Ring of Honor Wrestling TV Report for 3.3.12 (plus Retorting Blair A. Douglas on John Cena vs. The Rock)
by Jack Newbury on March 4, 2012

Man, that Blair dude is all sorts of bent out of shape over The Rock, ain’t he? The lad seems to be taking it personal that The Rock sucked this past week, no? Blair, here’s the thing…this John Cena guy? He’s building to what’s known as a wrestling match. So, when he says he’s not leaving for Hollywood, don’t get all bent out of shape with this “if he could, he would” nonsense. Next thing you know Blair’s going to be all, “Yeah, it was cool that the Cold War basically died when Rocky Balboa gave the ‘if I can change, then you change’ speech after defeating Ivan Drago, but, I think it was silly because really, those aren’t proper diplomatic channels.”

 Ring of Honor Wrestling

March 3rd, 2012

Hello, folks. Jack Newbury back up in this motherfucker with a Ring of Honor Television Review. It’s been a long time for one of these ROH reviews. I found out my town was getting the ROH show, so I stopped watching it on the internet. Does that make sense? No, probably not. Plus, it was sometimes a chore to watch. I’m also writing for a new blog, now, spinebuster.com, as well.

We open with The Prodigy Mike Bennett…cutting a promo for March 30th’s iPPV against Lance Storm. Awesome. Hey, iPPV to sell tomorrow, let’s hype an iPPV in four weeks. TJ Perkins then talks, apparently these dudes are in a match. Some guy is in the audience dressed as Jushin Liger. You know, Shinjiro Ootani got hired by New Japan Wrestling because he dressed up as Liger to attend shows. I learned that watching Ohtani against Eddie Guerrero from Starrcade ’95 yesterday. Maybe this guy will get a job that way as well?

Unless, of course, that is actually Jushin Liger just kicking it at an ROH TV Taping…

TJ Perkins vs. Mike Bennett

Perkins has a new submission hold that Kelly and Nigel are on the look out for. Dudes in ROH bust out new submissions like 18 times a minute. They just don’t make coherent matches with the new submissions all the time.

Perkins takes a crafty advantage by hanging in the ropes and some such, until Bennett and company work the numbers game with Maria Kanellis and Brutal Bob to work some distraction on Perkins. Bennett takes an advantage…and Kelly says this show has major implications for the Showdown in the Sun iPPVs…in four weeks. Fortunately, a TJP dive to Bennett and Bob seems to work Kelly’s memory as he finally mentions that you can actually purchase an iPPV tomorrow.

TJP’s new submission was something like an STF. Maria distraction, and Bennett hits some move and gets the win. Bennett is pretty lousy, eh? Solid gimmick, but, I’m not necessarily sure he’s the guy to make it work as he just seems so bland and does nothing to stand out.

Jay Lethal rolls in to speak with Kevin Kelly after a commercial break to talk about The Embassy and how he is adding notches to his belt. I guess he’s losing weight. The Embassy gets some face time, and they’re actually promoting the iPPV now.

Tomasso Ciampa apparently has an undefeated streak. Who’s Next?!?!

I definitely wouldn’t mind a drunken Scott Hall picking up a payday to taser Ciampa at the iPPV, though.

Some dude named “GUY ALEXANDER” is in the ring…and the poodle sounding undefeated mini-Goldberg is coming to the ring. I wonder who is going to win?!

At least toss in a spear, my man.

But, this was a fine squash, actually. Alexander got no offense in…which seems like it doesn’t need to get mentioned…but, ROH hasn’t exactly shown an ability to let sqaushes be squashes. Ciampa had a nice series of ramming Guy’s back from ring apron to guardrail. He targeted the back in this one, apparently Guy was fresh off back surgery. Either that, or the Saints coach put a bounty on it.

Ciampa wins this with a series of knees in the corner instead of a finishing move, which was also good.

“It’s the Weekend of Young Wolves Rising!” Kevin Kelly says, immediately making me regret that I’ve already purchased the iPPV. Who the fuck approved that subtitle?

They give the CHIKARA feud some dap, saying they’ll be at Showdown in the Sun or some such. They then call Final Battle 2011 the biggest show in ROH history. Even Tony Schiavone just said, c’mon man!

Roderick Strong against Eddie Edwards, apparently in a match to determine who goes against Davey Richards. Uh, can we get someone else in the match who is not either of these guys?

There’s a lot of time left in the show, so, I’m rather nervous.

