Welcome back to the go-home show before WWE Extreme Rules! We’re going into this expecting no new developments in any storyline, so in the off chance that something interesting happens, we’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Daniel Bryan heads to the ring to guarantee his victory on Sunday. Alberto del Rio interrupts to let everyone know that he will face the winner of the Bryan/Sheamus match. Big Show decides to come out and sends the heels running, but catches Ricardo Rodriguez with a choke slam.
Kelly: Welcome back, kiddos. We’re here once again to discuss Smackdown–among other things–after a pretty decent show last week.
Mike: Well, what “other things” would you like to talk about?
Kelly: Who knows. We’re pretty infamous for going off topic.
Mike: True. How about that awful ending to Raw on Monday?
Kelly: It was a pretty good ending for me, considering I didn’t watch it.
Mike: That was the most boring contract signing ever. But enough about shit…here’s some Daniel Bryan gold, courtesy of a mic!
Kelly: I feel like I accidentally played last week’s show, though.
Mike: I love this. Bryan says his Wrestlemania loss should go on AJ’s record.
Kelly: Well, we get a recap of Bryan’s referee spot. Seems legit.
Mike: Awesome! They slowed down the pinning footage to make it look like a regular count.
Kelly: Delightful. I’ve heard the word “yes” more in this episode than I do while watching porn.
Mike: I suppose this Q&A thing is going to be a part of his gimmick now. And I like it.
Kelly: And here comes Alberto del Rio.
Mike: Your “Caramel Thunder.”
Kelly: He sure is. “Yes” vs “Si”…can’t say I hate it.
Mike: Big Show’s here. How about now?
Kelly: Okay, I can say it.
Mike: What the fuck does Big Show care about the title picture? He’s Intercontinental Champion!
Kelly: Good lord, I couldn’t tell you. His promos are about as interesting as a late night conversation with…well, you.
Mike: Ouch. My heart, it hurts. You’ve wounded me.
Kelly: I’d apologize, but apparently my balls are bigger, so I really don’t care. So the show (see what I did there?) isn’t over, as Show takes on del Rio.
Mike: The doctor told me they’d enlarge eventually!
Kelly: Call me when they do.
Back from commercial break…apparently del Rio and Show are having a match. Cody Rhodes interferes almost immediately and unsuccessfully tries to hurt Big Show. After that, Eve and John Laurinaitis are backstage. As Ace’s new Executive Assistant, Eve suggests that the ring crew wear name tags from now on.
Mike: Big Show is dominating del Rio until Cody Rhodes chop blocks him and gets del Rio DQ’ed.
Kelly: A kick from del Rio echoes between Show’s ears, and Cody busts out the kendo stick. And a chair.
Mike: Well, that didn’t work. Guess Show’s invincible when he’s angry.
Kelly: Don’t you dare compare him to one of my favorite Avengers.
Mike: Show SMASH!
Mike: So Eve is going to make the crew backstage wear name tags.
Kelly: Including Teddy Long. How embarrassing.
Mike: Recap of Beth Phoenix’s “injury.” Congrats to Nikki Bella for being shark bait for Kharma on Monday.
Kelly: One can only hope. It was only a matter of time before one of the Bellas won the Divas game of Musical Chairs, thus being named champion.
Mike: Brie won the belt a few months ago. Not that she did much with it.
Kelly: Ask me in a few months, and I’ll forget about Nikki, too.
Damien Sandow tells us he’ll debut next week. Alicia Fox faces Nikki Bella and loses thanks to Twin Magic.
Mike: Sandow debuts next week. Did you know Blair thinks we masturbate to him?
Kelly: Blair just likes to assume that anyone else masturbates as often as he does.
Mike: Hey, it’s Alicia “Fucks Up.” See what I did there?
Kelly: Make a really bad joke? Yes, I see what you did there. Too often.
Mike: Normally I’d be insulted, but I never listen to you anyway.
Kelly: Boo hoo. Nikki switches with Brie after a solid thirty seconds of ass-kicking, to pick up the victory.
Mike: I never understood Twin Magic. Not only did everyone BUT the ref see it, but they even show a replay every time. Sometimes referees reverse decisions based on replays.
Kelly: I loved that, on Superstars once, the ref actually listened to Jillian’s cry about the switch, and he checked them out. “You’re more sweaty, get back in there!”
Mike: That’s hilarious.
