So here I am eating cookies and deciding exactly what I’m going to say in my live review of the Chikara “Throwing Life’s Instructions Away” event from last Saturday. The cookies are Milano Double Chocolate from Pepperidge Farm and they’re quite great. I suggest everybody head down to their local supermarket and pick up a bag for themselves along with some milk to dip them in. The mix is delicious. In fact it’s almost as delicious as the Chikara show from Saturday.

See guys. After much deliberation, I’ve come to the mindset that Chikara is about as much an acquired taste as those cookies from Peperidge Farm. Now I know not everyone reading this review is going to go out of their way to pick these Milano cookies up, just as I know not everyone reading this review is going to go out and hit up the nearest Chikara show (or buy a Chikara DVD), but goddamn it, I have to say you guys are missing out either way.

After the horrible outing Ring of Honor had two weeks ago in Edison, NJ (never go to an Edison/NJ ROH show!), I was jonesing was for some honest to god entertaining professional wrestling. Well Chikara knocked it out of the ballpark. This event was everything Ring of Honor is not and quite frankly outclassed what was once the premiere independent promotion around the world.

“Throwing Life’s Instructions Away” took place in Easton, PA, in a very clean and family friendly Community Center. There were a ton of kids in the audience and other than the front row, all the seats were first come, first serve. What did that mean for those who get there early? Instant second row seats!

The show opened with Ophidian going up against Hallowicked. Ophidian is one half of the tag team, The Osirian Portal, and Hallowicked is a six foot tall masked wrestler who speaks in grumbles and growls. The crowd was evenly split between the two tecnicos, or good guy characters, but started leaning towards Ophidian as the match went on. This was a really good opener with both guys going through the majority of their movesets when Ophidian caught Hallowicked in a reverse roll-up for the victory.

Grade: 6.0

The show continued with Helios and Lince Dorado, The Future is Now, facing against The Badd Boyz, Chad Badd & Brad Badd. This was a very short match that quickly showcased just what Helios and Lince Dorado could do before the Bad Boyz quickly defeated Helios with their move, Decapitation. There was an insane spot where Helios kneeled on Lince Dorado’s shoulders. Lince then stood up with Helios still kneeling. Helios then jumped from his knees to Lince’s shoulders where he kept his balance for a second. Then stepped over to the top rope where he balanced himself for another second before moonsaulting onto one of the the Bad Boyz. Awesome stuff.

Grade: 5.9

Carpenter Ant vs. Amasis came up next in the worst match of the night. But considering what was coming up, I can understand why they did placed it where they did and considering what happened the following night, I can forgive the booking logic behind it. However the match itself was a very slow beatdown segment that had Carpenter get disqualified for sticking Amasis in a Tree of Woe and not breaking his assault on the Egyptian after the count of five.

Grade: 3.0

Next up was a fantastic back and forth contest between Player Dos and Yujiro Kushida from HUSTLE. There was a small bit of back and forth between Dos and Kushida, but Kushida usually spent most of the time dominating. Thanks to this there were a lot of technical touches in this match that aren’t usually found in the lucha stylings of Chikara and the contrast of Lucha vs. Puro worked really well here. In fact, in terms of pure professional wrestling, this was the match of the night. I’d love to see the match Kushida and Davey Richards could put on. The finish came when Dos caught Kushida with a frog splash for the win.

Grade: 7.5

The Order of the Neo Solar Temple, consisting of Ultra Mantis Black, Delirious, & Crossbones faced off against Claudio Castagnoli, Mike Quackenbush and Jorge “Skayde” Rivera. Skayde really showed his age here and looked as if his body was half a second behind where his mind wanted him to be. It was kind of sad to be honest. Although with the economy how it is, I can understand why Quackenbush would want to give the guy the opportunity to preform. That said however, Skadye really held the match down, nice a guy as he is, and Deliorious, of all people, tried his best to make everything stick together to no avail. Claudio Castagnoli meanwhile looked like a god here. He is much improved over his failed stint at the headling ROH last year and quite frankly the guy is a joy to watch. We’ll see how his heel turn goes here though.

The finish came when Claudio accidentally caught Skadye with a springboard elbow drop and again accidentally nailed Quackenbush with a running European Uppercut that lead into Ultramantis catching Quack with a backslide for the win.

