For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/1/11
by Andy Wheeler on August 1, 2011

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 8/1/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, sick of the heat but not willing to recycle column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and I am one of the few people in the world who does not currently hold the WWE Title.

This week’s RAW should (I say this before the start of the actual show) clear up the title picture by setting up a Punk/Cena main event at Summerslam, courtesy of Triple “I do what the fans want so that they’ll love me…love me” H. Tonight’s show should also let us know what perennial also-rans like The Miz, Alex Riley, Rey Mysterio, JBLatino and Kurt SwAngle will be doing in a few weeks. Oh, and there’s a Divas Battle Royal…so…yeah.

The RAW Judicial Review for 8/1/11

“Yessir we promised you a great main event tonight.”

We open with a video package detailing the CM Punk storyline. I guess we’re finally allowed to see that footage. In case you didn’t hear, CM Punk won the title and then became the Harry Potter villain because he was no longer allowed to be mentioned on television. Then he came back with a real theme song.

There’s (mistimed) pyro and ballyhoo that I’m sure they’ll blame on Jim Ross. Sadly we open with Michael Cole’s voice.

Here comes CM Punk, complete with his “real” theme song. There’s Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JIM ROSS on commentary tonight as CM Punk parades around the ring with his WWE Title.

Punk is in the ring and he has a microphone. He says that the champ is here, which is gimmick infringement. Or maybe he’s doing ring introductions for John Cena. Punk takes the traditional Tatanka-style position to say the gospel.

CM Punk loves the place he works but hates the people he works for. He spoke his mind and he caused some change. He also led to the domino effect coming into…well…effect as Vince was fired because of him. We can feel it coming in the air tonight.

Punk promises to make RAW fun again, because I can’t do it all on myself. His voice needs to be heard by the voiceless, the WWE Universe. Punk can’t do it at Comic-Con or Jimmy Kimmel but he can do it in a WWE ring. He points out that when he left, the status quo returned and John Cena was the WWE Champion once again.

CM Punk says Cena is as much a champion as the guy who ordered his belt online. Punk says that he holds the most important title in the world, Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Winner. He’s also the WWE Champion.

This brings out Triple H, who manages to still look like a Neanderthal despite the suit. Punk says that HHH is the COO. Hunter says he’ll come out to explain why he re-signed Punk. It was good for business, like bringing back Jim Ross and John Slo-Mo-Rrison.

Punk wants to know Hunter’s personal feelings, and Triple H says he’s a smug, overrated, attention-seeking (it’s at this point that the fans turn on him) guy who puts too much stock on his own hype.

Punk says Hunter is smug and overrated. He wants Hunter to say that he hates his guts because this is a world that Vince built. Vince let main event level guys like Batista, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho and Brock slip through the cracks. Hunter couldn’t afford to see Punk go anywhere else.

Hunter tells Punk to tell the truth as to why he re-signed. He did it for himself because without the microphone, he meant nothing. Punk likes facts, like the fact that he’s the WWE Champion. He won’t be a TV-PG guy and then does the old school Triple H bow. Punk talks about Hunter hogging the spotlight for years. He asks how many guys Hunter’s buried while in bed with Stephanie. He says that no matter what he’s dressed like, Triple H is a bully.

Triple H says he has a massive ego but he won’t break the rules for the fans. He strongly suggests that Punk doesn’t break the rules either. Punk asks if he’s gonna fight him or does he have to ask his wife permission first. He then yells “Mic bomb” and throws the microphone.

Rey Mysterio is in the back and John Slo-Mo-Rrison is doing I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter next to him.

Commercial.

Randy Orton appears on a family’s kitchen table on a K-Mart commercial. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get baby oil off of a wood table?

Tramp Stamp Title Diva Battle Royal

There is a lot of fake hair and plastic moving around the ring. Melina and Gail Kim get dumped early. Rosa is third and Kaitlyn is fourth. I get distracted by my lack of a desire to live and when I look up it’s The Bella Twins, Eve, Alicia Fox & Beth Phoenix as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and all five survived the commercial break. Alicia Fox is eliminated as soon as they come back. Eve is kicked out next by one of the Bella Twins. Beth Phoenix lifts up both Bella Twins and dumps them to win the battle royal.

As soon as Beth won, she attacked Kelly Kelly, thought not as badly as Randy Orton did to her.

The Miz and Resurrection Truth are in the back. Truth says that they’re the same because they both hate Triple H. Truth says that Miz is now a victim of a conspiracy. Hey, they both also had to carry John Morrison as a tag partner.

Commercial.

Josh Matthews is in the back with John Cena. Cena says that Punk isn’t afraid to speak his mind, but his focus is on Triple H’s decision. This isn’t Sophie’s Choice.

Resurrection-Truth & The Miz v. Rey Mysterio & John Slo-Mo-Rrison

The heels enter as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back with that guy in the mask who had the WWE Title for an hour and a half longer than the other guy in the mask.

Morrison and Miz start out and John gets the upper hand at the start but is distracted by Truth and gets clotheslined down. John comes back with by SWEEPING THE LEG and Rey hits a seated senton for two. Rey dropkicks him to the outside and takes out Truth with a senton on the outside. Morrison hits a corkscrew on Miz as we fade to…

Commercial.

Rey is trapped in a rest hold as we come back from break. Truth then puts on a second rest hold. Exciting stuff. Miz gets tagged in and he kicks Rey’s head off. Rey fights back and we get the slow crawl but Miz cuts him off with a DDT for two.

Truth is tagged back in and he goes for ANOTHER rest hold. Rey breaks free but gets caught with the spinning corkscrew elbow for two. Miz gets tagged in to stop Rey from once again making the hot tag. He hits the running clothesine in the corner. Miz goes to the top rope but gets dropkicked in midair.

