The SmarK RAW Rant – August 15 2011
by Scott Keith on August 16, 2011

The SmarK RAW Rant – August 15 2011

Live from San Diego, Ca.

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

COOHHH joins us to start, apologizing for inadvertently screwing John Cena over at Summerslam, and assuring us that he had nothing to do with Kevin Nash being there.  But he did text Nash and invite him to be here.  I’m surprised he didn’t say he tweeted Nash so that he could plug the Twitter feed.  And with that said, he introduces the guy who actually is the undisputed WWE champion now, Alberto Del Rio.  Hopefully that will be the end of the “follow the bouncing WWE title” silliness, but I’m not holding my breath.  Especially since there’s no nameplate on the belt yet.  Anyway, he’s great, it was his destiny, etc.  He’s a man of the people, though, and he’ll be signing autographs and taking pictures in the lobby after the show.  His insincere smarm is pretty great.  Tonight, it’s ADR v. Rey Mysterio in his first title defense, but it’s no big thing because he wakes up every morning and assures himself that he’ll beat Rey Mysterio.

Falls Count Anywhere:  R-Truth v. John Morrison

JoMo actually gets an 80s cut-in promo during his entrance!  Why did they ever stop doing that?  They slug it out to start and Truth gets a rollup, as does Morrison.  JR brings up the former partnership between them, but that only lasted a couple of weeks.  Morrison dumps him and follows with a corkscrew plancha to the floor for two.  Truth ducks a high kick, so Morrison springboards off the railin for two.  THE POWER OF PARKOUR!  Truth reverses a suplex attempt into a gourdbuster on the floor for two, and we take a break.  Back with Morrison wiping out on replay as Truth takes over with a running knee to the head for two.  Truth, getting increasingly agitated, crotches Morrison on the railing.  My wife’s assessment of Truth:  “He looks scary.”  HD does him no favors, facially, but I guess that means he’s doing his job correctly.  They fight into the crowd, and Truth gets two.  Back to ringside, where Morrison gets an enzuigiri for two, but eats STEEL steps.  Truth grabs the timekeeper’s chair for something never explored, as Morrison clotheslines and them suplexes him onto the chair and knees him to the floor for the pin at 7:12.  Fun opener, and I’m glad to see Morrison winning again.  They seem to be easing back into the more violent gimmick matches again for some reason.  ***

Meanwhile, CM Punk is here.

The Miz comes out to welcome Jared The Subway Guy to the show.  Kinda reaching for celebrities tonight.  He decides that he can be a better spokesman, and cuts a promo with Jared’s chicken sub to prove it.  And, uh, that’s it.

Meanwhile, Big Kev is in the house.

Kelly Kelly & Eve v. The Bella Twins

Given that the Divas of Doom squashed the NXT chicks on Smackdown, you’d expect this one to set up Kelly & Eve for the showdown with them.  Kelly gets caught in the twin corner and double-teamed, and one of the twins gets two.  Kelly has her own foot shoved in her face in one of those spots that only women and Jack Evans can do, but Kelly fights it off and makes the tag to Eve.  She too falls victim to the nefarious twins, but comes back with a neckbreaker and finishes with a moonsault at 3:04.  Decent enough.  *1/2  And as expected, the DIVAS OF DOOM come out for the staredown.

Kevin Nash, with no music but lots of hair dye and looking more like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler with every passing year, comes out to explain himself.  He was there watching, and got a text from COOHHH, who asked him to punk out the winner of the match.  Nothing personal.  CM Punk of course comes out to offer a rebuttal, accusing Nash of not actually knowing what’s good business.  I don’t know if that’s a “shoot comment that’s not supposed to be a shoot comment” thing, but I like it.  Punk thinks that perhaps Nash is the liar, so Kev offers to show Punk the text from COOHHH.  Punk reads a text from his little sister:  “OMG Kevin Nash, thought he was dead, LOL.”  Punk clarifies:  Nash isn’t dead, just his career.  Big “ooooh” from the crowd on that one.  Punk thinks that maybe COOHHH is just bringing in his cronies now that he’s in power.  He even references Nash calling Eddie Guerrero a “vanilla midget”, but Nash says Punk should shut his mouth and thank him for introducing guaranteed money to the business.  And Punk should also take a shower, and hit the weights.  Punk has had enough of the snarky comments and wants a fight, but Nash has security.  Great promo, but it was REALLY insider and the match is gonna suck.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is looking for COOHHH, but Executive Vice President of Talent Relations Johnny Ace runs interference and wants a word instead.

Alex Riley v. Jack Swagger

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie are bickering on commentary for this, which can’t possibly be worse than Michael Cole.  I hope.  Swagger stomps a mudhole in the corner, but Riley fires back and puts him down with a lariat.  Swagger goes after the knee and follows with a pump splash for two.  Swagger pounds away while the commentary gets increasingly uncomfortable with Dolph and Vickie.  Riley comes back with a spinebuster and STO for two, while Vickie steals JR’s hat for some reason.  She distracts the ref while Riley gets the visual pinfall on Swagger, but Swagger uses the distraction to get the world’s worst powerbomb for the pin at 4:33, after THREE aborted attempts.  This was pretty brutal, with the melodrama on commentary completely sucking the life out of the match, and the completely botched finish ruining the match as well.  ½*  Move on.

