Legacy Noob Chronicles: Impact Report 5.3.2012 (Bully Ray, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy)
by Justin Legacy on May 4, 2012

Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!

I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:

If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.

If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose,  took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.

If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.

And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment  hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with [Insert Hot Chick] (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.

By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.

 

HEADLINE!

Ok, I’m back and Happy Cinco De Mayo (or what I like to call, “Happy Latino Drinky-Drink Day”)!

And as such, tonight I am gonna do the inaugural “Cinco De Mayo Hogan Drinking Game of DOOM!” (try saying THAT five times fast!) And since we’re talking a Mexican Holiday, guess what will be my drink of choice tonight! That’s right, it will be Tequila (1800 Silver to be exact)!

The basic rules are; 1 shot for anytime Hogan is on TV, and 1 shot for every time “Brother” is said by Hogan. It’s a small list, but with the way Hogan says “Brother”, I expect to be10-sheets to the wind before I publish this…God…I’m gonna feel like crap tomorrow…Sorta like how I feel watching TNA! (HEY-OOOH!!!)

And remember! This is TNA, and if you’re not drunk watching this, you’re not doing it right!

 

TNA IMPACT WRESTLING

MAY 3, 2012, 9pm EST (3am Europe/Zagreb)

“LIVE” from Hulk Hogan’s gay lover (See: Brutis Beefcake (HEY-OOOH!!)).

SIDE NOTE:  I’ve read the mad ramblings of @SCOTTSTINER and @Storm_Wrestling about last week’s show, and I’ve found out that they said EXACTLY what I’ve said about Impact last week That could ONLY mean one thing! I’M A GENIUS! YEAH!! *Takes a shot*

Side SIDE NOTE: Since my NHL Playoff Updates were SO well received, guess what? We will have NHL Playoff Updates all throughout tonight!! (YEAH! *takes a shot*…God… This is gonna be a LONG night…)


SEGMENT 1:

We get a video from last week as Eric is shit…Is?…Yeah, well go with that…

Flair is out to talk about his Swingers party and about how he’s behind Hogan, and candy canes, and liquorish sticks, and how we are supposed to refer to him as God…Except when we have a candy cane, or liquorish stick, in our mouths, then we’re talking like Stu Hart before he puts in his dentures! (RIP- Stu Hart)

He then calls out Hogan, and – *takes a shot* – HOGANMANIA is OUT, BROTHER! (*takes a shot*) AND BROTHER, (*shot*) HE WANTS TO BROTHER (*shot*) FLAIR SP BAD! LIKE BRUTIS BEEFCAKE BAD, BROTHER! (*shot*)

He talks about how Flair owes something back to the “wrestling community”, then makes him a judge?…Ruuuuhuh?….Rrrut Rrraggy? Rrrusn’t Rair a rrrad guy?…

Either way, Flair says he’ll do it, then looks at the crowd like Reverse Psychology kicked his ass! (Which seems to happen more than Chris Brown and Rhianna (Hey-ohhhh!!!))

RATING: AWFUL (To be honest, I didn’t know WHERE in the HELL this was going…Did Flair turn good?…Did Hogan outsmart Flair?…Hell, will the Cubs win a World Series…Yeah, no…But anyway, I’m STILL trying to figure this out…)

 

RAYNE/KIM vs. BROOKE SOMETHING-ER-OTHER/SKY

Wow! How much disinfectant does TNA have?…Cause they need it cause Sky was ALL OVER that middle rope entering into the ring!

Anyway, Brooke and Sky were hyping up their skills against Kim and they talked about how one of them were going to take the title off of Kim sooner or later.

#1: Rayne…Lady?…You need a bigger tiara…Your weave is WAY too much for a tiara that size…I’m not saying, but I’m just saying…

#2: Taz…Bro?…That’s not a US Flag Brooke’s wearing…It’s a TEXAS flag (God Bless Texas!)…

#3: And ladies? I see you complaining about your asses, and I have a PERFECT way to figure this out…Let’s have a wet t-shirt contest!…Oh…Wrong body part?…Well, hell, let’s do it anyway!!!

About the match, it was good, had some awkward moments, but luckily, it was kept to a minimum. But, Sky was the “whipping” girl (he he…) and she was getting SPANKED. ALL. MATCH. (and yes, the innuendoes are SO intentional)

But Gail and TIARAGIRL™ had the most advantage but Gail got countered, again, and Brooke pined her for the 3rd straight time.

