JunkNewsFlash! Vince Russo Infuriated By CM Punk Promo
by GRUT on June 28, 2011

After Monday night’s scalding CM Punk promo in which he insulted Vince McMahon, the USA Network, Triple H, Stephanie McMahon and WWE official John Laurinaitis the Twitterverse and Internet Wrestling Community erupted with praise for the promo and the angle. Debate began over whether the comments were real or false and wrestling legends from Stone Cold Steve Austin to Mick Foley took the time to compliment CM Punk. The general consensus is that the main event at the Money in the Bank PPV is now one of the biggest matches the WWE has had in the past 10 years, and the angle is the most compelling since the original debut of the Nexus.

“This is bullshit,” a clearly angry Vince Russo said while pacing around his one bedroom apartment. “Everyone is getting all excited over an obvious worked shoot? What the hell? That is ALL WE DO at TNA!”

Vince Russo picked up a glass half-filled with whiskey and flung it against the wall. “Damn it,” he screamed, gnashing his teeth. “We had Kurt Angle fighting for the custody of his actual children against the guy who recruited him to the company and then married his wife! And what did people tweet about it? ‘This sucks.’ ‘Vince Russo should be fired.’ ‘I can’t believe they’d involve someone’s real kids in a wrestling angle.’ This was BETTER than CM Punk’s little whinefest and realer and more shooty and people didn’t care!”

Vince Russo turned his bed back into a couch and sat down, shaking his head in disbelief. “On the upcoming episode of Impact Sting is going to work shoot on Hogan like 15 times. We have worked shoots in pretty much every segment. Why aren’t people watching us? If this is what they want to see, then why aren’t they coming to the worked shoot capital of the world? We have the Pope and America’s Most Wanted complaining about how they’re not used properly, we had The Main Event Mafia bitching about the lack of respect in the locker room today, we had the owner of our company being called a bitch by Eric Bischoff! We have everyone in every angle in every segment talking about how much better a show it could be, and still these fans who love CM Punk pay us no mind.”

Vince Russo gave a queer look as though he had an idea. “Wait a second,” Russo said, absentmindedly playing with a disgusting old Chinese food container. “Oh my God, my sweet Jesus all things done in your name praise Christ, I think I know what we’re doing wrong. We’re not doing ENOUGH worked shoots!”

Russo grabbed his 6 year old laptop and opened Word 2002, waiting patiently for it to load. He then wrote down several ideas, saying each one aloud for some reason. “Jesse Neal cuts a promo about how we pay some of the wrestlers so little that they need food stamps to survive, but that pisses off Dixie Carter so she increases his pay to just over the poverty line so the government takes his food stamps away! We have Samoa Joe come out and say how he could have been the next Stone Cold but we pissed away the best years of his career pushing stale former WWE and WCW wrestlers! Have Matt Hardy come out and say whatever he wants for 10 minutes!”

Russo signed on to AOL and proclaimed as he dial up modem whirled and clicked, “Look out Twitter! Here we come!”

We’ll have more on this story as we get more information.



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GRUT

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  • Rick

    Jesse is not on food stamps. His girlfriend is.

  • Mac Ryder

    I really could see Russo doing all of this. WWWYKI.

  • handleman20

    Was the Chinese food Russo was eating made of DOGAPEANDMAN?!?!?!

  • CB

    Another instant classic from GRUT! :-)

  • James Alsop

    This is brilliant. How I’ve missed Junk News!

  • Jaime

    Bring back HHH: The Comic.

  • JasonP

    This is not Hyatte. But this is good. Where is Flea? Why do I remember this stuff?

  • incognito

    Okay, this was actually funny.

  • Zork

    Hey, it’s that guy that showed up randomly a few months ago then disappeared, and now he’s come back!

  • Penny Sautereau-Fife

    The saddest thing about this comedy article is that every word of it probably happened verbatim in Russo’s office last night. Well, except the praising Jeebus part. We all know he only plays Born-Again Windbag if cameras are on him.

  • Brad Curran

    Bravo sir.

  • Jamal

    I usually shit on GRUT and think he’s very unfunny, but this one was the best thing I’ve read on insidepulse legitimately within the past year. The description of Vince pacing around and shit was a crystal clear image in my head. hilarious shit.

  • http://pulsewrestling.com Matthew Michaels

    MATT BENTLEY RETURNS ON TNA AND GRUT TALKS ABOUT SOME GUY NAMED CM PUNK? WHAT A JOKE!

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