Welcome back boys and girls. Last week, I tried my very best to help you shake that addiction of using outdated wrestling terms that normal people tend to shy away from. See, that talk reminds normalfolk of carnivalfolk. And normalfolk aren’t too fond of carnivalfolk these days I’m afraid. It’s the clowns I think. Nobody likes clowns anymore. Some people are actually scared of them.
It doesn’t appear I was successful though. It takes a little time to shake the habit I guess. I recieved some nice comments. Some people argued with me, but they were nice about it. A couple of people cursed at me. I always like that. However one guy cursed at me, but used dollar signs instead of Ss. You know? Like $$. That works on a couple of different levels. It’s funny AND perplexing. Like why the $$? Is he trying to say, “Oh that insult was MONEY!”? Or maybe he’s a supervillian, and that’s a calling card warning. The Sinster Salesman! Oh wait…The $inister $alesman! The $inister $alesman $urely $hall $tealthly $teal $aid $apphire $ealed $ecurely in a $afe at $econd National Bank on the $econd $aturday in $eptember at $even $eventeen! Ha! One week in and I already have a supervillian. I rock!
Some people in the comments wanted to defend John Cena. I found some of this interesting. The comments seemed to think I was going to fire him or something. I swear to you I don’t have the power or ability to do that so don’t worry. That wasn’t even my point. My point was that no matter what they do, they aren’t losing you as a viewer or consumer of their various merchandise. You’ll watch the shows. And buy the video games. And the DVDs. And whatever T-shirts they have available. Look at this ‘Funkazilla’ or whatever guy. Wrestling fans will talk and write about that shit for weeks. It’s insane. And I’m not saying anything negative about World Wrestling Entertainment here. I’m giving them a compliment. That’s why they are so good at this stuff. They are like your heroin dealers. It’s your life and it’s your wife.
While people defended John Cena, nobody actually said they LIKE John Cena. Nobody will say it. Did you see that John Cena campaign map? I fucking LOVE that thing. Nobody wants to admit they are in a ‘red state’. Fans are swearing their area is much more vocal with their booing. Will that continue to be updated? Will a wave of blue sweep the globe? More importantly, why all the financial analysis if you don’t even like the guy? Does anyone like this guy?
I tried to like this guy. It was the John Cena Experiment. I tune out and come back thinking he might not be there anymore. But he’s still there. He’s always there. He’s unstoppable. So I tried to be a fan of this guy. I really tried. Blair Douglas is my witness. But it’s impossible. I can’t defend that Nexus thing. I got no ammo. That Wrestlemania match with The Miz? That I Quit match where they had kids doing lines from the crowd?!? That was bordering offensive. When he gets on the mic and tries to be charming and witty? That might work on strippers and maybe Kelly Kelly, but everyone else hates that shit.
And it’s tragic really. You hear all these stories about how some guys let the business get to their head or sometimes are just all around jerks, but this Cena seems to be a really nice guy. He’s a hard worker. He appears wherever WWE needs him to be. If they need him going to a war zone, he’s there. They need him to visit kids at a hospital? He’s there. They need him in a studio rapping? He’s there. He’s willing to work with the other entertainmentsers. He has been vocal in support of CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Zack Ryder. He keeps himself in good shape. If anyone on earth deserves to be a great wrestler, it’s this guy John Cena.
But he’s not. Tragic.
You can do this magical ‘heel turn’ you weirdos keep talking about every day. You can have him act the exact same. He can go back to rapping all the time. He can start speaking Klingon. You can make him an evil doctor. You can make him a scary clown. You can make him an astronaut. You can make him an executive in an important firm that specializes in the manufacture and export of various hygiene products in many major markets on the east coast, who one day while enjoying a brief walk in a park located near his small apartment while contemplating the loss of his girlfriend to a rare, incurable disease, was struck by a freak flash of lighting, granting him the ability to shoot electricity out of his ass. He’s still going to be boring to you, and you are still going to keep booing him. Or he’s still going to be awesome to you, and you will continue to cheer him. He is who he is. I hope whatever they do, they just keep the guy in character.
