For Your Considerationâ€¦The RAW Judicial Review for 12/12/11
Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, honored-just-to-be-nominated column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. Iâ€™m your host Andrew Wheeler, and itâ€™s that time of year again when people get to hoist up fairly meaningless awards and pretend to be excited. But trust me, Iâ€™m not bitter. Hell, look at the logo Iâ€™ve been using for the better part of four years. I love me some Slammys. Granted, my love of the award has to do with a certain Mania TV host singing about Yokozuna being a Nathanâ€™s hot dog eating winner and Owen Hart â€œwinningâ€ best bowtie, but love is love. Sadly, since Iâ€™m still enjoying this awesome flu, tonightâ€™s column may again be a little condensed. Ah well, letâ€™s get on with itâ€¦
The RAW Judicial Review for 12/12/11
â€œLadies and gentlemen, it is electrifying.â€
You know itâ€™s a special show because they break out the female VO announcer and an official theme song. Ooh and aah. The majesty and pageantry is back as they are reusing last yearâ€™s set. Plus, since the Oscars lost Eddie Murphy, the best weâ€™re gonna get at an awards show is Booker T, who is presenting the first award.
Tell Me I Did Not Just See That Award
This award honors the brave blind wrestlers whoâ€¦wait, what? Itâ€™s an award for wacky nonsense? Then it makes sense that presenting the award with Booker is That Fuckinâ€™ Midget. The nominees are:
- Santino Marella almost winning the Royal Rumble but sadly didnâ€™t decide to go into business for himself and just eliminate Del Rio anyway, thus creating a truly memorable moment
- Jim Ross dancing in an effort to show people that heâ€™s â€œokayâ€ with how his character is always humiliated and that heâ€™s a good sport who doesnâ€™t cry himself to sleep at nights realizing his legacy has been stained like so much BBQ sauce on a white dress shirt
- Resurrection-Truth being all wacky and suspended
- The Miz dressing in blackface to mock The Rock and the Civil Rights Movement
And the winner isâ€¦Jim â€œBig Wiggleâ€ Ross. JR comes out to accept the award, because in Vinceâ€™s eyes he isnâ€™t capable of calling a wrestling match because â€œthe kids donâ€™t wanna see a fat old manâ€ but he is capable of coming out to dance. The mind of McMahon is a scary, scary place.
Michael Cole interrupts to prove heâ€™s still relevant and says that Jim Ross winning was a joke, so Booker T does the logical thing and books a rap-off. That sound you hear is Vince Russo saying, â€œThis is a bad idea.â€ Cole raps first about who the hell knows what. JR goes second and forgets his lines. Stop. The. Pain. I feel worse for JR during this then I did when he kissed McAss. Oh, and to top it off, he does a JR-Roonie where I thought for a moment he was having a stroke.
Mick Foley is in the back and heâ€™s dressed like he just did a set and some coke at a 1980â€™s Improv.
Holy Shit Moment of 2011
Iâ€™m not going to bother masking the word shit because that takes effort and if you didnâ€™t know what they meant, then someone needs to sit you down in a safe place and punch you in the jaw. The award is presented by Mick Foley and the Million Dollar Man because DiBiase, as a minister, is holy, and Mick isâ€¦a collection of punctuation marks and pound signs. Who cares? Itâ€™s Ted on TV doing the laugh. Thatâ€™s good enough for me. And the nominees for vague old ECW crowd chant that isnâ€™t â€œsheâ€™s a crack whoreâ€ are:
- Sheamus killing Sin Cara by throwing him through a ladder on a spot that Sin Cara DIDNâ€™T injure himself
- Randy Orton catching Christian with a second rope RKO onto steel ring steps
- Big Show and Mark Henry collapsing a ring trying to carry one-another to a decent match
- Evan Bourne getting highâ€¦and then jumping off a ladder
And the winner isâ€¦obviously Big Show and Mark Henry. Show comes out to accept the award in his â€œHey kids, remember M*A*S*H?â€ shirt. Through labored breaths, he talks about how Mark Henry is scared of him and how heâ€™s gonna win the World Title, much to the mild bemusement of twenty or thirty people in the crowd.
The Big Show v. Wade Barrett
The two of them tease doing a table spot, until Big Show just opts to smash the table for no reason. Wade goes for a chair but Big Show punches the chair. Ya know, I donâ€™t wanna be a stickler, but if instead of attacking inanimate objects he hit his opponent, he might have actually won. Whatever, it got Show on screen and didnâ€™t make him wrestle much.
