For Your Consideration…RAW Gets Punk’d (A little on the nose, don’t ya think?)

Welcome back for another edition of “For Your Consideration”. Tonight’s RAW promises to be interesting, though I doubt it will be as newsworthy as last week’s episode [Editor’s Note: My DVR did not record “RAW” last night on the one week where I wasn’t able to start watching it live, so I had to download it early Tuesday, which is why the column is a little late. Sorry again for the delay, though I did mention it on my Twitter site at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316 so there’s my cheap plug in my mia culpa]. Seriously, in hindsight, RAW last week was pretty chock full of “stuff”; Batista quitting the WWE, Bret Hart becoming the RAW GM, the Samoans debuting as a tag threat, R-Truth winning the US Title and the four competitors for the WWE Title decided. That’s an impressive two hours of TV, folks.

Fatal Four-Way Main Event Thoughts:

This past week was a relatively slow news week, with the WWE dominating the stories with their push towards Fatal Fourway. RAW’s main event is going to be Cena, Sheamus, Orton and Edge, though Randy’s injured shoulder may necessitate a last minute pinch hitter. While a lot of rumors have swirled that it will be Triple H, chances are the WWE will go with the more practical choice of Chris Jericho. First off, bringing back Triple H for a middling summer PPV seems like a desperate move that isn’t necessary, especially when you consider that the company just dusted off Taker and stuck him into the Smackdown main event. Second, Jericho has to be reintroduced to the RAW audience as a world title contender, because even though he successfully defended his title at Wrestlemania, it was in a feud that (thanks to Edge’s heel turn) never happened for a title that’s still viewed as secondary because it’s on Friday Nights. Lastly, it’s a moot point because Randy Orton is going to be in the match one way or the other. Chances are, if he’s really that injured, the WWE will have Edge and Sheamus jump him earlier in the night and then have Randy do the long and lumbering limp down the aisle to throw a token RKO or two. Trust me, the guy doesn’t want to lose his slot, and unless that arm ventures into Scott Steiner ankle territory, I think he’ll be on the show.

Smackdown’s main event is going to be The Showstopping Opportunisticly Weaselish All American American Kurt Swangle against The Big Show, CM Delirious and The Underwhelmer. And of course, now that I’ve typed this, there are rumors that Taker is injured and may not be able to compete because of a…snicker…concussion. Oh come on, of course he’ll wrestle with a concussion. Nothing bad happens from that, right? Who are you going to believe, the WWE or a guy from Tough Enough?

In all seriousness, Taker should be okay considering this is a four-way match. Four-way matches are by design terrible. These matches are built around guys laying on the ground doing nothing for minutes at a time, which will disguise his injuries nicely. The Undertaker’s summer cousin The Underwhelmer was brought back to pop the PPV ratings, and that’s all he’s going to do. If he can’t really go, he’ll do a big entrance and hobble around while Swangle and CM bounce off of Show. Besides, the storylines here have nothing to do with Taker at all; it’s all about Big Show being robbed at Over the Limit and Swangle looking to retain by any means necessary.

The Plight of the TV-PG Rating:

There was talk this past week on the Pulse again about the TV-PG rating, and I wanted to touch on it for a minute. While I think it’s a good theory to say that the TV-PG rating has hurt the product, I don’t think in actuality it really has. First and foremost, the WWE’s desire to lower their rating was a pure business decision. The popular theory around the ‘Net was that Vince toned down his product to help Linda’s Senate bid, but that just doesn’t hold water with me. See, the McMahon campaign coming out and saying that they have toned down their product as a response to the election is essentially them admitting that they were putting on a tawdry show that the WWE should have been ashamed of. Vince may be a lot of things, but when it comes to admitting he’s wrong, he’s certainly not an apologist. If anything, moving to TV-PG hurts Linda’s bid because there is enough footage floating around from the past thirteen years of lingerie pillow fights and hand births to sink any campaign, and the switch looks like downright pandering. The WWE moved to a TV-PG format because it was smart business. Vince can say all he’d like that this was because the fans demanded it, but in reality it was the advertisers that begged for a tamer product.

