WWE Monday Night Raw 05.014.2012 Live Results: CM Punk, John Cena, Over The Limit Hype
by BD on May 14, 2012

Welcome to Inside Pulse’s LIVE WWE Monday Night RAW coverage for this week! It’s me, Blair Douglas, filling in for Widro, who is filling in for… well, I don’t know who he’s filling in for. Presumably someone that watches RAW live on a regular basis. I don’t watch RAW live on a regular basis, and haven’t for like… 10 years. Unless it’s background noise. Most times I’ll read a recap and YouTube anything that sounds interesting. People tell me that I can’t form a valid opinion from that. I don’t see how that’s the case, but I guess I’m about to find out. Actually, truthfully, I think RAW sounds like it’s been better recently than it has been in years. Doesn’t sound like it’s a huge treat to watch or anything, but better. I’m not going to make a habit of it for sure, but we needed a fill-in, so here I am.

This is live coverage, so I’m not going to do much of an intro. I’m just trying to let you know in advance not to expect too much, because I don’t usually watch it live, and I’m basically a fill-in for the fill-in.

Whatever. I’ve never done live coverage before! I’m excited! Let’s crank this shit hose!

WWE RAW

Triple H is walking backstage. Johnny Ace tries to feel him up. Ace says that he didn’t know Brock would attack HHH. Then he talks about how he let HHH “handle” it and talks about how hard it was to watch HHH get killed. HHH says he’ll say what he has to say in front of the world. He wishes Ace luck against John Cena.

RAW intro. They’re in Pittsburgh tonight.

Triple H’s music hits, which you can buy on iTunes NOW! I assume he’s here to cry about Lesnar. They recap the arm break. Triple H talks about how he’s had worse injuries and how Brock isn’t bringing any legitimacy back to wrestling because he wrestled Undertaker in front of one of the highest-selling PPV’s of all time. HHH then says that Brock’s offended everyone and names off a long list of wrestlers that Brock has offended. He then says he’s embarrassed because he bought into Lesnar’s hype, just like he did back in 2002. Then Brock quit. Then he went to UFC, and went to the top. Then he got to the top, it got tough, and Brock quit. (Sure, that’s totally what happened.)

Brock’s music hits, and Paul Heyman comes out. He says that HHH lost his biggest star. He says that the deal that Brock signed was legit, and Triple H had no right to tear it up. He also says Triple H shouldn’t be surprised when a FIGHTER comes to an ENTERTAINMENT company and wants to fight. Then he gets his lawyer to serve Triple H with papers, and says that Brock is suing the WWE for millions of dollars. Heyman says taht Brock expected more from Triple H. Triple H pie-faces Heyman and leads him into a corner. Fans chant for Triple H. Then he tells Heyman to tell Lesnar that Lesnar is going to get everything he deserves.

He leaves. Heyman says that Triple H now has two lawsuits on his hands for putting his hands on Heyman. Triple H looks embarrassed.

Afterwards, Lawler and Cole go all Mike Tenay over the situation. Cole says that Heyman loves to sue people and this is what he’s about. I think they’re confusing “suing” with “getting sued”.

They recap last Monday, where Big Show got into some trouble with Johnny Ace. Big Show fights Kane tonight. Also, he might get fired tonight if he doesn’t apologize. THEN we recap Ace and Tensai beating up Cena.

CM Punk intro. Commercial.

 

CM Punk & Santino Marella .vs. Daniel Bryan & Cody Rhodes

Yeah, why bother having your World Champion and the #1 Contender at the beginning, middle, or climax of the show? Better to put Cena and Johnny Ace up there. Bryan probably got a bigger pop than any of them, including Punk. Jesus.

Amongst “YES” chants, Cody and Punk start out. Punk overpowers him, and Cody backs off but Bryan refuses the tag. Cody takes control while the crowd chants YES. Punk sends Cody outside, then Bryan tries to jump him so Punk tosses him too. Punk does a dive through the ropes on both of the, and Santino tries a dive but knocks the wind out of himself on the ropes. Punk is all “C’MONNNN!”

Commercial. What a surprise, the Battleship movie has two 10-year old songs from Kid Rock on it. And apparently people still go to see monster trucks. This is why the other countries are beating us.

Cody is beating up on Santino, now. “CLOBBERING TIME” is trending worldwide. Bryan tags in, and the crwod goes nuts. Bryan kicks Santino in the jaw in the corner and gets a 2-count. He drops some knees and the crowd chants “YES” for each one. Rhodes tags back in. He kicks Santino a few times, then tags in Bryan because he’s run out of moves. Bryan does some kicks of his own and an arm submission. Cody tags in and then out immediately because he’s run out of moves. And he wants to hear more YES chants, which Bryan gets after some kicks. Cody tags in and Santino gets away because Cody sucks, but Santino makes a dive to tag Punk, but misses. He dives again because Cody sucks, and tags Punk. Punk comes in and clotheslines Cody, gets in a dropkick, and a corner kneelift. Cody doesn’t know what to do when confronted with actual moves.

