The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12
LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.
Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania. Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best. He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts. Whoa, dig the STAR POWER. Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts. Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.
Sheamus v. The Miz
Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break. We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms. Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him. Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline. Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline. Backbreaker gets two. Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick. Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however. I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden. Fine TV match. **1/2 Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.
Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt. So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight. Oh, burn.
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger
Must suck to be the Usos. WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars. Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps. Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43. I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.
Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on. By the sock. Yeah. Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.
The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre
Still not fired, I see. Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam. This McIntyre storyline makes no sense. So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired. So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses. So what was the point?
Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes. They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?
Big Show v. Mark Henry
Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal. Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over. Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk. Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts. For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21. And he turns around into a slam and splash for two. Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries. Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced. What the fuck kind of finish was that? *1/2
Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga
As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious. And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business. Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then. Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash. Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14. So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time. ½* I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.
Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.
Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk
We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign. Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something. Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania! They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie. That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true. We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses. Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further. By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms. It joins “building momentum” among many others. Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again. Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold. Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it. That was just sloppy. Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring. Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42. BUT WAIT! Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE. He’s got a point. So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32. BUT WAIT! Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE. Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two. Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two. Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two. Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two. Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt. Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29. However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either. Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside. At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, great match, STUPID ending. These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan. ****
This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.