Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 11.06.01
by Eric Szulczewski on November 5, 2001

Logic is lost in your cranial abbatoir – John Lydon, “FFF”

The people with the best guesses on who I’m talking about with that quote get pimped tomorrow.

Welcome to Tuesday here at 411, and remember, if you’re in the US, today’s Election Day, so get out and…oh, it’s an odd-numbered year. Sorry. Well, maybe Florida could have that special election that they so desperately need to make up for the mess last year. Oh, that’s right, I forgot who the governor was down there. No chance to rectify mistakes, then.

DEFINE “AFTERTHOUGHT”

People are going after me for treating wrestling as an “afterthought” by leading off with the other stuff every column. These days, wrestling deserves to be treated as an afterthought. A year ago, we still had WCW and ECW around. I still had Nitro to talk about on Tuesdays, and people can tell you there was a lot more wrestling content in my column, especially given the sieve-like nature of the WCW locker room, with half the wrestlers there having Keller on speed-dial.

What do we have now? One major fed, indy wrestling as a niche market (same goes for puro and lucha, regrettably), no big news since that major fed has locked down all leaks tight. There’s nothing to talk about other than what’s given to us in six hours of original programming a week plus whatever the indies that have TV contracts can put on. And that major fed isn’t doing a good job supplying us with discussion fodder. The meta-angle that could have got us all excited and expanded the audience has been a disaster from moment one due to mismanagement. There isn’t anyone new and exciting to speculate on (the one wrestler who has got mileage out of this whole situation is certainly not new to us Internet smarks). Yes, I’m disgusted with it. Yes, I’d like to see the first section of the column back to its pre-WCW-demise size and talk more about wrestling. However, I’m going to write about what interests me, and that includes wrestling plus other things (I wanted to call the column simply “Opinions, Etc.”, but Widro put in “Wrestling News”; it’s his site, so he can do anything he likes). I’m also going to maintain the structure my column’s always had. I will tell you that I’m going to lead off my post-SurSer column with my thoughts on it. I always do that for the so-called “majors”.

So don’t blame me for making wrestling an “afterthought”. Blame the WWF for making it an afterthought.

A WRESTLING THOUGHT OR TWO, JUST TO SHUT PEOPLE UP…

I think it would have been great to have had Jerry Lawler give the eulogy at Helen Hart’s funeral, don’t you?

The DVD 500 was its typical list of “Who are these guys?”, just like flea said, but I do agree with Liger at #1. Triple Crown winner, has pretty much saved NJ’s ass lately. He deserves it. However, only three WWF guys in the top 60 was a calculated move by Rasmussen and the bunch to piss off North American fans, and I certainly don’t agree with the positioning of the people at #280 and #292 (#292 should be much higher, and #280 shouldn’t exist, period). In other words, the usual.

THE PIMP SECTION

STUPID PERSON OF THE WEEK

This one definitely goes to Subash Gurung, supposedly from Nepal, who was detained at O’Hare trying to board a flight with seven knives, a can of Mace, and a stun gun. I don’t blame him for that. Having to deal with O’Hare as much as I do, I know you need seven knives, a can of Mace, and a stun gun just to get to Starbucks for a cup of coffee there. Of course, there’s something sinister behind it. Gurung lived in the same apartment building in Rogers Park as a person of Arab descent who happened to be on a flight leaving from Newark on September 11th and who happened to be carrying a box cutter on said flight. Look, I lived in Rogers Park for six years. It’s almost impossible to find an apartment building in Rogers Park that doesn’t have a person of Arab descent living in it. Plus, Gurung worked for Argenbright Security, the company that the FAA and the DOJ nailed to the wall for hiring ex-cons as airport security personnel. This allows for a wonderful bit of speculation, especially when lame-o comes up with an excuse like “I took the wrong bag and I forgot that stuff was in there.” Oy.

