Oh, John Anthony Cena. He went from Ruthlessly Aggressive to Edgy Wigger to Safe Wigger to Marine to Cornball. As he’s careened headlong through the sewers of respectability, the entire business of professional wrestling has seen fit to ride the fecal wave with him. I, for one, have reached the end of my rope. If I am ever to order a WWE PPV again, or lay off the FFWD button on my PVR during Raw, John Cena…must…DIE!
The WWE CEO is a toddler
Yep, wee ones but months removed from routinely waking to soiled sheets are the driving force behind the creative direction of a multi-million dollar corporation. Despite having no responsibilities outside playing lookout while their mother’s Puerto Rican boyfriend steals lotto tickets from the 7-11, the livelihood of grown men are laid bare on the whims of these children. True, they have no buying power themselves, relegated to lifting $5 from Daddy’s wallet after he falls unconscious after Happy Hour. But, said fathers, in an attempt to rid their hearts of a gnawing thirst for infanticide, are more than happy to buy Junior any D-X foam finger, John Cena camoflauge hat or Jeff Hardy commemorative meth pipe, so long as Daddy is left to drink in peace once they return home. And so the machine churns on, each comedy segment trumped in sheer stupidity by the next. There has been no bigger beneficiary from this horror than John Cena, who has become the mascot of a PG-friendly WWE. These latchkey kids crumble into hysterics each time Cena calls Randy Orton a “poopy head” and convulse with joy as he reduces what should be a life or death, high stakes match to little more than an orgiastic play date, complete with overexaggerated facials not seen since the last minstrel show played to a packed Alabaman house. There they sit, preternaturally silent as two ring generals are given 30 seconds to put on a cohesive bout, yet shriek like hyenas when Cena mugs, shucks and jives, desperately reaching for the laughter and approval of society’s future criminals, dead beats and rapists; for if there is one thing the supple mind of a child will take away from a wrestling show, it is that woman are to be rubbed, groped and piledrove when they speak out of turn.
But this is where society seems destined to turn. Gone are the days when children were to be neither seen nor heard. Now, in houses across North America, these little shits run roughshod; throwing pant-pissing tantrums in the grocery store line, screeching in the shrill voice normally reserved for Chinese kitchens, swallowing a daily assortment of drugs that would put Robert Downey Jr. on his ass, all to avoid the truth that Junior does not suffer from ADD but is simply a stupid, poorly disciplined miscreant. Fine, if parents want to allow the shadow of an impending tantrum loom over their household, so be it. Frankly, by the time Junior is slipping his first roofie into a barmaid’s drink, I’ll be too old to give a shit. But when I turn on my television and see Cena scuttling another promo, or missing shoulderblocks in the main event, I start to lose faith in our future.
John Cena is the next Rock, whether you like it or not
For some reason, be it childhood trauma or haunted whispers of repressed homoerotic longings, Vince is helpless in the face of rippling biceps and rock solid abs. Ignore his desperate habit of turning Raw into a shrine to his Christian heterosexuality (groping skanks 40 years his junior), these women are but trifling distractions. It is the towering goliaths – ripped, coarse and rugged – who are the true object of Vince’s affections, and they are pushed accordingly to the stiffness in which they render his cock. Cena, all arms, lats and baby oil, is Vince’s most prized charge. Unlike Batista, who, despite being even more chiseled than Cena, possesses not a single quality that would qualify him as enhancement talent, Johnny Boy is quite a serviceable wrestler/entertainer. He rode a tongue-in-cheek white rapper gimmick (which accidently went far off the rails, culminating in an abominable CD) to prominence on Smackdown. Cena, despite losing a prematurely granted title shot to Brock Lesnar, had established himself as a rising star in the company. He went on to win the United States title from the Big Show at Wrestlemania XX, further entrenching himself in the upper hierarchy of WWE Superstars. In came Vince McMahon, who took it upon himself to bypass the wrestler’s typical path to stardom, and thrusted John Cena to superstardom. In a frightening sign of a sure mental breakdown, McMahon anointed Cena the next Rock and would stop at nothing to see this come to pass. It was