Smith Hart is seemingly one of the only normal members of the Hart family.

I imagine that Smith was raised separately from the rest of the Hart kids, which would explain this seemed normalcy. It’s possible that when shopping for groceries one Sunday, when attempting to corral his 12 kids, Stu could only find 11. Knowing that Helen would never notice because she was always drunk, he decided “fuck it” and left Smith there. If the kids asked any questions, he would take them to the basement. We all know what happened down there.

This allowed Smith to escape into the world, thus allowing him to not contract whatever disease it is that cause the Harts to go FUBAR. The family never realized, and Stu eventually forgot about it. Smith still shows up every once in a while, at family gatherings where he can blend into the crowd as well as make away with a present or two. Or events like WrestleMania 26, when Bret left a message with everyone with the last name “Hart” and offered a payday just for showing up for the match, even though for the msot part, nobody anywhere ever knew who the fuck was in the ring.

He wrestled in his father’s Stampede Wrestling promotion and in Puerto Rico’s World Wrestling Council in the 1970s. He also helped out behind the scenes at Stampede Wrestling.

Smith opened a “Hart Brothers Wrestling School” in Cambridge, Ontario which has trained many wrestlers including the Highlanders, which we all remember as one of the all time great tag-teams in wrestling ever, right along with The Headbangers, Well Dunn, The Godwins, Skip & Zip, Techno-Team 2000, Doink and Dink, and Buff Bagwell and his Mom.

In summary, Smith Hart has never done anything in wrestling, for anyone, ever. I couldn’t even find a picture of him on the internet. I love obscure stuff like this.

Maybe what fucks the Hart’s up beyond all recognition is fame. Smith was never famous, so he’s escaped death, near-incest, and other Hart trademarks like public vomiting and drug-rape.

Smith is the Michael Bluth of the Hart Family. He does not need a TV, all he needs to do to be entertained is watch the goings-on of the people around him.

There was an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry comes home and listens to a message on his machine. It’s Frank Costanza, screaming into his machine “JERRY IT’S FRANK COSTANZA MR. STEINBRENNER IS HERE GEORGE IS DEAD CALL ME BACK.” Jerry simply shook his head and erased it.

I imagine Smith received a lot of messages like this: “SMITH IT’S DIANA DAVEY LEFT ME FOR BRUCE’S WIFE BUT IT TURNED OUT HE WAS DRUG-RAPING ME SO YEAH FUCK HIM BUT I WON’T HELP BRET AND MARTHA SUE VINCE SO BRET THREATENED TO BURN MY HOUSE DOWN I’M A DUMB SLUT AND I THINK NATALYA IS FUCKING THAT WIERD KID THAT JIM ADOPTED WITH THE FUCKED UP HAIR CALL ME BACK.”

I imagine Smith simply shakes his head and erases the machine too.

Good for him.

I’ll be in my trailer. Merry Christmas.

Tags: Anvil, Bret Hart, British Bulldog, bruce hart, Davey Boy Smith, DH Smith, Diana Hart, Hart, Helen Hart, Hitman, Jim Neidhart, natalya neidhart, Owen Hart, Rocket, Smith Hart, Stu Hart, teddy hart, TNA, Tyson Kidd, WCW, WWE