RESULT: BROOKE SOMETHING-ER-OTHER and SKY via pin-fall @ 4:48.

RATING: DECENT (Good match, good story, but I was still waiting for my wet t-shirt contest…)


NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: Two games of the Semi-Finals tonight! Here is the Semi-Finals Updates!

–       Los Angeles Kings  up 2-0 over the St. Louis Blues in their series.

–       Phoenix Coyotes up 2-1 over the Nashville Predators in their series.

–       New York Rangers  up 2-1 over the Washington Capitals in their series.

–       And tonight, the New Jersey Devils are up against the Philadelphia Flyers tonight and they are tied 1-1 in the game AND series so far.

 

SEGMENT 2:

Jeff Jarrett won the title again?!…Oh, ha ha, my bad…It was only a hype video about Jeff Jerrett and his 13-hundered other TNA Title wins…Silly me…

RV-STONER-D™ comes out and stumbles on his words like he just came from a Cheech and Chong movie set…He rambles on like he SWALLOWED a bong, WITH 100 dime-bags-worth of “Jamaican Blue”, or whatever those crazy stoners like, about how great he is.

SIDE NOTE: Did anyone notice that the RVD promo was DRASTICALLY edited?…Yeah…The promo was HEAVILY edited…

Roode comes out, and HA! He talks about how “high in the clouds” RVD is…Haha…Damn stoners… (TNA: Where Drug Tests Happen! /*sarcasm*/)

Anyway, Roode talks about how he’s a WRESTLING GOD-AH (© JBL) and runs down the “I choose your opponent, you choose mine” deal. Then makes the match RV-STONER-D™ vs. CRACK HARDY™?…

Uh…Isn’t Hardy a “good” guy?…And isn’t Roode EEEEVVVVIIILLLL?….

“One of these things is not like the other…One of these things is just not the same…”

*Takes a shot*

Then RVD makes Roode vs. Anderson in retort!  (Heh…at least Anderson and RVD are the “good” guys…)

RATING: DECENT  (The RVD thing dragged out a little too ling….but still a set-up…)


SIDE NOTE: I don’t know if it’s the Tequila, but I feel like taking off all my clothes…But I’m not sure…Let me ask the expert…

Q: @CRANKYVINCE, should I get naked while watching TNA?

A: #CRANKYVINCE: IN MY HOT PANTS, ON COUCH WITH RUFUS, WAITING TO WATCH WHAT DILLON IS UP TO ON THE BEVERLY HILLS 90210. CURLING ERECTION.

Welp! It’s decided! SEXY DRINKY TIME!~

RATING: N/A (Too sexy for you pants?…I SO know the feeling….)


SEGMENT 3:

And just as the boneage becomes EPIC WOOD, out comes these ultra-camp guys, dressed in pastel sweaters?…CRANKYVINCE!! Help me?!…

 

#CRANKYVINCE: DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO ASSHOLES COLLIDE? SHIT FLIES. EVERYWHERE. FUCK YOU.

 

….Uhh….*pulls up pants…takes a shot*….

Well, at least one of them is ZACK RYDER 2.0™…But who’s the roided up dude?…

Wait?…Oh crap…Quazi-gay?…Pastel shirts?…Overly muscular guys?…. BILLY AND CHUCK 2.0™?…(Duh duh duhhhhhhhh!….)

Well…Yup!…It looks like they’re 10-seconds away from being ORLANDO JORDAN BAIT™!

But, I guess it’s CHUCK 2.0™ vs. D-Von for the TV Title!

RATING: N/A (Just a lead in into the next match)

 

CHUCK 2.0™ vs. D-Von

TNA TV Title Match

Well, despite this match, I have to respect TNA for sticking with this…This has been the THIRD TIME the TV Title has been defended on TV…Now let’s forget about this next week TNA! I know you have a shorter memory span than a gnat and a rock!

This match was basically a Power vs. Power type match up. Until ZACK- I mean BILLY 2.0  interferes into the match, and costs CHUCK 2.0 his title shot.

SIDE NOTE: In case you didn’t notice, cared to notice, didn’t watch, the referee called for the bell for about TWO MINUTES and the timekeeper seemed to ignore his CONTINUOUS pleas to ring the damn bell until after D-Von got WHACKED with a clipboard! CRANKY VINCE!!

#CRANKYVINCE: I KINDLY ASK YOU TO REMOVE THAT VINTAGE COCKTAIL FROM MY TABLE AND POUND IT UP YOUR ASS WITH A MALLET.

