Hi there, I’m FLEA and it it’s officially spring. How would I know that? I watch the weather reports. It’s tough action in Florida when your report is warm or HOT with a 50% CHANCE OF RAIN
That drives me nuts. 50%? You went to school to provide me even odds on rain or not? Anyway, it’s spring time, so expect to fall in love and then have your heart tragically broken by the holidays. Hopefullly before you shell out money for a swank gift
Once again, it’s RAW so we shall do a:
Top 3 of 6 – Monday Night RAWr
1) First off, Cole comes down dressed as and imitating Jim Ross. This is obviously not as offensive as Oklahoma, because everyone is on the same team. That ends and out comes the Game
He’s over. H gets his promo time and makes it clear that he’s going to win or die trying(*). H also requests UT join him next week for a showdown
2) Interspersed later in the show are various Superstars, Hall of Famers and John Morrison. This is a good build. If it were boxing or UFC, many people would be calling this the greatest build ever, but H is involved and there is only so much disbelief people will suspend when it comes to giving anything that H is involved in praise
(*) Die trying is a way of saying career is over. No bitching should be done about the use of the phraseÂ Â Â Â Â
3) I don’t have fear the outcome will be UT 19-0, but this is almost close enough to chap the ass of anyone who thinks that H would have the gall to end the streak. I’m unsure of the reality for a rematch for next year, but that would be the way to build. Neither need to be on TV or house shows, but by December, a really storng storyline could be bulit for the 20-0 “then that’s it” match. That would require much patience, and tons of luck, one of which is in very short supply post-April
ROCK / CENA / MIZ
1) No Rock this week, much to my delight, but Cena theatens that Rock -E will be there next week, face to face, which could mean Cena staring into a TV monitor. Cena “from his home”, which resembled a set, made these remarks, barely remiding me that this is about the match with MIZ
2) MIZ takes things in his own hands and presented himself with a un-tricked version of the spinner, which just says “M”. for MIZ. Dial M for Moron. This has been coming for so long that people are asking for royalty fees for booking this years ago. First time I saw the spinner belt, I thought Matt Hardy should win it and do the same thing, But I want no resposibility for this
3) A-Rye is back as Director of We Have Nothing For You Other Than Being an Anchor to the MIZ. He’s blowing someone and willl not be released, although his antics kill whatever cred MIZ is trying to build. If MIZ had enough heat to trickle down that one would be one thing, but the MIZ is a distant 3rd in his own fucking programÂ Â Â Â Â
MORRISON / DOLPH AND THE GIRLS
1) For two weeks in a row, the best wrestling segment. Not long, but built as a feeling out match for WM. Difference is M and Trish will have Snooki, who has certainly got WWE the mainstream pub, as planned. They’ll most likely never admit how many buys that Snooki brings to the table, but HEY WE ARE ON ALL THE TALK SHOWS!
2) Cole continued his gimmick of requesting the Women’s match (in this case Eve and Maryse) to “go home” and let him get back to his own fucking show. This made Eve mad enough to go Cole Mining and will likely lead to her getting bullied / Cole-Locked next week. Beats a two second Bellas cameo
3) Arwesome Kong wll be starting shortly after WM, which means look out everyone. Huge and can work. A Trish / Kong fead could be built and rule. Natalya as well. Kong should not leave he feet the first 6 months she is there. Which means she will be pinned 1,2,3 kid in her 3rd match. By GAWD
COLE / LAWLER / SWAGGERÂ Â
1) This just kepps betting better and better. Swag as an imposing figure while Cole rips Lawler apart was a nice tough. Lawler chasing Cole and running into a clothesline harks back to the days of doing that to myself – forgetting where the fuck the clothesline was running through the yard at night. Like that never happend to you. Okay, as least admit to stepping on a rake and getting brained
2) Just so may nice touches, likel Cole hiding in the booth until Lawler was totally disabled and then slapping on the Cole-Lock. Swags was nice enough to put the knee to JL’s neck, just in case he got a second wind.Â
3) I think this will far and away be the most entertaining match on the WM show. I’m not even sure they needed Autin’s involvement, but he had to fit somewhere. And we will need a piledriver
WHERE DOES HYATTE STAND
After years of petty jealousy and a phone call out of the blue where he was denied to the point of cutting his throat, my good friend Chris Hyatte reached out. Hi-Rate and I have been in regular contact again, via phone…he always has an opinion and I thought I would include a few….