Weâ€™re back andâ€¦here comes The Road Dogg. Yes, you read that correctly. Jesse James goes through his shtick, which would be fun except most of the crowd is confused why that old man who may or may not have been the lead singer of a 90â€™s ska band is on stage. We get a video package of all of the Pipebombs, which was a pleasant trip down memory lane of funny flashes and that time Teddy Long forgot to talk because he wasnâ€™t just yelling â€œThe Un-dah-takahâ€. Oh, this is an actual award. Um, okay.
Pipebomb of the Year
Apparently everyone and everything was a nominee, but this was really just an excuse to give an award to CM Punk. Punk comes out with a mannequin dressed in a Dynamic Dudes t-shirt. Either heâ€™s ripping Johnny Ace or making an astute commentary on having to â€œcarryâ€ Ace-approved Superstars like Alberto Del Rio. Punk thanks the crowd and then dedicates it to Johnny Super Ace before unleashing a tremendous video package filled with highlights of Aceâ€™s stellar career. This was worth the price of admission. Oh, and if â€œThe Touchâ€ isnâ€™t still stuck in your head then youâ€™re not a wrestling fan. Or maybe you are. I really donâ€™t care.
Divalicious Moment of the Year
To present this award itâ€™sâ€¦Lita. Glad to see she had free time between court hearings to make it. Hope she took a cab. Lita says itâ€™s great to be back and gets the polite applause most award shows reserve for best editing. She seems mildly enthused at best so we roll that beautiful bean footage:
- Natalya doing one of those Sharpshooters that areâ€¦likeâ€¦double-Sharpshooters
- Kelly Kelly rolling up a Bella Twin to win the Tramp Stamp Title
- Kharma killing Mrs. Undertaker II
- Beth Phoenixâ€™s top rope Glamslam on Eve Eve
And of course the winner is Kelly Kelly, who talks through her gigantic smile until the Pin Up Divas of Destruction, Despair and Deltoids come out to get slapped in the face. On the plus side, that should do it for the Divas tonight.
OMG Moment of the Year
Santino and the Bella Twins present this and they riff on the meaning of OMG while I start to make a list in my head of all of the best WCW Saturday Night Matches. Youâ€™d be amazed how many of them featured Beautiful Bobby. And the nominees are:
- Triple H Tombstoning Undertaker in one of the most overrated matches in recent wrestling history
- The Rock hitting the Rock Bottom on John Cena
- The WWE locker-room walks out on Triple H because there was a level of boring, repetitive television that even they couldnâ€™t take anymore
- CM Punk wins the WWE Title and makes the company thrilling for about 72 hours
And the winner is obviously CM Punk winning the title and changiâ€¦.Iâ€™m kidding, it was Triple H stealing Undertakerâ€™s finishing move like in a video game. Hunter returns from his seven weeks of sitting behind the curtain to show off his leather jacket of the week. He has a sledgehammer and heâ€™s gonna use it, damnitâ€¦it cut a promo.
Triple H talks about how heâ€™s going to kill Kevin Nash and how they do still matter and the like. He is The Game, the Cerebral Assassin, The King of Kings, The Prognosticator of Prognosticators and at a PPV in 2011 he will beat Diesel. Oy. Hunter then saunters up the ramp, teases killing Santino, but because he is a face and is benevolent, he will let him live. For now.
Trending Star of the Year
So now we have the wrestling equivalent to â€œWho got the most signatures in your yearbookâ€ award. The nominees will all compete, and whoever is the highest trending topic wins the match. And to think we used to get upset when they IGNORED social media. The award is presented by David Otunga and Tony Atlas, aka Otunga in 20 years.
Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler v. Cody Rhodes v. Zack Ryder
They get three segments for this match, which is great. See, something good finally came out of Vinceâ€™s Twitter obsession. It is scary how good Ziggler is at this point, and the chance he gets the token Royal Rumble PPV title shot (usually given as a test to a younger guy since anyone who is a â€œbigâ€ star is needed for the Rumble match itself) is pretty good. In the end, everyone tries one form of their finisher, ultimately with Ziggler hitting the ZigZag on Bryan for the pin.
