Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time RAW Report 03.02.2009
by Paul Marshall on March 2, 2009

EVERYONE IS WATCHING!

We recap the intense feud between Randy Orton and the extended McMahon family.

We are LIVE from Boston, Massachusetts!  Tonight is decision time for Randy Orton and we have huge news regarding the World Championship.  This is the biggest announcement Jerry Lawler made.  Tonight, the World Championship will be defended against John Cena!

THE PIPER’S PIT RETURNS!  Oh, it’s Chris Jericho.  No wonder the set was on the stage tonight.  He brought out the original set and he is going to host the show himself tonight.  He recaps the most infamous Piper’s Pit…where Roddy Piper smashes a coconut over Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka’s head.  I wonder if history repeats itself tonight.  Snuka sits down facing Jericho, smart man he is.  Jericho recaps the great Snuka/Piper feud that caught the 80’s by storm.  Jericho claims that Snuka is the posterboy for what Mickey Rourke is all about.  He talks about Snuka’s indy performances in New Jersey.  The Royal Rumble gets mentioned on how they were in the Rumble last year.  Generally, Jericho berates Snuka just as he did the other legends.  Snuka gets up and kicks the chair out of the way.  Jericho says that he is finished and that no one cares about him anymore.  Snuka doesn’t understand.  Jericho decides to take it old school and brings out the goodie bag.  Out comes the pineapple, bananas, and a coconut.  Jericho tosses it in the air and Snuka catches it.  Jericho begs off and Jericho runs away behind the set.    Snuka poses on the stage and the set crashes on top him.  Jericho beats Snuka down worse than he did the other legends.  The jacket comes off and so does the belt.  He gives Snuka a few welts in the back.  Jericho finishes off by stuffing the banana down his throat.

Commercials.

We’re back and we recap what went down in Jericho’s Pit.

Time for our first match!

Rey Mysterio v. Kane v. Mike Knox
Winner goes to compete in Money in the Bank at Wrestlemania 25

This will be bowling shoe ugly.  The bell rings and Rey runs away out of the ring,  Knox chases away and Rey gets inside to face Kane.  Mysterio off the ropes, caught by Kane, Mysterio takes Kane down.  Knox is there to stop the momentum and Rey gets sent out of the ring.  Knox and Kane face off…and they kick each other in the face.  Break time!

Commercials.

Commercial Observation: A commercial for Extenze in the 9PM EST hour of RAW?  PG? I think not.

We’re back and Knox has Mysterio in a backbreaker submission.  Mysterio gets out of it and Kane takes Mysterio out from the past.  In the ring, the giants get it on again.  Knox has the advantage  in the corner.  Pillar to post we go and Knox squashes Kane.  Headlock applied and Kane looks for an opening.  Side slam connects by Kane and Knox is down.  Kane goes off the ropes and eats a big boot!  Mysterio comes in and hits Knox with a hurrancurana.  Up and over faceplant gets Knox in a finishing position for two!  Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Knox gets a two count and Rey has to be hurting.  Knox picks Rey up and looks for a Snake Eyes…but Rey hits a DDT from out of nowhere for two!  Kane gets sent face first on the turnbuckle.  Rey runs at Knox…he gets elevated on top of Kane!  Knox gets the 619 attempt, but Kane blocks it.  Big boot to Knox by Kane…Rey sends Kane to the ropes.  619 connects as does the senton!  Knox breaks the count and he looks for the KnoxOut…it connects!  Kane comes up and he CHOKESLAMS Knox!  That gets the win!

Winner: Kane
Grade: B-

Kane chokeslams Rey Mysterio for good measure.

Commercials.

Wrestlemania Recall: Shawn Michaels v. Bret Hart in a 60 minute Ironman Match!

T-Grish is with Shawn Michaels right now.  Shawn says that he has always overcame the odds, so he will do so again.  Tonight, Koslov’s streak ends and at Wrestlemania, Undertaker’s streak ends.

Divas Tag Team Match UPCOMING!

Commercials.

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall

We’re back and we are joined by Maryse and Melina!  The bell rings and Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix start things off.  Kelly gets spun around and she counters into a hurrancurana.  Back up, Kelly lands on her feet, but gets POWERBOMBED TO THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE!  SICK, SICK MOVE!  Maryse pokes fun on how long it took Beth Phoenix to beat Kelly Kelly and that it’d take her five minutes.  Jillian takes advantage of the double team.  She comes in legally and she chokes Kelly away.  Kelly fights Jillian off and Mickie tags in.  Low dropkick to Jillian, but Jillian sends Mickie to the corner.  Jillian looks for the handspring elbow, but she meets Mickie’s feet.  Top rope Thez Press gets two.  Tag back to Kelly and she hits a sunset flip…for the three!

