For Your Considerationâ€¦The RAW Judicial Review for 8/1/11
Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, sick of the heat but not willing to recycle column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. Iâ€™m your host Andrew Wheeler, and I am one of the few people in the world who does not currently hold the WWE Title.
This weekâ€™s RAW should (I say this before the start of the actual show) clear up the title picture by setting up a Punk/Cena main event at Summerslam, courtesy of Triple â€œI do what the fans want so that theyâ€™ll love meâ€¦love meâ€ H. Tonightâ€™s show should also let us know what perennial also-rans like The Miz, Alex Riley, Rey Mysterio, JBLatino and Kurt SwAngle will be doing in a few weeks. Oh, and thereâ€™s a Divas Battle Royalâ€¦soâ€¦yeah.
The RAW Judicial Review for 8/1/11
â€œYessir we promised you a great main event tonight.â€
We open with a video package detailing the CM Punk storyline. I guess weâ€™re finally allowed to see that footage. In case you didnâ€™t hear, CM Punk won the title and then became the Harry Potter villain because he was no longer allowed to be mentioned on television. Then he came back with a real theme song.
Thereâ€™s (mistimed) pyro and ballyhoo that Iâ€™m sure theyâ€™ll blame on Jim Ross. Sadly we open with Michael Coleâ€™s voice.
Here comes CM Punk, complete with his â€œrealâ€ theme song. Thereâ€™s Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JIM ROSS on commentary tonight as CM Punk parades around the ring with his WWE Title.
Punk is in the ring and he has a microphone. He says that the champ is here, which is gimmick infringement. Or maybe heâ€™s doing ring introductions for John Cena. Punk takes the traditional Tatanka-style position to say the gospel.
CM Punk loves the place he works but hates the people he works for. He spoke his mind and he caused some change. He also led to the domino effect coming intoâ€¦wellâ€¦effect as Vince was fired because of him. We can feel it coming in the air tonight.
Punk promises to make RAW fun again, because I canâ€™t do it all on myself. His voice needs to be heard by the voiceless, the WWE Universe. Punk canâ€™t do it at Comic-Con or Jimmy Kimmel but he can do it in a WWE ring. He points out that when he left, the status quo returned and John Cena was the WWE Champion once again.
CM Punk says Cena is as much a champion as the guy who ordered his belt online. Punk says that he holds the most important title in the world, Nathanâ€™s Hot Dog Eating Contest Winner. Heâ€™s also the WWE Champion.
This brings out Triple H, who manages to still look like a Neanderthal despite the suit. Punk says that HHH is the COO. Hunter says heâ€™ll come out to explain why he re-signed Punk. It was good for business, like bringing back Jim Ross and John Slo-Mo-Rrison.
Punk wants to know Hunterâ€™s personal feelings, and Triple H says heâ€™s a smug, overrated, attention-seeking (itâ€™s at this point that the fans turn on him) guy who puts too much stock on his own hype.
Punk says Hunter is smug and overrated. He wants Hunter to say that he hates his guts because this is a world that Vince built. Vince let main event level guys like Batista, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho and Brock slip through the cracks. Hunter couldnâ€™t afford to see Punk go anywhere else.
Hunter tells Punk to tell the truth as to why he re-signed. He did it for himself because without the microphone, he meant nothing. Punk likes facts, like the fact that heâ€™s the WWE Champion. He wonâ€™t be a TV-PG guy and then does the old school Triple H bow. Punk talks about Hunter hogging the spotlight for years. He asks how many guys Hunterâ€™s buried while in bed with Stephanie. He says that no matter what heâ€™s dressed like, Triple H is a bully.
Triple H says he has a massive ego but he wonâ€™t break the rules for the fans. He strongly suggests that Punk doesnâ€™t break the rules either. Punk asks if heâ€™s gonna fight him or does he have to ask his wife permission first. He then yells â€œMic bombâ€ and throws the microphone.
Rey Mysterio is in the back and John Slo-Mo-Rrison is doing I Canâ€™t Believe Itâ€™s Not Butter next to him.
Randy Orton appears on a familyâ€™s kitchen table on a K-Mart commercial. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get baby oil off of a wood table?
Tramp Stamp Title Diva Battle Royal
There is a lot of fake hair and plastic moving around the ring. Melina and Gail Kim get dumped early. Rosa is third and Kaitlyn is fourth. I get distracted by my lack of a desire to live and when I look up itâ€™s The Bella Twins, Eve, Alicia Fox & Beth Phoenix as we fade toâ€¦
Weâ€™re back and all five survived the commercial break. Alicia Fox is eliminated as soon as they come back. Eve is kicked out next by one of the Bella Twins. Beth Phoenix lifts up both Bella Twins and dumps them to win the battle royal.
As soon as Beth won, she attacked Kelly Kelly, thought not as badly as Randy Orton did to her.
The Miz and Resurrection Truth are in the back. Truth says that theyâ€™re the same because they both hate Triple H. Truth says that Miz is now a victim of a conspiracy. Hey, they both also had to carry John Morrison as a tag partner.
