Welcome to Inside Pulse’s LIVE WWE Monday Night RAW coverage for this week! It’s me, Blair Douglas, filling in for Widro, who is filling in for… well, I don’t know who he’s filling in for. Presumably someone that watches RAW live on a regular basis. I don’t watch RAW live on a regular basis, and haven’t for like… 10 years. Unless it’s background noise. Most times I’ll read a recap and YouTube anything that sounds interesting. People tell me that I can’t form a valid opinion from that. I don’t see how that’s the case, but I guess I’m about to find out. Actually, truthfully, I think RAW sounds like it’s been better recently than it has been in years. Doesn’t sound like it’s a huge treat to watch or anything, but better. I’m not going to make a habit of it for sure, but we needed a fill-in, so here I am.
This is live coverage, so I’m not going to do much of an intro. I’m just trying to let you know in advance not to expect too much, because I don’t usually watch it live, and I’m basically a fill-in for the fill-in.
Whatever. I’ve never done live coverage before! I’m excited! Let’s crank this shit hose!
Triple H is walking backstage. Johnny Ace tries to feel him up. Ace says that he didn’t know Brock would attack HHH. Then he talks about how he let HHH “handle” it and talks about how hard it was to watch HHH get killed. HHH says he’ll say what he has to say in front of the world. He wishes Ace luck against John Cena.
RAW intro. They’re in Pittsburgh tonight.
Triple H’s music hits, which you can buy on iTunes NOW! I assume he’s here to cry about Lesnar. They recap the arm break. Triple H talks about how he’s had worse injuries and how Brock isn’t bringing any legitimacy back to wrestling because he wrestled Undertaker in front of one of the highest-selling PPV’s of all time. HHH then says that Brock’s offended everyone and names off a long list of wrestlers that Brock has offended. He then says he’s embarrassed because he bought into Lesnar’s hype, just like he did back in 2002. Then Brock quit. Then he went to UFC, and went to the top. Then he got to the top, it got tough, and Brock quit. (Sure, that’s totally what happened.)
Brock’s music hits, and Paul Heyman comes out. He says that HHH lost his biggest star. He says that the deal that Brock signed was legit, and Triple H had no right to tear it up. He also says Triple H shouldn’t be surprised when a FIGHTER comes to an ENTERTAINMENT company and wants to fight. Then he gets his lawyer to serve Triple H with papers, and says that Brock is suing the WWE for millions of dollars. Heyman says taht Brock expected more from Triple H. Triple H pie-faces Heyman and leads him into a corner. Fans chant for Triple H. Then he tells Heyman to tell Lesnar that Lesnar is going to get everything he deserves.
He leaves. Heyman says that Triple H now has two lawsuits on his hands for putting his hands on Heyman. Triple H looks embarrassed.
Afterwards, Lawler and Cole go all Mike Tenay over the situation. Cole says that Heyman loves to sue people and this is what he’s about. I think they’re confusing “suing” with “getting sued”.
They recap last Monday, where Big Show got into some trouble with Johnny Ace. Big Show fights Kane tonight. Also, he might get fired tonight if he doesn’t apologize. THEN we recap Ace and Tensai beating up Cena.
CM Punk intro. Commercial.
CM Punk & Santino Marella .vs. Daniel Bryan & Cody Rhodes
Yeah, why bother having your World Champion and the #1 Contender at the beginning, middle, or climax of the show? Better to put Cena and Johnny Ace up there. Bryan probably got a bigger pop than any of them, including Punk. Jesus.
Amongst “YES” chants, Cody and Punk start out. Punk overpowers him, and Cody backs off but Bryan refuses the tag. Cody takes control while the crowd chants YES. Punk sends Cody outside, then Bryan tries to jump him so Punk tosses him too. Punk does a dive through the ropes on both of the, and Santino tries a dive but knocks the wind out of himself on the ropes. Punk is all “C’MONNNN!”
Commercial. What a surprise, the Battleship movie has two 10-year old songs from Kid Rock on it. And apparently people still go to see monster trucks. This is why the other countries are beating us.
Cody is beating up on Santino, now. “CLOBBERING TIME” is trending worldwide. Bryan tags in, and the crwod goes nuts. Bryan kicks Santino in the jaw in the corner and gets a 2-count. He drops some knees and the crowd chants “YES” for each one. Rhodes tags back in. He kicks Santino a few times, then tags in Bryan because he’s run out of moves. Bryan does some kicks of his own and an arm submission. Cody tags in and then out immediately because he’s run out of moves. And he wants to hear more YES chants, which Bryan gets after some kicks. Cody tags in and Santino gets away because Cody sucks, but Santino makes a dive to tag Punk, but misses. He dives again because Cody sucks, and tags Punk. Punk comes in and clotheslines Cody, gets in a dropkick, and a corner kneelift. Cody doesn’t know what to do when confronted with actual moves.
Crowd is into this now. Punk wants Bryan in, but Bryan refuses. Punk hits the GTS and pins, but Bryan comes in to distract him. Cody tries to sneak up from behind, but Punk sees him, pushes him into a Cobra from Santino, hits a GTS and pins.