of no importance that Cena’s wrestling ability, while energetic, was limited and that his promos were inconsistent; alternately serious and goofy. Vince was mesmerized by Cena’s granite-like physique and would not be deterred. Thus followed one of the more bizarre years in wrestling. Kids, being the malleable fools they are, accepted Vince’s directive and cheered Cena as superman. Older fans, or “wrestling snobs” as they are derisively called, saw Cena for the exciting upper-midcarder he really was and rebelled with a fury I’d never before seen. Vince, stubborn as always, was prepared to match the torrent of Cena hate with even more rigid resolve. For the next year, Cena didn’t lose. Ever. WWE’s formula was to stack the odds against Super Cena and have him, inevitably, overcome them. Chldren gleefully chased their tails after the three count echoed, but the rest of the audience booed. So, Vince turned to a different tactic to get the masses to accept him. Kicking his manipulation into overdrive, a heel was dispatched to the ring to disparage the local sports team or some such nonsense, after which Cena would charge out from the back to defend the city’s honor. When not even this worked, Vince had heels start beating up women, so Cena could come to their rescue, in the process wetting the panties of the six women in attendance and playing upon the guilt of the abusive boyfriends who accompanied them. Most disgustingly, Cena began dressing in marine camouflage, hoping to illicit the knee-jerk tenderness one feels for the “heroes” currently invading Iraq and slaughtering its people. Eventually, the manipulation gained ground. After several months of white hot resistance, the masses gave up, and began accepting Cena as a once in a generation talent– much as one accepts sure death following the hasty, suicidal downing of a jar-full of Tylenol.
Can he throw a dropkick? No? Good. Put him in the main event.
Only the most selfish (and religious) think the world should be catered to their preferences. As I hold no qualms about being one of world’s most meglomanic creations, I believe WWE should be catered to my specific tastes. Yes, I am one of those internet writers who have the audacity to think (and incur the electronic wrath of Matt Hardy for not willingly dropping trou, grabbing ankles and taking whatever the WWE throws my way) that a wrestling program should be headlined by the people who wrestle the best. Much like sport teams are built around people who best play the sport, so should a wrestling company be. This is under the assumption Vince McMahon had any interest in running a wrestling company; which it appears he does not. The WWE is no more than an entertainment company, and we are never to forget it. Once we pass from sport to “entertainment”, I’ll admit I’m out of my league, as even culinary entertainment has eschewed merit, building its flagship channel around those with nicest asses (Rachel Ray) and most succulent tits (Giada De Laurentis). Nevertheless, if I have to play the cranky old man and decree from the hilltops that the end is nigh, then so be it. Why must I be subjected to the sloppy, pathetic application of a Cena STF in every main event?
I would like to believe this is a just world, if only so I can resist the ever-present temptation to put a bullet into my skull. Yes, I can overlook rampant starvation and disease in Africa; can turn a blind eye to corporate exploitation; the no-lube rape of Latin American resources; but when I turn on my TV, the only place left to hide oneself from the horrors of a deceitful world, I want to pretend there is some semblance of a meritocracy. Is it too much to ask to keep the title on Chris Jericho for more than a month? To give Shawn Michaels (piece of shit that he is) another run with the gold? To banish Batista to the bodybuilding circuit? Worst of all, Cena has succeeded, proving to the WWE brass that they can throw whichever failed bodybuilder, or C-List celebrity into a main event and still make money. Why should they push workers above HHH when we will keep buying the product? And before anyone says anything about the WWE finally giving way to the younger generation, Cody f*cking Rhodes doesn’t count.
As much as I pray for torn quads or broken backs to befall the WWE’s main event scene, I know, in their absence, Vince will simply find another tall, chiseled, tanned body to fill that slot, even if he has to go to the local Gold’s Gym to find it. It will be business as usual; guest hosts, comedy segments and plodding main events, Cena’s goofy face serving as the logo, a harbinger of the horrors to come.