Grade: 6.2

Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton of The Throwbacks then went up against Icarus & Chuck Taylor, aka Team F.I.S.T., in a very entertaining match-up. I really like the Dasher Hatfield character but apparently they’ll be getting rid of him to year to introduce a new gimmick for the wrestler (who gets a new gimmick yearly). The crowd was majorly against Icarus who had all the heat of a heel this side of Nigel McGuinness in New York City. And I mean that. This guy had about as much heat against him as Nigel McGuinness did in New York City against Bryan Danielson at the 7th Anniversary Show. Impressive stuff.

Dasher Hatfield picked up the win when he managed to roll up Icarus with a schoolboy roll-up for the win.

Grade: 7.2

Now sometime there are matches that aren’t all that technically great. They aren’t head-droppingly stiff. They aren’t insane sprints. But what they have is emotion. And really that’s the name of the game. To suck us all in and make us all turn into little marks. Hydra vs. Tim Donst was that match, and in terms of emotion I would rate it amongst The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, and Bryan Danielson vs. Takeshi Morshima at the Grand Ballroom.

The match was a career vs. career match with the loser leaving Chikara forever. As the match started, the crowd was going absolutely apeshit for Hydra and the emotion was tenable. You could taste it. Donst meanwhile played the part of the heel pitch perfectly. If the guy is able to get into better shape, I could see him being the equivalent of Jack Swagger for Chikara, but again only if he is able to get into shape.

Technically this match was nothing special, with the most memorable moment of the match being Hydra leaping through the ropes with a suicide dive at Donst, only to be caught in an RKO. But goddamn it, they didn’t need to do anything. They had the crowd in their hands and we screamed our hearts out hoping for Hydra to pick up the win. The emotion for this match isn’t something I’ve experienced in a long, long time and it was everything we all wish for professional wrestling to be at its best. It’s the moment when we forget we’re watching a match and we can turn the smark off inside our heads and just go along for the ride. That was this match and I loved it. Easily my favorite match of 2009 (although not necessarily the best – that would still be HBK/Taker).

The heartbreaking finish came when Donst grabbed the referee, nailed Hydra low with his leg, and picked up the 1-2-3. Then came the icing on the cake when they piped in Lou Gehrig’s retirement speech from the film “Pride of the Yankees” over the PA system and Hydra mimed along to the words. The moment was about as earnest, and funny, as anything I’ve seen in professional wrestling and deserved a standing ovation (which it got from every single member of the audience that night) and moved me more than I can say, no more than a painting, a piece of music, or a motion picture might move me. This was professional wrestling at it’s most inspired and for that I must say, thank you Chikara.

Grade: 9.3

Fire Ant, Soldier Ant and Green Ant faced Vin Gerard, STIGMA & Colin Delaney next up. The crowd was quite drained at this point and really there was no way these guys could have followed up what was sure to be a hallmark Chikara moment. It was decent but nothing memorable. However the guys did try to put on a good showing but really, we were spent.

Grade: 6.1

The main event of the show featured Jigsaw going up against Gran Akuma. This match has been building since the Dragon Gate USA show where Akuma turned on Quackenbush and Chikara and was telegraphed at during the last show in Easton when Akuma blindsighted Jigsaw. The match was relatively good, although vastly overrated by the majority of Chikara fans who were there. There were a number of neat spots from both guys, with Jigsaw wonderfully selling the leg, but again the match lacked the heat it should have had due to Hydra/Donst earlier. Good but not as good as Jigsaw’s last match in Easton against STIGMA. Jigsaw with the victory after crushing Akuma with a Jig N’ Tonic from the top rope.

Grade: 7.1

Overall a really enjoyable show and far less boring then Ring of Honor has been lately. The best part is that the wrestlers are just hanging about and if you want to approach them, they’ll usually accommodate you. In fact Lince Dorado came up to me and my friends and asked what I had going on with my DS (Picochat! bitches!) to which he replied that Picochat was boring (boo!) and then spent a good five minutes just chatting it up with my brother and our siblings. Back around the ring, Ophidian was hanging out around and talked to my nine year old cousin about how he liked the “ssssshow” and really made us laugh our asses off.

Honestly guys, make the trek, get into the company, because you know what? You won’t be sorry. Hopefully they start doing NYC shows soon.

And try those Milano Double Chocolate cookies. They rule!