More Than 10 Thoughts on WWE, TNA and Bleacher Report Wrestling
by Jack Newbury on October 19, 2011

So, as you may know, or more than likely don’t, I have been chiming in with 10 Thoughts on ROH TV on a weekly basis here at Inside Pulse. This, well, this is not that. Hell, I don’t know if this is even getting published. I haven’t talked with anyone about it besides Blair A. Douglas and that dude is an asshole, AM I RIGHT?!

Have you ever been to Bleacher Report’s Wrestling Section? Please say no. Because, if you said no, your life is instantly better than mine. Because, see, by going to that debacle, my eyes and mind have seen words that I can’t undo. And, when I witness atrocities I just have to share my pain. My eyes can’t be the only pair in need of being deleted, y’know? So, all of the bold bullshit you’re about to see? Yeah, that’s from Bleacher Report. Step light if you ever visit their locale, it’s quite the nightmare.

Real fuckin’ light.

When Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne—collectively known as Air Boom—won the WWE Tag Team Championships, we all breathed a collective sigh of relief and thought that this could be the time when the WWE got serious about rebuilding the tag team division.

Yet, here we are a couple of months later, and there hasn’t been much to show for it.

So, you…excuse me, WE, all thought that the WWE might be taking the rebuilding of their tag division serious because they took two random dudes on their roster, slapped them together for not much reason, meshed their nickname and all of a sudden, we have faith that they might be rebuilding the division?

Please, isn’t that, you know, status fucking quo for their nonsense?

Creative #1: What are we doing with Kofi and Bourne? Nothing?

Creative #2: Hell yeah nothing!

Creative #1: Tag Team! back again. party over here party over there wave your hands in the air shake your deriere. These three words when you’re gettin’ busy…whoomp there it is!

Alright, so that’s not exactly how a WWE creative meeting would work…there’s no way they would break out into mid 90s rap music lyrical awesomeness like that…but, the point remains, didn’t that tag team come about because they have no clue? And that gave people hope that they knew what they were doing?

Anyone else catch Hogan on every SportsCenter show prior to BFG? Yeah, he ripped the Tebow jersey on SportsNation. I thought that was cool…

Anyway, what’d he hype?

Bound For Glory.

What match did he specifically hype?

Sting vs. Hulk Hogan.

So, when Hogan does public appearances to hype the show, you don’t want him to hype the match where people know two of the names involved, you want him to hype the match where people only know Kurt Angle?

As much as the notion of Sting/Hogan having a wrestling match dissuades me from wanting to even turn on a television and channel surf around on the off chance that the cable company randomly credits me the PPV in error and I catch a couple glimpses of it, of course, Hogan is going to hype his match with Sting.

If 10,000 of the near 1million that ordered the original Hogan/Sting Starrcade saw Hogan’s appearance hyping Sting/Hogan and ordered Bound for Glory…that DOUBLES what they usually get.

As much as Hogan should be bashed for putting himself in the spotlight, going on mainstream television and hyping the PPV in the manner he did with this Sportscenter piece is not something he should be bashed for. The audience wouldn’t know Bobby Roode. That’s not a knock on Roode, just how it is.

He wants us fans to relate BFG 2011 with his name and his name only. No Bobby Roode.

He is far too selfish to let another guy have, even a little piece, of the spotlight at Bound For Glory.

Also, I’m pretty sure on other ESPN promotions, at least the one I watched, Hogan hyped his match and then mentioned that Roode/Angle was the Main Event. I actually thought the technique wasn’t bad, get their attention by having the audience question, “wait, those two are still having a battle 14 years later? The fuck?” and then tell people “relax, we’re not in the Main Event.”

Of all the shit to criticize the company for, is this really it?

When time came for you to show your true colors and a chance to put over a homegrown TNA talent, you didn’t do it. You’re far too selfish, Terry.

Awww, snap! Terry! You’ve done it now, Hogan! Your refusal to promote Roode to an audience that wouldn’t know or give two shits about Roode has caused this Bleacher Report writer to pull back the curtain. He’s so angry! So angry he could just break Bleacher Report policy and light you up verbally like a sailor would!

For that act, I say screw you only because Bleacher Report has a policy towards foul language and I respect them for that.