This thing with Kane that’s going to lead to this thing with The Rock? I’m sorry, but I don’t see it being very fun. As always, I have an alternative idea. This will offer a way to bring in this Brock Lesnar guy that everyone wants to see while also giving John Cena the opportunity to be in something fans want to see. I present to you a script that will cover an episode of RAW. This can be run at anytime between now and Wrestlemania. I only need one episode to set this all up. I’m gifted. Here we go…
ELEVEN O’CLOCK HIGH
(Cue Horrible RAW Theme)
INT. Backstage Area – loungy, possibly with food added in background. Entertainmenters we need to get on the show that don’t matter are all standing around discussing big news. Everyone is excited.
DANIEL BRYAN: I heard one time he made a guy tap in seconds, then broke all his limbs for his own amusement. Then he ate the guy.
THE FUNK GUY: Yeah that’s funky.
THE FAKE KURT ANGLE GUY: Well I heard one time to make the match more interesting, they had to add three tigers into the cage, just to make the fight last a little longer, and he still won in the first round.
THE FUNK GUY: Yeah, that’s definitely funky.
TWIN MAGIC GIRL 1: Well I heard…I heard the same stuff you guys heard.
TWIN MAGIC GIRL 2: Yeah, me too I guess.
THE FUNK GUY: Funky.
John Cena enters from a door. Make sure to film near a door.
JOHN CENA: What is all this funky discussion about?
[NOTE: Make new JOHN CENA IS FUNKY T-shirt. Oh, and fire that Funk guy.]
DIBIASE’S KID: Brock Lesnar is going to be in WWE! He’s here tonight!
Cue crowd cheers and maybe some rock guitar licks
WADE BARRETT: He’s already trending on Twitter.
JOHN CENA: Woah.
WHOEVER ARE TAG CHAMPS: Yeah, just like when we won these tag belts that one time we had that match…that we were in. I also heard he doesn’t like to be touched.
JOHN CENA: I like everyone because I (current T-Shit logo) no matter what the odds. I should be the first to welcome him. We are like a big family. I love you guys.
KELLY KELLY: Yeah John, you really (current T-shirt logo) no matter what.
INT. Wrestling Ring – I guess we can have the fake Kurt Angle guy beat Daniel Bryan. If Bryan is still champion, just make it non-title and keep it quick.
INT. Bathroom Stall – John Cena is standing in front of a urinal. Someone is in a stall but we can only see his boots. He is tapping his feet. John Cena is relaxed. Brock Lesnar appears and occupies the stall next to him. Cue crowd and guitar licks. John Cena is now tense.
JOHN CENA: I know this is weird and all, me being who I am, and you being who you are, and us standing in front of the urinals and all. Oh God…I guess what I’m trying to say is, I welcome you to the WWE.
BROCK LESNAR: …
CENA: I mean, you are Brock Lesnar right?
Cue the guy in the stall. The foot-tapping stops. Lesnar and Cena face off.
LESNAR: You a narc?
CENA: No! I’m WWE Superstar John Cena.
LESNAR: Then whadda want, man? I just got to this arena.
CENA: I don’t want anything! I…uh, that is…all’s I want to do is just welcome you to WWE. See we do this stupid thing where I welcome everyone and…
LESNAR: Oh, you’re gonna do a stupid little welcome for me? Why would I want to look stupid?
CENA: No, no, no no no! You’re not going to look stupid. Not at all. And just so you know…I don’t care if you do all kinds of dope and shit. I’m nobody’s narc, you know? Not that I think you do dope or anything like that, I mean…oh God…listen, why don’t we just forget I said anything? Okay?
John Cena pats Brock Lesnar on the shoulder. Brock Lesnar looks at Cena’s hand. Long pause. Brock Lesnar looks at John Cena.
LESNAR: You are never going to forget this happened.