Where Does Hyatte Stand On:
Jerry “The King Lawler”?
“He gets older and the girls are the same age. This has to be rape. He has the face of a snare drum…”
Just a brief interlude with Our Man Hyatte. Stay tuned for more
PUNKÂ / ORTON
1) Orton has a sweet ride and a new wife. Not “new” in the sense of a real wife, but a new chick to over / under act as needed.
2) The match was Orton / Rey, serving as a backdrop to the nefarious CM Punk fooling around with a wrench by the bus. Why, when Punk was RIGHT THERE and Orton was incapacipated did O’s wife not open the door straight on Punk’s head, knokcing him out, is because of hydraulics, obviously.
3) Punk needs to end up with O’s old lady
Will be another PAGE SIX
1) This week, from the archives is:
WWF EXCESS 1.26.02 – FLEA and GRUT, Volume 1
2) These were some of my favorites as Excess was not a very good show and it took effort to liven things up. Everyone love GRUT
3) Because of possible formatting issues, GRUT will be in bold. Nah, fuck that, the italiacs should translate, if not, we have an issue
Good Evening and Welcome to EXCESS! Tonight I have my own special guest and that would be the Award Winning columnist, my favorite and yoursâ€¦..Joshua Grut!!!!! Or is it Grutman, now?
Either way. Call me Grutman, call me Grut, call me asswipe, just donâ€™t call me late for dinner!
Asswipe is so below meâ€¦.Iâ€™ll stick with Grutâ€¦.thanks for joining me!
Your hosts this evening are Jonathan â€œCoachâ€ Coachman and Terri. Coach is decked out in one of those Tiger Woods hats and also sports a pair of glasses. Terriâ€™s got a cute little perm. Terri starts off by singing â€œHead Gamesâ€ by Foreigner proving that perms = 80â€™s flashbacks. Coach decides to move right along and get things started.
DDP is the guest tonight. Terri likes that idea, Coach too.
I hate this idea. I hate you, Flea!
As well you should. Iâ€™m German / Italian. Should make you quiver in your boots. OY VEY!
Proving that they DO know the meaning of continuity, Terri still complains that â€œshe still canâ€™t figure out what to do with her handsâ€. For those of you new to this show, thatâ€™s been a running gag for a couple of weeks. She even accuses Coach of staying up late â€œthink of ways that I could use my handsâ€. Coach does not disagree with this.
Talk turns to the Rumble and Kane throwing Big Show over and out. This leads to â€œmutual respectâ€ and video of the tag match from Smackdown â€“ Duds vs. Show and Kane. Show fucks up AGAIN and gets some lip from Kane. Coach lets us know that Kane and Show will fight it out. Fine with me, although Iâ€™m sure you will hear a few complaints here and thereâ€¦
I think he wanted me to complain. I donâ€™t care. Let them do whatever they want. How the hell is anyoneâ€™s complaining about one match before it happens going to stop it?
Very good point. I think we all know your opinions of the â€œSmarkâ€ crowd.
Speaking of big man matches – From the Vault tonight will be Andre vs. Studd from WM 1. 15 grand for a body slam!
TIME FOR 8 DEGREES OF GRYDER FAKIN!
At Wrestlemania 14, Stone Cold fought Shawn Michaelsâ€¦
The special guest enforcer for that match was Mike Tysonâ€¦
It is rumored that Mike Tyson bit Lenox Lewis at a recent press conferenceâ€¦
Lenox Lewis was in the movie Oceanâ€™s 11 with Brad Pittâ€¦
Brad Pitt is married to Jennifer Anistonâ€¦
Jennifer Aniston appears on the hit show Friends on NBCâ€¦
NBC also showed the cooking show Emeril, about a cook who made foodâ€¦
You know who loves to eat food? Bob Ryder!
I donâ€™t give a fuck about your award but that does not give you â€œCarte Blancheâ€ to infringe on my gimmick.