Yeah!

I’m also proud to say I’ve tweeted this to “Hulkamania” himself. So Terry, if you’re reading, first off hello, I’m Charlie Groenewegen and screw you.

Charlie, let me give you a word of advice. If someone says the phrase, “screw you” you have to always end it with “,pal!” It adds an added measure of harumph that really lets the person know you are agitated with their actions.

So, “brother” next time this chance presents itself, feed your ego a XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell

So, you’re saying that the PPV would have been better promoted if Hogan had NOT talked about his match at Bound for Glory and just ate this burrito on TV instead?

Agreed!

Though we don’t know for sure, we can assume that Kelly Kelly will likely use her rematch clause to face Beth Phoenix for the Divas Championship at Vengeance.

OMG, but what if she doesnt?!?!

I still find myself wondering, however, where this stable is going. I can’t tell if it’s going to allow one of those guys (maybe Dolph Ziggler or Jack Swagger) to turn face, if it’s going to lead someone (Christian perhaps) to a World title shot or if it’s going to wind up accomplishing almost nothing.

Why wonder about something you answer yourself. Is WWE scripting this or did they bring in Steven Soderbergh to write their angles? Oh, WWE is still writing their shit? Yeah, it’s going to wind up accomplishing nothing…

11. Is Sheamus vs. Christian an Unofficial No. 1 Contender’s Match?

Fuck, I hope not.

Sheamus vs. Christian hasn’t officially been announced for Vengeance, but based on the recent booking on both Raw and Smackdown, it’s safe to say that these two will indeed go toe to toe on Sunday.

How can you say that a match based on any of the clusterfuck booking of WWE as of late is “safe?”

and they’ll likely put on another quality match just like they did at Hell in a Cell.

Wait a second, these two assholes just had a match and you want MORE? No wonder WWE said, “the hell with it, let’s just do 3 PPVs in 5 weeks.”

As soon as Henry pinned Orton for the second straight time, I thought to myself, “Man, who the hell is gonna stop the World’s Strongest Man?”

I had this same thought.

It wasn’t after the second straight win over Orton, however. It was after Henry was given the European Title by Jeff Jarrett. And, then, D’lo Brown defeated Henry.

And, by “thinking who will beat the Worlds Strongest Man” I mean, “I was thinking, why the hell am I watching this dude without stabbing a fork into my neck?”

Perhaps it’s just me, but I keep getting the sense that Daniel Bryan could be cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase in the near future.

Note to this Bleacher Report writer: Take this statement, copy and paste it to a word document, type “RESUME” at the top and include your vital name, address, etc, information and stuff it in an envelope mailed EXPRESS to WWE Creative headquarters.

This is exactly the kind of thought process they look for in writers. Sure, it makes no sense for Bryan to cash that shit in right now, but, not making sense is right in their wheelhouse.

Also, sidenote, I’m fairly sure Daniel Bryan’s next on-screen nickname is going to be Daniel “We gave this motherfucker the Money in the Bank?” Bryan.

Since transferring to the slogan of “Wrestling Matters” earlier this year, the TNA roster truly lived up to that standard with explosive wrestling from start to finish.

This can’t possibly be true, right? Blair, answer this for me.

The anticipated track turned out to be “Another Me,” a critically acclaimed song by Hardy’s own band Perowhygen.

Wow, I don’t know what I would laugh at more…the notion that Hardy’s “own band” could produce a “critically acclaimed song” or would I laugh more once I discovered what Perowhygen means?

That name had to have been developed by sticking a dozen prescription pill bottles in a hat, removing 3 of them and then jumbling the words, right?

One year later, the Immortal stable has grown so incredibly stale that they no longer have any reason to be around anymore given Hulk Hogan’s shocking face turn last night. With Abyss also recently exiled from the group, how much longer can we expect to see Immortal last?

20 years. Probably.

Don’t quote me on that. But, yeah, we’re looking towards at least another decade plus of that nonsense. I like how you think they have no reason to be around anymore given Hogan’s “shocking face turn.”As if someone won’t bring up in the booking meeting for this weeks Impact the idea of Hogan re-swerving to join Immortal.

