The SmarK Rant for Impact! Wrestling – 08.25.11
by Scott Keith on August 26, 2011

The SmarK Rant for Impact! Wrestling – 08.25.11

– To be honest, I’m still debating between doing permanent recaps of this trainwreck of a show, or Smackdown, or just alternating depending on my schedule.  Any input is of course welcomed.

– Taped from Orlando Jordan, FL.

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Taz

World champion Kurt Angle and his incredible shinking arms come out for the opening interview, calling out Crimson.  He’s really got that worn-down, MMA fighter past his prime look that Randy Couture had at the end.  It’s getting kind of scary, actually.  I have no idea who Crimson is, but apparently they see something in him.  And if you can’t trust TNA’s talent scouting, who can you trust?  Crimson wants respect, but Angle seems unwilling to give it.  Sadly this is interrupted by Immortal, who apparently don’t like Crimson either.  However, Angle doesn’t need or want their help with his match tonight.

Meantime, Jackie & ODB give Velvet Sky a peptalk.

Meantime, Hogan and Bischoff give Flair the gears, possibly because they’re owed money by him.  Or something with Sting.  Whatever.

Jackie & ODB & Velvet Sky v. Angelina Love & Rosita & Sarita

Where did they drag Jackie out of mothballs from?  Sky accidentally hits Jackie and gets rolled up for two by Rosita, but ODB comes in and beats on Rosita instead.  Over to Sky, but the heel chicks trap her in the corner by some kicks that miss by a foot and an elbow from Sarita that lands somewhere on the thigh.  Wrestling matters!  I’m just not sure when we’ll see any.  Love screws up a blind tag spot and then does it again.  Is it me, or is Love about 30 pounds thinner than she used to be?  That’s getting kind of yucky.  Love hits a backbreaker on Sky, but ODB and Jackie hit her with a double suplex and Sky pins her at 4:05.  The tag team partners acting as a team is apparently a shocking occurence, but since this company does such a shit job of explaining their ridiculous storylines I have no idea why that might be.  *

Kid Kash v. Jesse Sorensen

Kash attacks and they slug it out, which ends with Kash pounding him with crossface forearms on the ropes.  Backbreaker and drop suplex get two.  Sorensen comes back with a dropkick for two and a neckbreaker for two.  I should note that Sorensen actually has a douchebag tribal tattoo on his TIGHTS, so he’s really got the Axe crowd street cred going for him.  They trade rollups and Kash holds the tights for the pin at 3:01.  OK for a quick TV match.  **1/4  Kash bitches him out for being a disrespectful punk while he’s the grizzled veteran, and that’s a really weird role for me to wrap my head around given I was watching his rookie year in ECW and it doesn’t feel like that long ago.

Bound for Glory series:  Rob Van Dam v. The Pope

RVD grabs a headlock and hangs on through a suplex, then rolls Pope up for two.  Standing moonsault hits knee, as does Rolling Thunder.  Pope puts him down with a forearm for two and an STO for two.  RVD with a bridged indian deathlock, but Pope quickly makes the ropes.  Rob with a monkey flip and abdominal stretch while the commentators talk about Devon and Samoa Joe and other stuff that’s not really explained. Say what you will about WWE being incredibly repetitive at times, but every plot point is hammered home with a video package between matches and you really have to be tuned out not to get the gist of what’s going on.  Pope comes back with a fistdrop, but Rob hooks him in a surfboard and gets two…and then Pope SUBMITS at 5:00?!  How is that even supposed to be painful?  **  Samoa Joe comes out and puts Pope in a leglock afterwards, which brings out Devon (looking RIPPED and badass now) to chase Joe away.  I still have no idea what was going on there, but Devon’s sons were at ringside so it must be important.

Meantime, Scott Steiner, Bully Ray and Gunnar get pumped up for their match.

Meantime, the Mexican chicks turn on Angelina Love (who looks even more strung out on film than she does on the TV cameras) and fuck if I know what’s going on here.

Meantime, Uncle Eric hits on someone.  Again, none of this is ever given any context or explanation, which is probably why the audience doesn’t grow.

Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair are out to call out Sting.  Sting’s all CRAZY with his CRAZY face paint and Hogan doesn’t like it.  Hulk promises that from now on, they’re going to be the standard-bearer in the industry for what a wrestling company should be.  God help us all.  Sting agrees to bury the hatchet in exchange for cookies, balloons, unicorns and puppy dogs.  Flair argues that he’s been crazier than Sting for much longer.  I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments, although this one is less funny given how sad and crazy it turns that Flair really is.  So young whippersnapper Sting challenges Flair to a match.  Oh, goodie.

