The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 05.21.12
Live from Richmond, VA
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
John Cena starts us out, and he’s ANGRY about losing to Big Johnny. So he shrugs off the Rock loss at Wrestlemania, but THIS makes him mad? Anyway, he defends his toying with Johnny instead of beating him, by noting that Big Show would have saved his new boss had he been in any real jeopardy. He stresses over and over how crappy things are under Big Johnny, until the man himself interrupts. He’s riding a scooter and has damage to several different areas of his body, and from now on if anyone touches him, they’re fired. And the main event of No Way Out next month: John Cena v. EVIL BIG SHOW. Show does the old “I don’t owe you an explanation” thing, but then changes his mind and blames the fans. The one time they don’t swerve the obvious storyline twist and it’s the one that gives us Big Show v. Cena.
David Otunga v. John Cena
Otunga attacks and stops to pose, which allows Cena to destroy him with the usual at 1:38. Cena gets attacked by Hawkins/Rex/O’Neil/Young, but Sheamus makes the save and cleans house on the geeks. And as a result, it’s Sheamus & Cena v. three guys in a lumberjack match.
Alberto Del Rio v. Randy Orton
Santino does a run-in on Ricardo’s ring introductions and has a pretty funny exchange with him, making fun of his accent and then chasing him off with the Cobra. “That’s not even a real cobra, stupid, that’s just my arm in a cobra costume!” We also get their obnoxious announcement of the 1000th episode, where they once again ignore any other competitors that don’t make them the longest-running show ever. Once again, dozens of other sports and wrestling shows have gone well over 1000 episodes, but they just choose not to acknowledge that. Del Rio works on the arm after the break (and between the intros, the 1000th episode stuff, and the entrances, that’s the FOURTH commercial break already for this match!) but misses a charge and ends up on the floor. Orton comes back with the powerslam and draping DDT, but Chris Jericho runs in for the DQ at 7:20. *1/2 Jericho is still claiming to be the best in the world, although with all the jobs he’s doing on the way out it’s kind of diluting his case. I kind of thought they’d go with Sheamus v. Orton as the program, but instead it’s the insta-feud booking.
Daniel Bryan, at the top of the hour no less, is out to complain about making CM Punk tap out without getting the title out of it, so he DEMANDS A REMATCH. Well at least they have an actual issue now. Punk comes out and shows the video from Smackdown, setting up…
Daniel Bryan v. Kane
Kane beats on him in the corner, but Bryan escapes a chokeslam and hits a suicide dive on the floor. This allows Punk to grab a chair and try the same gag on Kane again, which then backfires on Bryan and it’s a DQ at 1:47. Kane chokeslams the crap out of Bryan for that, and Punk puts him in the Anaconda Vice for good measure.
Meanwhile, CM Punk has another awkward run-in with AJ, the only diva he’s ever turned down.
Christian v. Jinder Mahal
Christian quickly hits the inverted DDT, but Mahal backdrops him to the floor. Back in, Mahal controls with a butterfly suplex and chinlock, but Christian gets a sunset flip for two. The crowd still hasn’t caught on that Christian is a babyface again. Mahal escapes the Killswitch and hits a high knee, but another try finishes for Christian after a frog splash at 3:08. Just a match. *
Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix
Beth beats Kelly down for two, but Kelly gets a rana. Beth comes back and misses a charge, allowing Kelly to get the GIANT SWING OF DOOM, but Beth blocks the handspring elbow with a clothesline and finishes with the Glam Slam at 2:25. Can we please never see this matchup again now? Please? ½*
John Cena & Sheamus v. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & Lord Tensai
The lumberjacks are all Team Johnny geeks, lest there was any confusion. Sheamus dominates Ziggler and slugs it out with Tensai, and we get the spot where all the heels beat up on Sheamus, but he fights them off. Back in, Tensai takes over on Sheamus and we take a break. Anyway, we come back and I’m too bored to recap this further, as Sheamus gets beat up by Tensai for a while and then Cena gets the hot tag before a big lumberjack brawl signals a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 15:00 or so. And then Cena immediately heads backstage, where the ninja-like 400 pound Big Show sneaks up on him for a knockout punch to end the show. Seriously, if they’re gonna book the entire show around John Cena, just put the damn title back on him already.
No, I’m not quitting when we get to the three hour RAWs, don’t worry. I wish I was, though, because now I have to go through four weeks of buildup to JOHN CENA V. BIG SHOW and probably another four weeks to the rematch as well. And if you think these shows are dull, just wait until they have to add another hour of content.