Welcome back! We talk about Edge a little then slide into the RVD / Regal squash where Edge defies authority, sneaks in and kicks Regalâ€™s ass.
Edge is such a woman.
What? Do you mean a conniving backstabber? With that attitude, how do you get laid?
We go from that to a still-pic recap of the Rumble and discussion of what a Bad Ass Undertaker is. If form some reason who have not seen, heard or read what happened, Maven eliminates UT and then gets his ass beat. Coach and Terri both agree that Maven got a raw deal:
Terri â€“ â€œUT was already eliminated, therefore, he could not eliminate Maven, so Maven was never really eliminatedâ€
Now, how can you guys argue with Terri?
I can argue with Terri:
Grut â€“ â€œYou dumb slut, Maven was eliminated. No, he was. SHUTUPAYOUFACE!â€
We hear again that DDP is the guest and LOOKOUT itâ€™s a backstage skit!
DDP tries to give a peptalk to some chick backstage who is celebrating her 30th birthday. Whatever he said, it worked. Love that smile!
So DDP is good now, right? Vince, just tell me who to cheer for and who to boo and Iâ€™ll do it. Hook me up Vince!
Video montage of the history of the Rumble. HHH wins the latest version and put the badmouth to Some Other Guy at RAW the next night.
Some Other Guy being Chris Jericho you dick! â€œOooh, Iâ€™m so different from everybody else because I hate Chris Jericho! Hyatte loved me! Widro loves me! Widro hates you. You, Grut! You are no longer Widroâ€™s favorite. You have fallen out of his favor. Now it is I who bathes in Widroâ€™s juices while you must lick up the remnants which drip off of me and fall to the floor! Lick, puppy dog Grut! LICK!â€ Flea, youâ€™re a jerk.
You know, for someone that won an award, you sure are insecure.
On to Smackdown and we had a mini tournament for the #1 contenders match. Booker vs. Austin and then Rock vs. Angle. We see the Booker / Austin match first. Strong stuff. Austin wins to advance. Coach promises that the Rock / Angle match will be available for your perusal later in the show.
DDP is coming up and Terri has high hopes for her hands!
Welcome back and welcome DDP! Heâ€™s is HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!
Terri compliments DDP on his pep talk and asks for his help when she turns 30â€¦.
Terri is old. Very old. Terri is like the forty five year old woman who still gets all whored up and goes to the college bar to try to pick up the young boys. She disgusts me and should be ashamed to be seen like that on television in front of her child. And the way that she insults Dakotaâ€™s fatherâ€¦ Terri Runnels? More like Terri RUINSherdaughterâ€™schildhoodels.
You should probably hook up with that woman and learn something. Girls in their 20â€™s recoil in disgust when youâ€¦..you know what? Find out from experience, I ainâ€™t the fucking Love Doctor.
The whole set including Coach and DDP crack up..assholes.
DDP gives a rundown of his current situation and still manages to stay positive. He promises more of him in the future.
I think DDP knew what I what wanted for my birthday this year. More of him. Just more and more DDP until my belly fills.
You can probably hire him to strip for you if he gives you that much of a hard-on.
Terri busts his balls by showing WM 6 and DDP as the limo driver For Honky and Greg Valentine. Ha ha ha! DDPâ€™s got no defense except he loves the business. At this point he drops all kayfabe and just talks to usâ€¦
A little career retrospection. Good stuff. I have always liked Page just for the fact that he puts in more effort than 99% of the guys out there. Iâ€™m still not sure why he is getting squashed all the time, though.
Hmmm. Why would they be squashing DDP? Maybe because the crowd doesnâ€™t care about him? You ever think of that Flea? Hey, Flea, you say you like having sex with goats? You think that your penis is super small? You think that Iâ€™m a better writer than you and my readership has far outgrown yours and this is a little ploy to get a better hit count? If you agree with everything Iâ€™ve just said, let the next word you write be Terri.
Terri wants DDP to solve the whole â€œhand placementâ€ thing. DDPâ€™s answer? FOAM RUBBER RVD THUMBS. Place them over your hands and point to yourself!â€¦.gotta get me some of them, me thinks.
I think it only fair that I admit that Flea sent this to me after he wrote it. Still, I think heâ€™d agree with me.