Being the premier original wrestler in TNA, it comes as no shock that AJ Styles once again stole the show at last night’s Bound for Glory. In my personal favorite match of the evening, Styles prevailed over fellow Fortune member Daniels in a fast-paced, highly intriguing “I Quit” Match.

This is why part of what Hogan says about AJ Styles is absolutely right. The guy certainly hasn’t evolved over the years. And, this is the reason right here. I haven’t seen the match, but, voices I trust tell me it was awful. Voices I distrust tell me it was not good. I’m not saying it was not good. I am saying, people give AJ Styles way too much leeway to do boring shit and/or not improve. Most of the people who love AJ Styles do so without a knowledge of what makes good wrestling, so why evolve?

Also, these two are both in Fortune and wanted to commit murders during the match? Isn’t that weird for even TNA?

Yes, HHH, our supposed babyface, just compared the majority of the WWE unfavourably to broomsticks. An unbelievably arrogant, counter-productive comment, we don’t know what HHH was thinking when he said this, or what Vince was thinking for green-lighting it (if it was indeed in the script and not something Hunter just made up the spot).

What, you think that people actually heard that comment and were all, “you know what, now that you mention it, WWE wrestlers are worse than broomsticks!”

For as dumb as WWE fans are, this seems like a strong attempt to raise the bar.

9. Where is Daniel Bryan?

Ok, maybe this isn’t even a storyline. Maybe WWE officials just have no idea how to book Daniel Bryan.

Uh, Yeah.

I mean, I truly find it hard to believe that Bryan would the Money in the Bank briefcase only to be booked like complete crap without it serving a purpose. It has to, right?

First week watching WWE?

But the WWE has to have Bryan present at the pay-per-view in some way that matters, or we’ll forget that he even has the briefcase.

It’s not that we’ll forget that he has the briefcase. We’ll just think that he’s going to start working like, an office job. I’m hoping that the reveal is that inside the briefcase is just a stack of crackers ala Kramer on that one episode of Seinfeld where he carries a briefcase.

The WWE never really gives us a reason for The Undertaker’s post-Wrestlemania hiatus.

Oh, well, allow me to provide the obvious: dude has been doing this a long time. Crazy!

Sorry, guys, but “He’s recovering from his match” isn’t really a good excuse. We want to know why he’s gone, when he’s coming back and who he’s going to be feuding with.

Oh. So, they’ve given you an answer, you just refuse to accept it based on some misguided notion that the WWE should constantly keep you informed of exactly when a wrestler is coming back and who he is feuding with so that when it actually happens, you’ll what? Be ready for it?

I’m seriously considering writing a letter to the WWE’s corporate office and asking them to give me a detailed list of Triple H’s duties as WWE C.O.O.

Do it! Please! This is strong journalistic integrity. Sure, I’d rather you show up outside WWE’s corporate office wearing a hat that has a sticker with the word PRESS on it, banging on the door demanding answers. But, I will most definitely settle for this letter.

Just make sure it is strongly worded.

No, not really. But I’d love to at least have some idea of what Triple H can and cannot do in his position.

Oh.

Until next time, Bleacher Report, keep it ridiculous. I’m counting on it.




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Jack Newbury

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  • Mike Gojira

    I think it’s understood that Bleacher Report is nothing short of amateur hour, but if you want to start a war against them by ripping apart their writers, who am I to argue? :)

  • KON

    @Mike Gojira

    Start? Jack has been doing the Bleacher Report thing for quite some time, this is just it’s first appearance on Inside Pulse.

  • Mike Gojira

    And by start I meant here on Pulse.

  • Dez

    Brilliant. That site is shocking.

  • Finn the Human

    There are horrible writers everywhere, even here. Get over yourself.

  • CB

    #sarcasmdrip!!!!

  • Mike Gojira

    @Finn the Human: I love Adventure Time!!!

    Was that TMI?

  • incognito

    For starters, this was funny shit. That guy’s so over the top, this needed to be done.

    “feed your ego a XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell” So lame. As for me, I’m not buying Hogan’s death sticks, I’ll just take a pack of Chewlie’s gum. Who’s with me??