MICHELLE GIVES GOOD BLOWJOBS

Cuba got the last thing that it needed when Hurricane Michelle struck the beleaguered island over the weekend, doing almost as much damage as 42 years of Castro (sorta blows the pinko hypothesis about me, doesn’t it?). You know, the only hope for Cuba these days is for Bill Gates to buy the damn place and turn it into a Western Hemisphere Singapore. Educated workforce, cheap labor, and the potential for one kick-ass company baseball team. It’d be worth it just to hear Monkey Boy Steve Ballmer give a pep talk to the Havana Monopolists. And speaking of Bill Gates…

OH, RIGHT, GIVE ME YET ANOTHER REASON TO HATE REPUBLICANS

The imbroglio between the DOJ and Microsoft ended late last week when Justice dropped trou, bent over a desk, greased up, and said to Gates “At least tell me afterward that you love me.” Essentially, Microsoft gets to keep everything, and was given the green light for .NET, their scheme to take over the Internet body and soul. On the same day, a private security consultant found a major flaw in Passport, the core of .NET, that would allow anyone to steal your entire Passport “wallet”, including the credit card numbers that it conveniently stores for you. Gee, that makes me feel all warm and cozy. So why don’t I just install whatever Linux distro suits my fancy? The games, babe, the games. One like, oh…

ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE UNCIVILIZED

I’ll echo Keith’s views on Civilization III. Sid Meier is God. Five snowflakes, period. Buy it. Unless you’re a cheap bastard like me. Piracy is why God gave us cable modems and Usenet clients. I will buy it, though, when it goes on sale. I have this thing about spending fifty beans for a game, no matter how great it is. And while we’re on the subject of Scott’s obsessions, the Shrek Special Edition DVD kicks twelve kinds of major ass. Another must-have.

KUDOS WHERE KUDOS ARE DUE

I’ve gotta give Cartoon Network a few props. On the 1AM ET Acme Hour over the past couple weeks, they’ve been pulling out pretty rare Warner Brothers and MGM cartoons from the mid-1930s that even they haven’t shown in the past three or four years. I think that Bouncing Betty Cohen has finally figured out that their viewership at that time is of the post-twelve-year-old variety, and is putting on stuff to appeal to adult animation fans like me. Very cheery. And we’re only a week and a half away from Justice League.

THE “REAL” SPORTS SECTION

What a great Sunday to be a sports fan. Three different sports, three groups of tense results that validate wasting time sitting on a couch. Makes it good to be alive for days like this.

First of all, golf. Most people know what a huge golf nut I am, and to see something like the ending of the Tour Championship was terrific. The best field in the world in the richest event on the PGA Tour, and it comes down to four guys in a playoff. If not for a lipped bogey on 17 and a narrow miss on a 60-footer on 18 by Scott Verplank and Kenny Perry, respectively, it would have been six guys. And the one playoff hole provided two great Holy Shit moments, with Sergio Garcia’s almost-but-not-quite chip for par and Ernie Els’ second shot, which went from buried in the woods to on the green (and he hasn’t even figured out yet how he did it). But it was Mister Canadian Violence himself, Mike Weir, who took home the 900 large. Congrats to him, congrats to Tigger for being the leading money winner yet again, and let’s see how Player Of The Year shakes out between him and Duval.

Isn’t it appropriate that coming into this holy season and coming off of All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day, the NFL action was capped off by a Priest (Holmes, that is; fabulous rushing day for him) and a Hail Mary? Almost makes me want to go back to being Catholic. Oh, is CBS really happy now that they made Chicago/Cleveland the featured late game across most of the US. The Myocardial Monsters of the Midway stunk up the joint for three and a half quarters plus. Then they got the TD, and converted the onside kick, and got the Hail Mary for the tie. I thought to myself, “If this ends with someone tipping another pass to Mike Brown, I think I’m going to spooge.” Thank God I had some paper towels handy. Poor BFM, Browns backer that he is. The mail that he sent me when that happened made me write back to apologize for the Browns losing the game this way.

