Liacouras Center – Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – April 19, 2009
MATCH #1: Xscape Match for the X Division Championship – Suicide vs. Jay Lethal vs. Kiyoshi vs. Consequences Creed vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir
Suicide has been the champion since 3.15.09 and this is his second defense. This match is elimination by pinfall or submission until it’s down to two men, and then it’s escape rules. Suicide doesn’t even take his belt off before starting the match with a dropkick, and it’s fast-paced action from the get-go. We wind up with Suicide and Kiyoshi going at it in the center of the ring. Bashir tries to help his partner, and Lethal Consequences recover and hit simultaneous dropkicks. They hit a double-team face plant on Bashir, and then shift their attention to the champ. After taking both of them out, they focus on Kiyoshi. Lethal then hits the top rope elbow drop to eliminate Kiyoshi at 3:15. Lethal Consequences still have control of the match, double-teaming both remaining opponents. Bashir is able to sneak in an advantage and hits the WMDDT on Creed to eliminate him at 5:12. Well that eliminates the tag team element of this match. Bashir and Lethal battle while Suicide is down in the corner. Speaking of the champion, he recovers and goes after Lethal. He tries a Samoan Drop but Lethal reverses to a crucifix for two. Lethal also gets an O’Connor Roll for two, and then Suicide levels him with a clothesline for a two-count. Black Machismo recovers and tries an Asai moonsault but misses, allowing Suicide to hit the Suicide Solution. Bashir takes Suicide out and steals the pin to eliminate Lethal at 7:53. The remaining challenger is in control, and almost escapes the cage out of an Irish whip. He took out a camera man instead. They go up top and Bashir hits a belly-to-back superplex. Bashir goes for the WMDDT but Suicide avoids it and drive’s Bashir’s face into the turnbuckles. Suicide climbs to the top of the cage and Bashir meets him up there. They trade punches and chops, and Suicide knocks Bashir down with a headbutt. Kiyoshi returns to try and stop Suicide from climbing down, but security drags him down. Suicide takes a huge risk by leaping off the top of the cage to wipe out Kiyoshi and the security, and in the process wins the match and retains the title at 11:37. While they still haven’t topped the first Xscape match, this one was fun enough and I liked the finish.
MATCH #2: Queen of the Cage – ODB vs. Madison Rayne vs. Daffney vs. Sojo Bolt
No special rules to this one, just a regular four-way. ODB is accompanied by Cody Deaner. Bolt pairs off with ODB and Rayne battles Daffney in the early going. Rayne and Bolt try to team up together, but ODB thwarts them. Undaunted, Rayne and Bolt continue working together and take Daffney out, and then go after ODB. Daffney tries to make it three-on-one, but Bolt and Rayne don’t appreciate it. They do some more brawling around aimlessly. ODB gets a shot of liquid courage from her valet and fires up on Rayne and Bolt while Daffney recovers. She hits Bolt with a fall away slam and slaps her boobs. Bolt breaks up the pin and tries to get a pin of her own on ODB. Daffney breaks that up and hits a spinning fisherman’s buster on Bolt but Rayne breaks up that pin. ODB brings her flask into the ring and sprays it into Bolt’s eyes. She then hits a powerslam to get the win at 6:06. I really don’t understand all the praise constantly heaped on the Knockouts Division.
MATCH #3: New Japan Pro Wrestling Jr. Tag Team Championship – Motor City Machineguns vs. No Limit vs. The Latin American Xchange
The Machineguns have been champions since 1.4.09, but I don’t know how many defenses they’ve made. I don’t expect to do much play-by-play in this one. As predicted, the action starts off fast and furious, much like the opener. Everyone’s paired off with an opponent and it’s all offense, offense, offense. Chris Sabin is able to subdue Hernandez, which is no small feat. Of course it doesn’t last long, as Hernandez this Sabin with a huge shoulderblock. Alex Shelley takes his turn trying to battle Hernandez, and he gets overpowered as well so the Guns double team him. Everyone gets some offense in and it’s hard to follow. Somewhere amidst all the chaos, the Guns hit Made In Detroit on Naito to retain the belts at 11:48. That was fun chaos but nothing really held it together.