Crowd is into this now. Punk wants Bryan in, but Bryan refuses. Punk hits the GTS and pins, but Bryan comes in to distract him. Cody tries to sneak up from behind, but Punk sees him, pushes him into a Cobra from Santino, hits a GTS and pins.

Do I gotta star these bitches on a live recap? I’ll give it 2 and a half stars, decent tag-match if a bit dull, but what you’d expect on a go-home show, and it was better than the wrestling they usually do on RAW. Ending was somewhat suspenseful at least.

Winners: CM Punk & Santino Marella- 2.5 stars

Tonight, Randy Orton fights Chris Jericho, and John Cena RETURNS! Was he gone? I swear I saw him on the show somehow last week. But he must have been gone! He’s RETURNING!

Commercial.

 

Some girl named Alicia Fox is in the ring dancing to fast-paced techno music. Oh, this is a match.

Someone Named Alicia Fox .vs. Beth Phoenix

Awesome, this will be easy. The LayCool girl who just came back and won the belt comes out. Beth clotheslines Alicia and drops her on her stomach. Then Beth gives her that finisher and pins her. LayCool girl looks worried. Alicia considers switching to porn.

Winner: Beth Phoenix – 17 stars. (Not 1.7. Seventeen.)

Beth tries to beat up Alicia some more. LayCool girl makes the save. Beth saves. Cue equally bad hip-hop song.

John Cena Make-A-Wish commercial.

 

There’s another PRE-SHOW for Over The Limit on Sunday. Zack Ryder is fighting Kane. Remember when people were all into Zack Ryder and thought that WWE actually liked people who make it on their own? I blame the educational system.

This Johnny Ace / Big Show thing gets a video package for some reason. The music is way too dramatic for the situation.

Johnny Ace comes out with David Otunga. Christ, is this his new music? This is fucking awesome! I totally feel like standing up and saluting the troops right now or something. I totally take back what I said about Ace not being a good idea for the climax of the show. Fuck RAW. This song is my life now.

Commercial.

 

Kane .vs. Big Show

Johnny Ace is tweeting during the intros. Kane has gotta be the guy in the WWE that, more than anyone, NEVER knows what the hell he’s doing on any given show until he sees a call sheet. Maybe he’s beating up Cena. Maybe he’s beating up Santino or Big Show. Maybe he’s setting some girl on fire. Maybe he’ll be on the screen laughing. I imagine most people have some idea what they’ll be doing. Not Kane. He’s been there for over a decade and still has no idea what to expect.

Sorry. I’m not used to these kinds of live coverage things. They lumber around for a while. Show takes control until Kane trips him into the corner. Kane hits what they call a cross-body and gets two. Cole talks about Ace being socially active. Show takes control but misses a Vaderbomb. This show totally needs some Vader. Kane misses a top rope clothesline and Show tosses him to the outside. Show spears Kane on the outside. Both guys get in the ring, and then Ace demands his apology in the middle of the match. Show is distracted, and eats a big boot and a chokeslam. He pins.

Winner: Kane – 1 Star

Kane leaves to go torture some puppies. Ace goes to the ring and starts yelling at Show. Ace’s voice is perfect for this authority-figure-heel character. Show says he’s thought long and hard, and talks about starting out in WCW 13 years ago and having WrestleMania moments. He says he can walk away with no regrets, but he loves what he does. He starts to cry. He tells Ace to not throw away his career because of something petty. He apologizes if Ace was offended. Ace wants Show to apologize again. So he apologizes again. Ace wants Show to apologize again. So he apologizes again. Now Ace wants Show to beg, and get on his knees. (It usually works when hiring or firing Divas.)

Wow, this is really eating up a lot of time. Big Show bawls. And screams with frustration. 20 minutes passes and nothing happens. Big Show then asks Ace not to make him get on his knees. Ace yells at him some more. Then Ace says he’s going to do what’s good for business. So he walks off with Otunga, then starts to talk. Big Show screams at him to WAIT! 5 more minutes passes. Then Show drops to his knees, crying, and apologizes and screams at Ace. Ace fires him anyway and wishes him the best of luck in his future endeavours. Show bawls some more in the ring while the fans chant his name.

Commercial.

 

When we come back, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are going all Mike Tenay again.

