The soundtrack of this week’s episode is Enter the Haggis
I’m Chris, this is THE RAGER, this is my twitter account. I’m the most followed wrestling columnist in the world (an anticipatory statement, don’t make me a liar and follow me…or don’t, whatever).
Match 1: Daniel Bryan(c) vs Sheamus
Fact: Typing out this sentence took longer than this match (that’s suppose to be a dig at how short the match was but I’m actually a slow typer).
Fiction: The shortness of this match was a terrible thing.
Why: Because Daniel Bryan has played the weaselly bad guy this whole time and has slithered away (I know the animal descriptions don’t match, work with me) from match after match so it fits. The reason this isn’t detrimental to Daniel Bryan being over with the fans is…well..did you catch Monday Night RAW? The truth is that Daniel Bryan is more over than arguably anybody that doesn’t have a ‘rock’ in their name and the fact this might go against WWE’s intent is irrelevant because you don’t argue intent, you argue results. WWE is smart enough (a la summer of Punk) to go with the crowd reaction when the reaction is strong enough. I would suggest that Daniel Bryan stays a heel because he’s golden in that aspect (certainly better than his ‘aw shucks’ face days) but expect him to be a heel that’s going to get a ton of cheers and YES chants.
Match 2: Kane vs Randy Orton
Fact: This match wasn’t as bad/pointless as I originally thought and I’m glad Kane got the win (even though it screwed up my predictions pretty early).
Fiction: I gave a crap.
Why: Because there still wasn’t any interest or buildup and could have easily been a Smackdown main event. No, the match wasn’t terrible but that doesn’t make it WM worthy.
Match 3: Cody Rhodes(c) vs Big Show
Fact: Show winning and being the first to win every title in the company was a cool moment, sure.
Fiction: I was in no way still bitter about this match not being Cody vs Goldust.
Why: Because its Goldust…c’mon.
Match 4: Kelly Kelly and Maria Meningococcal vs Eve and Beth Pheonix
Face: It was a shame to have Beth lowered to such a match, let alone to have to come out to Eve’s music. She showed her shame by killing a large bird and wearing its feathers on her head (a la the albatross in The Rime of The Ancient Mariner).
Fiction: Maria Mega-Greek-Name had skid-marks are her pants.
Why: It was make-up from Eve’s man-face from the double stink face (or the double sweet face as Jerry Lawler put it). Yes, this was the only interest I had in the match and proves where my eyes were the whole time.
Match 5: The Undertaker vs HHH (Shawn Michaels as Special Ref)
Fact: This was one of the best storytelling matches I’ve ever witnessed.
Fiction: Since Undertaker looked so good, he should take off all year, every year and keep coming back to Mania.
Why: Originally, I was only going to discuss this match in my column but CB beat me to the punch and said basically everything I have to say about it and did it so very much better than I ever could. That being said, it would be a shame if Taker or HHH came back to wrestle after this (unless there was a guarantee that the ending would be better). Lets put it like this: JD had the perfect send off any character could have asked for in season 8 of Scrubs with the bed-sheet video and the Peter Gabriel song but it was all for naught when he came back for half of season 9. That’s right, we’re talking about Scrubs, wanna fight about it?
Match 6: Team Teddy vs Team Johnny
Fact: I dug Johnny’s Colonel Sanders suit.
Fiction: This match will change everything.
Why: I really had nothing to put into the Fiction section for this but I already committed to the motif. I thought this match was better than expected. There was minimal Khali and everyone else got their chance to shine while also furthering the Eve/Ryder story without bothering Cena. Team Johnny won like I predicted so hooray for that?
Match 7: CM Punk(c) vs Chris Jericho
Fact: I have no complaints about this match.
Fiction: This match was boring.
Why: Because Jericho was fantastic in his continuous antagonizing and Punk was brilliant. From a technical aspect, it was match of the night. What I loved about this is in a match where both men claim to be the best in the world, having it end in submission is a brilliant move because it forces one man to basically admit the other is better. Well played.
Match 8: Rock vs Cena
Fact: Both music guests made me want to dig my eye out with a spoon.
Fiction: This was a “passing of the torch” match.
Why: Because Rock won…duh. Which I predicted because Vince is such a big, fuzzy pander-bear and deny all logic and reason. It was a lazy ending that didn’t do the feud or the match itself any justice.
-Jericho pouring the alcohol on Punk was brilliant because it created more animosity between the two to carry them into Extreme Rules with more momentum. It wasn’t needed but it was a good luxury (plus it gave us this moment.
- I couldn’t have rolled my eyes harder during the Lord Tensai match. A-Train wasn’t really impressive years ago and nothing has changed. Don’t even take my word for it, the crowd that should go into the hall of fame as the best crowd ever couldn’t even muster up any excitement for it for the only time that night.
- A wild Brock appears, he uses F5. It’s super effective.
Through the entire weekend, there was a kid sitting front row at Wrestlemania and Raw wearing a green Cena shirt and a green Cena hat with black-rimmed glasses. That kid stood very firmly on who he was cheering for and he’s reactions were priceless. Thanks for that kid.
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
The Answer: This sign
Tags: Beth Pheonix, big show, Brock Lensar, chris jericho, chris sanders, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Eve Torres, HHH, john cena, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Kelly, Lord Tensai, randy orton, Raw, shawn michaels, sheamus, The Rager, The Rock, the undertaker, wrestlemania, WWE, zack ryder