Thursday, March 18
Live Events
AAA Lucha Libre
Arena Jalapa
Jalapa, Veracruz, Mexico – 8:00 pm
Matches include La Parka and a surprise partner vs. Silver King/Electroshock
Florida Championship Wrestling
Television taping
FCW Arena
Tampa FL – 7:30 pm
TNA Wrestling
Lake Terrace Convention Center
Hattiesburgh, MS – 7:30 pm
Television Broadcasts
WWE Superstars
Television Broadcast on WGN America – 8:00 pm eastern
If you would like your promotion to be included on the weekly calendar, please send an email to davidb@insidepulse.com with either your upcoming schedule or a link to your upcoming events on your website.
Monday Night Wars - what are you watching this week?
- RAW (44%, 136 Votes)
- TNA (33%, 102 Votes)
- Recording and watching all (9%, 28 Votes)
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Cody Rhodes is great. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Double D,
Wow, what a powerfully-written piece. I loved it! You ought to step outside the TNA iMPACT! report more often; what a great read.
Check out the indies. Trust me, life as a fan of a strong in-ring product supported by reasonable storyline arcs is much better when you get out of the WWEierdo business…
Looking forward to more from you!
- Vinny
This is solid gold.
“a wrestling program should be headlined by the people who wrestle the best.”
agree. 110%. Cena shouldnt be headlining every single dammed raw & PPV. he is NOT the best….
this also made me recall the live show i went to in melbourne a few months ago. they announced at the start that cena wasnt appearing & that people could go and get refunds on their tickets if they wished before the end of the first match…. i mean, seriously, offering refunds on tickets because cena wasnt showing up. wow. is he the ONLY superstar or something? (i almost died laughing over this at the time). really proves how much WWE rely on him….
sorry about the tangent. awesome piece.
Cena is a better wrestler than Orton. It’s not even a contest. Orton has a 4-move arsenal that he hits in slow motion in every single match that he has, hiding behind the claim that he’s “viper like” and that he resorts to illegal offense because he’s such a good heel. Boo hiss.
The guy can’t wrestle worth a shit. Cena’s moveset isn’t the greatest – he over-exaggerates a lot, and his babyface persona is weak – but he’s hands down a better wrestler than Orton, who needs to be taken the hell out of the main event scene.
D Boy,
Absolutley love your piece. This marks the first time I have made a comment here at the Pulse as I normally just read and run.
While I completely agree with what you tink of Cena and other generic muscleheads main eventing the WWE, one of your lines really got me thinkin (Tess touched on it above):
“a wrestling program should be headlined by the people who wrestle the best.”
That is one hundred per cent right. Plain and simple. I could watch Dragon and Davey Richards wrestle a one hour draw and still want more, but give me Cena Vs Baptista (lol) and ill nod off after the entrances. So looking bac at the original quote from your article, I have decided that the reason the WWE does not feature the best wrestlers in the main event is because they are now an Enttainment company first, and a wrestling company second.
Need evidence? Ill compare the WWE with my favourite promotion RoH. Very simply put, look at the names. “World Wrestling ENTERTAINMENT.” “RING Of HONOR!” And this is just the beginning. I could go on for ages but then The Pulse would have to make me a feature columnist lol ;)
Anyway, my point boils down to, if you want to be entertained, then the WWE is going to be your brand. Especially since the PG 13 rating has been implemented it has become even less about wrestling and more about entertainment. (See the RAW Guesdt Host Scenario and Gimmick PPVs’)
For actual Wrestling, promotions like RoH are definitley the go. I am an Aussie so my access to Indy Wrestling is greatly limited unless I spend up big time to import DVD’s, but fom what I’ve seen these promotions are fantastic. Just reading about CHIKIRA and Dragon Gate gets me excited o_O
In conclusion, you will never see the best wrestlers main eventing the WWE anymore, its all about the ENTERTAINMENT now…!!