When the WWE moved to UPN for Smackdown in ’99, they had several major advertisers in their pocket; Ford, Coke and JVC. Once the show hit the network airwaves and were susceptible to the Parent Television Council, Coke and Ford bailed out, leaving the WWE with R/C Cola ads and 1-800-Collect spots. Now, in 2010, advertisers are willing to shell out big money for the audience that the WWE brings in, and the TV-PG rating helps grease the wheels of resistance from corporate juggernauts. Yes, there are still lame commercials for Just For Men, but there are also more spots for Taco Bell and major studio releases (not just shlocky horror films and direct-to-DVD stuff). The money that Vince generates from these ads are off the charts, and worth much more to his shareholders than the potential ratings dip by losing the TV-14 tag.

Do the fans suffer? Not really. What did we really lose? Blood? I’ve covered blood earlier, and while I think it is a great artistic tool that is no longer at the WWE’s disposal, I don’t think that it’s gone because of the PG tag. Hell, there are plenty of cartoons on today that feature blood but don’t have that TV-14 rating. The blood issue is a moot point anyway since Vince made that decision independent of the ratings decision (though don’t think that it makes certain family-friendly advertisers happy to see fewer shots of gushing red stuff flowing from gaping wounds).

The other major thing that WWE TV lost was sex, which isn’t really the end of the world anyway. Sure, most of us came of age before or during the Attitude Era (and I think everyone with AOL downloaded some pictures of Sunny back in the day), but the edginess of it all is long gone. Thanks to the proliferation of the Internet, kids don’t need the WWE to titillate (a great word that looks a lot dirtier than it is), so why bother? Fans weren’t tuning in to Monday Night RAW to see The Kat instead of Steve Austin. Sure, none of us would mind the occasional raunch, but to say that this takes away from the broadcast is ludicrous.

Creative is always going to fill the shows with fluff, and RAW has been a fluff-heavy show for over a decade. Yes, we can complain about things like the fucking midget (and I do on a weekly basis), but if this was TV-14, it would be the fucking midget interfering in a bra and panties match instead of throwing a pie.

Chances are, if you’re reading this column, you’re not the Hornswoggle audience. And to be honest, the WWE doesn’t need us. They need the youth audience. When wrestling took off in the late 90’s, it was on the shoulders of teenagers, college kids and Gen-Xers who thought that they were watching something edgy and different. Now, thanks to UFC, wrestling looks like the old carnival sideshow that it’s always been. Those casual fans see a UFC fight and then see a WWE match and they just don’t equate them as equals. If you’re a wrestling fan and you’re out of high school, they know that they have you hooked. And if you leave the show? So what? There are enough younger fans who are part of the Cenation or sporting a Rey Mysterio mask to replace you.

And why should the WWE go back to TV-14? Their show is a solid if unspectacular machine that meets the goals of the board of directors. Sure, the numbers are a little soft, but so what? The WWE in the past two years lost Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam and Ric Flair to the competition. They lost Shawn Michaels as a weekly performer. They lost Batista as a weekly performer. This summer they lost Triple H and The Undertaker as full-time competitors. RAW is anchored by four legitimate stars in Cena, Orton, Edge and Jericho, while Smackdown has Rey Mysterio, CM Punk and The Big Show. Ratings are going to go a little soft because those fans that only tune in to see big name stars don’t think that there are a lot in the WWE. And that’s fine, because they make up about as much as the people who were watching TNA when it was on Monday Nights.

Switching back to TV-14 won’t make the shows any better or bring in higher ratings, because they’ll just fill the terrible kiddie segments with terrible sex-joke segments. Wrestling doesn’t need to be edgy anymore, because the audience just won’t buy it. They need to put on good matches and tell good stories, and while the shows might not be setting the world on fire, they kinda are.

