Junk News, Huzzah
by GRUT on October 1, 2009

junknews-logo

What a tremendous show we have for you today. No one of interest is here!

Big news this past week as Nigel McGuinness faced Bryan Danielson in their final match in Ring of Honor, the former darling of the Internet turned just another Indy. This marks the end of an era for ROH and the beginning of a new era in WWE where they will have two former ROH champions as jobbers. I was able to score exclusive interviews with both Nigel and Bryan after their historic match at that hotel they fought in.

GRUT: Nigel, Bryan, what an amazing match and an amazing way to end your Ring of Honor run!

BRYAN: What the hell? Someone get this fat loser out of the ring!

NIGEL: OI! The match is still going on you scallywag!

GRUT: Ow! Stop tackling me and removing me from the ring!

BRYAN: How humiliating! For a Jew to rush into the ring and embarrass me like that! A JEW! This match is over!

(Bryan Danielson storms to the back, taking time to sob.)

NIGEL: Bryan! Come back! We need to finish fake fighting in our underwear for these jerks who take wrestling way too seriously! OI! What are you doing back in the ring?

GRUT: No security can hold me! Look at my awesome muscles! Take that!

NIGEL: Oh no! I’ve been felled by this scallywag! Ooooooh!

GRUT: One! Two! Three! I am the new Ring of Honor champion!

CROWD: RING OF HONOR! RING OF HONOR!

GRUT: For my first decree as champion, I hereby order Bryan Danielson and Nigel McGuinness to tear up their WWE contracts and stay on full time at Ring of Honor. I am also ordering back CM Punk, Samoa Joe and curing Bret Hart’s brain so he can wrestle here!

CARY: Oh my God! You’ve saved Ring of Honor, my job, and stolen the heart of my hot daughter!

CARY’S DAUGHTER: S’up? Wanna do me?

GRUT: GRUT RULES!

I thank all of the parties for their time in conducting this hard hitting interview.

Also, Eddie Edwards broke his elbow at the Friday night ROH show but competed on the Saturday night ROH show in a ladder match cause he really needed that fifty bucks. Moron.

Hey! Idiot! When your arm doesn’t heal right you have no one to blame but yourself. Hope you enjoyed your last match! Mark my words: Eddie Edwards will never wrestle again!

Hey, Eddie? Prove me wrong. Everyone but me at Insidepulse is praying for you. Especially that girl who reviews Mad Men.

Best show on television. By a lot. My list goes Mad Men, Lost, South Park, House, and the Jay Leno Show. Jay Leno is so funny. He notices funny headlines and shows them to us. I’m going to youtube some right now. Oh no. Now I’m giggling. Oh God, I gots the giggles! And once I start giggling, I can’t type! So that explains why this report is so late.

Great news! ECW fake General Manager Tiffani was… oh! It’s Tiffany. I would have thought the WWE would spell the name with an i. Anyway, she injured her arm wrestling in FCW, not in a car crash as reported on ECW television. This should kill those ugly stereotypes about women being bad drivers and great wrestlers.

Happy birthdays to Tajiri and Steve Blackman, who both turned who cares this past week.

Former WWE title holder and current drug user Umaga is now going by the name Aumaga. Val Venis is now going by the name Val Venise. Shannon Moore is going by the name Shanon Moore, and Jeff Hardy is going by the name Inmate #43101. Thank you, thank you, try the veal.

Looks like Jeff Hardy is in court right now, probably with tri-colored hair and his weird facial hair. Perfect for facing drug charges. Hey, Jeff, read the judge a poem about how amazing the telephone is! That’ll convince him you’re not on drugs.

Congrats to Lillian Garcia who was married this past week and also managed to escape the world of professional wrestling with her life and freedom.

Samoa Joe has asked fans to donate to the Red Cross to help the victims of the American Samoa Tsunami. Oh my God! I just got his name! He’s from Samoa! I thought his first name was Samoa and his last name was Joe! I always thought that was such an odd name.

Aumaga has also joined Samoa Joe in asking for help for Samoa, saying, and I quote, “DRUGS! GIVE ME MORE DRUGS! I LOVE EM! I LOVE DRUGS!”

Hulk Hogan has put together quite the collection of professional wrestlers for his tour of Australia and oh no! Mr. Ken Anderson just dropped Hulk Hogan on his head. Yet another injury for Ken Anderson, career killer.

Big UFC news tonight as that guy who lost to that Seth guy in 12 seconds has a fight against a much better fighter. Should get the biggest UFC audience of all time, cause UFC fans like terrible fighters.

Let’s spoil the super big 10th anniversary of Smackdown and go home to our kids and jobs.

