The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 04.16.12
Live from London, England
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
WWE title: CM Punk v. Mark Henry
Mark Henry doesn’t even get an entrance! At least they do the in-ring introductions to make this seem like a big deal. Punk goes for the legs to start, but Henry easily overpowers him with the CLUBBING FOREARMS. Punk tries the leg kicks again, but he walks into a spinebuster as the fans try to do the “Yes” thing for Punk. Henry bails and Punk hits him with a tope suicida, but he charges and Henry redirects him into the post. Punk keeps fighting and hits a Jeff Hardy-esque railrunning bulldog in a fun spot, but can’t get Henry back into the ring. Punk keeps throwing kicks and the crowd sets up for an epic “OOOOOOOH YES!” finale, but Henry catches the kick and throws Punk into the railing. Ouch. And we take a break. Back with Punk fighting back out of a chinlock and grabbing a chair for some safe shots that get two. Henry just gets MAD and uses the chair himself, but Punk fights back again with shots in the corner…until Henry clotheslines him to cut off another “yes” rally from the crowd. Henry with the bearhug, but Punk elbows out of it and hits a short DDT for two. To the top for a bodypress, but Henry catches him. Punk escapes and hits the high kick, but Henry won’t go down. Mark charges and hits his own chair in the corner, and that puts him down finally, allowing Punk to take the chair TO THE TOP and finish with a chair-assisted Macho elbow at 14:10. Great PPV quality title defense for Punk, as they did the Sting-Vader thing and it was totally effective. ***1/2 Jericho pops up on the screen afterwards and announces that they’re doing a Chicago Street Fight at Extreme Rematches. And he has footage of Punk in a PUB from earlier in the day! Punk claims he was just having fish and chips with a friend. This kind of dragged on a bit, as the alcohol thing just isn’t working for me.
Meanwhile, R-Truth gets recruited by Teddy Long.
US title: Santino Marella v. David Otunga
Oh lord, don’t tell me they’re gonna do this. Otunga gets a powerslam for two and pounds away with forearms, then drops a pair of elbows for two. Santino comes back and slugs away, but Otunga boots him down and hits the spinebuster for the pin, but Santino is in the ropes. Otunga stupidly argues the point, allowing Santino to make the comeback with the Cobra at 2:00. Whew. Otunga looked terrible here, with bad timing on all the big stuff.
Meanwhile, Lord Tensai talks to Josh about fear.
Brock Lesnar gets a video package, showing his NCAA highlights and UFC photos! Holy crap! At Extreme Rules, it’ll be an Extreme Rules match. Which differs greatly from a Chicago Street Fight, I’m sure. Anyway, great promo from Brock.
Zack Ryder v. Kane
Kane boots Ryder off the apron and beats the shit out of him on the floor before the bell even rings, and we don’t get a match. Ryder gets escorted out like the geek he is now and Kane moves onto cutting a promo on Orton instead. If this stupid feud isn’t leading to Orton & Orton v. Kane & Paul Bearer, then I give up on wrestling.
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan makes it clear that just because he’s broken up with AJ, that doesn’t mean Kofi Kingston is allowed to talk to her. And he decides that the Lebell Lock is now the Yes Lock, because when the referee asks you if you want to tap, all you can say is “Yes!” Kofi trying not to lose it with Bryan yelling “YES” in his face made this segment.
John Cena comes out to whine about how Johnny Ace has been picking on him, and brought in Brock Lesnar to end his career. And at the PPV, he will overcome fear and fight him. On April 29, at Extreme Rules. Thank god, someone who remembers how to hard-sell a damn PPV. Big Johnny interrupts to make an EXTREME RULES match for Cena tonight, and announce a contract signing next week. Big Johnny’s music is magnificent.
Daniel Bryan v. Kofi Kingston
The crowd goes BATSHIT for Bryan here. Bryan with a northern lights suplex and dropkick in the corner, and he drops a pair of knees and goes to work on the arm. Running knee puts Kofi down for two, but he fights back until Bryan knees him down again. Kofi comes back with a back elbow, but Bryan tosses him. The running knee misses and Kofi fires off a springboard bodypress to the floor, and we take a break. Back with Kofi getting a monkey flip, but Bryan kicks him down and chokes him out. Giant kicks in the corner get two. Bryan goes to a chinlock, but Kofi fights back with kicks of his own and makes the comeback to huge boos. Wacky kick misses and Bryan tries to finish, but Kofi gets the SOS for two. That’s such a stupid finisher. Kofi pounds away in the corner and goes up, but Bryan brings him down and then dodges a bodypress. The YESLOCK finishes at 9:00. Bryan continues the punishment, but Sheamus makes the save and gets booed out of the building. So much for Miami being an aberration, I guess. Really enjoyable match to put Bryan over strong before he jobs to Sheamus at the PPV. ***
Brodus Clay v. Dolph Ziggler
You’d think Jack Swagger would be the next step up for Clay, not Dolph. Swagger comes in at 0:20 for the immediate DQ. Vicki beats up one of the Funkettes and Brodus jiggles at her. Lame.
Meanwhile, Eve meets up with Big Johnny.
Epico & Primo v. Big Show & Great Khali
Khali pounds on Epico in the corner and hauls Primo in for a big boot, and the champs take a walk, but Show throws them back in for Khali to chop down. Stereo slams finish at 2:00. Useless segment. DUD
EXTREME RULES MATCH: John Cena v. Lord Tensai
They’re swinging for the fences with Tensai, I see. Cena actually appears concerned for once. Tensai pounds him down and throws boots, then no-sells a suplex and clotheslines Cena down. He gets a pair of corner whips and follows with a splash, allowing Cena to bail and regroup. Tensai beats on him outside the ring and sends him into the stairs, but Cena backdrops him. Cena puts him down with the stairs to the head and they head back in, but Tensai’s man-servant lays out Cena and Tensai gets two off a suplex. He misses a charge and Cena comes back with the usual, but Tensai chops him down off the Five Knuckle Shuffle and hits a senton for two. Tensai with a Herb Kunze armbar, but Cena rolls into the STF, so Otunga runs in and breaks it up. Cena gives him the FU, but he walks into the GREEN MIST OF DOOM and BALDO BOMB at 7:00. Quite the leap from squashing geeks to going over John Cena, but I guess they had to do something drastic. **1/2
Hell of a show this week. Two good long matches, John Cena sells a PPV and then does a clean job for a new guy, Rosa Mendes dances, what more do you need? More like this, please.