AJ Styles & Beer Money v. Gunnar, Bully Ray & Scott Steiner

This is no DQ, falls count anywhere, but first AJ brings out Chris Daniels to accept his challenge, as Daniels is having a crisis of faith about whether he wants to continue wrestling or not.  I know that, for me, choosing between continued employment with TNA or early retirement would be an easy choice.  Daniels says “See you at the PPV” and AJ’s like “Why entice people to buy our shitty PPVs?” So next week, they meet again for the first time for the last time.  And after a break we’re on with the scheduled match instead.  Everyone brawls outside to start and Gunnar beats on AJ in the ring, but gets dropkicked for two.  Steiner with an overhead suplex on AJ, but Robert Roode clotheslines him and goes up with a Buff Blockbuster for two.  Bully Ray slugs Roode down for two, but Storm comes in with a crossbody for two.  Beer Money with a double suplex to put Ray on the floor, and AJ hits him with a dive as Tenay suddenly points out that there’s points at stake for the Bound for Glory thingie here.  So why is this not a “Bound For Glory Series” match?  Whatever.  Everyone goes brawling into the backstage area and it turns into the usual Vince Russo “Book everything like it’s 1999″ mentality again.  Then we suddenly cut back to the ring with AJ getting a crossbody on Ray for two.  Bully Ray comes back with a Bubba Bomb on AJ for the pin at 6:00 for the anticlimactic win.  Usual goofy Russo brawl.  **  Mr. Anderson, who has been walking around the arena in army boots for the whole show, drives out in a Hummer and attacks Immortal, and the announcers FINALLY provide some exposition to explain it.

Meantime, Mickey James is mad at someone.  She doesn’t say WHO during the promo, but she’s mad.

Eric Young drives around LA looking for Scott Baio.   …I got nothing here.

Kurt Angle v. Crimson

As terrible of a name that “Crimson” is, at least he doesn’t have a manager named Clover.  Crimson powers Angle down a couple of times and slugs away in the corner.  Holy cow, Angle’s arms are just distracting to look at.  There is some major league nerve damage there.  They fight to the floor, but Angle clips him when they get back in and we take a break.  Back with Angle holding a neck vice, but Crimson fights out and gets a suplex for two.  Angle escapes a uranage and comes back with a release german, but Crimson no-sells it and spears Angle for two.  Angle takes him down with the anklelock and immediately sinks it in, but Crimson barely even sells it before fighting out of it.  Sky High gets two and Samoa Joe runs in for the DQ at 6:15.  You know they’re not gonna beat the World champion or end the undefeated streak on TV, but why even book the match?  Joe proceeds to laying a beating, but Crimson suddenly no-sells it and chases him off.  This dude is not good.  Neither is this show.  **

Samoa Joe ends things by apparently breaking Crimson’s leg in the post-show tag.  Sure, why not.

So what’s my recapping destiny?  Boring but dependable Smackdown, or the hot mess that is Impact?  Or a little of both?

 

 



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Scott Keith

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  • Steven Gepp

    (I cannot believe I am buying into this crap!) So, Mr “Real” Fuj, why would some one bother to impersonate you here for 6 months when we have no idea who you are? It’s not like you’re famous or anything. I mean, seriously, why bother? Unless this guy/girl/thing is a real headcase, in which case have you considered applying for IP blocks?

  • Futureal

    I’d really for once like to read a balanced discussion or something resembling an argument on this site regarding TNA. I kinda enjoyed Scott’s rant this week. With Blair, sadly, it’s always been something along the lines of: “I don’t recap Matt Morgan promos because Morgan sucks. When you ask me for some evidence I’ll laugh and say something involving sucking again. If that doesn’t work, I’ll use the lame excuse that everything is subjective. Then I’ll laugh at you again and say that Matt Morgan sucks.”

    I realize that there are flaws right now in the TNA product. Some weeks, sadly, there is more wrong than right with Impact. However, couldn’t we go for something between “BEST IMPACT EVER!!!” and “TNA SUCKS!!!” a little bit and really try to analyse strengths and weaknesses?

    For example, two months ago Wade Keller on PWtorch.com evaluated the contestants of the BFGS. I quote his take on Crimson: “As for Crimson, they’ve got him on a winning streak and he’s been an unsteady mix of both way-too-green and reasonably-promising in his in-ring work so far. I haven’t seen enough to rule him in or out, but he has a good look and hasn’t been defined down yet as a mid-carder. Crimson still has potential and is worth the push he’s getting (his issues aren’t any greater than Goldberg’s were at the start of his big push), but he’s got a ways to go and should be working his ass off to get better and show he appreciates this undefeated streak gimmick he’s been given.”

    That sounds like the closest to an objective take on the guy and his push that I have read so far. I’d like to read more articles that make valid and balanced points to discuss instead of a bashing disguised as a review by someone who has already made his mind up before he even watches the show.

    Also, on Gunner, here is a quote from the live report from the latest Impact tapings, also to be found on the Torch site: “While I wasn’t a big fan of the security guy getting a big push six months ago, he and Crimson are great examples of two young guys that finally got a sustained push by a company that notoriously stops/starts with their less-established talent. It dawned on me that TNA had achieved in getting Gunner over when he beat Ray and the whole crowd popped with attitude. If the rest of the company had anything close to the character support those two have enjoyed, then TNA would have a lot better (and more consistent product).”

    And I’m not even the biggest supporter of those two guys I try to defend here. I just don’t like biased bashing when good journalism shouldn’t be too much to ask. Just keep an open mind, guys. There are reviwers ot there who try to do just that.