Control is a wonderful thing. It is my column after all. Only a dunce would let someone write shit withoutâ€¦.oh wait! I did the news for you one AS YOU without your proofreading. Case closed.
From the Vault quickee â€“ DDP wins the WCW title. Dedication is the secret to his success. More career talk and advice form DDP. Damn this guy never shuts up!
Terri goes to the email bag. Some one brings up the topic of his teeth and here we goâ€¦.ramble ramble rambleâ€¦.The talk of what he had to go through with his teeth makes me sick so I am skipping it.
DDP: Getting my teeth bleached was the worst thing Iâ€™ve ever done to myself.
Terri: Why, does your ass burn now every time you take a dump?
DDP: No. Why would my ass burn from getting my teeth bleached?
Terri: Well, I went to the dentist the other day, and now my ass burns every time I take a crap.
DDP: Terri, did you ass screw your dentist?
Terri: How dare you judge me?
Moving right along, DDP says that the whole â€œgood thingâ€ is a â€œshootâ€ and how he really lives his life. Kimberly is mentioned and he gives mad props to his wife. This slides into a sweet couple of stories about sick kids and how you should not take life for granted. Itâ€™s ALL positive!
Anybody who badmouths this guy can go straight to hell and enjoy a nice big glass of shut the fuck up.
Although, this would make a perfect â€œheelâ€ gimmick because itâ€™s so fucking annoying. See you in hell, I guess.
But first itâ€™s a Goldust promoâ€¦..goooooollllllllldddduuuuuuussssstttâ€¦â€¦.BITE!
Damn, that still creeps me out.
Flea is creeped out by Goldust. Heâ€™s a bigger woman then Edge. Nah, Edge is a much bigger woman the Flea. Edge is doing the Ken Shamrock thing right now and itâ€™s so not working. Ken Shamrock was great doing the snapping and attacking refs thing. His feud with The Rock was excellent.
I agree. Now, if you had thought about what you were saying right there, you would have put across a very good point. But you half assed it. Award Winning Prima Donna!
We return and itâ€™s a video mintage of Vine and his subsequent breakdown. Long story short â€“ N.W.O.
Vince is a pretty good actor, donâ€™t you agree? I mean, those fucks on ER or Fraiser always win the Emmy. I say nominate Vince.
The Nominees for best actor are
The Bald Guy from Rollerjam
Those Fucks on ER or Fraiser
And the winner isâ€¦
THOSE FUCKS ON ER OR FRAISER. Here to accept the award is David Hyde Pierce.
Wow, I mean wow. We are all such an honored bunch of fucks.
Coming Up – From the Vault – Some very big men and a whole lotta money.
Review of Perfect and Val Venis giving Austin a hard timeâ€¦. It donâ€™t work.
Video of RAW and Austin gives us a Hillbilly story. Letâ€™s move along. Austin still rules but I just ainâ€™t into hearing this shit again.
Going into the break, Terri gives Coach some shit about having to dance at the request of the Rock. Coach sulks but we WILL see the video! Thanks Terri!
We come back and we go to clips of HHH and Stephanie. Love on the rocks folks. Look for Steph to hook up with Some Other Guy in the next couple of weeks.
Flea, the most trusted news source ever in the world of wrestling.
Iâ€™ll take that as a compliment.
Terri wants nothing to do with Stephanie. Thinks sheâ€™s a bitch as a matter of fact. Coach does not disagree.
Up next â€“ From the Vault
From the Vault â€“ Wrestlemania I – Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd.
Stip here was this. 15 grand vs. Andreâ€™s career based on who slams who. Definitely not a technical classic but it will (or should ) make you appreciate how talented that Kane and Show are for their size. Talk about methodical and plodding, thatâ€™s Andre. Studd tries a slam, but he is no Hogan. Andre eventually gets the slam and dishes on the 15k to the crowd. Heenen ends up stealing the dough. Ehâ€¦.Wrestlemania I is only good for historical reference I think.
