Back to the old format as Kelly joins me for the Smackdown before Wrestlemania….which means a couple of Raw dark matches interspersed with Fan Axxess shit and video packages to promote the PPV. Meh; we’ll try to keep this as interesting as possible.
Zack Ryder vs Drew McIntyre
Mike: Welcome back to another thrilling edition of….oh, who am I kidding? This show is meaningless.
Kelly: Especially tonight. I’m having flashbacks of my rage from last year’s episode.
Mike: I have a special guest lying on my couch: Mr. Pulse Glazer!
Kelly: Hey, this recap is not a spectator sport.
Mike: Well, regardless, he’ll be throwing in a few thoughts. Hey, it’s my boy Drew McIntyre facing Zack Ryder!
Kelly: Not too shabby. Bell rings, and they begin.
Mike: This is the match to decide whose career is the bigger waste of time.
Kelly: Both had a bit of promise for about eight seconds, but now it’s kind of difficult to care.
Mike: Glazer sez: “These two are proof that anyone can be interchangeable cannon fodder. McIntyre got a huge push and nothing came of it, and Ryder was depushed and made a name for himself. Now look at them.”
Kelly: I missed quite a bit of Raw and Smackdown while I was sick…what happened to Ryder? I thought they were beginning to acknowledge his existence?
Mike: Ryder is now Eve’s play thing and he’s too stupid to realize it.
Kelly: Bitches be crazy.
Mike: Yes, you are. Uh oh, Broski Boot!
Kelly: The match heated up for a moment, but it’s slowed back down now. Just kidding.
Mike: Rough Ryder ends it and no one cares.
Kelly: Kind of lost steam before a sudden victory, but oh well.
Mike: Coming up next: a recap of the Hell in a Cell feud.
Kelly: Oh boy. And so it begins.
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are at the podium in Miami during Fan Axxess. We then get the video package for Hell in a Cell that we saw on Raw.
Mike: Michael Cole and Lawler are at Miami’s Axxess dealie.
Kelly: Because I’m dying to see the same set up they’ve had for years on television.
Mike: Hey, the Undertaker Graveyard was pretty cool when I went there.
Kelly: I skipped the whole deal when they were in Arizona. Instead I hung out at Armando Estrada’s restaurant and met quite a few Superstars.
Mike: Glazer thinks they’ll put Sheamus/Bryan between the Hell in a Cell and Rock/Cena.
Mike: That would be terrible for those guys.
Kelly: Yeah, I feel like that one is camping out in the shadow of the other two, which is a damn shame.
After a commercial break, we get more Axxess footage. This time, it’s the case that holds the WWE titles of the past.
Mike: We’re back at Fan Axxess. Well, not us.
Kelly: OH MY GOSH THE BFF WOMEN’S CHAMP BELT FROM LAYCOOL! Be still, my heart.
Mike: This is me caring.
Kelly: Be nice. Or I’m out. I’m too hungover for this, anyway.
Mike: Maria Menounos is hot.
Kelly: You have the weirdest taste in women.
Mike: How’s that?
Kelly: Maria. AJ. Rosa. Glazer.
Mike: Glazer’s flattered.
Mike: There was a Brahma Bull title belt?!
Kelly: I want to say so much about this gigantic waste of TV air time, but that would be rather negative, yes?
Mike: Yes, and we’re supposed to be positive. I mean, if it weren’t for you returning, this recap of mine would be two paragraphs long.
Kelly: Well, the video packages ARE lovely. No sarcasm.
Mike: But we’re going to see these EXACT SAME videos tomorrow night. Regardless, I’m really looking forward to Jericho/Punk.
Kelly: I am too, I was just saying that to my house guest. I’m really, really looking forward to it.
Mike: Holy crap, this is a difficult show to watch. How the fuck am I supposed to recap a clip show?
Kelly: Just a quick word to the readers, we’re not just bullshitting and wasting time. There hasn’t been a match to cover since McIntyre/Ryder. Just so you know!
Mike: Now we have a recap of Team Teddy vs Team Johnny.
Kelly: I like the Cobra. That’s all I can say.
Mike: It’s the most absurd thing since the People’s Elbow.
Kelly: I was kind of interested in Mister Johnny when he was kind of sort of a little bit involved with Punk. How did we get from that, to this?
Mike: Because Laurinaitis has no charisma. He’s not believable as a ruthless heel authority figure.
Kelly: Well, Long isn’t really believable as an authority figure, period. So it balances out.
Kelly: I’d sell my soul for a match that hasn’t already aired.
Mike: I’d sell my soul for a donut. I’d rather watch TNA.
Kelly: Thank god there was an FSW show last night. I’m replaying the main event in my head as I watch this.
Mike: As Booker T lays out Mark Henry in the Raw recap, Glazer says, “poor Mark Henry,” and I’m inclined to agree.
Kelly: Not touching that one.
Mike: You’ve never said that before.
Kelly: I can always start.
Mike: Then you’d have BOTH hands free.
Kelly: Annnnyway…moving on.
We’re back with a Big Show in-ring promo.
Kelly: Oh shit, now I have to relinquish my soul. We get a match, I do believe.
Mike: Can we really call this a match?
Kelly: Who cares. It’s no Axxess.