Nick Cannon is going to be on Good Morning America, Monday. Just in case ya’ll wanted that info, as we get our first commercial break. Not spectacular, not as terrible as it could be. Strong looked like he may turn up an advantage working Eddie’s left leg, but, that didn’t seem sustained.

Davey Richards interview to hype the Wrestlemania iPPVs during the break. Looks like his interview quality dipped a bit because he had to struggle between finding the right Affliction shirt to rock.

Kelly says there was tremendous action during the break. I KNOW…Jushin Liger dude is ON. HIS. FEET.

Strong’s moved on to work the midsection, backbreaker on the apron, some kind of submission by the turnbuckle, seated abdominal stretch, of Eddie as well as posing. Rest assured, Eddie Edwards fires back quickly.

Dudes throw out mad offense. Eventually Martini tries to get involved, Adam Cole comes out. Elgin comes out. Edwards with a dive onto Elgin. Strong puts something on his boot, sick kick and thankfully we’re not getting Edwards-Richards again…

BUT WAIT, another ref is coming out and says not so fast my friend. He saw the cheating. Edwards with a superkick and some move. The other ref counts as 3…without the match being re-started. So, the officials start barking at each other.

Kevin Kelly and Jim Cornette get in the mix. Cornette will get to the bottom of this!

The one thing we know for sure is that this is NOT doing a damn thing to sell TOMORROW’S (tonight’s) internet PPV…

Cornette just made the World Title match in Ft. Lauderdale a Triple Threat.

Davey Richards comes out and points at the end. His pointing suffered a bit because he couldn’t find the proper Affliction T-Shirt to rock and just had to wear some generic wrestling shirt.

And, we’re done.

Feel free to check out my Preview of tonight’s iPPV here. Hopefully The Rock will do better so Blair can get some sleep.

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Jack Newbury

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  • Berinox

    You really suck, no one whants your dum little jokes god get better at typing

  • Berinox

    the way you type and make stupid uncleaver genric tough guy comments, i wonder if you even like wrestling faggot

  • http://www.spinebuster.com/ Newbury

    I like wrestling fine. I just don’t like the vapid move-trading style that a lot of ROH guys go for these days.

    Plus, wasn’t I positive about the Ciampa squash?!

  • Sixheads2005

    @ Berinox. Epic attempt at trolling. A single run on sentence that contained multiple spelling errors, and capped off by telling the author that they should get better at typing? It doesn’t get much better than that. Kudos, good sir.

    @ Newbury: I liked the recap, and at this point I agree with your concern about the lack of story-telling in ROH these days.

    That’s why I actually quite Ciampa’s way of working a match, if only because it’s set up in such a way that the opponent is obligated to sell his offense for more than a minute at a time. I think he and Lethal could prove to be a decent match. Lethal *can* sell when he’s so inclined, and Ciampa’s offense is crisp enough to look like it could actually cause some damage.

    Plus the recap referenced Rocky IV, and you can never go wrong doing something like that. Well done!

  • CB40

    Did you really just tell someone to get better at typing and then proceed to mistype almost everything?

  • http://www.spinebuster.com/ Newbury

    Thanks, man.

    Yeah, I think Ciampa is the one guy I might be a bit unfairly harsh with from time to time. I wasn’t here, but, in the past I know I have been. I think he can work a match really well, but, sometimes he gets himself in trouble when he just tries to work too fast and kind of workrate heavy. The match tonight with Lethal, he really slowed down well and controlled the match. ROH needs more of that.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    Jackie Jackie Jackie. You know I love you, buddy. But that wasn’t what my article was about. No one is bent out of shape over Cena. The article was about the Starcades of the world, and their reactions to something that is, like you said, really pretty simple.

    Although I do love seeing my name on other articles. And it appears you have your very own Corey Yuen on here now! It’s like watching one of your kids graduate.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/JXSVUNIE5BGUIJSTUE3XZWGO2U Colin

    This is a terrible attempt at a “report”. Sloppily put together, no format, no match ratings, no match times, barely even an acknowledgement of who won the matches…this reads like a pretentious smark half watching a show while typing on his laptop and nothing else. You need alot of work dude.

  • Mike Gojira

    I’m sorry, but I’ve just GOT to chime in here.

    You’re calling Newbury a “faggot” and saying he must not like wrestling, a sport that involves sweaty, half-naked guysgrabbing one another with homoerotic implications. I don’t know what to make of that.

    This is like when Foxxxy called me a cocksucker for not agreeing with the homophobic ramblings of that idiot, Warrior.

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