This match is one of the best Iâ€™ve ever seen. The psychology just blew me away. When Andre threw the money to the crowd, a single tear rolled down my cheek. If John Studd is dead like I think he is, then I know that they are having the same match up in Heaven right now, and Jesus is going nuts. â€œTHROW ME THE MONEY, ANDRE!â€
Proof positive that â€œJews for Jesusâ€ ainâ€™t just a myth
One thing you do appreciate here is Gorilla and Jesseâ€™s commentating. NO ONE is better.
Except Tazz and Cole. T and C! Oh, C And T. CAT! They are the CAT of the wrestling world. Sometimes Lawler reaches over in the middle of the night for Cole And Tazz and begins to sob when he realizes theyâ€™re not there.
By the way, before either game starts, weâ€™ll see a New England-Philidelphia Superbowl and a Tom Brady MVP performance to lead the Patriots to the championship. I donâ€™t usually commentate on football, but this isnâ€™t my column anyway.
Well, Brady got his leg fucked up so it looks like Bledsoe from here on out. But how could YOU have knowN that?
Grutâ€¦the most trusted news source EVER in the world of football.
Terri knew that Andre would win. Because I love her I will not comment on how stupid that statement was.
Up next â€“ Coach dances the Charleston. Just put some whiteface on him too, why donâ€™t ya?
Come on Flea! The Rock made Coach do it. You canâ€™t get racist with black on blackâ€¦forced dancing. Oh, Flea hasnâ€™t said shit or fuck in about eight lines or so, but I just did so you can relax.
Thanks for helping me out, you fuck shitter.
We return and before we get to see Coach make an ass of himself, we review the Rock vs. Angle match. Some Other Guy adds some bitcin commentary. UT clobbers the Rock for no reason other than to start a feud. Wait! Thatâ€™s a good a reason as any, right?
Angle then proceeds to beat up Austin â€“ big match on RAWâ€¦Be there!
Call Mr. Plow, thatâ€™s my name
That name again is Mr. Plow.
You know what burns fat faster then Stacker 2? Stacker 3! And fire.
We come back and Terri is busting Coachâ€™s balls for his little dance on Smackdown. Coach gets all closed mouthed as POSES. His body language just SCREAMS â€œBrother ainâ€™t even trying to play thisâ€, but Terri doesnâ€™t care. Hereâ€™s the videoâ€¦
Coach gets down but Rock cuts him off with a stiff boot to the assâ€¦Terri laughs and laughs and laughs. Coach donâ€™t say NOTHIN!
That should say Nuthinâ€™. Well, I had some fun. It was nice of Flea to let me write in his little non award winning column here. I gotta admit I I didnâ€™t actually see Excess, but what the hell do you care? Did you watch Excess? NO!
You see them little red lines that appear when you type â€œnuthinâ€. That means it ainâ€™t a word.
And of course I watched EXCESS, silly goose. I canâ€™t make shit up like this! Only Award Winning columnists have imagination and talent.
Preview of RAW and all the goodies next week. HEY! Sgt. Slaughter is the guest on next weeks EXCESS! Damn, if that donâ€™t make you watch. What will?
IF THE IRON SHEIK WADDLES OUT! Actually, I bet Sarge has a lot of stuff to talk about. Iâ€™d love to see someone grill him about the Iraq thing. See if he has any ties to Osama. Come on Sarge! Letâ€™s do the tasteless Wrestlemania main event one more time!
Maybe Iâ€™ll let you come back next week. You will just have to wait and see.
On that note, Terri and Coach say goodbye. Terri wants to square dance but Coach just ainâ€™t in the mood to play Cowboy this week. For shame. Talk about a ho-down, itâ€™s Terri, dude!
And that wraps it upâ€¦.
Cept for this -
Letting the tape run I get the pleasure of seeing Chyna as she hosts the Robot Wars show. Chyna by herself ainâ€™t to bad to look at sometimes, but I just watched 2 hours of Terriâ€¦.. Chynaâ€¦ugh.
Thanks to Grut for joining me and be sure to read his stuff next week. He is an Award Winner, you know.
Thanks for Reading, I’m FLEA
Tags: Dolph Ziggler, HHH, jack swagger, Jerry Lawler, john cena, John Morrison, Laycool, Michael Cole, Raw, saturday evening post, The Miz, The Rock, Trish Stratus, Vickie Guerrero, wrestlemania XXVII, WWE