Meanwhile, Jack Swagger offers advice to Vickie about managing other people.

Meanwhile, Stephanie McMahon makes an unwelcome return to my screen, promising CM Punk that everyone will eventually get what they deserve.

David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty v. Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston

Are these two seriously still the tag team champions?  Was there literally no one else on the roster who could have won them by now?  Bourne and Kofi get a cool double-team on MM, but Bourne gets caught in the Not-Nexus corner and worked over while Lawler complains about how boring the champions are.  Otunga gets a clothesline for two.  Is it me, or is it incredibly weird that they’d just drop the Nexus thing entirely while 2 members were tag champions?   When do you ever see champions suddenly getting repackaged like that?  Chinlock from Michael as the commentary goes off the rails completely, and Kofi gets the hot tag.  Flying clothesline gets two while Ross mocks Cole (“Vintage save from Otunga!”) and Bourne finishes with the Shooting Star at 4:42.  You’d think someone would have put Bourne and Kingston together ages ago.  This was dull stuff, made worse by the commentary.  *

WWE Title:  Alberto Del Rio v. Rey Mysterio

Rey takes ADR down for a seated dropkick that gets two, but Del Rio kicks him in the leg to take over right away.  Rey gets a flying headscissor, but Del Rio bails to escape a 619, and we take a break.  Back with ADR holding a bodyscissors on the mat, but Rey dropkicks him into the corner.  They fight to the top, where Rey gets the most overblown tornado DDT I’ve seen in years, and a bodypress gets two.  Rollup gets two.  ADR punts him down again and goes back to the bodyscissors on the mat.  Rey fights out, so Del Rio charges and hits the floor as a result.  Rey follows with a quebrada for the double KO spot on the floor, and they head back in.  Rey with the senton and he goes for the finish, but ADR clotheslines him to block the 619 for two.  Rey fights back, but walks into a backbreaker for two.  Alberto slugs away on the mat and throws kicks in the corner, then puts him on top and hits an amazing top rope enzuigiri for two.  That’s a cool spot.  He goes for the armbar, but Rey counters to a rollup for two.  Another armbar is reversed into the 619 this time and Rey goes up to finish, but the splash hits knee and ADR gets the pin at 9:58 to retain.  Took a while to get going, but the finishing sequence was really good.  Surprised no one has thought of doing that before, in fact.  ***  ADR lays the beatdown on Rey afterwards and adds the armbar, but SuperCena makes the save as my DVR cuts out.  Even my cable box is bored of Cena.  Funny how we go through all that, and Cena is once again back chasing the title despite losing title matches to Punk twice.  Dana White would totally make him coach a season of Ultimate Fighter and earn another title shot.

The Pulse

Pretty good show to kick off the return of my reviewing career, although the second hour kind of dragged for me, but I like that they’re gonna hopefully take their time with the Nash/Punk/COOHHH stuff instead of shooting 400 angles in one show.   We’ve already got some direction for Night of Champions, with Generic Cena Feud #20184 and Nash v. Punk looking like the top matches, so there’s that too.  But who would want to pay money for either of those matches?  And  I don’t know why they’ve got such a hard-on for Cena v. Del Rio, since they’ve been trying to get there FOREVER for some reason, but all of you who have been waiting anxiously will now apparently have your wish.

Next week:  RAW is live in Edmonton, Alberta!  I will not be there this time, although I will be attending the house show here in Saskatoon on Saturday and providing a report on that.  I’m in section Z, row 6 if anyone feels like coming by to say hi.

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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW - 01.22.96

Scott Keith

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  • James Alsop

    I’m calling it now – it was Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, with Triple H’s phone, in the locker room. Next question?

  • Pingback: The SmarK RAW Rant – August 15 2011 - Inside Pulse - Parkour PAC()

  • CB

    When was the last time we had three Raw recaps up live on a Monday night? WWE must be doing something right.

    I also like the patient approach to the Punk vs. Kliq/Corporation saga, after all, the summer of Punk still has another solid month to go. Plus they have to be setting up a new Punk stable being formulated to counter all this hubbub.

  • DC

    Not to nitpick, since I am a big fan of yours Scott, but I don’t think Nash explicitally came out and said that HHH texted him to “take out the winner”, he just said it was a “friend”. I’m seriously intrigued though, and you’re right, the slow burn for this angle is a welcome change of pace.

  • The Fuj

    This was awful! Should have stayed retired Scott Keith! Are you still fat?

  • Blair A. Douglas

    THE FUJ IS BACK!!!! I missed you, man.

    Anyway, his review is right on. This show needed more Henry / Shaemus. That’s the money feud in WWE right now. If RAW is in Edmonton, I would attend, as that’s a few hours from me, but without Shaemus / Henry and their axe-handles, for me the show has no draw.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Oh, and it’s funny how we get commenters we’ve never had before only when people dislike a column. Take from that what you will. Same thing happened to me when I was doing TNA.