Brock Lesnar shoves John Cena into the urinal and flushes it several times. Then Brock Lesnar lifts John Cena up and slams him into the bathroom mirror attached to the wall, which shatters. John Cena looks terrified.
LESNAR: I want you to understand something, Johnny. I don’t like it when people welcome me. You made me mad Johnny, and now I’m going to have to do something to work it off.
CENA: Work it off?
LESNAR: You and me, we’re going to have a match. Tonight. During the bleed over. 11:00, in the ring. You try and leave the building, I’m going to track you down. You talk to the General Manager, it’s only going to get worse. You and me. 11:00.
Brock Lesnar leaves. John Cena is frozen in fear. The bathroom stall opens and Chris Jericho emerges. He looks at John Cena.
CHRIS JERICHO: …
Chris Jericho leaves.
INT. Wrestling Ring – Dolph Ziggler defeating Daniel Bryan sounds good here. Non-title. Maybe a DQ because Mark Henry comes out. Try to keep the time down though.
INT. Locker Room – John Cena is talking to Zack Ryder and Eve.
ZACK RYDER: You didn’t touch him, did you bro?
CENA: There’s not going to be a match. I’ll just talk to him, explain things. Nobody will ever even know about it.
Kofi Kingston walks by the group.
KOFI KINGSTON: Hey, good luck on your match with Brock Lesnar tonight John. You carrying a gun or something?
Kofi Kingston leaves.
RYDER: Don’t worry, broksi. I can just plant performance enhancing drugs in his locker, and tip off Johnny Ace. He will be released before, Woo woo woo, you know it bro!
EVE: That will take forever. How about just ripping off one of the registers from those T-shirt sales? You can pay off someone to fight him for you.
RYDER: Good idea. What about that fake Kurt Angle guy? I heard earlier tonight he beat Daniel Bryan. If that doesn’t work, we can wear bras on our heads and try to make the perfect opponent for Brock Lesnar with our computers. Do you like that idea?
CENA: Woo, woo, woo, you know it bro?
RYDER: You’re an idiot.
INT. Wrestling Ring – Let’s have Fake Kurt Angle call Brock Lesnar out to the ring. Brock Lesnar comes down. Then John Cena and Zack Ryder can come out and join the commentary team. Cue applause.
FAKE KURT: Do you know who I am Lesnar?
LESNAR: Sure. You’re that wuss that pretends to be Kurt Angle.
FAKE KURT: I hear you are giving John Cena a hard time.
LESNAR: It’s just going to get worse.
FAKE KURT: You aren’t going to do anything to him.
Fake Kurt shoves Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar punches Fake Kurt in the face and throws him from the ring through the announcer’s table that John Cena and Zack Ryder are sitting at. Cue applause.
LESNAR: You and me John Cena, 11:00. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
Chris Jericho enters on the ramp. Cue applause. Then boos. Then applause. Then boos again. Then a combination of the two played backwards. Really mess with them.
Chris Jericho cries and leaves the ramp.
INT. JOHNNY ACE’S OFFICE – Try to make it look like an office. Add some chairs and shit. Johnny Ace is punishing CM Punk for calling him a bad word.
JOHNNY ACE: I’m tired of you being such a punk, Punk. You just bought yourself another Monday, mister.
CM PUNK: Oh, I’m crushed.
ACE: You just bought yourself one more right there.
PUNK: Well, I’m free the Monday after that. Beyond that, I’m gonna have to check my calendar.
ACE: Good! Because it’s going to be filled. Are you through?
ACE: I’m doing this audience a favor.
ACE: That’s another one right now! I got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don’t watch your step!!! You through?
PUNK: Not. Even. Close. BUD!
ACE: Good! You got one more right there.
PUNK: Do you really think I give a shit?
ACE: Another! You through?
PUNK: How many is that?
DAVID OTUNGA: I believe that’s seven including the one last week when Punk asked you whether or not you were related to Super Dave Osbourne.