Morrison gets tagged in and hits a standing Spanish Fly for two on Truth. John goes for Starship Pain but Miz moves Truth. Rey takes out Miz and Morrison hits a kick that puts Truth in the 619 position. Miz catches Rey and tosses him out of the ring and into the crowd. Morrison takes out Miz but gets caught with a lie detector for the pin.

After the match, Miz and Truth attack Morrison with a bottle of water.

Josh Matthews and Triple H are in the back. Hunter says that he’s been in the business for 20 years and people have made fun of his wife before. Oh, and Cena should keep things professional.

Commercial.

This week’s SummerSlam Recall – Ultimate Warrior winning the Intercontinental Title.

Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero come out dressed in all black. Vickie talks about the controversy of two WWE Champions, but there’s one United States Champion. Dolph says his “follow that” deal from last week means that no one will have his skills, techniques, talents and charisma. He’s more of a man than anyone, which brings out…

Alex Riley. Oh yeah, I forgot about him. For some reason he’s dressed like Vince McMahon. Riley says that Dolph hasn’t done anything on his own, like how Miz hid behind Alex. He says if Dolph were a real man, he’d drop Vickie…figuratively. Dolph and Vickie bail as nine people in the crowd boo.

The tag champions will face Santino and Zack Ryder…next.

Commercial.

PuNexus v. Santino Marella & Zack Ryder

Santino and Slightly Perfect start out and Marella gets dropped. Otunga is tagged in and they do some double-team clothesline deal. Santino breaks free and tags in Zack Ryder, who hits double knees on SP and hits a Woo Woo Woo kick on SP. The tag champs take out Santino and block the Rough Ryder. SP tags in Otunga who comes off the ropes and hits a flying knee for the pin.

Commercial.

We get highlights of the Triple H promo from earlier tonight.

CM Punk is in the back with Josh Matthews. He says he’ll hear what Hunter has to say later tonight. Riveting.

Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo “Butt-Eyes” Rodriguez & a briefcase ….

His opponent will be revealed after a…

Commercial.

Alberto Del Rio v. Evan Bourne

Evan starts out with a hurricarana but gets kicked in the face. Del Rio kicks him in the head for two. He dropkicks Evan’s back and grabs an armbar. Del Rio hits a backbreaker on Bourne for two. Alberto goes for a suplex but Evan breaks free and comes back with Token Offense. He goes for AirBourne but gets caught with an enziguri off the top rope and Del Rio gets the Cross Arm-Breaker for the win.

After the match, Del Rio locks in his submission hold again to send a message. That message? Someone’s gonna run out. Sure enough, Kofi makes the save.

Triple H is heading to the ring but runs into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes Triple H. He says that both guys have legit claims to the title, but this brings out Johnny Ace. Who let him out of his cage? He points out that he took the job over from Jim Ross. He says that John Cena should be stripped of the title.

Cena says that Johnny Ace is a “Yes Man” and then mentions the Dynamic Dudes. He talks about how much he liked punching Ace in the face. Hunter says that Cena’s claim to the title is legitimate. Triple H sent Punk a new contract but didn’t hear from him until last week.

Punk comes out and asks if he’s going to be stripped of the title. Hunter says that Cena can’t call him “Hunter” because he’s the boss. I thought Mona was the boss. At SummerSlam it’ll be Cena/Punk for the WWE Title. That was your big reveal.

Cena and Punk face off and we have dueling belt poses. This goes on forever and is pretty damn stupid.

This has been for your consideration.



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Andy Wheeler

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  • Storm

    Glad someone else thought the ending was stupid with the dueling music.

    Also stupid: Cena’s pumped in chants. He’s officially Goldberg 2.0

  • Sebastian Howard

    CM Punk woke me up from the coma Raw gave me.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Even with Punk, they sure have just banged this one out pretty quick, hey? It’s pretty much back to business as usual already.

  • John Kincaid

    Wheeler, glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks Hunter looks a little unevolved in a suit.

    Whenever I see him in one, it always makes me think back to Phil Hartman as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

  • Maha

    The duelling music was pretty stupid.
    Raw is definitely more interesting to watch these days. I wish they’d have held off Cena vs Punk, but I guess they didn’t have anything to lure the viewers into SummerSlam. However, if Cena wins clean in Summerslam, THEN its back to usual biz for me.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Maha, I suppose you’re right – even though they’ve mostly watered down the Punk storyline, it’s still better than the norm. RAW still sounds like an exercise in pain though, given that everything else on the show still sounds unbareably painful.

    Wheeler, your articles are still the highlight of my Tuesday morning. No idea how you sit through both hours of this every week. I guess TNA would be worse. Hats are off.

  • red29

    Punk actually said “pipe bomb” I thought, in reference to HHH’s comments earlier about if no one is around, does a pipe bomb make any news.

    Pretty lame regardless.

  • Greg Manuel

    I’m developing the sneaking suspicion that “Money in the Bank” was the apex of the Cena/Punk arc. Watching this all unfold left me feeling very underwhelmed, like the predictable was going to start happening all over again…

    …the one route I REALLY want to see them take with this, is have Punk beat Cena in two more high profile rematches…and Cena would then not only have a total breakdown…but he would willingly become Punk’s disciple.

    And it can’t be a scenario where Cena’s faking all along, and is just waiting for the right moment to strike…he has to give himself over to Punk WILLINGLY. So that when he finally comes around and defeats him, his character comes out of this whole thing looking INTERESTING again.

  • Noah Lipsky

    Angela was the boss, andrew. Mona was her mother. If you’re going to make the reference, at least get it right so you don’t sound dumb.

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