    Keith, welcome back. A warning though, we have a lot more trolls on here than we used to.

  • The Truth

    That’s not really Tommy Hall. The real Tommy Hall actually writes for Scott’s site. The douche impersonating him went by the tag Elvylandia on Scott’s board until he got banned for making up multiple accounts so someone would finally agree with him on something. His revenge was to use the names of posters on Scott’s board to promote TNA, because apparently that qualifies as revenge.

    Best IMPACT EVAR!!! Right, Elvy, you sad little man?

  • CB

    THEFUJ <— I almost marked out for you! ;)

  • The TPrincess Comdukakis

    Times must be tough when they have to dig up Scott keith from the ashes to write?

    Need more depth. I give this review a mild recommendation.

  • Andrew Barbarash

    I love Scott Keith and I am happy he is back on the best site ever, insidepulse. Scott Kieth, you are my idol! I love you!!!!! XOXO

  • CJ

    Papa Smark has returned to the Pulse, and all is right with the world again. :)

  • Ryan

    So I haven’t watched WWE for five years until my sons discovered it a month or so back. I immediately checked to see if Smart Marks still had their hero and I’m glad to see you are back writing Scott. You da man!!!

  • Jim

    You can’t put the blame of the Swagger/Riley match solely on Jack. He TRIED to lift up that sack of crap Riley, but he’s the one who wasn’t cooperating. I hope him and his crappy back tattoo get future endeavored soon.

  • sdmcc

    I still question: is SK’s return due to the fact that Cena dropped “Five Moves of Doom” last week? and if he is going to the show next week and it sucks.. how is he going to get his refund when Shane’s not there anymore.

  • Micheal Bradley

    Man, I wish my Imapct reviews were as good as Scott keith RAW review. Unfortunately, me, Micheal Bradley, I am the worse reviewer in the history of wrestling. But, please, I am single father with two kids and I review wrestling!

  • Aaron Glazer

    CB – myself, Wheeler, and Marshall/Rhett makes 3. Add in 10 thoughts…

  • Johnny C

    Man, I am pissed off with WWE now. I haven’t been this angry since they put the World Title on that no-drawing loser The Rock. That imbecile never drew a dime! Just like Ric Flair and Bret Hart. Rock, Flair, Hart, never sold one ticket between the three of them! You know who IS a genius, though…Vince Russo! If only WWE had kept him as Head Writer! We could have WWE Champion Justin Bieber now! Rather than this mindless crap!

  • CB

    Aaron, point noted. How’s our TNA recaps going? It’s M.C. vs. the world!

  • David

    “I don’t know if that’s a “shoot comment that’s not supposed to be a shoot comment” thing, but I like it.”

    Never, ever go away again, Scott. For the love of God.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    We need to hire The Fuj. That dude rocks. FIST PUMP!!!

  • WWE Raw

    I agree about your conclusion about ending of
    WWE Raw August 15 2011 because nobody cares about Alberto Del Rio, but WWE has been shoving him down everybody throat.

  • Matthew Michaels

    When do you ever see champions suddenly getting repackaged like that?

    Ah shades of Chuck and Billy post wedding…

  • Battlebowl92

    … try to act surprised when Nash is in cahoots with Triple H, Johnny Ace and John Cena, the company has this great new idea for a group called the nWo

  • RazorbladeRomance07

    Useless Moron Scott Scooter Keith must hold the record for most unfunny jokes by any IWC writer ever! His criticisms miss the mark completely, his “facts” that he pulls out his big fat butt are nearly always wrong, and he doesn’t seem to like any wrestling ever. So why do “Smark RAW Rants” if it all sucks so bad? I just don’t get it. I’m sure he could spend his time playing online shoot-em-ups, instead of lowering his revolting self to the level of mere wrestling fans. He clearly hates wrestling and wrestling fans, but he “Rants” about it? Color me confused.

  • Colin Rinehart

    Hey, it’s Colin Rinehart and I am in love with Scott Keith! I want to marry him!!!

  • Battlebowl92

    no one will remember, but when it happens try to remember i warned you… the purpose of the storylines at this point are to make sure Triple H is somehow involved in being on the side that gets a win over Rock at WM… since Rock apparently isn’t cool on working with Hs since he squashed Hurricane years ago as soon as Rock left after Rock had spent two months giving ‘Cane a rub

  • Christopher Robin Zimmerman

    This Rant is terrible. I get letters…

    Hey CRZ, why are InsidePulse letting Big Fat Scooter Keith post his Rants again, when he admits that he hasn’t watched wrestling in years?


    There’s a simple answer for that…

    The guys at InsidePulse were WALKING when(post truncated)

  • CB

    SK, bringing out the trolls since 1996. Jeez, folks need to get over whatever is ailing them.

  • Alfonso Tyson

    Strongest recommendation to avoid.

  • Julian Leite

    Huhh huhh hmmmm hmmm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  • Julietorrentino of Youtube

    TPrincess, ChinWins and two “Yahoo’s” named Chris and Dan are conts! They will be burnt to a crisp one of these days.

  • Mike Gojira

    Good for you.

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