Pulse Pounding:

Alright, this is my last issue and then onto the show. So in case you haven’t noticed, there have been some changes at PulseWrestling. The higher-ups have decided to increase the amount of news stories that the site runs, and it has certainly generated some feedback. As a courtesy to the powers that be, the writers on the site are almost always asked to not comment about InsidePulse as a whole, or any of the other columnists. I normally have no problem doing that, as over the course of three plus years here, I’ve carved out a nice little niche and have been given free reign to do the kind of column that I please (for which I am always grateful).

On the one side of this issue is what some feel is excessive news publishing. You come to this site at 4:30 and there are thirty stories and then ten minutes later there are thirty new stories. Even more strange, the bulk of those stories aren’t really “news” at all. In fact, the majority of what’s posted is just regurgitations from other sites who live and die by telling their fans about every little detail in a wrestler’s daily life. Pulse has always had a different approach to news by posting bigger stories when they break, but leaving the majority of the stuff to the columnists. This site has thrived where others haven’t on the strength of incredible writers who have raised the discourse on wrestling to a higher level than the majority of the IWC. But then again, I don’t have to tell you that, because you’re here for a reason. I have always boasted that our site brings in a more intelligent reader, and for that I thank you.

However, there is a large contingent of wrestling fans out there that aren’t in the market for thoughtful opinions and well reasoned arguments but rather scour the bottom of the barrel for the kind of celebrity news gossip that tabloids condition us to desire. For those fans, the Pulse has decided to offer the plethora of news updates in an effort to draw in more eyeballs. Because just like anything else, more eyeballs is the name of the game. Am I thrilled with this decision? Not particularly. I have noticed that my column stays on the main page for a much shorter window of time, which has cut into the number of readers I get in a given week. Yes, I do write the Tuesday Midnight column, and yes, that is right around the time that a lot of other news is breaking, but it doesn’t mean that my piece has to be buried under an avalanche of quasi-news. But that’s not what we at the Pulse want, but rather what you the audience wants. You want lots of news updates at a rapid pace, so just like the WWE and TV-PG, the site accommodates you. It might suck for me, but I’ve discovered that I have a very loyal core audience that not only reads and enjoys my column, but also e-mails it, Tweets about it and comments on it every single week. If in the end these news posts are going to generate more viewers to our site and in turn expose me to a new audience, then I’m all for it.

For now, I will be content in my role as the Andy Rooney on this topic.

On the other hand, there have been some on this site that have voiced their displeasure in a less-than-mature manner. While getting into the ugly politics of the IWC is about as interesting as discussing a fisheries bill, I do want to touch on this for a second.

I can agree with someone’s sentiment without agreeing with their tactics, and this past weekend was an example of that coming to an ugly light. One of the writers for this site took it upon himself to take a private disagreement with policy and make it very public. He chose the low road in an effort to get himself over, because that’s what all the good heat magnets do. To say that I don’t fully respect his opinions is an understatement, but that’s neither here nor there. My issue is with the fact that when someone goes into business for himself, everyone suffers. I have been e-mailed, IMed and Tweeted about this issue, and while I have refrained from comment up until now, I cannot do so any longer.

All I will say (and then consider this issue over) is that it’s not what men do. You wanna throw a temper tantrum and try to cover it up with cheap humor? Be my guest, but in case no one noticed, the majority of the feedback has been to do nothing but compare him to other (and superior) writers from the past. I’m not saying that I’m one of the greats out there, but I take my audience into consideration each and every week. I won’t write something that I’m ashamed of, and I know that the majority of the writers here won’t as well, but when one person goes out of his way to try and lambaste the site, he’s ripping into everyone that gives up their time and energy to produce a high quality product. Hope that wasn’t way too long for you all.

Alright, enough of this, it’s time to get down to what I like to do best…

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 5/31/10

“The world is watching!”

We open the show with…zuh? Edge is already in the ring beating the holy hell out of Evan Bourne. Wow, no pyro, no ballyhoo, no nothing. Instead, it’s a full on WWE versus ROH war…kinda. Even WWE Sign Guy is aghast.

Apparently Edge came out before the broadcast to cut a promo for some reason but then Evan Bourne came to interrupt him. Well that’s the kind of thing that would have been star-making had they actually aired it.

