Welcome back to the only column that keeps Kelly Floyd employed here at Inside Pulse! Let’s see just how insulting I can get with her this week before she cracks!
Daniel Bryan heads to the ring as AJ tries to get back in his pants…err, good graces. He treats her like shit and leaves her alone in the ring.
Mike: Welcome once again, fappers, to the least pornographic column on the Internet! So, you know…put those things away. Sickos.
Kelly: Hey now, as long as they stay on the other end and out of sight, fap away! In the meantime, we’ll just keep chatting about this edition of Smackdown.
Mike: Here comes Daniel Bryan and, I swear to God, I am currently wearing his new “YES!” shirt as I type this.
Kelly: And I’m not. I spot a good number of “YES!” type things in the crowd. Shirts, signs, panties.
Mike: Speaking of panties, you left yours here last night.
Kelly: I thought something felt different.
Mike: These jokes write themselves, folks.
Kelly: Anywho. Bryan is talking about what a coward Sheamus is, how he didn’t out-wrestle him, and about his solemn, boy scout swear to win it back.
Mike: This whole “don’t touch the ref” deal screams of controversy at Extreme Rules. I’d rather we just had a good old-fashioned rasslin’ match.
Kelly: I thought he was done, but nope. He’s basically reiterating his earlier statements, this time with “yes” screams interjected.
Mike: Here comes AJ. Looks like she’s in ring gear. A match, methinks?
Kelly: God I hope not.
Mike: She’s so dense. The man thinks you’re shit, girlie. Now come back home to Mike Gojira. He’ll take good care of you!
Kelly: Yes. Especially because Mike Gojira is not on my television.
Kelly: In all honesty, they’re beating a dead horse with this shit.
Mike: She’s not a horse. She’s more like a miniature pony.
AJ vs Natalya
Kelly: Looks like she will indeed have a match.
Mike: One of two options: she snaps and beats the fuck out of Natalya, or she just gives up and Nattie destroys her.
Kelly: Either outcome would actually be pretty cool. Looks like it’s the former.
Mike: Maybe her new gimmick will be psycho stalker bitch a la Mickie James.
Kelly: I thought that would be interesting, until that ridiculous bout of flailing and screeching.
Mike: They couldn’t have had the promo AND this poor excuse for a match in one commercial segment?!
Kelly: WWE logic at its finest.
Damien Sandow talks down to the WWE Universe again.
Mike: I love this Sandow guy. He reminds me of me talking down to my students.
Kelly: Sometimes I wonder if his words are too much for wrestling fans. Oh well.
Brodus Clay w/ Hornswoggle vs Hunico w/ Camacho
Mike: Here’s Brodus Clay, asking for his little brother. Bet it’s Hornswoggle.
Kelly: I hate when you’re right, dear.
Mike: Well, he DID say “little brother”. The WWE is too literal these days.
Kelly: This is too much for me to handle sober. Need a beer.
Mike: I despise Michael Cole spouting dinosaur names like he knows what the fuck he’s talking about. I’m the dinosaur expert, not you, Cole!
Kelly: Sexual. So, the match begins. Clay vibrates (see: jiggles), and ‘Swoggs does the same.
Mike: Your boy Hunico is getting squashed. Literally.
Kelly: So upsetting. Embarrassed by ‘Swoggle. I quit.
Mike: You can’t quit. Your contract says you’re mine for the foreseeable future.
Kelly: Damn it. I have got to start reading the fine print.
Backstage, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young openly mock Teddy Long. John Laurinaitis shows up and gives Teddy the hat of the Queen’s Royal Guard, which means he has to stand at attention all night. Hilarity does NOT ensue.
Kelly: Do I really see what I think I see? Titus and Darren Young?
Mike: Yup. Black Cena alert!
Kelly: Gotta say, he’s done a complete 180 since NXT…Young, that is.
Mike: “Mister No Days Off”?
Matt Striker chats with Randy Orton about Kane’s attack on Cowboy Bob Orton last week.
