The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.05.12
Live from Boston, MA
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler. Your GM tonight is TEDDY LONG! Get on Twitter RIGHT NOW and get it trending! Think of all the exciting matches we’ll get!
Shawn Michaels starts us out, and he’s just giddy to talk to HHH and find out why he finally accepted Undertaker’s challenge. Shawn gives him some good-hearted mocking for his corporate “Undertaker is a brand” speech and points out that HHH was an unbreakable oak tree, but finally cracked. So Shawn cues up the video footage of Undertaker accusing HHH of being jealous of Shawn. Shawn is SHOCKED and APPALLED that the worst thing anyone could say to HHH is that Shawn is better. So HHH tries to mend fences by noting that Shawn is the greatest performer of all-time, and that’s why it kills him to think of Shawn as a loser. So he’s gonna end the streak for SHAWN. That’s quite the backhanded compliment. Shawn is all “Well, gee, thanks, but you’re a loser too” with some awesome delivery, and he announces that he’s the special referee for the match, and therefore he knows who will win this year. I could watch these two cut promos on each other all day.
US Title: Jack Swagger v. Santino
Nothing but the highest competition for Swagger, I see. Santino slugs away while Johnny Ace and Otunga join us at ringside, and it’s an immediate Cobra attempt. Ziggler breaks that up and the Doctorbomb gets two. And now it’s Teddy Long and Kofi Kingston for some reason. And we take a break. Back with Swagger missing the pump splash while the GMs argue, and Ziggler clobbers him again. Santino cobras Ziggler and threatens Vickie, but that allows Swagger to get the anklelock. Santino taps behind the ref’s back, but reverses into the rollup for the title at 5:24. Big pop for that, although the match was a bunch of Vince Russo bullshit. ½* So for those waiting for Zack Ryder to get his win back on Swagger, you’re pretty much out of luck. I’m glad to see Santino rewarded for his efforts as of late, though. But really, if we’re not bothering to distinguish between the rosters anymore, they need to shitcan the US title because it does nothing for anyone and just waters down the other titles even further. Given Santino’s doing nothing at Wrestlemania anyway, they should just have Cody beat him to unify the belts and be done with it.
Earlier today, the Rock has come back to Boston. He gives a history lesson about the Boston Tea Party, and relates to his current feud by throwing John Cena’s merchandise into the Boston Harbor. Rock busting on John Cena cologne and JOHN CENA GARDEN GNOMES (“The guy who owns this is 40 years old and a virgin.”) is hilarious.
Alicia Fox v. Eve Torres
Here’s the WWE in a nutshell: Kelly Kelly is doing commentary, and Michael Cole immediately asks her about the problems she’s having with Eve. Jerry Lawler cuts her off and says “No one cares about Eve, we care about the Nickelodeon Kid’s Awards where you’re nominated for Buttkicker of the Year!” So yes, they are more concerned with plugging someone else’s awards show in hopes of getting mainstream press than they are with actually bothering to put their own storylines over. Even shorter than usual as Fox misses a charge and Eve legsweeps and pins her at 0:30. And now Zack Ryder returns with his new ho-skis catchphrase and leaves again. Great, now he’s feuding with Eve.
Meanwhile, Eve puts the moves on Zack and of course he believes it because he’s a moron in addition to being a loser and coward.
Earlier today, John Cena cuts a promo on Rock in an empty arena. Although even with only one person in the stands, that makes him a bigger draw than Kevin Nash. Another good promo from Cena, although he’s back on the “This is my legacy” crap that everyone talks about ad infinitum already. But again, the focus is on two guys who both want to win so they can be the best, and that’s OK with me.
Daniel Bryan & Chris Jericho v. CM Punk & Sheamus
I really, REALLY dislike this. There’s absolutely no need for these guys to be interacting before Wrestlemania because then it becomes just another match. Punk starts with Jericho and throws the armdrags until Jericho tags out. So Sheamus comes in and pounds Bryan, into a clothesline for two. Punk comes in with an atomic drop and back kick, and we take a break. Back with Jericho holding a chinlock on Punk and hitting a sideslam for two. Sheamus gets a hottish tag and hits the backbreaker on Jericho for two, but he gets dumped and wiped out by Bryan on the floor. Back in, Sheamus is face-in-peril as this just dies off for some reason. Jericho goes to a chinlock, but Sheamus flings him knee-first into the turnbuckles and that looked like a really dangerous bump. Back to Punk and he runs wild on Bryan with the Macho Elbow for two. Rollup gets two and it’s BONZO GONZO, leading to Jericho reversing a small package on Punk for the pin at 12:49. This whole thing was a really bad idea, because it makes the title matches seem less special, especially when the match is as disappointing as this one was. **1/4
Earlier today, Rock gives a history lesson about Paul Revere, and notes that if John Cena was leading the ride we’d all be British today. Rock would invent a time machine and go back to 1776 and kick Cena’s ass and SAVE AMERICA. He’s 25% black, 25% Samoan, and 50% Clydesdale. What a wonderfully coked out promo, the kind of off-the-cuff insanity you just don’t get anymore. Did nothing for the program, but I’ve long been a fan of vintage 80s craziness like this.
Big Show v. The Miz
Cody interrupts before the match with another Big Show Wrestlemania moment: Big Show absent from Wrestlemania 18 and eating at WWF New York. Why WASN’T he at Wrestlemania that year? You’d think he could be booked against Nash. Show is so pissed that he squashes Miz in 23 seconds with the spear and KO punch. Uh oh, I wouldn’t check WWE.com tomorrow if I was the Miz. Either they’re getting him TV to reheat him, or he’d better start submitting his resume to reality TV shows again.
Earlier today, The Rock wraps up his history lessons and notes that the Rock Revolution and further hypes his impending confrontation with Cena tonight.
R-Truth v. Kane
Kane beats on Truth, shrugs off the comeback, and pins him with the chokeslam at 1:30. This brings out Randy Orton to lay out Kane with the RKO. They’ve been really good the past few weeks, but stuff like this is their usual nonsense where they beat their midcarders like nothing instead of using NXT geeks, and not to mention the 50/50 nonsense where Kane and Orton trade beatdowns. If they want to rehabilitate Kane into a bigtime monster again, they should just keep him off weekly TV and only have wrestle in PPV main events, like he did against Cena. Instead, now he’s just another midcard guy trading advantages with Orton.
John Cena joins us for our main event interview and busts on Rock for being obsessed with his penis and bragging about all the women he’s had sex with. That’s why the Rock is awesome. Cena continues his self-deprecating humor, noting that he came out for an interview wearing kneepads, but Rock was more foolish last week when he got shaken up by the wrist notes line. Rock joins us to reaffirm that his confidence level has never been higher, and Cena’s place in history will be as the Rock’s bitch. Boom, drop the mic, leave. Cena gives his rebuttal and we’re out.
Definitely not as good as the past couple of weeks, with once again a great open, great close, and a bunch of bullshit in the middle. The Rock’s first history lesson was great, but they should have left it at that. Rock in small doses is great, but Rock all over the show is gonna turn him into just another non-drawing goofball, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the exercise. They still haven’t convinced me NOT to order Wrestlemania, though, so that’s a victory in my books.