MATCH #4: Doomsday Chamber of Blood – Abyss vs. Matt Morgan
I don’t like the “Doomsday Chamber of Blood” name, but I think having to make your opponent bleed before you can win is much better than First Blood rules. Morgan tries to use a chair but Abyss avoids it. Abyss promised his therapist, Dr. Stevie, that he wouldn’t use weapons in the match. What an awful, stupid storyline. They brawl back and forth in the opening minutes. Abyss thinks about using a chair, but Morgan kicks it back into his face and Abyss is busted open. The crowd doesn’t really notice or care. Now that Abyss is bleeding, Morgan gets rid of the chair, which is a smart move since now Abyss can’t use it to bust him open. Morgan rules. He works Abyss over for a few minutes, and then gets a bag of broken glass. That does kind of go against the principle of him getting rid of the chair a few moments ago though, so they lose points for that. Abyss comes back and throws Morgan into the various walls of the cage, and then hits a chokeslam but there’s no pin because Morgan isn’t bleeding. Morgan recovers and goes up top for a cross body block but he accidentally hits the referee instead of Abyss. Why do they have to knock the referee out in a no-DQ match? Abyss uses the glass to bust Morgan open. He then hits the Black Hole Slam and another referee comes out for the count but Morgan kicks out at two. Abyss goes outside the cage and grabs the chair from before. Dr. Stevie comes out and takes the chair from his patient. This is the big reveal that Dr. Stevie is actually Stevie Richards. Apparently this is a surprise to Abyss as well (really?). Back to the action, Morgan hits a Carbon Footprint for two. Abyss goes outside to beg Dr. Stevie for the chair, but he won’t give it to him so Abyss grabs another bag. This bag is full of tacks, which brings Stevie into the ring. Stevie slaps Abyss a bunch of times, and Morgan hits a low blow. Morgan then hits a double-handed chokeslam on Abyss right into the tacks. That’s enough for the win at 12:44. All the Dr. Stevie involvement really dragged down this match, which wasn’t all that good to begin with.
MATCH #5: TNA Knockouts Women’s Championship – Awesome Kong vs. Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde
Kong has been the champion since 10.23.08, and this is her fourth defense. I really loathe Wilde’s music. Love tries to escape right away, but Wilde and Kong are having none of it. Kong and Wilde actually work together, because the Beautiful People piss everyone off. But of course Kong ultimately stands alone, because she’s awesome. Kong goes for the Awesome Bomb on Love, who avoids it. Now oddly enough Wilde and Love work together to neutralize Kong. That of course doesn’t last too long before they’re at each other’s throats. And I know when I’m angry at someone I get them in a jackknife pin, like Wilde does. Kong recovers and throws Wilde into the cage. She then drops Love with a double-handed chokeslam. The champion is just dominating here. She goes up to the top rope and tries a somersault but luckily for Love she’s able to move out of the way. Kong rules. Velvet Sky interferes and helps Love tie Kong’s braids in the cage. Raisha Saeed chases Sky off. Meanwhile Wilde hits Love with a cross body off the top rope for a two-count. Love’s shoulders weren’t even down the first time. In fact Love appears to be injured, so Wilde goes to check on Kong for some reason. Kong kicks Wilde in the stomach, and Love gets the totally weak pin to win the title at 6:54. That’s just about the worst, weakest looking finish they could have possibly come up with. At least it was short. Again, THIS is the division that so many are raving about? Shut up Victoria.
MATCH #6: Philadelphia Street Fight for the TNA Tag Team Championship – Team 3D vs. Beer Money, Inc.
Beer Money has been champions since 1.11.09, and this is their seventh defense. Brother Ray calling this the most important tag team match in the history of wrestling is a bit of an overstatement. Team 3D’s IWGP Tag Team Titles are on the line as well. They’ve held the titles since 1.4.09. They start off throwing haymakers right away. Beer Money gets a brief advantage before 3D tosses them both to the floor, and the fight resumes out there. They pair off and we get a split screen to follow the action. They’re fighting all over the arena, and apparently falls count anywhere. Eventually they all fight back towards the ring and Storm slams the cage door in Ray’s face. Ray immediately crawls under the apron so that he can cut himself without anyone knowing. Because just putting your head under the apron and coming up bleeding isn’t conspicuous at all, no. Beer Money sets up the steel steps and a table, and they suplex Devon through it. Then they bring Ray in the ring for some double-teaming. Roode and Ray fight up on the top rope, and Ray hits a Super Bubba Bomb on him. Mike Tenay wins the redundancy award for calling it the “Top Rope Super Bubba Bomb.” Roode kicks out at two. Storm hits a tornado reverse DDT on Ray for two. Devon makes his way back in the ring, and Team 3D hits the double-team neckbreaker that JR always used to call the 3D but it really isn’t for a two-count. They hit a Doomsday Device on Storm for two. Then they hit the What’s Up on Roode. I hate how every Team 3D match progresses in exactly the same way. That means the tables are next. They take forever to bring them in, so Beer Money is able to avoid going through the table. They hit several big moves but can’t put 3D away. Storm misses a somersault senton off the top rope and rolls out of the cage. Roode tells Storm to slam the cage door into Devon’s face, but Devon reverses it and Roode eats the cage. He turns around and takes a 3D through the table and we have new TNA World Tag Team Champions at 14:58. That was the usual Team 3D brawl, but Beer Money especially worked hard and they had a few creative spots.