Do I gotta star these bitches on a live recap? I’ll give it 2 and a half stars, decent tag-match if a bit dull, but what you’d expect on a go-home show, and it was better than the wrestling they usually do on RAW. Ending was somewhat suspenseful at least.
Winners: CM Punk & Santino Marella- 2.5 stars
Tonight, Randy Orton fights Chris Jericho, and John Cena RETURNS! Was he gone? I swear I saw him on the show somehow last week. But he must have been gone! He’s RETURNING!
Some girl named Alicia Fox is in the ring dancing to fast-paced techno music. Oh, this is a match.
Someone Named Alicia Fox .vs. Beth Phoenix
Awesome, this will be easy. The LayCool girl who just came back and won the belt comes out. Beth clotheslines Alicia and drops her on her stomach. Then Beth gives her that finisher and pins her. LayCool girl looks worried. Alicia considers switching to porn.
Winner: Beth Phoenix – 17 stars. (Not 1.7. Seventeen.)
Beth tries to beat up Alicia some more. LayCool girl makes the save. Beth saves. Cue equally bad hip-hop song.
John Cena Make-A-Wish commercial.
There’s another PRE-SHOW for Over The Limit on Sunday. Zack Ryder is fighting Kane. Remember when people were all into Zack Ryder and thought that WWE actually liked people who make it on their own? I blame the educational system.
This Johnny Ace / Big Show thing gets a video package for some reason. The music is way too dramatic for the situation.
Johnny Ace comes out with David Otunga. Christ, is this his new music? This is fucking awesome! I totally feel like standing up and saluting the troops right now or something. I totally take back what I said about Ace not being a good idea for the climax of the show. Fuck RAW. This song is my life now.
Kane .vs. Big Show
Johnny Ace is tweeting during the intros. Kane has gotta be the guy in the WWE that, more than anyone, NEVER knows what the hell he’s doing on any given show until he sees a call sheet. Maybe he’s beating up Cena. Maybe he’s beating up Santino or Big Show. Maybe he’s setting some girl on fire. Maybe he’ll be on the screen laughing. I imagine most people have some idea what they’ll be doing. Not Kane. He’s been there for over a decade and still has no idea what to expect.
Sorry. I’m not used to these kinds of live coverage things. They lumber around for a while. Show takes control until Kane trips him into the corner. Kane hits what they call a cross-body and gets two. Cole talks about Ace being socially active. Show takes control but misses a Vaderbomb. This show totally needs some Vader. Kane misses a top rope clothesline and Show tosses him to the outside. Show spears Kane on the outside. Both guys get in the ring, and then Ace demands his apology in the middle of the match. Show is distracted, and eats a big boot and a chokeslam. He pins.
Winner: Kane – 1 Star
Kane leaves to go torture some puppies. Ace goes to the ring and starts yelling at Show. Ace’s voice is perfect for this authority-figure-heel character. Show says he’s thought long and hard, and talks about starting out in WCW 13 years ago and having WrestleMania moments. He says he can walk away with no regrets, but he loves what he does. He starts to cry. He tells Ace to not throw away his career because of something petty. He apologizes if Ace was offended. Ace wants Show to apologize again. So he apologizes again. Ace wants Show to apologize again. So he apologizes again. Now Ace wants Show to beg, and get on his knees. (It usually works when hiring or firing Divas.)
Wow, this is really eating up a lot of time. Big Show bawls. And screams with frustration. 20 minutes passes and nothing happens. Big Show then asks Ace not to make him get on his knees. Ace yells at him some more. Then Ace says he’s going to do what’s good for business. So he walks off with Otunga, then starts to talk. Big Show screams at him to WAIT! 5 more minutes passes. Then Show drops to his knees, crying, and apologizes and screams at Ace. Ace fires him anyway and wishes him the best of luck in his future endeavours. Show bawls some more in the ring while the fans chant his name.
When we come back, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are going all Mike Tenay again.
Funkasaurus comes out. Lawler says that normally, Funkasaurus cheers everyone up, but now everyone is too depressed to enjoy it. Cole says “you can’t grieve forever”, which, admittedly, is a pretty great line.
Funkasaurus, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth .vs. The Miz, Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guererro)
This heel team is a great illustration of failed main-event pushes. Babyfaces dominate – mostly Funk.
Commercial. Bet you the heels are dominating when we come back.
Yep, I was right. I’m awesome! They show some guys in the balcony, including Primo, Epico and that British guy that everyone thought was good before they abandoned him, and then everyone stopped caring. Apparently they’ve got a new manager now. Dolph hits a nice dropkick on Truth. Dolph is good at dropkicks. Miz tags in, and loses his team’s advantage, because Miz sucks. Kofi comes in and beats Miz up for a while. Kofi hits his finisher, and would have beat Miz with it if Swagger hadn’t broken it up. Ziggler dives at Funk, but bounces right off him, which was kind of cool. Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise before Funk hits a big splash for the pin on Miz. Awesome. Miz sucks. He shouldn’t even be allowed on pre-shows.