  • CB

    @gibby: sorry if others called you a troll and you weren’t

    @limodriver: you summed it up perfectly when you said: If I had never seen an episode of IMPACT before this week, I probably would have been interested enough to keep watching and get invested in the stories they’re trying to tell. But since I remember the previous stories they failed to tell, I just don’t care.

    And wait, we have two Fuj’s, like two Hebners?!?!

  • sideshowbob

    Hell even I try giving this trainwreck a shot every couple months… And the best part of the show is watching the deteriorating, strung out, pole dancers trying to act or have a match… Sad thing is they’re on par with the nonsense mess that is their guy roster, but their diehards are unwilling to admit it.

  • CB

    @sideshowbob: I need to interview you for my next column, you’ve been freaking hilarious lately.

    Scott Keith: Please keep doing impact rants, just look at all the comments!

    And @Futureal: M.C. Brown does a VERY objective piece for us about impact, his 10 Thoughts are very fair and balanced.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Futureal: Usually if I laugh at evidence that’s been given, it’s because the evidence is something that I find laughable and / or the person never responded to any of the questions *I* had. Like if I ask the person to name one good match or promo, and that’s the perfect example for this Gunner Crimson thing and they can’t, or if they do, they name the match where he beat AJ Styles in one move.

    And of course wrestling talent is subjective, because it’s fake – if they were actually in competition with each other then there would be a clear winner and loser. There are people out there that think Gunner and Crimson are great – good for them. I don’t agree. There are people that think that Goldberg is the best wrestler ever because he would probably win some fights if it were real. There are people that think because Jeff Jarrett has a big house and an ugly wife that he should be considered GREAT. There are people that think that Kurt Angle is the best because he was a REAL wrestler and won a gold medal. But that Wade Keller comment is the PERFECT example of this kind of thing. He’s clearly seen something that I haven’t been able to see in Crimson.

    As for that comment from the Impact tapings, that hasn’t aired for me yet, and I likely won’t watch it when it does, so while I can’t judge a live reaction from Gunner beating Bully Ray when I won’t see it, the reactions I have seen for Gunner and Crimson have been… well… laughable. That line of “Gunner and Crimson are two great examples of two young guys that FINALLY got a sustained push by a company that notoriously starts/stops with their less-established talent.” is funny on so many levels.

    FINALLY got a sustained push? FINALLY? You know what Gunner and Crimson had to do to get pushes? Show up. They were pushed right away. They did NOTHING to prove ANYTHING before their push. You know who else followed that exact same pattern? Judas Mesias. X. Trytan. Hernandez upon his return. Chris Harris when his partner got injured. The list goes on. These guys show up with a bunch of hype, get pushed, will probably beat some people, will fail to draw a reaction, and will go away or get repackaged. Consistently. Every time. This Gunner / Crimson thing is just the latest example, and while I’m happy to give them some tertiary credit for at least having a longer attention span with these guys than the others I mentioned, truthfully, unless they’ve started getting amazing reactions or cutting awesome promos or having awesome matches (which, according to this last episode of Impact, hasn’t happened) then the result is going to be the same. Even funnier is that TNA has had guys for YEARS that people react to. That’s why TNA is tough to watch for me. I don’t get it. I don’t understand their logic. And if these guys are doing so awesome, why aren’t ratings or buyrates going up?

    I do get that you’re not the biggest supporter of those guys or of TNA, and I appreciate that. I do get what you’re saying, but your defence of Gunner and Crimson is coming from two OTHER people who still can’t name a single good match or promo that either has cut. And Crimson is not Goldberg – I’m sorry, but f*ck that. I’m not a huge Goldberg fan or anything, but within the amount of time these two clowns have had, Goldberg had a huge amount of buzz. To me, that’s not evidence, and it doesn’t explain why when I watch the show I don’t see anything. And I’m not saying I’m the barometer for these guys getting a reaction, maybe I just have a more critical eye than most. I’m certainly not saying I have the popular opinion, I mean s*it, I watched Mark Henry and Shaemus axe-handle each other for 15 minutes to one half-cool bump and a count-out win, laughed at it, then came on here to read that the match was awesome. Go figure.

    Oh, and Matt Morgan sucks.

  • CB

    Blair: Matt Morgan’s return match is coming in September vs. Samoa Joe! Just wanted to let you know.

    Also, I *LAUGH* at the BFG Series because with Joe injuring everyone, they’ve essentially rendered all previous match results POINTLESS (like they did when they ignored the Top 10 rankings system) and so it’s just another good idea in theory that is just being nullified by TNA’s incompetence.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Well, that’s good to know. So what’s everyone’s point again, about Samoa Joe FINALLY getting the push he deserves? He’s going to be fed to Morgan. Matt Morgan. Again.

  • sideshowbob

    @CB check your mail for contact info

  • CB

    @sideshowbob: Just wrote you back, looking forward to our discussion!

  • sideshowbob

    Maybe I’ll recap AM Raw now wooo!

  • flamingwombat

    Blair wrote: “I watched Mark Henry and Shaemus axe-handle each other for 15 minutes” and “then came on here to read that the match was awesome.” We’d like to give a chance to edit both these lies before we respond.

  • the fuj

    Wow. Just wow!

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