Kelly: Striker with Orton…I always forget that Striker is still employed.
Mike: Yup. He’s asking The Vagina…I mean, The Viper to watch what happened last week. Sorry, I just keep thinking about your little relationship with Randy.
Kelly: Ugh. Stop it.
Mike: I’ve never heard those words before from a woman. Scout’s honor.
The Usos vs Titus O’Neil and Darren Young
Mike: The Usos have a fun and unique intro. It’s too bad they’re never utilized properly.
Kelly: They were pushed on us so hard when they weren’t ready, now that they are, they’re nothing.
Mike: I remember that. It was the Usos versus the Hart Foundation.
Mike: Same difference.
Kelly: Usos get to work.
Kelly: The gigantic piece of chocolate thunder assaults Uso #1…Jimmy I think?
Mike: Or Jey. Same difference.
Kelly: Jey needs more or bigger tattoos. Anyway, the Usos regain control.
Mike: Jey goes over the top rope and the black dudes win with a Doomsday Device!
Kelly: Well. There it is.
Mike: Actually, it was more like a Spinebuster/Bulldog combo.
Kelly: Same difference.
Recap of the Jericho/CM Punk feud.
Kelly: I have to confess something to you.
Kelly: I’m a Jerichoholic.
Mike: Me too! I bought a Jerichoholic T-shirt. This alcohol-fueled feud is doing nothing for me.
Kelly: It’s doing a lot for me, like making me gag at the thought of being covered in Jack Daniels. Love the drink, but the smell? With that much of it? Mother of God…
Mike: You weren’t complaining the other night.
Kelly: I know. Because I was nowhere near you.
Alberto del Rio vs Big Show
Kelly: My fave, Alberto del Rio…or Caramel Thunder…enters.
Mike: That is a disturbing nickname. I’m surprised he’s still able to afford these cars, based on the way his career has been going for the past six months.
Kelly: Ugh. Here’s Big Show.
Mike: The last time these two feuded, no one cared.
Kelly: These two feuded?
Mike: For like a month.
Kelly: I long for a sarcasm font. I feel others would find me much more funny. Del Rio takes Big Show down at the knees.
Mike: Stick with me and you’ll learn how to develop a sense of humor. Del Rio gets the advantage by working on the arm.
Kelly: As soon as Show gets some steam, del Rio levels him once again. Meticulously wearing him down.
Mike: Cross arm breaker turned into an electric chair drop by Show!
Kelly: Spear from Show, and del Rio’s feelings are hurt. Chokeslam attempt…Ricardo distracts…Cody Rhodes appears and del Rio takes advantage to win it!
Mike: Beautiful Disaster to Show!
Drew McIntyre and Heath Slater watch backstage as Ryback destroys a local London jobber. Poor kid.
Mike: McIntyre’s face is blocked by the TV-PG symbol.
Kelly: So I’ve noticed something. Titus. Darren. Slater. Skip. Otunga. Barrett. Bryan. The whole NXT roster is back, minus Tarver?
Mike: Titus was not part of Season One. Ryback is just destroying this poor kid.
Kelly: Oh yeah…who on earth am I thinking of, then?
Kelly: J-Gabe! Oh well. Close enough. I’d like to see Skip in a real contest. Not in a Take-Out-The-Local-Jobber match.
Mike: Next up…the Brock Lesnar interview.
Recap of the Brock Lesnar interview from Monday night.
Kelly: I really don’t have any fucks to give out to Brock Lesnar.
Mike: Those of you who have read my column last week know the pros and cons to his return.
Kelly: I’d like to make some sort of rude comment about that, but I actually enjoyed that piece. You know, sorta.
Mike: Rude comment? Please do.
Kelly: I was just going to tell you that you should go ahead and explain it once more, since I bet not a soul read your column.
Mike: Ah. At least I have a weekly column.
Kelly: Yup. A lot of people don’t.
