The SmarKdown Rant – 04.10.12
Live from Hampton, VA.
Your hosts are Josh Matthews, Michael Cole and Booker T. Most of the roster is on the way to Moscow, so tonight is the Blast From The Past show, although there’s no cool set like for the Old School RAW show.
Mean Gene brings out Sheamus to start. He apologizes for attacking the referee last week, but this brings out Big Johnny. The replay of the incident reveals a weird logic from Michael Cole, as he notes that the ref believed that Sheamus laid out Del Rio with the chair, so he had to DQ him because “he can only call what he sees”. But he didn’t actually see it, so I’m left confused. Johnny makes Sheamus apologize to referees all over the world, but that’s not good enough for him, so if Sheamus ever touches another ref, he’s fired. And fined $500,000. So tonight, it’s Daniel Bryan & Alberto Del Rio v. Sheamus & Mean Gene.
Meanwhile, Randy Orton gets some advice from dad.
Randy Orton v. Mark Henry
The recap of last week before the match would suggest that in fact Kane v. Orton is not done yet. Slugfest in the corner to start, but Henry puts him down with a headbutt. Powerslam gets two and we take a break with Cowboy Bob looking on backstage. Back with Henry holding a neck vice, but Orton slugs out until Henry slams him and hits the big splash for two. Henry with an avalanche for two. Another splash attempt misses and Orton makes the comeback with a DDT for two. Henry bails to the apron, but suckers Orton into trying the draping DDT and sets up for the Slam. Orton escapes that and tries the RKO, but Henry tosses him and they brawl outside. Henry meets the post and Orton comes in to beat the count, but Kane appears on the screen for the Sports Entertainment Finish at 9:13. Just a match. ** So yes, the Kane feud MUST CONTINUE. And Kane has attacked Bob Orton, so Randy runs backstage and gets ambushed like an idiot.
Moments Ago: Stuff we just saw happen.
Benny Camer v. RyBack
The legends look on at the jobber before the match and celebrate that it’ll be a “good old fashioned squash match.” This is the best use for the Blast From The Past theme they can think of? RyBack destroys the jobber with a clothesline and finishes with the muscle buster at 0:35. Nothing squash, but the clothesline sell was epic.
Meanwhile, Heath Slater recruits Tyson Kidd to be his tag partner against the Usos. Managed by Jimmy Hart.
Heath Slater & Tyson Kid v. The Usos
Tyson slingshots in with a nice rollup on Jimmy, but Slater kicks him out of the ring and hits a rebound neckbreaker himself, for two. Slater with the chinlock while Jimmy Hart annoys Mick Foley at ringside. Jey comes in with a butt splash in the corner for two and they get rid of Kidd, but Foley goes after Jimmy Hart, thus distracting Slater and allowing the Usos to finish with the flying splash at 2:33. This was just a backdrop for the Mick-Jimmy comedy routine. *
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is out for Piper’s Pit, with special guest Daniel Bryan. This crowd is a bit more receptive to the heel persona, as they chant “18 seconds” at him. Bryan announces that he’s got a title shot at Extreme Rules, a 2/3 falls match. Thank god they backed off the Del Rio plan. Piper brings out AJ, who is still defending him and thinks he’s a good person. Deep down. And it was all her fault. Piper plays therapist and tries to build her up again, but Bryan orders her to leave again if she really loves him. And so she does. Piper’s not done with him, though. He informs Bryan that real men don’t tell women to shut up or use them as human shields. I’m pretty sure Piper did both of those things in the 80s, more than once. Piper is looking forward to seeing Bryan lose twice at the PPV, so Bryan slaps him and leaves. Glad to see the crowd actually reacting how they wanted so they didn’t have to freak out any further.
Drew McIntyre & The Bella Twins v. The Great Khali, Natalya & Alicia Fox
This has to be a rib on everyone, right? Drew immediately walks out of the match, leaving Fox to pin a Bella with a suplex at 0:52. And then Mae Young comes out and dances and kisses Khali.
Damien Sandow once again educates us on sophistication.
Meanwhile, Sheamus is pretty sure that he’s not winning tonight, but he’s just in it for the fight anyway. Drinks are on him either way.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Hunico
Duggan slugs him out of the ring right away and brings out Sgt. Slaughter to even things up, but then uses the 2×4 and gets disqualified. No match. None of this got over.
Cody Rhodes comes out to cut a promo, but Dusty Rhodes interrupts. He looks like hell. Cody is immediately embarrassed by his dad and goes to leave, but Big Show interrupts. Oh great, is Cody going to job to Big Dust now, too? Show’s embarrassing moment this week: Dashing Cody Rhodes applying lip balm. No way, Dashing Cody was awesome. And Cody just leaves while Dusty sort of dances. Another segment that was total death with no point.
Alberto Del Rio & Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus & Mean Gene Okerlund
I’ve only got 10 minutes left on my DVR and I’m ready for this show to end, so hopefully they wrap this up quickly. The babyfaces get Howard Finkel to introduce them. Del Rio slugs it out with Sheamus to start and the heels work Sheamus over, until he gets dumped and Gene is forced to come into the match. The heels surround him, but the other legends run out and make the save, allowing Sheamus to pin Bryan yet again with the kick at 3:30. Again, not really a match. And then everyone beats up on poor Roberto for some reason. And then when everyone is posing, Michael Cole comes in to wrap things up, and he gets punched out too. OK then.
Well that was…uh…something. If you were expecting Old School RAW Part 2, you sure didn’t get it. In fact it was probably one of the worst wrestling shows I’ve seen in years, with none of this stuff getting over in the least. Not to mention the whole point was supposed to be promoting Legends House and they didn’t even say if, when or where it was going to air on TV at any point. Just a massive disappointment given that I was pretty excited to see this leading into it.