TNA Monday Impact begins at 9PM Eastern, join us then!

Once upon I time I was known as WCWidro around these and other parts, and as such, I feel it is my duty to cover week 1 of the weak 2010 version of the Monday Night Wars. TNA Impact begins in just minutes! What will the first five minutes hold?

New TNA theme song and opening montage. Nice job, very polished.

The faux nWo music hits, and out comes Hulk Hogan and Abyss. Hogan has the red&yellow on. Hogan cuts a promo about something, then determines the HUGE MAIN EVENT shall happen to open the show instead.

Hulk Hogan & Abyss vs. A.J. Styles & Ric Flair
Match starts with Abyss and Ric Flair LOCKING UP. 9:08pm March 8, 2010, Flair’s retirement officially ends! Low blow and the heels take control. LIGHTS GO OUT IN THE IMPACT ZONE. It’s a man called Sting in the ring and he has a bat! Sting lines up with Hogan and Abyss but then SHOCKINGLY hits them instead with the bat. He chuckles. Ladies and gentlemen we have a heel turn. Or something. Styles grabs a chair. Flair with the weakest chairshot in history to Hogan. Three on two beatdown continues. Brooke Hogan looks concerned in the crowd. So does Dixie. Hogan is bleeding brother. Heels go to leave, but Hogan does a bloody promo making it a no DQ match and it will continue… NEXT

Commercial Break

Maybe the match isn’t next. Who knows. Backstage Sting STRANGLES DIXIE CARTER and says he owes her nothing. She acts like nothing. Sting might be a good Christian but when it’s appropriate he’ll still choke a bitch.

Styles and Flair talk about the opening with JB. Flair’s whole body appears to be turning red and melting at the same time.

Abyss cuts a rambling screaming promo and we cut to commercial.

Commercial Break

Backstage Brooke Hogan and Hogan’s New Girlfriend/Wife argue about Hogan being OK.

Frankie Kazarian is in the ring and he has a mic. He has returned to TNA to kick the X-Division up a notch. Daniels comes down with a mic. HE’S gonna be the leader of the X-Division. He’s the longest reigning TNA X champ ever. He calls himself Christopher Daniels – his first name has returned!!! That’s the first of three major returns here tonight on TNA Impact. Doug Williams comes out and we have a three way promo dance about the X-Division. Eric Bischoff comes out (appearing in Q2) and he, too, has a mic. Bischoff makes the match – three way X-Division title match tonight.

X-Division Title
Frankie Kazarian vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Doug Williams (c)
Lot of good spots in this one. Some great three-way spots. Finish comes with a German Suplex by Willianms on Daniels to retain.
Winner: Williams

After the match, Shannon Moore runs in with the GIGANTIC MOHWAK and clears house on Williams. Bischoff comes back up (Q2, Q3), and announces a Williams vs Moore match for Destination-X.

Dixie is backstage with JB and she’s angry with Sting. She booked a match of Sting vs. ???

Commercial Break

In-Commercial shot of the three Beautiful People checking out each other’s ass.

Sarita and Taylor Wylde come down. Tenay says that since Awesome Kong and Hamada didn’t defend the Knockout Tag Titles in 30 days, so they are stripped.

Knockouts Tag Team Titles
Taylor Wylde & Sarita vs. Beautiful People vs. Angelina Love & Tara
Three way girl action! Finish comes when Daffney interferes and hits Tara and the ‘People get the pin.
Winner and New TNA Knockouts Tag Champions: The Beautiful People

Backstage The Pope chats with Christy Hemme. Desmond Wolfe comes in and lays out the Pope with a chain.

JB and the Beautiful People celebrate with champagne backstage. Video of the Hogan/Sting/Flair opening segment.

Commercial Break

Sting is in the ring and here he is – RVD.

Sting vs. Rob Van Dam
Sting is shocked, RVD hits rolling thunder and gets a pin in like 20 seconds.
Winner: RVD

Sting goes to work with the bat immediately as the crowd chants RVD. RVD sells in the ring. Hulk Hogan’s music plays and he comes out looking super old. Long beatdown of RVD continues as the security force holds back Grandpa Hogan. Grandpa Sting continues hitting RVD with a bat. What a return for RVD!

Kevin Nash and Eric Young come down. Nash has a CONTRACT in his hand for a one-time match with Scott Halt and Sean Waltman for a match at Destination X.

After the break, we’re still waiting for Hall and Waltman. Tenay: “How do they keep getting into the building??” They come thru the crowd. HEY YO. I still popped. Hall said they would do the tag match at the PPV, and if they win, they get a fat contract. Hall calls Nash “Big Sell Out”. Hall calls out Bischoff. He comes out, and says if Hall&Waltman win, they get a contract. If they lose, they are out of TNA. Pac slaps Young, they brawl. As they brawl, Hall and Nash are “held” back by security in the corner. They are leaning nicely on the corner. Bischoff back on the mic (Q2, Q3, Q5, Q6) and makes a match between Young and Pac for now with Hall and Nash banned from ringside.

Sean Waltman vs. Eric Young
Young all over Waltman to start. Waltman takes control and goes for the bronco buster. Young hits a piledriver for the pin
Winner: Young

Backstage a Hummer drives up and some Army guys enter the IMPACT ZONE.

Commercial Break

About a dozen army guys line the aisles and out comes Kurt Angle in a suit. He comes out and cuts a promo on Ken Anderson and promoting the soldiers. Anderson is backstage and responds, and before he gets started, Kurt barrels into the interview set and beats down Ken. Brawling to the ring area, and the army guys act like lumberjacks and beat up Anderson to help Angle. Anderson clears out and Angle celebrates with his troop buddies.

Commercial Break

Bubba the Love Sponge is backstage with the Hulkster trying to convince him that he’s a cripple and shouldn’t wrestle again tonight. In comes Earl Hebner and he wants a second chance.

Jarrett and Foley chat backstage. Jarrett goes up to James Storm and is mad about some kind of match. Bobby Roode and Storm double team Jarrett until Foley wanders over in a suit and tells them to go to the ring.

Commercial Break

Back in the ring and Beer Money beats down Jeff Jarrett on the floor. Jarrett makes his own comeback for a bit. Slick Johnson comes down with the barbed wire bat. So does Mick Foley in a ref-stripe painted shirt. All the chaos leads to Jarrett pinned with Slick counting the pin. I guess this was a match.

Backstage Brooke Hogan cries and Hulk reassures her. She thinks he’s crippled and shouldn’t wrestle.

Commercial Break

No DQ
Hulk Hogan & Abyss vs. Ric Flair & A.J. Styles

Commercial Break

Start in the ring with Hogan and Flair. They move to the floor to brawl and they are both bloodied. Flair has a full crimson mask. Back into the ring. Hogan removes his lifting belt and WHIPS Flair. Low Blow and tag to Styles. He beats down Hogan. Brooke is super worried! Hogan to the floor right near Brooke. AJ follows. Brings Hogan into the ring. Flair in. Goes up top – you know what happens! Hogan tosses Flair and both Grandpas want a tag. Both tag and Abyss is a house a fire. Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the pin.
Winners: Hogan & Abyss

After the match Desmond Wolfe comes down and hits Abyss with a chair. Goes to hit Hogan, who blocks it. Flair chop blocks Hogan. Heel beatdown. The Pope comes down for the save, but AJ clips him and clears him to the floor. Then some music hits and its JEFF HARDY. He clears the ring of the heels! Goes up top for the swanton and we are out of time! Goodnight!

Tags: impact, TNA