    I do want to point out about the Styles/Daniels “murder” comment that a few people seemed to miss – it wasn’t sold by the announcers or anyone else like he was going to really kill him. The “murder in cold blood” line was just like “Joe’s gonna kill you” in that it meant fuck his shit up, not kill him. The commentators weren’t saying anything like “Oh shit, call the police!” It was just hyperbole. He said that, then went for a chair shot to the head of a prone AJ Styles, who rolled out of the way and went on to win.

    It wasn’t anything you wouldn’t have heard in a football game prior to the players all getting PR agents.

    Anyway, I enjoyed the column, your ROH reviews too.

  • incognito

    This needed to be done. Good stuff.

    “feed your ego a XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell” If Hogan pisses that guy off any further, he’s going to buy a pack of Chewlie’s gum. Who’s with him?!!!

    Oh and about the Daniels “murder” comment during the I Quit match…come on guys. It wasn’t sold as if he was actually going to murder his opponent. It was just old school sports boasting combined with heeling it up by getting personal with AJ’s family. “Anyone with a heart condition, please look away” type of stuff. “Joe’s gonna kill you” type of stuff. By “murder in cold blood” he basically meant “f*ck your sh*t up.” He followed the line up by going for a chair shot, not pulling a gun.

    Anyway, the match was still a let down, but only because there wasn’t enough to it. It definitely could have used ten more minutes of just wrestling before they started going for the microphone.

    Just my two cents. I enjoyed your column, and your ROH reviews are good reads as well.

  • owangotang

    The reason Undertaker is not back is because we STILL do not know if he can walk! That was the brilliant premise of an article here on Pulse not long after WM. It’s apparent that syphilitic monkeys crapping onto keyboards could write better than Bleacher Report but let’s not act like this site does not harbor its’ own fair share of out-there opinions.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Regarding your AM I RIGHT?!? Yes, you are right. Also, you are correct, in the statement where you asked if it could possibly be true, correct that it isn’t true.

    Newbury is better than all of you. FIST PUMP!!!

  • Dj

    The only thing I ever see at the Bleacher Report is “# reasons why something is something” or “list of the # best (or worst) something something”

    Its like every article is aimed to be flame-bait.

  • CB

    @owangotang: LOL on your #zing

  • Jack Newbury

    @Finn @owangotang…I realize there are horrible writers everywhere. This wasn’t done to prop myself or the pulse up over anyone. It was done merely because when I used this format for a smaller audience, the audience enjoyed it. So, I thought I’d try it here.

    I get that there is horrible writing everywhere, including here. Case in point: the Punk vs. HBK/Jericho article. Case in point: I’m sure I’ve already written something in ROH Thoughts that is awful and worthy of being mocked, and if I haven’t, keep reading, I’m sure I will.

    It’s obviously a bit disingenuous to pull from the worst stuff just to get laughs, but, at the same time, I think people have found it fairly humorous.

    Two more things…

    I’d certainly take requests do cover other sites in this manner. Just would need them pointed out, I don’t actively read tons of other wrestling columns besides Blair Douglas and now this place since I write here.

    As well, I originally wanted to leave out the name of the site I was mocking for the reasons presented here. I didn’t want it to seem like an attack piece, the focus should be on my jokes, afterall. However, the attack nature is inescapable, and I felt that it would be unfair to rip quotes out of context and present them without saying a site name in case people wanted to go back and see if I was being disingenuous with the passage I decided to pull and mock. (And, I’ll certainly admit that to be the case. 1 or 2 remarks I pulled knowing that they only become mock-worthy outside the context of the entire article.)

  • Jamal

    Thanks for the Bleacher Report attack piece. It is very long overdue. That site is terrible.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    I’m going to go ahead and say that Newbury’s drawing power has increased… we need an “Attica!” t-shirt.

  • Sheldon Cooper

    I’ve graced this Pulse site with my awe inspiring presence. However this article brought to me attention a website whose ilk did not need to be shared shared. You’re now on my mortal enemy list, along with Brent Spiner, and the person who decided to show me what two girls could do with one cup. Totally unnecessary. Bleacher report, how appropriate as no amount of bleach can now help my eyes. I’m going back to play with my trains now.

  • FDSwayze

    I hope that one guy who writes the letter to WWE about HHH’s ‘COO Responsibilities’ ends his letter with…PAL!

    You know, so they know he means business.

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