Flash Funk.

Goldust.

Dusty Rhodes.

Viscera.

Ernest “The Cat” Miller.

What do these five men have in common?

Brodus Clay is the misbegotten love child of an orgy between them and one unlucky woman.

That’s the only explanation for whatever the hell THAT was on Raw this past Monday. For months we were told Brodus Clay would debut and unleash hell on the WWE. His promos promised a man who knew how to inflict pain on his opponents, and I was expecting another hoss that Vince enjoyed stroking his ego to. We got a taste of that on NXT and when Clay debuted as Alberto del Rio’s bodyguard. He was all set to relaunch on Raw…and then the company changed plans on a weekly basis and decided they didn’t have time for his re-debut.

That’s fine. I mean, we know things change on the fly, right? Sometimes segments need to be cut for the greater good. And then it was reported that Clay was supposed to squash a local jobber last week despite rumors that the WWE was holding back on his debut because they wanted it to be impressive.

Was what I saw on Monday supposed to impress me? It certainly made me laugh at the absurdity of it all.

He was billed from “Planet Funk,” which is apparently two blocks down from “Parts Unknown” and “The Dark Recesses of the Mind.”

He came out dancing with the younger sisters of the Funkettes to what I swear was Ernest Miller’s old theme song.

His speech and mannerisms reminded me of the American Dream, just without the charisma and polka dots.

I’m not upset about Clay’s Raw debut. This isn’t an angry rant; I want you to know that. I’m just totally flabbergasted. It was just so bizarre and surreal that I just HAD to write about it. I honestly don’t have an opinion either way; this is just one of those times you’ve just got to sit back and observe.

The WWE Universe was effectively ribbed (for her pleasure).

Random Thoughts

*What does it say when, in a feud between two heels, the third wheel announcer gets over for his rendition of “La Cucaracha” (complete with remix)?

*Kudos to Edge and the Four Horsemen for their impending induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. At first I thought we’d just get Double A but Tully, Windham, and Dillon deserve just as much credit. One question: What about Ole Anderson?

*I really hope Jericho’s point in all of this baiting that he’s doing with the fans is a shot at CM Punk and how he represents the people. It seems as though Y2J has a lot of control over the current direction his return has taken. You know what would be awesome? If he comes out next week to talk and his mic doesn’t work. He asks for four or five mics and none of them work, so he decides to just leave.

*Nobody Some of you have been asking about my Fave Five; to that I say, there’s not much to rave about these days. The way Raw has been booked, we’re stuck with this obnoxious Kane and John Cena storyline that is unfortunately including the United States Champion Zack Ryder, which means that’s just one more superstar who doesn’t get to wrestle in a match without shenanigans taking place. Over on Smackdown, I’m not agreeing with the way Daniel Bryan is being booked as World Heavyweight Champion. I guess you could say the only guys who would even be considered for my Fave Five right now are Cody Rhodes and Chris Jericho, one of whom hasn’t done anything of note except show up. Perhaps after the Royal Rumble, when we have a clearer picture of the Wrestlemania line-up, I’ll bring back the Fave Five.

Sorry for the rather abrupt length of the column this week. I just had to get that off my chest. Check back with me on Saturday for the usual Not-So-Live Smackdown Report.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Tags: brodus clay, chris jericho, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dusty Rhodes, edge, Ernest Miller, Flash Funk, Four Horsemen, goldust, Hall Of Fame, john cena, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, Smackdown, Viscera, WWE, zack ryder