Titus O’Neil and Darren Young taunt Yoshi Tatsu backstage, who reveals his tag team partner to be Ezekiel Jackson. Meanwhile, Teddy Long is told he’ll have his own commentary table tonight.
Kelly: Titus and Young backstage, as well as Yoshi Tatsu, who I assumed died.
Mike: He hasn’t been future endeavored yet. Looks like Ezekiel Jackson is Yoshi’s partner. Normally that would be intimidating…but Zeke has been jobbing for months now.
Kelly: I don’t recognize him with all that hair. I miss his misshapen skull.
Mike: Teddy is emasculated further with what appears to be a maid’s uniform and Johnny Ace tells Aksana he’ll give Antonio Cesaro a tryout match.
Kelly: Teddy also gets to be on commentary, wearing a “People Power” shirt. Still boring.
Mike: The “Teddy Table”? Ugh.
O’Neil and Young make short work of Tatsu and Jackson while Teddy Long is forced to listen to Johnny Ace in his headset.
Kelly: And with the jobber entrance, Big Zeke and Yoshi! It’s ineffective.
Mike: Wow. Michael Cole just called them the “Rush Hour” team.
Kelly: Oh boy.
Mike: Oh jeez. They’re playing the whole “Teddy Long has to listen to Ace’s voice in his headset.”
Kelly: Makes me thank Jesus for creating the mute button. The Big Overly-Stereotypical Black Guys mow down Tatsu.
Mike: Michael Cole just said something BOTCHAMANIA-worthy when he announced that Tatsu and Young won last week.
Kelly: Did he really? I cannot multitask. Listening and not caring are hard to do at the same time.
Mike: Our relationship works that way, too.
Kelly: What’d you say?
Michael Cole interviews Randy Orton and reminds The Viper that any Superstar who touches an announcer or any official will be suspended. Jinder Mahal interrupts and eats an RKO.
Kelly: Michael Cole in the ring, about to speak with The Viper.
Mike: You’re so over him, right?
Kelly: He’s so not my type. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Mike: That’s why I’m here.
Mike: Cole gloats about how Orton can’t touch him or he’ll be suspended.
Kelly: Johnny Ace is a buzzkill. Now we get a foggy look at Randy’s history with Kane.
Mike: Handshakes start feuds now.
Kelly: And that’s two minutes I’ll never get back, though that may be the second time I’ve said that to you.
Mike: It’s not my fault you disgust me sometimes.
Kelly: Aw, that one stung a little bit.
Mike: Yay! I got my manliness back!
Kelly: Turned me on a little bit.
Mike: Record timing.
Kelly: So Randy said some stuff, Cole said some stuff, Jinder Mahal appeared and said some stuff, and it ends with an RKO. Oldest formula in the textbook.
Mike: Jinder was just sent out to pop the crowd for an RKO. Nothing more.
Aksana is the guest ring announcer for Antonio Cesaro’s match with Tyson Kidd.
Kelly: Aksana needs some subtitles.
Mike: Her subtitles are quite large right now, aren’t they?
Kelly: Just how I like ‘em. So, Tyson Kidd is already in the ring, and Antonio gets the big entrance. Speaking of big, this guy is huge!
Mike: Nice lifting uppercut! Pancake driver ends it!
Kelly: That looked majestic. I like this dude. Uh oh. Someone crack open the Ben and Jerry’s. Aksana smooches Antonio in the ring, and Teddy retreats.
Mike: Claudio…I mean, Antonio….needs new theme music.
Kelly: Ohhh! Is that who that is??? Claudio Castag-something?
Kelly: Wow. With the hype of his signing, I would have expected something MUCH more different for a debut.
Mike: You know how it is. With a lot of indy darlings, the ‘E saddles them with crappy names and gimmicks to see if they can get themselves over on the big stage.
Kelly: Sadly, yes.
Cody Rhodes jobs out to Great Khali. After the match, Abraham Washington tells Primo, Epico, and Rosa that he needs to know if they want his services by Monday night.
Mike: Here comes Cody Rhodes to make a fool out of Great Khali. Which isn’t a difficult task, mind you.
Kelly: Yeah, he does a pretty bang-up job on his own.
Mike: That’s…that’s what I implied, dear.
Kelly: And…that’s…what I outright said, sugar plum.
Mike: Cody’s dominating Khali. I feel weird typing that.
Kelly: Cody to the top rope, knocks the big guy down.
Mike: The Punjabi Plunge and….Cody loses clean? But he needs momentum to face Big Show on Sunday! That was dumb.