MATCH #7: Lethal Lockdown – Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Booker T & Scott Steiner) vs. Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe & Daniels)
Angle and Daniels start the match for their respective teams. The opening period is five minutes, and then it’s two minute intervals after that. They take it to the mat right away, and Daniels grounds Angle with a side headlock. Angle comes back with a suplex and locks on a chinlock. He comes off the ropes and Daniels catches him in a Flatliner and then locks on the Koji Clutch. Five minutes have gone by and Booker T is the next man in the match. Daniels stupidly doesn’t release the hold as Booker enters the ring, so Booker takes control. West agrees with me, but Tenay tries to defend it and fails. Angle recovers and the Mafia double-teams Daniels. AJ Styles is next out, and he’s on fire. He goes after Booker while Daniels and Angle resume their battle. Scott Steiner is the next man out. He slowly clotheslines Styles and Daniels, and then hits Daniels with a super belly-to-belly suplex. He then actually executes a super Frankensteiner on Styles. That’s impressive. Samoa Joe is out next to even the sides. Before he comes out though he talks to someone behind a curtain, as if he hasn’t had sufficient time to do so leading up to the match. And it’s stupid how they’re hyping the Nation of Violence as a Nation of One, when clearly there’s someone else involved with it. Nash lumbers out next for his first match since December. Joe kicks the cage door to knock Nash back, and he takes the fight to him on the floor. Nash takes Joe down and gets in the ring for some slow offense. Joe rejoins the ring and now we’re just killing time until Jarrett arrives. Jarrett comes out and Lethal Lockdown can officially begin. They actually split the screen into six parts for a few moments. For some reason Angle and Styles climb up to the roof. I know it looks neat, but I’m not sure what it’s supposed to accomplish. After nothing happens, Angle rejoins the ring, and Styles jumps through the roof and somehow doesn’t hit any of the three guys he was aiming for. Everyone starts throwing out their big moves. Jarrett accidentally hits Styles with a chair, and Joe takes offense. That allows Angle to hit Joe with the Angle Slam, and Daniels breaks up the pin. Daniels hits the Angels Wings on Angle but Steiner breaks up the pin. Jarrett gets a guitar and tries to create suspense over whether he will hit Booker or Styles, but the crowd doesn’t care. Anyway, he hits Booker and Styles gets the pin at 23:00. For some reason, Bobby Lashley comes out to almost no reaction. He points to the ring while Angle looks pleased and Jarrett looks concerned. That was really dull for a hardcore spot-fest, and the Lashley thing took months to go anywhere.
MATCH #8: TNA Heavyweight Championship – Mick Foley vs. Sting
Sting has been the champion since 10.12.08 and this is his eighth defense. Foley brings a barbed-wire baseball bat with him. Hebner takes the bat away and they lock the cage. They keep making a big deal out of the fact that Sting has held the title for six whole months. It’s not that impressive. Foley starts the match by re-opening the wound on his head and going right after the champion. He climbs to the top rope for some reason, and Sting joins him up there and knocks Foley back to the mat. Even so, Foley is soon in control again, kicking away at the champion. Oh, I forgot that you can win this match by escape also. Foley goes back up top to try and climb out, and Sting hits a belly-to-back superplex for two. Sting tries to put Foley’s face into the cage, but Foley fights him off. Foley climbs up again, and this time Sting takes out the knee and Foley gets tied up in the ropes. Sting works on the knee, and Foley tries to fight back. Holy crap this match is boring. Foley hits a neckbreaker for two. He tries to climb out but can’t because of his knee, so he hits the Double-Arm DDT instead, and Sting kicks out at two. Foley tries a Scorpion Deathlock (call the fucking move by its entire name Tenay, I dare you) but Sting avoids it. The challenger then tries to get the door open, and since he can’t have that, he dropkicks the camera man through the hole in the cage. He then tries to climb through that hole, but Sting pulls him back in and puts on the Scorpion Deathlock. Foley once again tries to climb through the hole, and the camera man has already recovered, and he hands Foley the barbed wire baseball bat. Sting avoids getting hit with the bat and knocks Foley down. The champ then tries to climb over, but Foley hits him in the knee with the bat. Sting then gets control of the bat and works Foley over with it. Foley comes back with a low blow and hits Sting in the face with the bat. He then drops the bat on Sting’s face with an elbow, and Sting is bleeding. Foley gets Mr. Socko out and wraps him in barbed wire. He then hits the running knee in the corner, with an assist from the barbed wire. They both start climbing and Foley takes a nasty fall to the floor to win the title at 15:53. What an absolutely terrible match in every possible way. It was dull, plodding, not at all exciting, and the finish was super weak. This was one of the worst main events in TNA history, and that’s certainly saying something. Both of these guys should be embarrassed.
BONUS MATCH: Danny Bonaduce vs. Eric Young
I do not care about Danny Bonaduce. For that matter I don’t really care about Eric Young. Bonaduce looks like death warmed over. Some “fan” gets in his face, so he bites his finger and slaps him. Apparently Bonaduce is some kind of black belt, but he can’t really handle his nunchucks. Bonaduce gets the first shot in, but Young is soon in control. Young throws Bonaduce around for a bit. Bonaduce comes back with a boot and goes up to the top rope to hit a somersault senton. Young kicks out at two. The crowd does not like Bonaduce at all. Young hits a clothesline and a vicious powerbomb. He misses a moonsault and Bonaduce grabs his nunchucks again. He misses, and Young gets a sloppy small package (ha-ha) for the win at 3:28. They shake hands, and when Young turns around Bonaduce attacks him and chokes him out. Young needs Rhino to make the save for him. What an awful, pathetic, and stupid match to even have.