…Crap…(*Puts my shirt on*…*takes a shot*…)

RESULT: D-VON via DQ @ 2:53

RATING: AWFUL (It was WAY too disjointed for me to care and the finish was more confusing than a homeless guy on house arrest…)

 

 

NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE: FLYERS TIE! It’s now 3-3 on a break-away goal by Briere! And Jagr ALMOST scored another! Awesome gameage!!!…

 

SEGMENT 3:

MO, LARRY, and CURL- Oh, I mean FLAIR, AL SNOW, and BRUCE PRITCHARD talk turkey, chicken, duck, and that small bird that taste remarkably like chicken (what’s the name of that kind of bird?…), but mainly about that ABORTION of a 1st match for poor Alex Silva from last week.  (Seriously, he needed a better opponent than BILLY 2.0 last week)

Flair talks about how Silva doesn’t have the “build” (YAY STEROIDS!!!), I guess he’s the Cowell of the group, Snow plays neutral, but slightly towards the new wrestler (Randy Johnson?…), and Pritchard played the “good judge” (Paula Abdul….Oh…Let’s hope that he doesn’t try to “Patterson” the poor new dude…).

Anyway, Flair’s against giving Silva a chance, but Pritchard talks about how Flair had to prove himself…Wait….Wasn’t Flair just “another body”? (©Mr. Wonderful)

Meanwhile, HOGANMANIA™ (*takes a shot*) is out BROTHER (*shot!*), and BROTHER (*SHOT*) he makes the ANDERSON/ROODE match NO-DQ, and BROTHER  (*SHOT!*), THIS BROTHER (*SHOT!!*) is about to TWERK HIS NIPS, BROTHER! (*SHOT!!*)

RATING: DECENT (At LEAST they set-up the whole process of American Ido- I mean, Gut Check…It’s at LEAST original…So, as long as the kinks get straightened, I’ll hold judgement…)

 

HARDY vs. RVD

These guys are usually good…When THERE NOT HIGHER THAN AN SR-71!! (HEY-OOOH!!!)

GOD! Damn that Hogan…Let me ask Scott Stiener what to do? @SCOTTSTIENER!!

#SCOTTSTIENER: Giving yur wife an excuse why u r leaving het to go do yur gay porn video’s yur ex-wife said U were gay …right…

Uhhh…What?….Uhhh…. *SHOT!!!!*

Well, the GROUPIECHIX™ are at ringside (you know…the types that have boob jobs, and dress provocatively, and likes to show their asses- Wait?…I think I’ve just described the Knockouts (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)), but there was a pretty good back and forth match, a little slower, but there were some spots where they used their speed (which is good, cause two fast wrestlers DOES NOT make a good match)…

But Roode ran-in to cost RVD his match…Except he cost HARDY the match (DURR!~) while the referee was distracted…

Wow, it takes a SPECIAL kind of man to get outsmarted by a stoner, so CONGRATS Roode. YOU. ARE. THAT. MAN!…smh….

RESULT: RVD wins via pin-fall @ 4:57

RATING: DECENT

 

SEGMENT 4:

CALVEZILLA™ meets up with the Penn Jillette-looking dude and they talk about Abyss…Why don’t they talk about more important things, like CRANYVICE…

#CRANKYVINCE: IMPARTIAL WOOD.

Indeed Cranky Vince…Indeed…

Either way, CALVIE™ tells the Peen Jillette dude that if he doesn’t get out of his face, he will use the CALVES OF DOOM! To DESTROY HEEEMMMM…..

Later on…CALVIE gets into JB’s FACE! (The FACE mutherfukka, the FACE!) And then drags him out to the ring. He then talks about this Anti-Bully stuff and asks for the pencil-neck geeks (RIP- Freddie Blassie)  to take the “Stop being a BITCH” initiative….THIS is “a change in which we can believe in!!”

Aries comes out with the SHADEZ!~ He stands up to CALVEZILLA but them calves don’t take shizz! He even says that CALVEZILLA has diabettis! (Oh no he did-n’t…)

Well CALVIE don’t play that, and spits in Aries’ FACE! And then it’s BONZO GONZO as Aries is whipping that ass worse than Ike Turner!

But some generic security guards come down to separate them…But CALVIE sees this and NUTSHOT!~

CALVIE walks out with a busted lip and we transition to…

 

Some Bald Guy and Mr. Buzzcut backstage with TERRY FUNK V2™ (Kurt Angle) and that “middle aged and crazy old man” gets pissed off at all that damn infernal racket!!