ACE: Now it’s eight.
OTUNGA: Excuse me sir, it’s seven.
ACE: Shut up, Otunga. Two months, Punk. I got you for two months. Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.
Johnny Ace leaves his own office. David Otunga follows him. CM Punk walks across a football field and does a FIST PUMP at the end. Freeze it and play his theme song.
INT. Wrestling Ring – CM Punk should get a win over Daniel Bryan right here. Non-Title. The fans would most likely consider this a dream match kind of thing. Make sure they get at least three minutes or so.
EXT. Arena Rooftop – John Cena and Zack Ryder are on a rooftop talking. They are both wearing bras on their heads.
RYDER: Man, we’ve tried everything we can think of to get out of this fight. But nothing seems to be working. Sorry, broski.
CENA: This is crazy. I’ll just talk to him and tell him I can’t fight him. He’ll understand, right?
Suddenly a shadowy figure, like a bat, swoops down above them. Ryder lunges but he gets kicked in the face. Cena tries to run, but the figure grabs him by the throat and holds him over the edge of the roof.
CENA: Who are you?!?
THE UNDERTAKER: I’m Batman.
So yeah, Undertaker is back now. Run a creepy graphic and some music. Cue applause.
INT. Wrestling Ring – Gotta have a butterfly girls title match thing. I don’t care who or what. Just keep it around twenty seconds.
INT. Arena Hallway – Brock Lesnar is making his way to the ring. He is stopped by John Cena.
CENA: Mr. Lesnar sir, can I talk to you for a moment?
CENA: Maybe we can just forget this whole match thing and just be friends? Can’t we even try?
LESNAR: I don’t need friends.
CENA: What do you mean?
LESNAR: You’re never going to learn, are you? No matter what you say, no matter what you do, you and me are going to fight in that ring at 11:00. You know what? You have been around here a long time. And The Rock comes back for one night, and makes you look like a fool. So you form a tag team with him? And then he beats your ass afterwards, and you just take it and walk away? You’re the biggest pussy I’ve ever met in my life. You didn’t even try. How does that feel?
Brock Lesnar begins to walk away in disgust. John Cena stops him.
CENA: Wait! I’m not scared of you! I always (current T-shirt logo) no matter what the odds. I’ll see you in the ring at 11:00. After the big battle royal. You better be there!
EXT. Wrestling Ring - There’s a big battle royal with everyone we couldn’t fit on the show, and everyone we did. Everyone wins, except for Daniel Bryan. A clock on the Titantron counts down to 11:00. Cue Brock Lesnar’s theme song. Brock Lesnar comes to the ring. All the other entertainmentsers gather around ringside to watch. Long pause. Cue John Cena’s theme song. John Cena comes down to the ring.
Brock Lesnar and John Cena stare each other down for five minutes. Then Lesnar punches Cena in the face, turns him upside down, and plants him headfirst into the ring. Like his head actually goes through the ring, so he doesn’t actually fall down, he’s just planted upright with his legs in the air like a flagpole. Then Brock Lesnar takes off his T-shirt and ties it around John Cena’s leg. Then Brock Lesnar salutes it. Cue Brock Lesnar’s theme song and fade out.
And that is the script I’ve written that would roughly make up the greatest episode of RAW ever created. Let’s be honest here. Is that really an exaggeration? You’d all lose your minds writing about that for years. It would be a must on future DVD sets. For Wrestlemania, John Cena can still go into his match with The Rock. Brock Lesnar can beat the shit out of Triple H. That would be funny. CM Punk and Jericho can fight. Those guys can be the ‘good match’ to cover the whole ‘wrestling’ part of the show. Undertaker can fight all the leftover guys from Nexus maybe. Really pad that win streak. That sounds like a fun card.
That’s it for me this week. Would you enjoy this show? Are you crazy and somehow don’t think this script would make for a good show? Do you just want to curse at me? Leave a comment and keep on FIST PUMPING like a champ!