Funkasaurus comes out. Lawler says that normally, Funkasaurus cheers everyone up, but now everyone is too depressed to enjoy it. Cole says “you can’t grieve forever”, which, admittedly, is a pretty great line.

Funkasaurus, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth .vs. The Miz, Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guererro)

This heel team is a great illustration of failed main-event pushes. Babyfaces dominate – mostly Funk.

Commercial. Bet you the heels are dominating when we come back.

Yep, I was right. I’m awesome! They show some guys in the balcony, including Primo, Epico and that British guy that everyone thought was good before they abandoned him, and then everyone stopped caring. Apparently they’ve got a new manager now. Dolph hits a nice dropkick on Truth. Dolph is good at dropkicks. Miz tags in, and loses his team’s advantage, because Miz sucks. Kofi comes in and beats Miz up for a while. Kofi hits his finisher, and would have beat Miz with it if Swagger hadn’t broken it up. Ziggler dives at Funk, but bounces right off him, which was kind of cool. Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise before Funk hits a big splash for the pin on Miz. Awesome. Miz sucks. He shouldn’t even be allowed on pre-shows.

Winners: Funkasaurus, Kofi Kingston & R-Truth

Everyone dances.They bring in a bunch of kids wearing WWE merchandise to dance as well. Hey, everyone tell me something – do kids actually wear that stuff to school, or is that grounds for a beating in schools these days? I’m not being a smartass. I’m legit curious. I don’t know what it’s like for kids these days. So that’s something for you to do. Tell me that.

Commercial.

 

We recap some stuff from SmackDown with Orton and Shaemus The Charisma Machine beating up Jericho and Del Rio.

Backstage, some guy is walking with CM Punk. AJ walks up to him and is nervous. She wishes him luck on Sunday. Punk says he doesn’t want to get in between him and Bryan because he’s known Bryan for a long time, but doesn’t trust him. He then calls her unstable. She looks sad as he walks away.

Shaemus The Cornerstone comes out to another stellar reaction. He’s on commentary. Awesome! His mic skills are every bit on par with his in-ring ability.

 

Chris Jericho .vs. Randy Orton

I still can’t believe the reactions Orton gets after all these years. See Orton, I don’t understand why he’s popular, but I acknowledge that he is. He definitely is.

Shaemus talks generic babyface on the commentary as Orton and Jericho start. They go back and forth, until Orton hits a dropkick and a clothesline over the ropes.

Commercial. I bet Jericho is in control after the commercial.

Hey, I called it again! You’d think they made a habit of that or something. Jericho has a sleeper and hits a slingshot dive for 2. Orton hits a strike but Jericho takes him down with a boot and a dropkick from the second rope for two. Shaemus is trying to be cool by insulting Cole. His line is “God, you’re useless.” Classic. Jericho eats Orton Knee when he tries a lionsault, then Jericho eats a powerslam. Jericho takes control and tosses him over the ropes. Jericho then tosses Orton into Shaemus. Orton rolls into the ring and kicks Jericho as he enters. Orton hits the DDT off the ropes, and goes into his pre-RKO routine.

But Shaemus, ever the spoiler, pulls Jericho out and clotheslines him, earning Jericho the DQ win.

Winner: Chris Jericho – 2 Stars

Orton rolls out and goes after Shaemus. Orton dares Shaemus to get in the ring and fight him. He does, but officials come out to separate them.

Commercial.

 

Recap of the Show firing. Shaemus and Orton are fighting each other on SmackDown.

So, don’t watch SmackDown.

 

JOHNNY ACE MUSIC! He comes out and tries to get the crowd behind Cena by talking him down. Future divorced John Cena comes out. You’ll never catch him in the next man’s sweater. Being put against Ace DOES seem to be getting him some more crowd support than he had, but… yeah. He says that DESPERATION IS A STINKY COLOGNE. Then he does more TERRIBLE comedy. It’s embarrassing. He does a bad Ace Ventura impression for a bit. I’m not typing it out. He does this for a while, until we hear some more “CENA” and “CENA SUCKS” chant. Then he gets serious. Your usual generic Cena promo. Then he gets “funny” again. Lawler laughs a lot in the background.

Now the crowd is chanting “YES”. Cena downplays this and goes for the town-name pop. This also goes on for a while. Ace says that Cena stole is “stuff” and that he was gonna do a “promo” on the hometown stuff later. Cena does more Ace Ventura. Crowd doesn’t get into the Ace Ventura stuff too much, but they’re behind Cena for the most part. And they do love to boo Johnny Ace.