That being said, I don’t believe in the Bears, not yet. They have Green Bay Sunday. If they make Favre want to get hooked on Vicodin again, then I’ll believe. Maybe I can help. KGB’s doing a personal appearance at a mall near me tonight. Maybe I can go over and do a Nancy Kerrigan…no, that’d be wrong. Besides, I’ll be out of town today and get back just in time to do tomorrow’s column. The one thing that’s certain is that it’s gonna be ugly with the fans, especially since this game is for the lead in the NFC Central (thanks, Tampon Bay, thank you very friggin’ much). I’m right at the fault line between Bears and Packers fandom; it’s split about 50-50 around here. Those two weeks a year get pretty intense between the fans. I’d just like to see how well red coordinates with green and gold, that’s all.

And then when the adrenaline high from that was wearing off, there was still Game 7 of the World Series. I hate baseball, but a Game 7, especially one that features the two probable Cy Young winners this year facing off against each other, can even get me to watch. And what a game. Thank God Luis Gonzales only hit a bloop single to win it, because if he’d hit a home run, I would have declared jihad on behalf of all Polish people (and I think I could have got the city of Pittsburgh to sponsor me). A lot of people are saying that “Mariano Rivera” is Puerto Rican for “Byun Hyung Kim”, but don’t hang the goat horns on him, Yankees fans. Hang them on Scott Brosius. If he would have made an effort to get the double play at first on Jay Bell’s bunt (and he had Bell dead at first if he’d made the throw), it would have been very different. Naming Schilling and Johnson as co-MVPs of the Series was appropriate and gets my approval. Johnson finally getting a ring cements the Hall of Fame for him, and it definitely boosts the chances of Matt Williams and Gracie.

The other good feeling I have about the World Series is that the Yankees lost. I loathe New York. I detest the city, everyone in it, and everything it stands for, as is my right as a native Chicagoan (exceptions are made on an individual basis, of course; Hyatte, for example). Treat us with disdain, will you? Tag us with a nickname like “The Second City”. Well, screw you. Let me assure you that it was wonderful to see the sourpuss expression of the overexposed Rudy Giuliani as the D’Backs clustered in celebration on the field. That’s probably why I got over September 11th as fast as I did, because it happened to New York. Allow me to giggle intensely when I see moments like the end of the World Series. Karma will jump up and bite you on the ass.

And now it’s time for the afterthought.

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Ivory over Lita (Pinfall, facebuster): I’m sorry, but after that opening promo, I don’t think Kawada versus Benoit, two out of three falls with Ric Flair as special guest ref, could get me excited. This certainly doesn’t.

Test over Edge, WWF Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, illegal rollup, New IC Champion): Apparently there’s now a qualification for holding the Intercontinental Title: If you’re not a one-named blond Canadian, you will not be considered. If Trish Stratus drops her last name, she’ll get an IC reign. And let us begin Yet Another Failed Test Singles Push.

Christian over Hurricane Helms (Pinfall, Christian Finally Developed That Finisher After All This Time): Oh, joy. A cheap-heat heel and a pseudo-face with a detestable gimmick. This show is getting to the point where that Kawada/Benoit match I mentioned above wouldn’t get me excited if it was Hell In The Cell.

The Undertaker over Kurt Angle, WCW US Title Match (DQ, Austin-ference): Let the chorus begin about UT no-selling the AngleLock. Let the antiphon begin about UT using his own version of the AngleLock. Let’s all try to figure out how Angle pissed off UT backstage. All of those are more fun than watching this match.

Faarooq, Bradshaw, and Jacqueline over Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D’Von Dudley, and My Beautiful and Beloved, Six-Person Intergender (Possibly Interspecies) Tag Team Table Match (Faarooq puts Buh Buh Ray through table): Apparently this match was designed to put Jackie over as being a tough broad, probably in prep for Tough Enough 2. Otherwise, nothing of interest, please move along.

Booker T versus Rob Van Dam (ND, Big Show-ference): It’s now come down to this for the two men who are the leading non-WWF members of the Alliance, used as props in a match to further a feud between Regal and Tajiri. Guess this is what Ross meant by slowing down Van Dam’s push, huh? And please remind Regal and Tajiri that Guy Madison and Bruce Lee didn’t fight like this.

