Today’s Episode: Occam’s Chairshot

My apologies for missing my past deadline. I had just moved into a new apartment, and had no access to television or internet for the better part of two weeks. Thus, no wrestling.

First, before I get into the topic of today’s episode, I just want to say what everyone else is certainly saying: the Shawn Michaels/Chris Jericho ladder match was an absolute blast, with one of the most well thought-out ending sequences of anything that I’ve seen in years. It’s phenomenal that these two managed to come up with new spots in a theoretically tired genre, and kept everything refreshing and fantastic, not necessarily with crazy ladder spots, but with amazing psychology and viciousness. In other words, daddy likey.

And now, on to the point.

Weapons in wrestling vary. Even today, when hardcore matches are seen as a relic of the 90s, and hitting people with trashcan lids is now seen for the silliness it truly is, there is an eclectic variety of hardware and plunder that performers will use in pretending to maim each other.

However, as Kane showed us last night when he swatted Rey Mysterio out of the sky like a pinata, certain styles just don’t fade; they only become more sophisticated with age, like a fine wine, but with, hopefully, less concussions. Today, I intend on breaking down the use of a few weapons and why they simply cannot compare to the object of my affections for this column, the simple steel chair.

First, a notice: ALL of the weapons I’m talking about hurt. Even the most simplistic weapon will cause some kind of pain, and I would never want to be on the receiving end on any of these tools of mayhem. I don’t want any disgruntled indy wrestlers leaving comments about how any weapon is a dangerous one. I’m aware, and acknowledge that I could never, in a million years, do what you do. So there.

1) Aluminum Weapons: Trash cans, cookie sheets, etc.

There are some pros to these tools of the trade. In general, aluminum weapons don’t really hurt that much, so an aluminum trash can may be used with little concern for the victim. Hell, Foley probably barely noticed these things, and you can just whack someone with them all day. They also look good when wrapped around a human being’s head, which is always a plus.

However, the cons far outweigh whatever good can be gained from these relatively flimsy tools. Fans don’t buy a solid whack with a trash can, and no one could ever be pinned after, say, fifteen shots with one to the head, thus negating its effectiveness.

2) Major Hardware: Ladders, ring steps, etc.

The exact opposite of the light aluminum whacking tools, hitting someone in the head with the, theoretically, over 200-pound ring steps is bound to do some major damage, and could be seen as tools to finish someone with.

However, using these monstrosities as weapons with finishing power has kind of gone out the window due to ladder matches, where the titular tools connect with opponent’s heads dozens of times to limited effect, and ring steps are, frankly, too heavy and unwieldy to be used as a serious weapon unless you’re Lord Mongo the Enormously Huge and Big. And he retired YEARS ago.

3) Bladed weapons: Knives, sickles, scythes, cheese graters, forks, etc.

These should never be used. They can sometimes be found in Japanese death matches, and cheese graters were used in ECW and can still be found littering the indy scene. Forks are similar to cheese graters, as they’re occasionally used in deathmatch-style indies, thankfully on the decline, although the weapon has some history due to being used by Abdullah the Butcher. Still, no blades.

4) Special Mention: The Sledgehammer

Using one of these things could legitimately kill someone if you hit them hard enough in the head. So, why is HHH’s sledgehammer not the ultimate weapon? Perhaps it’s because one of these things could legitimately kill someone if you hit them hard enough in the head. Being that HHH can’t actually hit guys in the head with it without covering it with his hand, no one sees the weapon as really doing damage. Everyone knows that HHH is covering it with his hand, and we just accept that it does a boatload of damage.

No, just like Occam’s razor suggests, the simplest answer is almost always the correct one.

5) The Steel Chair

Is there anything more glorious than a simple chairshot to an unsuspecting opponent? It’s perfect in its simplicity and its multiple uses, acting as both a cudgel and a guillotine. It is both a hammer and a sword, and the most common weapon that the new breed of knight, affectionately known as pro-wrestlers, carries into battle most often.

Okay, perhaps the Knight thing is a bit much, but a chair is dangerous yet plausible, able to injure, but not quite up to a level of causing serious damage unless multiple shots are used. Yet, perhaps the fact that multiple shots are typically avoided is what makes the chairshot so worth while: only a few are needed to turn the tide of a match.

And so, in somewhat hasty conclusion, here’s to you, steel chair. In your simple elegance, you make abusing faces and heels alike a bit more realistic with a “thwack” that can elicit on “ooh” or the occasional giggle, depending on the odd mix of audience that night.