Winners: Funkasaurus, Kofi Kingston & R-Truth
Everyone dances.They bring in a bunch of kids wearing WWE merchandise to dance as well. Hey, everyone tell me something – do kids actually wear that stuff to school, or is that grounds for a beating in schools these days? I’m not being a smartass. I’m legit curious. I don’t know what it’s like for kids these days. So that’s something for you to do. Tell me that.
We recap some stuff from SmackDown with Orton and Shaemus The Charisma Machine beating up Jericho and Del Rio.
Backstage, some guy is walking with CM Punk. AJ walks up to him and is nervous. She wishes him luck on Sunday. Punk says he doesn’t want to get in between him and Bryan because he’s known Bryan for a long time, but doesn’t trust him. He then calls her unstable. She looks sad as he walks away.
Shaemus The Cornerstone comes out to another stellar reaction. He’s on commentary. Awesome! His mic skills are every bit on par with his in-ring ability.
Chris Jericho .vs. Randy Orton
I still can’t believe the reactions Orton gets after all these years. See Orton, I don’t understand why he’s popular, but I acknowledge that he is. He definitely is.
Shaemus talks generic babyface on the commentary as Orton and Jericho start. They go back and forth, until Orton hits a dropkick and a clothesline over the ropes.
Commercial. I bet Jericho is in control after the commercial.
Hey, I called it again! You’d think they made a habit of that or something. Jericho has a sleeper and hits a slingshot dive for 2. Orton hits a strike but Jericho takes him down with a boot and a dropkick from the second rope for two. Shaemus is trying to be cool by insulting Cole. His line is “God, you’re useless.” Classic. Jericho eats Orton Knee when he tries a lionsault, then Jericho eats a powerslam. Jericho takes control and tosses him over the ropes. Jericho then tosses Orton into Shaemus. Orton rolls into the ring and kicks Jericho as he enters. Orton hits the DDT off the ropes, and goes into his pre-RKO routine.
But Shaemus, ever the spoiler, pulls Jericho out and clotheslines him, earning Jericho the DQ win.
Winner: Chris Jericho – 2 Stars
Orton rolls out and goes after Shaemus. Orton dares Shaemus to get in the ring and fight him. He does, but officials come out to separate them.
Recap of the Show firing. Shaemus and Orton are fighting each other on SmackDown.
So, don’t watch SmackDown.
JOHNNY ACE MUSIC! He comes out and tries to get the crowd behind Cena by talking him down. Future divorced John Cena comes out. You’ll never catch him in the next man’s sweater. Being put against Ace DOES seem to be getting him some more crowd support than he had, but… yeah. He says that DESPERATION IS A STINKY COLOGNE. Then he does more TERRIBLE comedy. It’s embarrassing. He does a bad Ace Ventura impression for a bit. I’m not typing it out. He does this for a while, until we hear some more “CENA” and “CENA SUCKS” chant. Then he gets serious. Your usual generic Cena promo. Then he gets “funny” again. Lawler laughs a lot in the background.
Now the crowd is chanting “YES”. Cena downplays this and goes for the town-name pop. This also goes on for a while. Ace says that Cena stole is “stuff” and that he was gonna do a “promo” on the hometown stuff later. Cena does more Ace Ventura. Crowd doesn’t get into the Ace Ventura stuff too much, but they’re behind Cena for the most part. And they do love to boo Johnny Ace.
Cena tells Ace to go “puck” himself on behalf of the Pittsburgh Penguins, and tosses him a puck. Ace yells at him some. People boo. Time has lost all meaning. I pray this is almost over.
Eve is here now. She wants to tell Johnny something. Cena tries to steal the paper, but rips it by accident. He reads it out – it’s from the WWE Board Of Directors. They work Monday nights. They tell us that the match with Cena will be 1-on-1. Which was already the case. There will be no guest referee. Which was already the case. No one is allowed at ringside. The only way to win is pinfall or submission. And anyone who interferes will be immediately fired. And if Johnny Ace loses, he’s fired. Because that makes sense for a guy in a management position who hasn’t wrestled in decades.
Music hits. Segment over.
Nope, Cena stops him. So the show isn’t over yet. Cena says that he knows Ace had an announcement. He tells Ace to let him know what it is. So Ace slaps him. Cena does nothing and Ace walks off.
And that’s it for our live coverage! Hope everyone enjoyed. Half-decent for a go-home show I suppose. Again, this isn’t something I’d watch every week, but I didn’t mind doing it this once. As I said, I think RAW has been better recently than it has in years, which is saying something, especially since the months after WrestleMania usually has lame stuff like Cena fighting Miz or R-Truth. That last segment though… ugh. Easily the worst part of the show. I guess the PPV is this Sunday. I legit can’t believe that they’re doing Ace / Cena as the main event.
Remember to comment, or e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And remember to not watch SmackDown. I can’t emphasize that enough.
I’ll be in my trailer.