The show begins with a brand new opening theme. “Smackdown is the smackiest show in town! Smackdown is the wackiest show you clown! If you’re watching the tv, change the channel and you won’t see, Smackdown! The smackiest show in town! SMACKDOWN!”

The show kicks off with the high octane, high flying battle between Kane and Batista. To quote a review of the match, “It was the greatest match ever.” I got this review from prowrestling.net, so if the match kinda sucks you can blame them.

They show a dance party going on in the back. Vickie Guerrero returns with a hot new look as the manager/girlfriend of Eric Escobar. She makes out with him like crazy. This of course leads into an Eddie Guerrero tribute video. I think the real tribute is in how you humiliate the mother of his children with fat jokes. I bet he’s looking down from heaven and smiling and nodding, cause yep, she sure is fat.

The Rock cuts a pre-taped promo…. does the word pre-taped still exist? I mean, do they shoot anything on tape anymore? Anyway, they shouldn’t air anything with the Rock. It leaked onto youtube and blows away any promo cut by a face in the past 5 years. The heels have been amazing for the past decade, but having the Rock do his thing only serves to remind us all how weak Cena’s sauce is. How is he the first guy to call CM Punk BM Punk? It’s one letter away.

Also, the Rock says that he’s going to be a guest host on Raw. Oh my God! Can you imagine what will happen when Rock and John Cena go face to face?! Probably whatever is scripted to happen.

The Miz and Dolph Ziggler fight Kofi Kingston and John Morrison. Nice! A throw away match for Miz and Morrison’s first time fighting one another with no promos. WWE really cares about building their new stars.

Michelle McCool fights Melina in a Lumberjill match. Is Lady Gaga there, cause that Jill sports some lumber! HIGH FIVES! No?

They do a few more backstage sketches. Zach Ryder can’t get into the VIP Lounge, Iron Sheik makes an appearance, CM Punk hates drinking, R Truth attacks that Scottish guy who beats him up. That oughta do it.

Main event is John Cena, DX and the Fundertaker against Randy Orton, Legacy and CM Punk. The Fundertaker does his typical party antics, John Cena rips a hardcore rap for kids, Shawn and Hunter make naughty shadow puppets and CM Punk looks aghast. All in all, it certainly looks like a show.

Oh! And Tyler Reks is going to be on Superstars. So check that out if you hate yourself. See you next week!




Tags: , , , ,

Related Columns Articles

more articles »

My Thoughts: WWE WrestleMania XXX (Daniel Bryan, The Undertaker, Batista, Randy Orton)

CB's Slant: Now That's a WrestleMania (Daniel Bryan, The Undertaker, Cesaro, Brock Lesnar)

Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for April 4th 2014: Onwards, to WRESTLEMANIA

Rasslin' Roundtable - WWE WrestleMania XXX

GRUT

view profile »
  • Creed

    You know, I’m not gonna hate on ya, but I still do not see how this is listed under ‘news’ much less a headline for the site. You got your jokes, the humor level is debatable by personal taste, and I’m sure it would be great in the ‘columns’ section… but its not actually wrestling news, just a recap. Also, the emperor still has no clothes.

  • GRUT

    This isn’t listed under news. It’s listed under columns and features. Please, tell me Creed, what possibly made you think it was listed under news? Was it the word News in the name of the column? I can see why you’d be confused, but a quick look at the site would show this in the features/column section. And while I don’t want to alienate half my readership, if you don’t like it why do you keep reading it? I tell you what! You can easily find the contact info for Matthew Michaels and Widro on this site. How about you write them and demand that my stuff no longer be published. Cause I swear to God Creed, I only came back cause one of them asked nicely, and if they ask me to go away I’ll do that happily. If your complaint is that you hate me, fine. But I did not post this as news and I’m not the emperor of anything.

  • http://myspace/hbk826 Aaron Glazer

    Widro and Matt Michaels love Jews. E-mailing them won’t help.

  • John

    your not funny…swallow your tounge…THEN you’ll be funny

  • http://diehardgamefan.com MLKennedy

    His not funny? His not funny what?

    What is a tounge? Who has that tounge and why is swallowing it so damned funny?

  • John

    choke on cock

  • Handle

    Another column, another lack of DogApeandMan.

    Damnit.

  • Creed

    While it is still a ‘headline’, I stand corrected, this week this is not listed under News, as it was last week. I should have checked first, point taken.

  • Clark

    I stopped visiting this site years ago after GRUT left and honest to god never gave it a second thought until today. Now that I see the column is running again you can consider me both reader #20 and #21. And I am also not an emperor, but being “king of bitches” has to count for something dammit.

  • http://pulsewrestling.com Matthew Michaels

    Grut!

Recent Comments

Search Pulse

Author:

Zone:

Category:

So, with this Simple Jquery Modal Window, it can be in any shapes you want! Simple and Easy to modify : )