Josh Matthews is in the back with John Cena. Cena says that Punk isnâ€™t afraid to speak his mind, but his focus is on Triple Hâ€™s decision. This isnâ€™t Sophieâ€™s Choice.
Resurrection-Truth & The Miz v. Rey Mysterio & John Slo-Mo-Rrison
The heels enter as we fade toâ€¦
Weâ€™re back with that guy in the mask who had the WWE Title for an hour and a half longer than the other guy in the mask.
Morrison and Miz start out and John gets the upper hand at the start but is distracted by Truth and gets clotheslined down. John comes back with by SWEEPING THE LEG and Rey hits a seated senton for two. Rey dropkicks him to the outside and takes out Truth with a senton on the outside. Morrison hits a corkscrew on Miz as we fade toâ€¦
Rey is trapped in a rest hold as we come back from break. Truth then puts on a second rest hold. Exciting stuff. Miz gets tagged in and he kicks Reyâ€™s head off. Rey fights back and we get the slow crawl but Miz cuts him off with a DDT for two.
Truth is tagged back in and he goes for ANOTHER rest hold. Rey breaks free but gets caught with the spinning corkscrew elbow for two. Miz gets tagged in to stop Rey from once again making the hot tag. He hits the running clothesine in the corner. Miz goes to the top rope but gets dropkicked in midair.
Morrison gets tagged in and hits a standing Spanish Fly for two on Truth. John goes for Starship Pain but Miz moves Truth. Rey takes out Miz and Morrison hits a kick that puts Truth in the 619 position. Miz catches Rey and tosses him out of the ring and into the crowd. Morrison takes out Miz but gets caught with a lie detector for the pin.
After the match, Miz and Truth attack Morrison with a bottle of water.
Josh Matthews and Triple H are in the back. Hunter says that heâ€™s been in the business for 20 years and people have made fun of his wife before. Oh, and Cena should keep things professional.
This weekâ€™s SummerSlam Recall â€“ Ultimate Warrior winning the Intercontinental Title.
Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero come out dressed in all black. Vickie talks about the controversy of two WWE Champions, but thereâ€™s one United States Champion. Dolph says his â€œfollow thatâ€ deal from last week means that no one will have his skills, techniques, talents and charisma. Heâ€™s more of a man than anyone, which brings outâ€¦
Alex Riley. Oh yeah, I forgot about him. For some reason heâ€™s dressed like Vince McMahon. Riley says that Dolph hasnâ€™t done anything on his own, like how Miz hid behind Alex. He says if Dolph were a real man, heâ€™d drop Vickieâ€¦figuratively. Dolph and Vickie bail as nine people in the crowd boo.
The tag champions will face Santino and Zack Ryderâ€¦next.
PuNexus v. Santino Marella & Zack Ryder
Santino and Slightly Perfect start out and Marella gets dropped. Otunga is tagged in and they do some double-team clothesline deal. Santino breaks free and tags in Zack Ryder, who hits double knees on SP and hits a Woo Woo Woo kick on SP. The tag champs take out Santino and block the Rough Ryder. SP tags in Otunga who comes off the ropes and hits a flying knee for the pin.
We get highlights of the Triple H promo from earlier tonight.
CM Punk is in the back with Josh Matthews. He says heâ€™ll hear what Hunter has to say later tonight. Riveting.
Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo â€œButt-Eyesâ€ Rodriguez & a briefcase â€¦.
His opponent will be revealed after aâ€¦
Alberto Del Rio v. Evan Bourne
Evan starts out with a hurricarana but gets kicked in the face. Del Rio kicks him in the head for two. He dropkicks Evanâ€™s back and grabs an armbar. Del Rio hits a backbreaker on Bourne for two. Alberto goes for a suplex but Evan breaks free and comes back with Token Offense. He goes for AirBourne but gets caught with an enziguri off the top rope and Del Rio gets the Cross Arm-Breaker for the win.
After the match, Del Rio locks in his submission hold again to send a message. That message? Someoneâ€™s gonna run out. Sure enough, Kofi makes the save.
Triple H is heading to the ring but runs into aâ€¦
Weâ€™re back and here comes Triple H. He says that both guys have legit claims to the title, but this brings out Johnny Ace. Who let him out of his cage? He points out that he took the job over from Jim Ross. He says that John Cena should be stripped of the title.
Cena says that Johnny Ace is a â€œYes Manâ€ and then mentions the Dynamic Dudes. He talks about how much he liked punching Ace in the face. Hunter says that Cenaâ€™s claim to the title is legitimate. Triple H sent Punk a new contract but didnâ€™t hear from him until last week.
Punk comes out and asks if heâ€™s going to be stripped of the title. Hunter says that Cena canâ€™t call him â€œHunterâ€ because heâ€™s the boss. I thought Mona was the boss. At SummerSlam itâ€™ll be Cena/Punk for the WWE Title. That was your big reveal.
Cena and Punk face off and we have dueling belt poses. This goes on forever and is pretty damn stupid.
This has been for your consideration.