The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 06.04.12
Live from Greenville, SC
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Michael Cole brings out John Cena for the opening interview to ensure that they get more than a 2.7 this week. JOHN CENA IS HERE, NOW PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T SWITCH THE CHANNEL! So yeah, Cole blames Cena for all the destruction that Big Show is causing. They rehash the same arguments about Big Show’s motivations, adding nothing to the plot, until finally Big Johnny interrupts. He’s letting Cena pick his own opponent tonight, but Big Show isn’t here and Big Johnny is now officially retired. Again. So he picks Cole.
Did You Know that when WWE wants to proclaim their DVD to be #1 in sales, they’re “sports”, but when they want their TV show to be #1 in episodes produced, they’re “entertainment”? Funny how that works. It’s easy to break records if you’re constantly changing the category.
Meanwhile, Michael Cole appeals to Big Johnny’s spirit of People Power, but he’s still in the match with Cena.
Sheamus v. Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus wins a slugfest and quickly blocks a fameasser, countering in the Regal roll. That gets two. He charges and Dolph dumps him, and they do a sloppy sequence with neither guy able to gain the advantage. Ziggler sneaks in with a baseball slide and we take a break. Back with Ziggler working on the arm, but Sheamus makes the comeback and gets a backbreaker for two. Ziggler puts him down with a DDT for two. Sheamus fights off a sleeper and hits the White Noise, and the Brogue finishes clean at 8:41. And the losing streak continues for Ziggler. **1/2 Alberto Del Rio attacks Sheamus afterwards and gives him an armbar on the stage. Hey, another arm injury, that’s original.
Meanwhile, Otunga informs Big Johnny that Vince returns next week to give a job performance evaluation.
Sin Cara v. Hunico
Sin Cara still has the goofy lighting. He sends Hunico to the floor with a flying headscissors, but Hunico hits a backbreaker in the ring for two. Blind charge misses and Cara springboards in with a rana and hits a handspring elbow off the ropes. Spinning headscissors into a faceplant finishes at 2:30. Lots of flipping and flopping, but not much else going on here. **
RAW Memorable Moment: John Cena debuts on RAW on June 6 2005. Yes, he’s been on top of this show for SEVEN YEARS now. And people wonder why he’s stale?
Arthur Rosenburg & Stan Stansky v. Ryback
Jobbers get thrown around and he hits both of them at the same time with the lariat and finishes with the double muscle buster at 1:50. I don’t really know what the endgame is supposed to be here, because I don’t see anyone other than Ziggler taking those bumps for him. It’s probably gonna be a Funkasaurus situation, where he squashes jobbers for weeks and then they don’t know where else to go with the character.
THERE MUST BE A WINNER: CM Punk v. Kane
Kane pounds away to start, but Punk clotheslines him to the floor and follows with a suicide dive. Back in, Punk with a flying bodypress for two, but he runs into a knee. Kane drops elbows for two and adds a legdrop for two, but Punk fights back until Kane tosses him out of the ring. We take a break and return with Kane getting a backdrop suplex for two. Sideslam gets two. Kane goes up, but Punk throws knees to break it up, and gets the bulldog for two. Springboard clothesline gets two. Kane escapes the GTS with a big boot for two. Punk with a neckbreaker for two. They fight on top and Kane goes down, allowing Punk to hit the Macho Elbow for two. Kane dumps him and allows Daniel Bryan to get a couple of cheapshots, but Punk hits the high kick out of nowhere…and now AJ runs in. Punk attacks Bryan, and walks into the chokeslam at 13:12. This was just LONG, but mostly good until the horrible finish. Punk was energetic to start, but Kane took the pace way down for most of the middle section. **3/4 And now AJ has the hots for Kane, too.
R-Truth & Kofi Kingston v. Tyler Rex & Curt Hawkins
Joined in progress after a break, with Kofi hitting an elbow on Hawkins for two. Truth drops an elbow for two and pounds on Rex in the corner, but Hawkins breaks it up and Truth is your paranoid-in-peril. Truth escapes a powerslam and hits a leg lariat to set up the hot tag to Kofi. Boomdrop for Hawkins, and a flying bodypress gets two. It’s BONZO GONZO and the wacky kick finishes at 3:54. This was a fine Superstars tag match, although I kind of wish that Kofi had done something to sell his crippling rib injury besides just having them taped up. **
RAW Memorable Moment: HHH returns from his torn quad in 2002 and then NEVER GOES AWAY for the next couple of years.
John Cena v. Michael Cole
No, wait, first Cena has to beat Tensai. Goody.
John Cena v. Tensai
He’s no longer a Lord, so times are tough for everyone, even in feudal Japan. Tensai pounds away to start, but Cena slugs back and clotheslines him to the floor. If this was 1989 and Jim Ross was on commentary, Cena would be Sting and JR would be going on about GOOD OLD FASHIONED AMERICAN RIGHT HANDS right about now. We take a break and return with Tensai hitting a corner splash, but Cena bulldogs him to come back. Tensai clotheslines him down again for two, and I’m glad to see Albert-san working at a faster pace now. Sadly, Michael Cole is ridiculously over-the-top bad on commentary, which kind of negates it. They brawl on the floor and Tensai sends Cena into the stairs, and back in the Baldobomb gets two. Senton misses and Cena finishes him with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM at 9:23. Best match of Tensai’s tour of duty thus far, but I think this was the big goodbye for him. ***
John Cena v. Michael Cole
Cole tries running into the crowd, but Cena drags him back, so Cole begs for mercy until Cena rips the suit off him and gives him the Big Show chop in the corner. He puts Cole in a chinlock and makes him apologize to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross. And luckily, Jerry has some of JR’s BBQ sauce at the desk, so Cena dumps that all over Cole too. This is too spicy for Cole, so Cena cools him down with a fire extinguisher and goes to put him out of his misery, but now Tensai comes in for the Baldobomb to stretch it out. Cole only gets two, but now he gets the extinguisher, only to walk into the FU at 9:01. Hopefully this blows off the Cole heel character once and for all. *
Thankfully this show wasn’t insufferably bad like the past few weeks, just more dull than anything. But at least the wrestling was good, so I’ll take “watchable” over “infuriating” any day of the week.
Next week: Three hours again. Maybe I spoke too soon.