Winners: Kelly Kelly & Mickie James
Grade: D

Rosa Mendez attacks Kelly post match.  Mickie stops it and everyone else gets involved. Melina heads to the ring, but Maryse stops her and she nails a DDT on the outside!

We discuss the Orton/Trips saga.

I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!  Randy Orton makes his way to the ring, flanked by Legacy, doctors, lawyers, and police officers.  Yeah, that’ll stop Triple H.  He will speak…NEXT!

Commercials.

We are back and Randy has a microphone.  He reminds us that he is entitled to a title match at Wrestlemania!  So, he’ll challenge the winner of the Cena/Edge World Title match tonight.  He won’t challenge Triple H like we thought he would.  Instead of Wrestlemania, Triple H will go to jail.  That’s right, Randy Orton will be pressing charges against Triple H.  He says that it is time to face the music, so he invites Trips to come out.

TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!

Trips comes out with a sledgehammer and a microphone.  He tells us that Randy Orton has I.E.D.  He wants Orton to know that he is in complete control of his actions, while Orton may not be in control.  The police surround the ring, preventing Trips from entering.  He loses the sledgehammer and Randy has them back off.  Trips steps on the ring apron.  He wants to tell Randy what he wants him to hear.  He says that Randy wants this story to end.  Randy took out the entire McMahon family, so he needs to beat Trips for the WWE Championship.  Trips brings up Evolution.  Trips does not run from his past and he has never been a good person.  Orton has an opportunity to avenge what Hunter did to him years ago.  He says that Orton is afraid of him.  Trips lays it down in front of Orton, calling him gutless.  A lawyer says that Randy won’t answer Trips until he turns himself into the authorities.  Security tries to remove Trips, but the mind games set in and Randy tells security to let him go.  He changed his mind.  He will face Trips at Wrestlemania under one condition…Trips can’t touch Randy without provocation.  If Trips breaks that, he’ll spend Wrestlemania behind bars.  The deal is done, but there is one more thing.  It felt great when he kicked Vince in the skull.  It felt better when he did it to Shane.  And he replayed the RKO on Stephanie over and over in his mind.  This sets Trips off and he gets in Randy’s face!  Trips says that the last time they fought, he broke Randy’s collarbone.  That was business.  This, however…IS PERSONAL!  HE WILL BREAK HIS NECK!

Cena v. Edge TONIGHT!

Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Shawn Michaels defeats JBL and gets planted by Vladimir Koslov!

Vladimir Koslov v. Shawn Michaels
Winner faces the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 25 (We mean it this time!)

The bell rings and they jockey for position.  Shawn evades a corner assault from Koslov and locks on a headlock.  Koslov shoves him in the corner and he goes to work.  Bearhug applied and Shawn gets out of it.  Drop toe hold on Koslov and Shawn hits a dropkick!  He puts on the Figure Four, but Koslov reverses it!  Bodyslam gets countered and Shawn takes a powder outside.

Commercials.

We’re back and Koslov rams his head against Shawn’s ribs.  Shawn tries to get some offense, but Koslov hangs him up on the top rope.  He nails several headbutts to the small of his back.  He carries him in the ring and nails a powerslam for two.  Shawn gets back up and he gets backbroke twice.  He fights up and gets picked up into the torture rack position.  Shawn punches his way off Koslov.  Off the ropes…he runs into an elbow for two.  Koslov beats away before he locks in a bearhug.  Shawn does what he can to get out of it.  He chops away at the ropes before he gets sent to the ropes.  BATTERING RAM CONNECTS, BUT SHAWN KICKS OUT AT TWO!  Shawn gets sent to the corner and Koslov chokes the life out of him.  Shawn gets set up on the top fope.  Superplex attempt  by Koslov, but Shawn beats away before shoving him off.  He DROPS THE ELBOW!  He tunes up the band…and he hits it!  He covers and he hands Koslov his first loss!

Winner: Shawn Michaels
Grade: B- (He made Koslov look good!)

Uh-oh!  The bells toll and we all know what that means.  The Undertaker is LIVE ON RAW!  He signals the end of Shawn Michaels from atop the stage.

Commercials.

We’re back and we go behind the scenes in Cena’s newest movie, 12 Rounds.

Time to introduce the newest inductee in the WWE Hall of Fame:  “Cowboy” Bill Watts!