 

MEANWHILE, Roode is backstage and talks smack about he’s going to keep his title! (yay~…)

RATING: DECENT (The whole CALVEZILLA/Aries deal was GOOD, but everything else was pretty AWFUL)

 

ANGLE/MR. BUZZCUT/SOME BALD GUY vs. STYLES/SOME FAT GUY/MANGUS

Wow! Angle let himself GO! Now he has that Beer gut…Of MUSCLE!!

It was a good match. and with the amount of talent it was expected. Everyone singled out Mr. Buzzcut and it lead to a Styles Clash for the win!

Afterwards, TERRY FUNK V2 is PISSED!

RESULT: AJ STYLES wins via pin-fall @ 4:48

RATING: DECENT (Good match, just wished that it was a tag match with more time…)

 

SEGMENT 5:

The THREE STOOGES- I mean Flair, Pritchard, and Snow, have Silva out into the ring. They judge Silva like this:

-Ric “Cowell” Flair says NO

-Bruce “Ryan Jackson” Pritchard  says YES

-Al “Abdul” Snow says YES

Yay…Alex gets to be a bottom-feeder in TNA!….Wow, that’s like being the smartest person in Special Ed! (HEY-OOOHHH!!!)

 

Meanwhile, the New Jersey Devils and the Philadelphia Flyers are tied and are going OVERTIME! Now THAT’S entertainment!!

RATING: DECENT (It would be great if Al Snow wasn’t getting undermined by the INTERNET! Good God…It’s like the blind leading the blind, over a waterfall, through a rainbow, and over the edge of the MOON! (Moon?…Yes…The moon…))

 

MAIN EVENT: ANDERSON vs. ROODE

NO DQ MATCH

Arch-a-typical?…Someone must be doing this drunk as well….hmmm?…. (FYI, it’s ARCH-TYPICAL…damn drunks…Wait?…)

Well, at least CHUNKY ANDERSON™ lost some weight…Now only if he could get some talent! (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)

Good match, it played to Anderson’s style (I.E.- A brawler)….Until Hardy showed up  then the match went careening down the hill worse than Michael Kelso on a drug trip….Which is pretty much the WHOLE night, tonight! (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)

But the match ended with a Perfect-Plex?…Is today Curt Henning’s Death Day?…And didn’t Roode use the Crossface as a finisher?…Dammit, now I’m DEFINITELY more confused than a Priest at an Orphanage!…DAMN YOU TNA!!! CRANKYVINCE?!

#CRANKYVINCE: STRETCHING MY LOVE MUSCLE.

….Crap…

*SHOT!!!!*

After the match, Roode destroys everyone with a steel chair!

RESULTS: Roode wins via pin-fall @ 10:56

SEGMENT RATING: GOOD (It set Roode as SOMEWHAT of a bad-ass. But it was somewhat abrupt from prior build-ups…But it DID give a good idea of where they’re going here…Which is the ONLY thing I’m asking for.)

 

IMPACT RATING: DECENT (It was mediocre,  but it did have it’s moments. At least we have continuing storylines, which is something that was NEEDED from the last time I’ve watched TNA. This is great…It’s just that some of the guys seems to be off tonight, so it brought down things a little bit. But still a DECENT enough show…Just needs a little more Desu! :D)

 



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Justin Legacy

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  • CB40

    Another awesome read Justin. Infernal racket!!!!

  • J_Legacy

    A-Thank-you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joe-DeSandre/536348147 Joe DeSandre

    I think the names have grown on me. I couldn’t remember who you called Chuck 2.0 in the past and I didn’t want to look back, so now Chuck 2.0 exists as a person to me.

  • Nick Mann

    I wasn’t really sure about this until the TERRYFUNKV2. That is funny as hell.

  • J_Legacy

    Really?…This wasn’t my best work…It was good, but I think it’s either because of the booze or the fact that I didn’t take a 5-Hour Energy Shot before the show…

    So, the moral of the story is to take a 5-Hour Energy Shot because you NEED a 5-Hour Energy Shot to watch Impact! (HEY-OOHHH!)

  • J_Legacy

    I think the BILLY and CHUCK 2.0 deal is about Robbie and Bobbie…Hold on…Robbie and Bobbie, Billy and Chuck?…Wow, I’m gonna call them this from here on out until Orlando Jordan comes back and forces these two to get married!

    Them’s good ratings there, I tell you what!

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