David,
Stating Cena is better than Orton doesn’t actually say as much about Cena’s skill as it does about Orton’s lack thereof…
This is a brilliant piece. There are so many things said here that simply needed to be said to so many people for so long…just fantastic. I don’t even mind Cena, really, but the overall analysis really does it for me here.
This is just a pure brilliant article. John Cena is simply the best.
I like the article a lot even though I disagree strongly.
Here’s my biggest pet-peeve with the IWC- They insist the number of moves you do has something to do with how good of a wrestler you are. It doesn’t- never has, never well. Get over it! Let’s try it slowly.
Moves………………….do…………………… NOT…………………..equal…………good………wrestling.
Thank you.
Vinny,
You are correct sir.
Aaron,
It certainly has SOMETHING to do with a wrestler’s ability. Ring psychology is key, but so is a somewhat extensive moveset. The best wrestlers are those who are able to theoretically adapt to any situation they find themselves in. When a guy like Kurt Angle reverses out of a submission maneuver into something you’ve never seen before, you know that he’s one of the best there is. An extensive moveset is part of psychology. These men and women are trying to prove that they are the best at what they do. Sure, you can count on a guy like Orton to kick a guy in the head, but that’s a pretty dull way to wrestle a match.
Moves do not equal good wrestling entirely, but they are the physical part of WRESTLING, after all.
Wow, this article was terrible. It was well written, that’s not what I mean, nor do I mean that it’s point of view was invalid, or that it wasn’t well thought out. It was just filled with such hate, it was actually uncomfortable to read. So kudos to you, Mr. Douglas, you definitely got a reaction out of me, beyond simple agreement or disagreement with your point.
But on your virulent hatred of the WWE Main Event scene, and your belief that Vince McMahon is living out his homosexual fantasies through his company, and that most casual wrestling fans, at least of the WWE, are low-class borderline criminals, well, it all prompts me to ask a question. And this isn’t asked in a petulant manner, in a “if you don’t like it, too bad!” manner, but in an honest curiosity. Why do you watch WWE programming? Is it because of your duties for this site? Because if I hated something as much as you seem to hate it, I’d give up on it, no matter how much hope I had it would get better.
Like I said, I am legitimately curious as to why you continue to watch the show. You hatred is so palpable that I’m actually curious about your life. Well done, sir.
i think cena (if he loses at bragging rights) should drop the marine act turn back into a street fighting rapper then they should fix ECW turn it into the original ecw so there will be a place for cena as a heel then reset the roster so ecw will have the strange wrestlers including the divas and tagteams make ecw 2 hours and make it like the addtude era for the wwe fan who arent freakin little kids!!! then an ecw title match might get a freakin promo or some ecnolagment and for gods sake quit making every divas match a tag match even they deserve a promo if the rivalry iis good its a long list but for mr.mcmahon he can make it happen in no time. plz reply on my e-mail above
David- Kurt Angle isn’t one of the best in-ring. His time in TNA has proved that without any doubt… but this is besides the point.
Wrestling is about storytelling and building drama. Moves are tools used to that, but punching and kicking are just as effective as all the flips and counters in the world. I wrote about this in the recent Response to the Way Too Long Summerslam piece, but Terry Funk circa 89, Austin during his top drawing era, Ted Dibiase, and many many more awesome workers did almost entirely punching and kicking with their occasional trademark spot, but still varied it up enough to be some of the best ever. Moves don’t mean bad wrestling, but they are in no way needed to be great.
I agree John Cena is a Better wrestler then Orton, I’m am tired to see Orton as many people are. And his side kicks, they are the same as Orton. Keep Cena, Stop Orton.
Ace,
Let’t not confuse a well developed moveset with just randomly pulling out maneuvers whenever a wrestler wants. Like David says, within kayfabe, if a guy only learned to punch and kick when he was in training, he isn’t as “educated” from a wrestling standpoint as somebody with a knowledge of submission holds, throws, counters, aerial attacks, et cetera.