After the match we find out that Ziggler lost the Trending award to Zack Ryder, so he beats Ryder up and steals his award. Classic Owen.
Game Changer Award
Christian is back to present the award, complete with legit ankle injury and kayfabed neck injury. He says he deserved to be in the running for Superstar of the Year before asking if anyone had a match. I donâ€™t think you can smoke indoors, big guy. And the nominees for these increasingly vague awards are:
- Triple H firing Vince and Vinceâ€™s ugly pink jacket
- Edge retiring and making people cry before appearing on subpar SyFy shows
- Kevin Nash appearing and NOT injuring himself
- Alberto Del Rio proving that people can in fact burn out that fast
- The Rock & John Cena bringing back longterm booking
And the winner is The Rock and John Cena, because the WWE kissed Edgeâ€™s ass enough, Del Rio promos are boring, Hunter already won something and Nash doesnâ€™t have the energy to get out of the chair heâ€™s sitting in. To be fair, itâ€™s a plush chair.
Cena comes out to accept the award and keeps pointing out that The Rock isnâ€™t there, but he is. Heâ€™s like the desperate best friend trying to woo the hot girl who is obsessed with the football player. Look, we get it, youâ€™re available. Pull it back, buddy. Pull it back. He then gives the standard Wrestlemania Stump Speech. Huzzah.
CM Punk & Randy Orton v. Alberto Del Rio & The Miz
The four guys all have a pretty good, if lackluster, tag match. They, along with Cena and Henry, are up for Superstar of the Year, so it was a nice way to work them all onto television. Punk plays Ricky Morton for quite a while and keeps almost getting the hot tag to Orton. Just when it looks like heâ€™s gonna get it, Wade Barrett comes from out of the crowd and distracts Randy. Miz hits the SCF for the pin and Orton chases Barrett to the back. After the match, Del Rio uses a chair to put Punk in the Cross-Arm Breaker as Miz taunts him. Hey, at least they got some of their heat back.
A-Lister of the Year
Vickie Guerrero and Goldust present the award, but not before wacky banter about makeup and itâ€™s various overuses. And the nominees are:
- The Muppets, who were awesome
- Cee-Lo who looked like something out of a Stefan rant
- Hugh Jackman, who was really into his guest role
- Snooki, who I thought we all agreed to never talk about again
And the winner isâ€¦Snooki. Never thought Iâ€™d write the words Snooki and winner in the same sentence. She thanks everyone via tape and is actually looking rail-thin. Somebody put something in that girlâ€™s mouth, quick. Waitâ€¦I didnâ€™t mean that like thatâ€¦ugh.
Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal
Jinder comes out ranting about customer service or something so Sheamus kicks him in the mouth. That was short and to the point.
Superstar of the Year
This award is being presented by Rey Mysterio, who gets absolutely no reaction whatsoever. There may be hope for this crowd yet. And the nominees are:
- Randy Orton, who is still relevant even if heâ€™s not competing for a title, he swears
- The Miz, who went from headlining Wrestlemania to being R-Truthsâ€™ straight man
- Alberto Del Rio, whoâ€¦and Iâ€™m bored
- John Cena, who can rise above the hate but canâ€™t get the ratings to rise with him
- Mark Hey-Hey-Henry, who proves itâ€™s never too late for love
- CM Punk, who, if he loses, will take to the streets in protest on his bicycle
And the winner, as if there was any doubt, was CM Punk. Johnny Super Ace comes out to accept the award and says that Punk is injured but will compete in his TLC match anyway. Way to kill the crowd dead, WWE.
John Cena v. Mark Hey-Hey-Henry
Cena gets tossed around for a while as we think we know where this is going when the lights turn off and mah gawd, mah gawd, thatâ€™s gotta beâ€¦thatâ€™s gotta be Kane. Kane comes out wearing an iron mask that makes him look like Predator. He bypasses Mark Henry and chokeslams John Cena. He then takes off the iron mask to revealâ€¦heâ€™s wearing his mask again. Well, itâ€™s a new mask but you get the point. The place is atwitter as we fade to black.
Hey, Kaneâ€™s back. That was exciting for a moment before I realize this means heâ€™s gonna cut the same anguished promos again with that stupid music serving as a score. But on the plus side, at least John Cena wonâ€™t be randomly inserted in the WWE Title Match at the last minute.
This has been for your consideration.