Backstage, Teddy Long is dressed as a Royal Guard in front of Johnny Ace’s office. Aksana shows up with her old friend, Antonio Cesaro (Claudio Castagnioli), and Teddy is forced to watch without interaction as the two flirt.
Mike: Hey, it’s Antonio Cesaro! Ole! Ole! Ole!
Kelly: No. No. No.
Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Great Khali vs Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry, and Cody Rhodes
Kelly: When we return, Henry is in the ring with DB. Rhodes enters next.
Mike: Why do we have to have Great Khali in this match?
Kelly: Why do we have to have Great Khali in this company? In this world?
Mike: India needs cops.
Kelly: I guess so. Bastards.
Mike: Wow. Folks, we apologize for her rude remarks.
Kelly: Eh, I think everyone is a bastard. No racism, just a general hatred.
Mike: An equal opportunity hater.
Kelly: Cody strikes before Khali can enter, and about 3,498,324 officials are checking him out.
Mike: Sweet! That means handicap match!
Kelly: Or Big Show.
Mike: Cody is hysterical as he gloats in the ring.
Kelly: Big Show’s theme song. Called it.
Mike: Aw, fuck me.
Kelly: Not right now, I have a headache.
Mike: Another Big Show appearance. Lovely.
Kelly: Daniel Bryan tags in Cody after Sheamus is tagged in.
Mike: DB runs out of the ring like a scalded dog.
Kelly: Sheamus backs Cody into one corner, then another.
Mike: Sounds like a dance.
Kelly: Or date rape.
Mike: Sheamus is making Cody his bitch, but Rhodes nails the dropping Goldust uppercut slap thingy to regain control.
Kelly: Love the description. Cody finds away to turn the tables, and Sheamus topples out of the ring, allowing Daniel Bryan to strike.
Mike: I love that missile drop kick.
Kelly: Oh boy. Henry is in.
Mike: The World Heavyweight Champion is playing face-in-peril. What’s wrong with this situation?
Kelly: Cody eats the mat hard, and Randy is in!
Mike: Orton is a house of fire!
Kelly: Until he runs into the brick wall that is Mark Henry.
Mike: Can Orton survive the commercial break?
Kelly: Hey, did you know Brock Lesnar is back? It wasn’t until the 48th commercial for him that I fully understood. Weird.
Mike: Jiminy jillickers!
Kelly: Mind is blown. I need to lie down.
Mike: We’re back, and Orton is in trouble.
Kelly: Bryan flies like a damn eagle, but Randy rolls away.
Mike: Big Show is now in, squashing Mark Henry until Rhodes hits a cheap shot.
Kelly: Quick tags back and forth as the heels take turns wearing down Big Show.
Mike: Cody has the Figure Four on Big Show!
Kelly: Attempted pin on Show, who kicks out. Bryan is launched, and Sheamus tags in!
Mike: Rhodes makes the save and i gotta say, these heels work well together. WMD from Big Show to Rhodes on the outside!
Kelly: Mark Henry eats a Brogue Kick and a KO punch! Henry wobbles, Viper hits the RKO to finish it.
Mike: That was an awesome match.
Kelly: Considering some of the boys involved, I actually liked it. Even more so when Khali was escorted out.
Mike: Final thoughts on the show?
Kelly: I don’t know if I’m just in better spirits after my medical debacle or what, but I liked this episode. The last few editions, time felt like it was crawling with bloody stumps. But I was actually surprised today when the main event was up. I was like, “already?!”
Mike: It was a nice, lengthy match. I enjoyed the chemistry in the ring.
Kelly: Bryan and Rhodes…definitely a pair to keep in mind for the future.
Mike: Oh well. Until next week, so long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, aksana, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, big show, Brock Lesnar, brodus clay, Camacho, chris jericho, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Darren Young, Drew McIntyre, Great Khali, Heath Slater, Hornswoggle, hunico, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Floyd, Mark Henry, Matt Striker, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Natalya, randy orton, Ricardo Rodriguez, ryback, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, the usos, titus o'neil, WWE