Kelly: The fuck did I just watch? That was just plain foul.
Kelly: This jabbering man needs a detox.
Ryback destroys a local jobber as the Usos watch backstage.
Kelly: Another no-name, scrawny man. Wonder what will happen…
Kelly: Snap out of it, man!
Mike: I’d like to snap into her….wait, where are we?
Kelly: Moving on. My man Ryback emerges after the little man stops chatting.
Mike: Skip looks pretty intense here.
Kelly: I love it.
Mike: Damn, that clothesline looked painful!
AJ is interviewed backstage by Matt Striker, but she refuses to answer any questions. Kaitlyn tells Striker to get lost and tries to console AJ, but gets slapped instead.
Kelly: Oh god. From Rosa to AJ. How is it typing with one hand, Mike?
Mike: I’d imagine it would be like you talking with….ahem….something in your mouth.
Kelly: Hopefully that “something” in my mouth is anything on Kaitlyn’s body.
Mike: Kinky. That’s why I love ya.
Kelly: I will give AJ this, her bitch slap is infinitely better than Kelly Kelly’s. Though, if she lays another hand on Kaitlyn I’m going to rip her ears off and staple them to her neck.
Mike: I remember when Kaitlyn turned on AJ and it was never mentioned again.
Sheamus vs Mark Henry
Kelly: Main event time. We get to watch Mark Henry drag through a match as though the ring was quick sand.
Mike: Holy shit, are we really at the end of the show?!
Kelly: We sure are. Time flies when you’re talking to someone as magnificent as me.
Mike: I was going to use those EXACT words.
Kelly: That’s why people love us.
Mike: I feel more like they tolerate us.
Kelly: That’s probably more accurate. Sheamus is trying to wear down Henry, but Henry won’t have any of that shit!
Mike: Sheamus dodges Henry and manages to get him set up for the axe handles to the chest.
Kelly: Henry throws Sheamus into the barricade twice, the second time with a force that no doubt rocked the arena.
Mike: I think this is the first actual match on the show. Every other match was a squash.
Kelly: You know, I think you might be right. Which is weird.
Mike: Not really. It’s the go-home show before a PPV.
Kelly: That’s something I never understood. If the Smackdown before sucks, I assume the PPV will, as well.
Mike: I’m sure as hell not ordering it.
Kelly: Sheamus hits the Brogue kick to finish Henry.
Mike: That was anticlimactic. Here’s Daniel Bryan at the ramp.
Kelly: Sheamus grabs a mic and invites Daniel Bryan up to party.
Mike: He’s going for an “18 seconds” chant. I guarantee the “Yes!” chants will drown that out on Sunday.
Kelly: If WWE lets us hear them, that is.
Mike: Actually, from what I’ve heard, they’re going to let them chant “YES!” and transition DB away from the title picture. See, it’s smart because then Sheamus can be used as a successful face champion without the stigma of Bryan fans booing him.
Kelly: Solid plan. “Is he over as hell?” “Yup.” “Whack him.”
Mike: It’s basically their way of trying to control the situation.
Mike: So, final thoughts?
Kelly: What kept in my mind the entire time was how many people are still on the WWE roster, that you never see. People used to love Yoshi Tatsu, but he’s been missing. Kaitlyn is more than a pretty face, I thought she was a pretty strong wrestler too. And we only see Curt Hawkins, who I really like, when there’s a fight that needs to be broken up. I kind of wish I would see more of these kinds of people.
Mike: With Spring Cleaning looming, I don’t think you’ll get your wish.
Kelly: I guess not. Damn it!
Mike: Ah, well. Be sure to check out Kelly’s Roundtable this weekend. Mostly because I’ll be on it.
Kelly: It’s sure to be a good one. Hell, I might even appear on my own Roundtable this time!
Mike: Slim pickings this time, eh?
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: abraham washington, aj lee, aksana, alberto del rio, alicia fox, Antonio Cesaro, big show, Brie Bella, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Darren Young, Epico, Eve, extreme rules, Ezekiel Jackson, Great Khali, Intercontinental Championship, Jinder Mahal, John Laurinaitis, Kaitlyn, Kelly Floyd, kharma, Matt Striker, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Nikki Bella, Primo, randy orton, Ricardo Rodriguez, Rosa Mendes, ryback, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, the usos, titus o'neil, Tyson Kidd, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, WWE Divas Championship, WWE Tag Team Championship, yoshi tatsu