T-Grish is with Edge!  He says that it’s obvious that Edge is putting the title on the line after Cena got beaten by the Big Show.  Edge gets defensive, going as far as saying that Cena will be “squashed” tonight.  The main event is NEXT!

Commercials.

WWE Slam of the Week: Cena gets destroyed by the Big Show on SmackDown.

We’re back and THE MAIN EVENT IS HERE!

Edge v. John Cena
World Heavyweight Championship

Bell time is 10:54pm EST.  This smells funny.  They circle the ring and we get the Greco Roman lock.  Cena with the hiptoss and Edge turns the tables on him.  Hiptoss by Edge and he gets sent to the ropes.  Cena gets kicked in the face and decked in the jaw.  Cena lets Edge take himself out on the floor and we take a break at 10:55pm EST.

Commercials.

We’re back at 10:58PM EST.  Cena is in trouble as Edge has him in a headlock.  Cena tries to get out of it and he does.  However, he meets up with Edge’s foot in the jaw and gets pinned for two.  He drops an elbow to the back of the neck a couple times.  We go to the corner where Edge beats into Cena.  Corner to corner we go and Cena gets DRILLED with a lariat.  Edge gets two on that exchange.  Edge tees off on Cena and we go corner to corner again.  Cena gets out of the predicament.  Shouldertackle!  Protobomb! FIVE…KNUCKLE…SHUFFLE…but Edge has Cena scouted.  Pin attempt by Edge gets two.  Cena goes for the Double A, but Edge counters to the Edg-O-Matic for two!  Cena rolls to the apron and looks for a sunset flip.  Edge counters with a elbow drop.  Edgucation attempt gets countered for a Cena two count.  Edge hits the move this time, but Cena kicks out at two!  Edge goes to the top rope, but Cena beats him to the punch.  Top Rope Attitude Adjustment attempt, but Edge gets out of it and he sends Cena HARD to the floor!  The referee does his count and Cena barely beats the count!  Cena gets his third wind and hits the THROWBACK!  He goes to the top and he hits the FameAsser!  Five Knuckle Shuffle again!  Edge is in trouble.  Attitude Adjustment attempt, but Edge counters!  Edge gets the Indian Deathlock locked in as a new twist in Edge’s repitiore!  Cena strains to reach the bottom rope and he does.  Edge sets up for the spear.  CENA COUNTERS TO THE STF!  Edge reaches for the ropes…and he does so.  THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE!  Edge from out of nowhere hits the spear…BUT CENA KICKS OUT AT TWO AND A HALF!  Edge rolls out of the ring and he takes the title.  Cena gets Edge in the Double A.  The referee takes the title, but Edge uses Cena’s momentum to go to the ropes.  Edge swipes the title out of the referee’s hands and hits Cena with it for the DQ at 11:07PM EST.

Winner via DQ: John Cena
Still World Heavyweight Champion: Edge
Grade: C+ (DQ Ending dropped the grade a bit.)

Edge retreats up to the ramp and he is greeted by the Big Show.  Edge holds his hand out, but Vickie Guerrero comes out as well.  She announces the Big Show as the #1 Contender to Edge’s title at Wrestlemania 25!

Show Over.

The WWE RAW Report Card

John Cena d. Edge via DQ: C+
Shawn Michaels d. Vladimir Koslov: B-
Kelly Kelly & Mickie James d. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall: D
Kane d. Rey Mysterio & Mike Knox: B-
Extra Credit: Promo work by Jericho, Trips, & Orton

The FINAL Grade for WWE RAW 3.2.2009: C+/B-

The excellent promo work by Jericho, Trips, & Orton kinda edge the show from being average to being slightly above average.  I won’t say too much, except that I’m liking the card to Wrestlemania 25.  Catch you Thursday with some TNA news!  Have a great week!



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Paul Marshall

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  • ML Kennedy

    “The bekk siybds abd Rey keaves tge rubg”?

  • http://www.myspace.com/paul_wiu Paul Marshall

    LOL…didn’t see the keyboard. Thanks man!

  • Rob

    The bell rings and Rey leaves the ring

  • http://www.myspace.com/paul_wiu Paul Marshall

    I really appreciate this guys…I’m doing my best to keep this from happening again.

  • Rob

    Lol. Its ok. Your doing a good job Paul. Look forward to reading your reports each week. Its about the only way I follow wrestling these days.

  • Michael Crow

    Still, I dare one of your guys to do a side report at the same time as the live without looking at the keyboard. That was some of the the funniest reporting I’ve seen for Raw in a while.

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