Mike: Only Orton has Axxess, right? To your vagina, I mean.
Kelly: We’ve been over this. I don’t like synthetic brown. It has to be authentic.
Mike: Or battery-operated.
Kelly: Or both. Can’t hurt!
Mike: Depends on how large…
Kelly: Anyway. Wait, is this going to be a match, or is he just down for a chat?
Mike: Looks like your soul is safe.
Kelly: Good. Because I’ve already sold it for a cigarette in ninth grade.
Mike: Here comes Mr. Smug, Chris Jericho.
Kelly: My hero. I’m actually swooning.
Mike: Those are paint fumes.
Back at Axxess, we see some more cool stuff. After that, a Daniel Bryan/Sheamus video package.
Kelly: There is a…recording booth…to rap…Cena’s song…?
Mike: Michael Cole just proved that not every white guy can rap.
Kelly: Ah, there’s AJ for you, love.
Mike: Yup. SWOON.
Kelly: Damn. This swooning business is contagious.
Mike: Glazer sez: “Everyone thought Daniel Bryan was boring, but he knows what gets over.” I have to agree.
Kelly: Do you ever disagree with Glazer?
Mike: He says he’d have to be wrong for anyone to disagree with him…..Now we have to hear more commentary for Hell in a Cell.
Kelly: Again, I’ve missed a lot while I was healing. Is this the same video package they tend to play at least once every show until the match happens?
Mike: No, this was different.
Kelly: Well, that’s fresh then.
Chris Jericho vs Kofi Kingston
Mike: Yay! Jericho!
Kelly: Goosebumps every time.
Mike: Glazer says he doesn’t like Jericho. I chastised him.
Kelly: I don’t like Glazer.
Mike: He’s weeping in a fetal position. But not really.
Kelly: I’m fresh out of fucks to give, so, back to the match.
Mike: That’s right…we finally get a match!
Kelly: Second one in an hour and a half!
Mike: These two have been running the house show circuit for the past month. Guess who’s won EVERY encounter?
Kelly: Gee…I wonder.
Mike: I can’t hate on this match. We get Jericho in a match before Wrestlemania, which is something Raw can’t say.
Kelly: Why would you want to hate on it? I loves me some Jericho, and Kofi and I have a bond from past meetings, so this match is good in my book.
Mike: You visited him in Ghana?
Kelly: That was a bad one. Anyway, we’re back! Finally, some action!
Mike: Jericho baseball slides Kofi out of the ring. Kelly: Jericho introduces Kofi’s skull to the announce table.
Mike: Matt Striker thinks CM Punk is watching this somewhere, seething at the chance to get at Jericho. My guess is backstage.
Kelly: With Jericho dominating, it seems quite possible. Every time I mention which Superstar has the upper hand, the momentum shifts. What the dick.
Mike: What the dick indeed.
Kelly: Missed Trouble in Paradise.
Mike: Lionsault also missed!
Kelly: Kofi got his knees up on that one, tries TiP again but is caught…rolled into the Walls…
Mike: Lion Tamer.
Kelly: Oops. Not the Walls. And Kofi taps!
One final look at Axxess before we get the final staredown between Rock and Cena from Raw.
Mike: Oh cool, they have a Money in the Bank ladder climb! That wasn’t there three years ago.
Kelly: Now, that would be really cool.
Mike: We all know I would have won Money in the Bank.
Kelly: I’ve won plenty of times. Granted, it was on SvR11 and largely due to Gail Kim’s constant glitching, but I’m counting it.
Mike: Divas don’t climb ladders unless I force them to.Usually when they run in terror.
Kelly: Can you make The Rock run away in terror? Right now?
Mike: I could show him your pie.
Kelly: Where did the love go?
Mike: You left me for a whole month. This has been building.
Kelly: I was on my death bed.
Mike: Excuses. All my exes say that.
Kelly: I’m starting to see why.
Mike: That would hurt…if I had feelings.
Kelly: But you don’t, which is why we get along. Do we really need to show something that aired five days ago? I’m sure we all saw it…it’s the last Raw before ‘Mania. Shamon.
Mike: Glazer is nonplussed.
Kelly: Eh, why am I complaining? I’m watching this for the first time.
Mike: This is round two for me.
Mike: And we end things we an awkward face-off. Will they kiss? Does Dawson wind up with Joey? Will the Fraggles find Uncle Traveling Matt?
Kelly: They’ve been talking for about a decade.
Mike: Glazer sez: “We had two matches and one in-ring promo.”
Kelly: Welcome to the Smackdown before Wrestlemania. I expected nothing less.
Mike: Lowered expectations equals unexpected happiness. Except in this case. Any final thoughts?
Kelly: None whatsoever. Sunday will be better. I hope.
Mike: It HAS to be. Well, sorry for the boring proceedings, folks.
Kelly: Hope we made it at least a little interesting for you guys.
Mike: Next week we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled Smackdown. Until then, so long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: big show, Booker T, chris jericho, Daniel Bryan, Drew McIntyre, Hell in a Cell, Jerry Lawler, john cena, John Laurinaitis, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Raw, Smackdown, Teddy Long, The Rock, WrestleMania Fan Axxess, WrestleMania XXVIII, WWE, zack ryder