The Martyrshow: At the Movies (WWE Studios, 20th Century Fox, The Marine III)
The thing I posted last week would’ve been aborted if I hadn’t forced myself into a hole. I’d asked the other writers which idea they preferred and nobody seemed to go wild for the Otunga article (I also let the deadline beat me into submission). Maybe it could’ve been saved by fleshing out some of the ideas and another re-structure, I’ll never know. My point was that the business doesn’t appreciate the people who helped build it and I really don’t think I made that clear. Today (and possibly next Monday) I have something a lot more light-hearted for you guys…
CB recently posted something about WWE green-lighting three new movies, with one of them being The Marine III. Why only three? Maybe it’s a budget thing, or maybe Fox has no faith in them after seeing That’s What I Am, Inside Out, Bending The Rules or The Reunion. WWE tend to put out 4 movies a year, so let’s have a guess at what the rest of the 2013 line-up will be…
- The Godson - Parody of The Godfather. With Santino as Michael Corleone, one of the Bella Twins as Connie Corleone, AJ Lee as Kay Adams, David Otunga as Tom Hagan and Bruno Sammartino as Don Vito.
- The Intercontinental Run - An ageing billionaire (Vince McMahon) holds a race from sea to shining sea in order to crown a new IC Champion. With HHH as Burt Reynolds, Ron Simmons as Sammy Davis Jr., John “Bradshaw” Layfield as Dean Martin, Pat Patterson as Roger Moore, Kelly Kelly as Farrah Fawcett and Jerry Lawler as Dom DeLuise.
I gave those ideas away in the comments of CB’s news post and I’m pretty sure Pulse will shit-can me if I end the article here, so how about:
- Revenge of the Nerds V: Nerds in the Ring - AJ Lee and mah boy D-Bry (right here!) beat the shit out of Michael Cole for 92 minutes.
- It’s a Conspiracy Theory - A straight remake of the 1997 movie, but with R-Truth in the leading role. I know it sounds like that took as little thought as possible, but this is like a warm-up for the Gibson remakes you’re about to learn about.
- Miz Treks: The Search for Riley - After the death of The Miz’s career, The RAW roster returns to Greenwich. When Miz learns that Alex Riley’s spot on the roster is that of Jobbing to NXT guys on Superstars, Miz and company steal the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night RAW, John Laurinaitis, in order to return Riley to his home brand. The crew must also contend with hostile SmackDown Superstars, led by Teddy Long, bent on stealing the secret of meaningful PPV buyrates.
- The Patriot - Just exactly how “All-American” is Jack Swagger? Find out as he attempts to liberate the US from those evil British bastards.
- Jimmy and the Gimmick Factory - Little Jimmy, a boy from Parts Unknown, wins a “candy bar” contest and is given a tour, along with four other children, of the amazing WWE gimmick factory run by the eccentric Vince McMahon and his staff of Hornswoggles.
- Mad Mason - Since the apocalypse, the lengthy, desolate stretches of highway in the Welsh moorlands have become bloodstained battlegrounds. Mason has seen too many innocents and fellow Superstars murdered by the bomb’s savage offspring, bestial marauding main-eventers for whom killing, rape, and shitting in handbags is a way of life.
- Friday After That - After returning to the hood he grew up in, Craig (Ice Cube) befriends a young wrestler (Evan Bourne) and wackiness ensues as the pair try to get high while dodging bullies, mid-carders and the occasional “Wellness” test.
- Bird on a Wire - Feature-length documentary about WWE’s first ever “Kelly Kelly on a Pole” match.
- Deep Throat III - Kelly Kelly biopic.
- Mad Mason II: The Road Warriors - In the post-apocalyptic Welsh moors, a cynical wrestler agrees to help a small, talent-rich promotion escape the wrath of Hawk, Animal, Ax, Smash, Crush, The Warlord and The Barbarian.
- The Gainesville Kid - The story of a young poker player who comes to 90′s Texas to face the best player of the country, the one known as “The Snake”. The Snake has been the master of the game for many years now and our hero thinks it is time for him to take his place, but he believes he can do so without the help a shady promoter offers.
- Jay Lethal’s Weapon - Terry Funk has just turned 80, and only has a few more years to go before he retires from the wrestling business. Jay Lethal has just lost his wife in an accident, and doesn’t care if he lives or dies. Funk has problems with Lethal’s suicidal attitude towards work when they are paired together to investigate a drugs baron dubbed “The Barber”.
- Am I Fucking Going Over the Top? - Hunter Helmsley is a struggling jobber who’s trying to rebuild his life. After the death of his wife, he tries to make amends with his son who he left behind years earlier. Upon their first meeting, his son doesn’t think too highly of him until he enters the nationwide Royal Rumble wrestling competition in Greenwich, Connecticut.
- Ransom - The year is 1983 and Verne Gagne is a successful wrestling promoter. He has it all; a happy family, success and wealth. One day during a conference at Meadowlands, his son goes missing. By the time he arrives home, he receives a video-taped message of his son, who has been kidnapped. He is willing to pay the ransom, but he calls the NWA in secret. However, when the drop goes bad, Verne tries another tactic against the criminals: using the money as a bounty on their heads.
- A.S.K. Ric Flair - The story of four horsemen from a different strata of society, all leading their own versions of everyday lives and each with problems that are uncommon among normal people. One thing is common to all four – each has decided to vent out their life’s anger and frustrations in their own unique, creative ways, and that’s why they have been selected from a number of nationwide applicants to take part in an elite, secret competition. They are oriented to the rules of the competition at an unlikely location by the mysterious Duthty Rhodes, a man with a preacher’s passion but a conman’s guile. Who is Duthty? What is this secretive competition? And what is the common passion that ties these four disparate horsemen together?
- Mad Mason III: Beyond Elimination Chamber - About 15 years after the events of Mad Mason 2, nuclear war has finally destroyed what little was left of civilization. Mason soon winds up on Monday Night Raw, a cesspool of post-apocalyptic capitalism powered by methane-rich Neidhart manure and overseen by two competing overlords, Vince McMahon and Hornswoggle, a crafty midget who rides around on the back of his hulking underling, Sheamus.
- Monday Night Wars - Set “a long time ago on a cable station that no-longer exists”, the film follows a group of freedom fighters known as WCW as they plot to destroy the powerful World Wrestling Federation, a devastating weapon created by the evil Vince McMahon. This conflict disrupts the isolated life of farmboy Eric Bischoff when he inadvertently acquires two main-eventers carrying stolen plans to the In Your House PPVs, a bag of Somas and an incredible amount of steroids. After the WWF begins a cruel and destructive search for the ‘roids, Bischoff decides to accompany Hulk Hogan on a daring mission to rescue the owner of the ‘roids, a rebellious barber named Brutus.
I gotta go and help the ROH guys find El Generico, but be sure to check Pulse next week for the thrilling conclusion.
Think my ideas are fantastic? Contact Tom Rothman immediately.
Think you can do better? Post your own ideas for WWE movies in the comments section.
Tags: aj lee, Alex Riley, ask ric flair, Brutus Beefcake, Daniel Bryan, Dusty Rhodes, El Generico, Eric Bischoff, evan bourne, HHH, Hornswoggle, Hulk Hogan, jack swagger, Jake the Snake Roberts, Jay Lethal, Kelly Kelly, Little Jimmy, martyrshow, mason ryan, natalya neidhart, R-Truth, Ring of Honor, Road Warriors, Santino Marella, sheamus, terry funk, the marine 3, The Miz, triple h, Vern Gagne, vince mcmahon, WCW, WWE, wwe studios