What’s up, docs? Last week I was unfortunately denied interface with this crazy thing you kids call the ‘intrawebz’ and so I was not able to regale you with one of my incredibly childish columns, most likely suggesting that Wrestlemania this year should steal the plot to the movie Diggstown. A movie I’m sure you’ve never seen. There were twenty one matches scheduled. You would have loved it.
This week I’m going to be dicussing World Wrestling Entertainment’s farting girl. But first I’m going to discuss some other things. Like the fact I barely even watch wrestling anymore. If I had I would have written about this farting girl sooner. I did watch some Total Nonstop Action action with Blair this Sunday, and I saw some of RAW yesterday. It’s the first I’ve seen in a while, so why not talk about them?
I can’t stand TNA. But the Against All Odds show wasn’t too bad. I think alot of reviewers slept on the Austin Aries-Alex Shelley match and drastically underrated it. That is the kind of match that should be the main event of the show. An Aries-Shelley feud leading up to maybe a big showdown with Aries and AJ Styles or Aries and Samoa Joe would make for some fun television. It seemed like most people felt the show was good except for the last two matches. I think if they are going to have Hulk Hogan on, that was a good use for him. He wasn’t interfereing with the main event title scene, but was still in a prominent spot on the show for fans that want to see him. You sort of know ahead of time it’s about seeing Hogan and not a great wrestling match, so it’s a good place to cool things down and set up a great match afterwards. Having Aries and Shelley battling over their world title after that Hogan-Bischoff thing would have been perfect.
Instead they had a mix of tag team wrestlers pretending to be heavyweight champions. It was sad and confusing. I don’t see why the tag team division can’t be a main event feature. People like tag teams right? Wouldn’t The Dudley Boys, The Hardy Boys, Beer Money, LAX, Generation Me, those weird mohawk guys, The British Invasion, and an eventual returning Motor City Machine Guns make a great tag division? I also don’t see why these guys seem to mess up the ending of every main event. Once again they do a screwy finish that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Jeff Hardy is a flake, but even if you aren’t fans you can probably agree Bobby Roode, James Storm, and Bubba Ray have been working really hard these past few months. And what finish was planned for them? Well they introduce Sting as an enforcer, which I assume means he was supposed to make sure a main event in TNA finally had a clean finish. I don’t think he could have failed at his job any worse than he did. I mean…I guess Sting could have accidentally set the ring on fire. I don’t know. TNA is crazy.
I thought the whole love triangle thing with John Cena, Zack Ryder, and Zack Ryder’s not-his-girlfriend was hilarious. I’m sure that was planned to be about John Cena and his hate embracing, but to me it was about making Zack Ryder feel like complete shit. The guy is in a wheelchair AND crutches at the same time somehow with an added neckbrace for extra effect. And John Cena doesn’t have a scratch on him. Then he has to see the lady he thought was his girlfriend trying to get into the pants of unstoppable Cena, the guy not in a wheelchair with crutches and neck braces. Then the girl in an attempt to apologize, tells Ryder that she just wants to be his friend and she’s still probably going to try to get Cena to lick her giant boobs. If Kane didn’t wheel him off the side of the stage, I’m pretty sure Ryder would have wheeled himself right off a cliff. Next week I think Cena should have sex with this girl in Ryder’s hospital room.
Speaking of emotional cruelty, why is WWE making this girl Natalya fart uncontrollably as part of her character? And why haven’t I heard about this sooner? Apparently this has been going on for weeks. Watch this…
Now if you are an insane and demented individual such as myself, then I already know the question you are asking. Was that a FART or a QUEEF? I’m going to say FART, considering her surprise and embarassment, whereas with a QUEEF I think she’d be more aware of and even somewhat proud. So not only does she just let out random farts, but they must be incredibly foul and possibly somewhat toxic. Teddy Long and his mistress cleared out of there quickly, but Santino seemed to be in real pain. To make the situation worse, Natalya also runs away in terror after she farts. Have you ever seen anyone do that? It’s embarassing sure, but that seems like some odd anti-social behavior.
How could they make Natalya feel worse? Obviously her farts cause people to vomit. Is this going to carry over to her matches? Like are we going to see a match where she just stops and runs out of the ring, and then her opponent and the referee start throwing up at ringside? Sadly, I don’t even think WWE is punishing her. I think whoever came up with this idea thinks this thing is completely hilarious and she’s lucky to do it. The writers for WWE are insane. At least her farts aren’t killing people.
Oh, come on now! That’s just cruel. Maybe if it was a guy, then it would be not really funny in a sort of immature kind of way. But Natalya seems like a lovely girl, and I can’t imagine she wants to be known as that girl that can kill a midget with her farts. On the TNA Against All Odds show, they had a match with two girls. The story of the match was the two girls fucking hated each other. They didn’t fart or queef or piss themselves or anything weird. They were just mean chicks who wanted to beat each other up. Isn’t that enough?
Are you into the farting girl? Do you see any possible payoff here besides trying to drive this girl to having a nervous breakdown? Something burning deep inside that you just have to get off of your chest? Then leave a comment below. I’ll be back next week. Keep those FISTS PUMPING!