Cena tells Ace to go “puck” himself on behalf of the Pittsburgh Penguins, and tosses him a puck. Ace yells at him some. People boo. Time has lost all meaning. I pray this is almost over.

Eve is here now. She wants to tell Johnny something. Cena tries to steal the paper, but rips it by accident. He reads it out – it’s from the WWE Board Of Directors. They work Monday nights. They tell us that the match with Cena will be 1-on-1. Which was already the case. There will be no guest referee. Which was already the case. No one is allowed at ringside. The only way to win is pinfall or submission. And anyone who interferes will be immediately fired. And if Johnny Ace loses, he’s fired. Because that makes sense for a guy in a management position who hasn’t wrestled in decades.

Music hits. Segment over.

Nope, Cena stops him. So the show isn’t over yet. Cena says that he knows Ace had an announcement. He tells Ace to let him know what it is. So Ace slaps him. Cena does nothing and Ace walks off.

Show over.

 

And that’s it for our live coverage! Hope everyone enjoyed. Half-decent for a go-home show I suppose. Again, this isn’t something I’d watch every week, but I didn’t mind doing it this once. As I said, I think RAW has been better recently than it has in years, which is saying something, especially since the months after WrestleMania usually has lame stuff like Cena fighting Miz or R-Truth. That last segment though… ugh. Easily the worst part of the show. I guess the PPV is this Sunday. I legit can’t believe that they’re doing Ace / Cena as the main event.

Remember to comment, or e-mail me at bdouglas@insidepulse.com.

And remember to not watch SmackDown. I can’t emphasize that enough.

I’ll be in my trailer.



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  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    Yeah, that confused me too. I don’t see how Brock has offended anyone.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    I bet they kept checking Twitter and telling them to stall to get it to trend or something.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    I rested assured already that you would be on the internet within minutes, registering your disgust throughout the world. As a loyal viewer, I feel that I owe you.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    I took one for the team.
    *opens wide*

  • CB40

    I got rid of Rhett’s dupe post. All should be clear now. I was at the Mets game, just caught the end of Raw, looked pretty childish to me.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    Hey, this is a great recap. At least that’s what the Jews who I paid to write it tell me.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    Had I known Rhett was doing one too, I’d have tapped out happily.

  • CB40

    I can’t wait to see what you two will disagree on next!

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    Actually, it was just about average until the Fun Police (Cena) came out.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    Genocide. We just gotta figure out who’s for it and who’s again’ it.

  • Sideshowbob

    Hell I thought you and Rhett were gonna start doing a bunch of back and forth bantering loaded with 8th grade innuendos aimed at each other, ala Gojjy and Kelly’s Friday stuff…
    Then the Rhett one got pulled.
    You guys will just erase history like that? What is Rhett’s last name Benoit? Are you really George Lucas? HAN SHOT FIRST!!

  • Rhett Benoit

    Thanks sideshowbob for the backup!
    Although I started one up because I didn’t know about Blair’s. When I saw his, I turned it off and let him handle it.

  • CHpunk

    Why can’t Epico and Primo wear their Church of Konnan clothes? there are no gangsta wrestlers, but theres like a million asshole rich white male wrestlers. No UWF doesn’t help. I don’t know what the hell their commentators are saying.

  • Sideshowbob

    Well what the hell? I was going to type out a long response using ginat words of enormouse proportions. I MAY have been about to post the ACTUAL WWE Rulebook. Or the complete lost of Jericho’s holds. Perhaps it was going to be the ever elusive Miss Elizabeth pinups Ric Flair promised the world OR I even fount a way to useantidisestablishmentarianismORencephelographORsomeothercrazywordsjusttofuckwiththewordwrap, but NO.

    Now I’m being PUNISHED by making my comments start waaaaay the hell on over to the right??!!?? Help help I’m being repressed!

  • Sideshowbob

    Oh sure. I’m even FURTHER to the right. Well, nobody ever accused me of being a member of the left, but this is recockulous. Speaking of “Rhett Benoit” though, I’m not sure if you meant support for your column disappearing, or support for you and Blair having a back-n-forth-flirty-like-we’re-in-7th-grade-homoerotic-column. Because if you meant support for your upcoming back-n-forth-flirty-like-we’re-in-7th-grade-homoerotic-column-with-Blair, sorry I won’t read it.

    Take that autowordwrapthimajig!!

  • Cynical Bastard

    Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you to watch an entire Raw live. Grats.