Now, while I’d never argue that a guy with 6 college degrees is smarter than me, I can see where more education might equate to “better able to handle certain challenges”. And the challenges a pro wrestler faces night after night (in kayfabe) include big, mean men trying to pin them to the mat, hurt them to the point they need to quit, or knock them out. So the more tools a wrestler has in his bag of tricks to deal with those attacks, the “better” he is. Surely a man of your intelligence can appreciate my position on this.
Vinny, welcome to AMR. I wrote half an essay in response and realized it’d be better saved for a full column, so see ya Monday!
First Cena has come a long way since when he first came on the scene. Secondly you are right they do need to put the title around Shawn Michaels and they need to keep it there for a while. He also should have been the guy to end the Undertaker’s streak at Wrestlemania. You talk about workers I don’t know that there has ever been a harder worker in the ring than Shawn. He ended Flair’s career, he should have beaten Undertaker and they need to give him one last run as champion. One that last more than a couple of weeks or one payper view, and actually groom some of their young talent to actually learn to wrestle and knock him off. That would give the title some credibility back. I can’t tell you how long it has been since I was really impressed by a match.
Ace,
Can’t wait! It’ll be my honor to be modestly responded to…
Aaron, you may be right about Angle. I don’t watch TNA. He’s just the guy who came to mind upon thinking back on some of the best matches I’ve seen. Completely effective counters and holds that you never saw coming.
I’ve always been a bigger fan of the guys who can move. When they have it together on the mic in addition, it’s a thing of beauty. I like Orton on the mic, I just hate this “RKO out of nowhere for the pinfall” after 20 minutes of getting his ass kicked nonsense.
This man is mad, mad of hatred! What a pity to use such a talent for such a hatred! Of course we all know that this “Wrestling entertainment machine” the WWE is a very complex machine, full of compromises and Vice McMahon far from to be a saint. But If there is some truth in what he want to say, his hatred destroys all he want to prove at least about Cena! Nobody is totally white or black but behind the scene he has also to recognize the incredible disciple of life and training that a wrestler does make for entertaining us! Cena is not the last to work hard! And his “Wish action ” for the terminated ill children is not a farce. “Focus on one wrestler because he worked hard and successed all the sins of the world is something disgusting me. Better for this man “to put a bullet in his skull” as he said, because things won’t change in that way. Cena is the wrestler who makes me and my friend and family loving entertainment wrestling. Long life to Cena !
By the way I think that’s a disgrace to Bleacher Report to have published this rubbish peace of hatred!
I think John Cena is the GREATEST!!! He’s the greatest wrestler since Stone Cold Steve Austin!!!
daniel dougless look do you have any idea what the hell you are saying in this badly written acting like you want to kill john cena are you stupid simple or slow or are you all of the above. you for 1 dont know how to write a good article 2 you are talking shit about friend of mine 3 i do believe you are trying to make a name for your at john expence do your self and the wwe universe a favor quit running your mouth piece before you are left laying some where trust me bitch you pissed off a lot of people with that bullshit article
Robert Kasee = Internet Tough Guy.
The truth hurts, doesn’t it?
Mr. Kasee,
One note, Sir. Mr. Douglas doesn’t live in the “WWE Universe” and isn’t worried about doing them any favors. That being said, he may write whatever he wishes in his own opinion column. I respect your right to disagree, but “running his mouth” is what Mr. Douglas is here on Pulse Wrestling for.
This is not a WWE site – Pulse Wrestling is where people of varied backgrounds with differing thoughts and opinions about pro wrestling (and everything else, actually) come to discuss their own thoughts and ideas about our beloved hybrid of athleticism and drama.
JOHN CENA SHOULD NOT DIE HE IS THE HOTTEST GUY EVER???
HE IS NOT GOING 2 DIE U PEOPLE R MEAN BIG FAT MEANY HEAD U GUYS R REALLY MEAN OH 1 MORE THING U GUYS R CRAZY???????????????????????????
Where are all these WWE marks coming from?
Better Google presence Vin.
With the good comes the bad, I guess.
Why aren’t you ever on aim?