Edge wails away on Bourne, but not even Edge cans top Token Offense! Bourne positions Edge for AirBourne, but Edge slides out of the ring. Edge then positions himself for the Spear, which means he’s going to win this nonsanctioned beatdown.

Edge now had the microphone and he says what just happened to Evan Bourne is going to happen to his opponents at Fatal Fourway. So he’s going to jump them all before the match? Well that seems to be robbing the fans of some decent mediocrity.

Edge says that people like Evan Bourne disrespect him, but at the PPV that all changes because he’s nothing like his opponents. John Cena: he’s a superhero and the strongest man not on roids. Sheamus: doesn’t care what’s in his way. Randy Orton: He’s a viper. So to recap; Edge isn’t strong, he isn’t unstoppable and he isn’t vicious. I don’t think he thought this promo all the way through. Maybe Bourne pulled a Rey Mysterio and gave Edge a concussion. Nah, I doubt it, since Bourne isn’t on the way out and would conduct himself like a professional.

Edge promises to prove all of us wrong, making him the anti-Principal Skinner. If Edge wins, he’ll be 10-Time WWE Champion. Take THAT, Ric Flair.

Well, I’m starting to hear voices, which means it’s time for a freshly shaved head, an orange spray tan and some babyoil. Randy slides into the ring as Edge rattles off nicknames. Side note: why the hell isn’t Orton wearing pants? I mean, Edge had the courtesy to put some jeans on.

Edge says that Orton isn’t 100% and he knows that Edge will hurt him. Edge then asks the pantsless man to gaze into his eyes, so Orton RKOs him. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Orton then steps onto the second turnbuckle to show how big the sub in catering was. Damn Randy, that’s a big sandwich.

Orton continues to stand on the turnbuckle past the replay as Cole informs us that tonight Randy Orton and John Cena will face Edge and Sheamus. But wait…they’re all going to be opponents…how can they coexist?!

Also tonight, Ashton Kutcher is there to be our Guest Host whether we like it or not.

Commercial.

We’re back and did you know the WWE loves the military?

Ashton is in the back and apparently Zach Ryder is talking smack about him on Twitter. Eve Torres then shows up to hug him, but she’s way too young for him. Ashton says that he’s got the keys to the castle (which is where tonight’s RAW must be broadcast from) and since Ashton Kutcher is in a movie about being a hitman, he’s put a hit out on Zach Ryder.

The Miz then appears out of nowhere to say that he should be in Killers Part 2. Kutcher says that Bret Hart wants a match for The Miz, so tonight he’s facing Daniel Bryan. Well, so much for saving that for PPV. The Miz promises to beat him to a bloody pulp. Kutcher says that this is going to be difficult to do, and not just because this is a TV-PG. Ashton then promises to shove a Nikon Camera up his ass. But not in a gay way.

Justin Roberts then introduces…sigh…Resurrection-Truth. And here comes the 21st Century Minstrel Show, complete with an Otunga-esque hoodie. We then relive the groundbreaking moment where he beat The Miz for his first WWE belt, which is kinda surprising since I thought he was a tag champion. Guess maybe that was K-Kwik, who looked a lot like this guy.

His opponent is…oh come on…Chris Jericho. Well it looks like someone has some heavy lifting to do tonight. Thankfully, this is nontitle, so chances are he’s gonna win. Cole says that if Jericho wins, he might put himself into US Title contention. That’s right folks, the former multi-time world champion needs to prove himself in order to get a shot against R-Truth.

Truth starts breakdancing before Chris grabs a headlock. Jericho then shoulderblocks him down but eats a hiptoss. I’ve said it before, if Truth can slow down the spinning and flipping and focus on just doing standard moves, he might not be so bad. Unfortunately, he keeps trying to do things that are out of his range.

Jericho gets dumped to the outside and Truth leaps over the top rope after him and comes crashing down on…

Commercials.