    As a side note, I don’t remember anyone ever thinking Mason Ryan (Britista) was good. I remember a lot of comments about him being incredibly green and dangerously sloppy. I’m surprised he didn’t injure anyone before they sent him back down to developmental. If it wasn’t for WWE’s love of ‘roid freaks, I’d be surprised that he’s back on TV again, if only until his first wellness violation.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Again, it wasn’t EVERYONE. But he did have some support. On the plus side, he managed to sit in the stands without botching. Progress is progress.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    WWE is unaware of the existence of gangsters. Or if they are, their idea of it is John Cena, Captain of The Fun Police.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    I’m open to some online flirting with Rhett. A/S/L? DTF?

  • CB40

    So Lesnar, who’s already quit, will interfere and cost Cena the match Sunday. Good telegraphing WWE!

  • CB40

    lol Rhett! Hey, you’re welcome to do your own *full* recaps / 10 Thoughts anytime!

    Blair: loved your Kane commentary. You’re exactly right about him probably not knowing what situation they’ll put him in any given minute.

  • Mike Gojira

    Don’t hate on our innuendos!

  • Pingback: WWE Monday Night Raw Results from May 14: Fan’s Take – Yahoo! Sports - MMA Fighting Results

  • Blair A. Douglas

    Yep.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    He’s like an obedient dog. That’s a good analogy for Kane.

  • sideshowbob

    Well therein lies the uncertainty. Could be Brock, could be Show. Could be both. Could be Lesnar costs Cena but “Show Machine” rescues Cena from a Brock beatdown and Brock feels humiliated so he also pushes Johnny to rehire Show to teach him a lesson..

  • sideshowbob

    So Blair, CB, and others.. Kind of wondering your take on this one… The fall from grace.. Miz vs Swagger… Differences, similarities, what if anything either ex world champ can do to stop their spiral..

  • flamingwombat

    Neither ever belonged at the top of the card. They’re perfect mid-card material.

  • Steven Gepp

    Miz reached greater heights than Swagger, and has fallen farther. At least Swagger is still with Ziggler and Vicki, so he’s at least got some one to draw off of, while Miz is stuck with being on the YouTube show. Mind you, I prefer Swagger to Miz anyway, so I don’t care.

    I seem to rmember last year when i wrote not nice things about Miz in a column of mine and several commentators roundly abused me for it. Blair’s gone through the same thing with Henry and Sheamus. yes, I am comparing myself to Blair.

    I’m a sad, sad old man.

  • Blair A. Douglas

    I’ve said it before, but that’s because a lot of people just REALLY love whoever the WWE is pushing currently. Last year, people loved Miz and were saying things like “he has all the tools” and “future Cena / Orton equivalent”. I couldn’t really tell what that stemmed from, aside from being impressed with his ability to show up on more than one show per week, even though in many of those cases he never wrestled. I guess showing up and cutting slowly-speaking promos is edgy to some people. Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter, because now, he STILL has all those same tools he had before, but no one thinks anything of him anymore. I kinda feel bad for the guy.

    Anyway Bob, it’s a good question. Interinactivity is filled up for this week, but I’m going to tackle your question next week. I’ve got some great quotes already from articles that people posted around Miz and Swagger’s time with the belt. There are definitely some differences between the two given mic work and ring-ability, but I’ll talk about those next week.

  • http://twitter.com/BlairADouglas Blair A. Douglas

    See, I always thought that. Tons of people jumped on their bandwagons though. I surfed back and took a look for kicks a few days ago, and decided they were perfect Interinactivity bait. But yeah, neither guy stood a chance.

  • CB40

    Miz’ fall was much worse. Swagger was always irrelevant, Miz was mostly irrelevant but did have a good run until they scapegoated him for the SurSer buy rate.

  • Rhett ‘Beniot’ Davis

    Lolz I simply meant thanks for backing me up with the ‘shooting first’ comment. No I was asked to do the column and I said no strictly because I had no cable. I looked at the start of Raw and didn’t see anything posted so I found a stream. It was terrible and once I saw Blair had already started it, I quit. Simple as that. And no, there shall not be anymore combo columns or back-n-forth-flirty-like-we’re-in-7th-grade-homoerotic-column-with-Blair, Gojira is so much better than that than me so I’ll leave that up to him. :P
    @CB – I’ll be back this weekend with my first edition of 10 Thoughts on WWE SmackDown and starting back up with 10 Thoughts on WWE Raw next week. See ya then!

  • Rhett ‘Beniot’ Davis

    Well Swagger hasn’t been downgraded to a pre-show match yet has he? I’d say that was the key that his fall is a little lesser than Miz’s. So what’s the deal with Miz anyways? Is he being punished for still dating Maryse? Or is it because he has the closest undefeated streak to The Undertaker’s? (Think about it. Who is 3-0 at Mania?) At least we see Swagger every week. *shrugs* I may have to change the title of my column if it comes back this summer…

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