That Overselling Bitch over Chris Jericho, WCW Championship Match (Pinfall, bullshit small package, New WCW Champion): Your check is in the mail for the post-match shenanigans, Mister Irvine. Dull, braindead capper to a dull, braindead show.

Angle Developments:

Defect-ive Part Two: All right, who put the Quaaludes in the coffee backstage? Vince and Austin’s opening promo was not only horrid, it was dull, and that’s something you could never say about them three years ago when they were doing this same exact routine pretty much every week. Considering that no one gave a rat’s ass about Angle defecting last week, why try to repeat a defection angle? It’s an insult to everyone’s intelligence that they’d try to force speculation of a defection in order to engender interest in SurSer. And shame on you if you’re going to fall for it.

Clark Cunt: Okay, this whole Hurricane angle has now officially become insufferable. Superhero delusions I can accept, albeit under protest. Secret identities (and one that Christian, damn him, actually sold) just take it one step beyond the fine line separating tolerable from stupid.

AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE WRESTLING NEWS…

According to the Observer, a gentleman named Aaron Weiss is trying to form an organization called Ultimate Women’s Wrestling. No TV deal yet, although they’re going to be taping pilots in Ontario shortly. Says the Meltz, the ground rules are “no racy behavior, no cleavage, no high heels and small outfits and doing an athletic show with personality profiles”. So what’s the purpose? Yes, athletic women’s wrestling has its place. That place is in Japan. Joshi is an acquired taste even among the puro crowd, though. Women’s wrestling with T&A hasn’t worked in North America (witness the high-profile failure of WOW, which had a chance given that it premiered at the peak of the last wrestling boom), so how are you going to entice the horny 18-to-24 male audience without the blatant hormonal appeal? Give Weiss ten points for good intentions. I’d like to see it work so that the WWF can be exposed as frauds for attempting to perpetuate the myth that Trish Stratus and Lita are wrestlers, but it’s not going to.

I received a mail last week requesting that I start calling Rick Scaia “Gooney Bird” again. Considering who the mail was from, I consider this a command, and will obey accordingly. He has been exhibiting Gooney-like behavior as of late, actually thinking that people will pay money to read him. I understand why he’s trying to do that. He lost a nice little side income from the Whine. In fact, he was making enough that he was one part-time job at Mickey D’s away from a good middle-class income. So now he’ll try to scrounge money out of the Internet wrestling public instead of from CBS. Here’s a fact, Rick: no one wants to pay to read anyone when it comes to wrestling on the Net. Chester the Molester and Milord are finding that out the hard way (he’s also commanded me to use my pseuds for Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer; so it is written, so shall it be done). I have an ad-free version of 1wrestling. I’m using AdSubtract and Pop-Up Killer to do it, which has the side benefit of giving me an ad-free version of pretty much every website I go to. So just bite the bullet and come here, and be sure to leave the Pod Person who took over your place when CBS bought you out behind.

Speaking of 1bullshit, they’ve mentioned that UT’s been added to WXW’s Yokozuna Memorial Show, which takes place on November 28th (hey, my birthday!) in Allentown, PA. Everyone who was around remembers that scintillating feud between UT and Yoko for the WWF title in 1993, which led to the Royal Rumble 1994 casket match; we can’t forget that feud, since it sent a bunch of us scurrying to find TBS on our cable systems and watch Flair, Austin, etc., go at it in those glorious pre-Hogan days in WCW. All of Yoko’s Samoan relatives will be involved, naturally, along with Bradshaw, Kanyon, and Kidman. It’s a good show for a good cause, and that gets my vote.

Jeremy Borash used Milord as a conduit for his latest threats to humanity, those being: 1) Scott Steiner will be involved with the WWA’s tour of England starting at the end of the month (supposedly, Steiner’s AOLTW contract ends at the end of November) and 2) The WWA PPV taped in Australia will air in the US on January 6th. It’s just about time to start filing charges against him in The Hague, don’t you think?

I’ll sign off now and try to find some justification in this mess. Until tomorrow, enjoy your sad, wretched lives.



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