We’re back and during the break, Jericho beat on Truth for a while. Cole again says that beating Truth would do wonders for Jericho. Let me remind everyone again that Jericho main evented Mania while Truth was the curtain-jerker. A faint “Jericho” chant breaks out as Cole continues to hammer the other point home that people don’t take R-Truth seriously. So to recap: no one believes in R-Truth, but if Jericho beats him, it will be a major moment in his career.

Truth comes back with what Cole calls a “quirky” style before he botches a headscissor. Truth then connects with a boot to the face but runs into a boot by Jericho, who connects with a running bulldog. Jericho goes for a Lionsault, but Truth gets out of the way. Truth goes for a bicycle kick, but this gets turned into a Walls of Jericho attempt that gets blocked. Truth then botches a suplex and barely avoids breaking Chris’s neck. And you guys thought I disliked Truth before. Imagine if he paralyzed Jericho.

Chris connects with a clothesline for two before badmouthing Charles Robins…anonymous referee. Jericho keeps asking Truth what’s up, and apparently what’s up is a hope spot. This doesn’t last long as Jericho locks in the Walls, but Truth rolls through again and gets a small package for three. Really? Lawler says he never thought he’s seen someone counter the Walls like that. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s wrong. Jericho looks disgusted, and I can’t really say I blame him. Truth then poses with the one black kid in the crowd before singing along to his entrance song one more time.

Commercial.

We’re back with the official song for F4tal Way and here’s Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Dapper Male” Cole throwing us to a video package explaining last week.

In the back, Zach Ryder and Alicia Jackson are berating a slicked back Bret Hart. He says he has bigger issues than them, which brings in the Hart Dynasty. Bret says that he signed the Samoans that attacked them and now he says that they need to return the favor. As he leaves, the Hart Dynasty then begin doing the kind of whisper plotting that you only see in cartoons.

Speaking of cartoonish, here comes Santino and Eve Torres. Who needs Batista when we still have Marella?

Commercial.

We’re back and Santino is showing Eve how to do his Cobra gimmick. Maryse comes out alone in a ridiculous red outfit. Her partner is William Regal, who is being accompanied to the ring by Vladamir Kozlov. So is this where Kozlov turns on Regal and joins with Santino?

Regal is decked out in his fancy drapes costume, for those of you wondering. Santino says that for the love of George Lucas, stop the Darth Vader music. Marella asks Vlad why he’s still with Regal when they could be a tag team. Apparently, if Vlad joins, Eve will fuck him. Not a terrible deal. She hasn’t been in the WWE long enough to have done the bulk of the locker-room, so she should be relatively clean…unless she already met up with Cowboy Bob Orton.

Eve and Maryse start it off with the same series of moves they always do. Maryse then tags in Regal, which means it’s time to see Santino wrestle. The Texans chant for Santino, which isn’t going a long way towards making me not hate Texas. Santino then tries to sweep the leg but Regal just beats the hell out of him while calling him pathetic. If that’s not a face turn, I don’t know what is. Regal then connects with a throw before busting out the Regal Stretch. Eve breaks it up and there’s a catfight. Kozlov runs in the ring and chokeslams Regal. Well, I guess that’s a heel turn from the Russian. You know, because we like Regal and can’t stand Santino. It makes sense to me, damnit. Stay tuned for months of Italian and Russian wackiness.

Bret Hart is in the back and he’s walking towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and we cut to a shot of the American Flag to welcome Bret Hart. Sure, that makes sense. Hart is kinda dressed like a grownup this week, which is a nice change of pace. Bret says hello to the folks in Austin Massachusetts before saying that he’s been GM for a whole week and he’s been having a lot of fun apparently. Guess catering got better over the years. Next week, Bret and Smackdown GM Teddy Long decided to have all the stars of RAW and Smackdown for a special night. It’s gonna be a three hour RAW and the fans can participate with their ideas. Next week’s RAW will be a night to remember and it’ll be fun.

This brings out Teddy DiBiase and Virgil, the antithesis of fun. Who the hell keeps cuing up his music? If we could find this guy and stop him, we could finish off this Teddy push.

Teddy, who’s dressed like a magician for some reason, suggests that he should be made General Manager for the night. If he does that, he’ll be compensated. Teddy says Bret isn’t too good to be bought. Well, how else would you explain seeing him back on WWE TV in the first place? Teddy says he could buy off Long easily, but not Bret Hart. Guess Hart didn’t want that 40 acres and a mule. DiBiase says that Bret took the GM job because he needs money, and Teddy can fix that by making him General Manager. Doesn’t seem like a bad deal.

This gets interrupted by Ashton Kutcher on the screen. Kutcher says that next week there should be a viewer’s choice. Sounds original and not at all like Taboo Tuesday or Cyber Sunday. Next week’s RAW is a Viewer’s Choice Night, so I guess it’ll have to be hosted by Queen Latifa who always seems to host that nonsense.

This brings out Vince McMahon for the first time since Wrestlemania. He’s got one hell of a jacket and a big smile. Vince looks like a Senator’s wife. Vince then gets another pop for saying his name. Apparently they’re now best of friends. Vince says that Bret looks old while he looks better. “I wasn’t looking so well at Wrestlemania.” Well, that’s an understatement. Vince says that Bret hit him with a chair eighteen times, which would have injured a normal man. Hart says he got most of the bile and hatred out of his system as the fans chant “You tapped out.” Vince says he didn’t really. Vince says that he allowed Bret to be GM because he thinks he’s the man for the job. McMahon says that all of Bret’s decisions have been easy, but eventually he will make some tough decisions. Vince says you have to treat the audience like children, which I think I covered in the column above. Vince wraps it up by wishing Bret luck and says that this is a wonderful story and he hopes for a happy ending. It’s a truly American Story (you know, foreigners taking American jobs).

Commercial.

Zach Ryder is in the back with Randy Orton and Orton says if he wanted to take Ryder out, they wouldn’t be talking. Edge then pops out of Orton’s dressing room and slams the door on his arm. A random guy in a tropical shirt runs out of nowhere to ask for help.

Commercial.

We are live from the University of Texas, so all I have to say is “Go Gators!”

Awesome, here comes The Miz. Even more awesome? It’s time to see Bryan Danielson wrestle on RAW. Sadly, he still has to come out to the NXT theme by Not Kings of Leon.

We relive the Cole/Bryan saga. Cole says that he isn’t a wrestler. I would like to point out that that’s never stopped David Otunga.

Bryan fires off some kicks and punches before grounding The Miz. He then locks in an armbar but Miz is in the ropes. Bryan charges the corner but gets caught with a clothesline to the back of the head. Miz then delivers left hands and kicks Bryan in the head. Miz then gets slapped in the face but fires back with a dozen punches. Miz then connects with the leaping clothesline before climbing to the top rope with a double-axe handle. Cole is laying on the insults pretty thick. Bryan then pulls out a Crossface out of nowhere but Miz rolls through for a two count. Bryan then reverses it and gets the pinfall. Miz jumps him from behind and throws him out of the ring. On the outside, Miz demands that Bryan apologizes to Cole, but Bryan takes over and launches Miz into Michael Cole. I now nominate Miz as best foreign object used this year.

Commercial.

We’re back and Cole is all disheveled due to being hit with an upper midcarder.

Last week, the Harts got jumped by a tsunami of Samoans. Those Samoans are now in the ring and for some reason they sound like Cryme Time but are dressed like the Mean Street Posse. Apparently they put the Hart Dynasty on their backs last weekend. Really? The day of the week is in the NAME OF THE SHOW! These guys are apparently related to the Wild Samoans, but unlike them, these guys dress fancy and go to college. Oh yeah, well your mom goes to college. They then pass it off to the “woman” in their group, who has got to actually be Jimmy Snuka in drag. Buzz, your girlfriend, woof. The Snukette complains about Jimmy being overlooked, but she won’t let that happen because they were born for one purpose, dominate. Technically that would be “to dominate”, but I guess they didn’t learn that in their fancy colleges.

The Harts surprise attack them (complete with entrance music) and the Harts go for the Hart Attack but wind up getting their asses kicked. Oh, and of course they do the Samoan Drop. To finish it off, they go for the triple splashes and AGAIN botch it. Hey, here’s an idea, stop doing that spot.

Lawler informs us that they are Rikishi’s twin sons as I try to wrap that around my skull. How can we be so old that Rikishi’s KIDS are wrestling on RAW?

So because earlier tonight Edge slammed Orton’s arm in the door, he’s out of the main event.

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes Zach Ryder. Ryder says that putting a hit out on him is a bad idea because he’s going to come out and demand to know who it is. Ten bucks says Khali. Ryder says that he could double Kutcher’s Twitter followers in a day. Hey, remember when Booker T and Edge feuded over shampoo? Just saying.

Jerry Lawler then walks into the ring with a chair, but he then sits down. Sure enough, it’s Khali. Oh wait, it isn’t Khali. It’s Goldust. Wait, no it isn’t Goldust. So Dustin had to put his makeup on for twelve seconds? Fox says she’s tired of the jokes and of course she’s the one to take out Ryder. She kicks him in the head before dancing out of the ring (despite almost falling out of the ring). Kutcher then tags this segment by using Ryder’s own catchphrase.

Edge and Sheamus are in the back. “Alright fellah, aye saw wutch didta Orton and ah hafta say ah liked it. Ay hair wut ya said urlier, and ur right, yer nuthin like me. Ah am a bulldozah.” Edge says that tonight they could take out John Cena if they’re smart. “Aye hafta agree wit ya. But if you take advantage ah may espence, it’ll be d alas misdake ya ever make. Ya got meh?”

Commercial.

This week in WWE History: The Junkyard Dog gets saluted. Man, I love WWE 24/7.

Next week, the cast of the A-Team hosts RAW.

Edge is out first, complete with replays from earlier tonight. Sheamus is out next, and I think we can all agree that him finally cutting a promo tonight was long overdue.

Cena is out for the first time tonight and he gets a great ovation. John has a microphone and says he has some unfortunate news. Randy Orton has reinjured his shoulder and won’t compete tonight. Thankfully everyone hates them, so his partner is Evan Bourne. That’s right, tonight’s main event features Evan Bourne on a night where Daniel Bryan beat The Miz. Guess I wasn’t so far off with my ROH versus WWE joke.

If you listen closely, you can hear John Morrison in the back sobbing into the muzzle of a gun.

Cena and Edge start it off and Bourne is on the apron looking like a Make-A-Wish kid. Edge begins by hammering away on Cena, but John reverses and starts off with a bulldog before tagging in Bourne. Evan comes off the top rope with double knees before taking Edge down with an armbar. Dean Malenko would be proud. Bourne connects with a headscissor and a series of kicks. Edge rolls to the outside and heads for a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Cena is pounding away on Sheamus. He tags in Bourne who connects with a running cannonball for two. Bourne then delivers kicks but eats an elbow from Sheamus. Sheamus beats on Bourne in the corner before tagging in Edge. Edge stomps on Bourne before kicking him on the apron.

Edge tags in Sheamus, who really does feel like a main event heel. Sheamus lifts Bourne up for a suplex but Bourne breaks free and goes for the hot tag but Sheamus breaks it up with a double axe-handle. Well, good to see that move has returned.

Edge gets tagged back in and starts kicking Bourne in the ribs. Edge goes for a two count but Evan kicks out. Bourne tries to start up again but gets kicked in the face. Edge then locks in a resthold that starts a thunderous amount of claps from the crowd. Hey, if the WWE isn’t careful, Bounre might just get over.

Evan and Edge both crawl for tags, and they both connect. Cena busts of the Five Moves of Mediocrity, including the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the FU but Sheamus counters and connects with a powerslam before unleashing the O’Doyle Rules yell. He tries for the Bicycle Kick but misses it and gets hit by a kick from Bourne. Evan then goes to the top rope and hits AirBourne for the pin and the place comes unglued. Hopefully the company doesn’t forget about this in a week or so (but who are we kidding, they probably will).

Evan Bourne poses on the second rope opposite John Cena to close the show.

This has been for your consideration.