The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 06.11.12
Live from Hartford, CT
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
“Three hours is a long time.”
- Andre the Giant, were he alive today and watching this show.
Quick note before we start, I’m branching into self-publishing on Amazon’s Kindle site because it’s a quick and easy way to get more material out there. I’m starting with a collection of my Saturday Night’s Main Event rants (including all 27 original rants, the “Best of” DVD rant, and the 2008 show everyone forgets) all yours for a low price of $2.99. Next up will be the 2012 Scott sez collection of Wrestlemania rants.
Big Johnny starts us out, but Mr. McMahon immediately interrupts, looking like a walking corpse. HD is not kind to Vince. Vince is playing babyface tonight and points out all the stupid things that Johnny has done (including the real life story about signing the wrong one-legged wrestler!). Sheamus interrupts and votes for firing Johnny, and that earns himself a match tonight against the dreaded mystery opponent. Vince wants a good opponent, because if he’s not impressed, then Johnny is fired at the end of the night. Well isn’t that convenient.
Sheamus v. Tensai
If I needed an impressive performance, Tensai probably wouldn’t be my first pick. They trade blows and Sheamus boots him out of the corner, but Tensai slugs back. We get more punching and they tumble to the floor as we take a break. Back with more punchy punchy, and Tensai gets a pump splash for two. Sheamus makes the comeback, but Tensai dumps him to the apron, so Sheamus gets the forearms from there. He goes up and lands in a Baldobomb that gets two for Tensai, but Sheamus hits the Brogue for the pin at 8:55. Cole said “building momentum” three or four times, so I guess we’re supposed to be impressed. **
Meanwhile, Vince calls that match “strike one” (no kidding) and wants Ace to make a great match for the PPV. Vickie Guerrero pitches Sheamus v. Swagger v. Ziggler, but Teddy Long suggests Swagger v. Ziggler v. Khali v. Christian tonight, with the winner getting the title shot. Vince thinks that’s a tremendous idea. Really?
Back from the break, and Tensai beats the crap out of Sakamoto. No one cares.
Meanwhile, R-Truth cuts a goofy promo backstage and for some reason insults Big Show, which results in him getting punched out from behind. So that’s how they’re writing him out for a while, I guess.
Santino & Layla v. Beth Phoenix & Ricardo Rodriguez
Has Layla even been on TV in the past month? Layla works a headlock on Beth, but gets booted down for two. Slingshot suplex and Ricardo tags in, but then hides behind Beth instead. Yeah, they have three hours to fill, why do you ask? Ricardo gets dumped and runs into the ringpost when threatened with a Cobra, and Beth finishes Layla with the glam slam at 2:50. ½* Santino tears of Ricardo’s shirt to reveal a Justin Bieber shirt. Wow, so hilarious. Really makes me want to see the women’s title match at the PPV.
Meanwhile, David Otunga sucks up to Vince, and it ends up with Kofi Kingston v. Big Show in a cage match tonight.
Daniel Bryan is out to talk about how he’s going to be the new champion, and how AJ is manipulating everyone and he’s totally over her. CM Punk interrupts and reiterates that he digs crazy chicks, but Bryan accuses him of pandering to the stupid fans and no longer being cool, because he’s a SELLOUT. Punk claims he’s still the same guy but Daniel Bryan is a goatface. Yeah, he’s not pandering at all. And Kane comes out for some reason and talks about electrocuting people’s testicles. Finally AJ comes out as the voice of reason and she’s got nothing to say. This segment is taking FOREVER. Finally this all leads to Johnny making Daniel Bryan & Kane v. CM Punk & AJ. What a giant waste of time this all was. Literally.
Christian v. Dolph Ziggler v. Jack Swagger v. The Great Khali
How sad is it that these four doofuses are all former World champions? No wonder the title means nothing. Khali chops everyone down while Cole and Lawler argue over who thought up this crappy match. Khali beats on everyone and no-sells everything, but Ziggler finally dropkicks him down. Christian follows with a frog splash and everyone dogpiles Khali and he’s eliminated at 2:00. We take a break and return with Christian fighting off Team Vickie. A double-team X-Factor gets two on him. Christian manages to backdrop Ziggler out of the ring and make the comeback, but Ziggler sneaks in with a rollup for two. Killswitch on Swagger is reversed, but Christian goes up with a sunset flip for two. Swagger turns that into an anklelock, but Christian quickly counters out of it. Killswitch engaged at 7:08, as Ziggler steals the pin himself. Christian rolls up Ziggler himself for two, and flapjacks him for two. Ziggler dropkicks him down for two and works on the leg. Christian comes back with a spear for two, but Ziggler gets a fameasser for two. Christian with an inverted DDT for two. He goes up and misses, and the Zig Zag finishes at 10:54. Perhaps they shouldn’t have had him jobbing for weeks on end before this, hmm? ***1/2
Meanwhile, Natalya creeps out Vince, who then stops to dance with the Funkettes. WWE comedy, everyone.
Ryback v. Willard Fillmore & Rutherford Hayes
These jobber names are getting more ridiculous by the week. Ryback powerbombs one of them and tosses the other one around the ring, then finishes things with the double samoan drop at 1:30 while the crowd chants for Goldberg.
Meanwhile, Vince and Hornswoggle make fun of Jim Ross (really? REALLY?) and John Cena comes in and points out Vince’s non-stellar Wrestlemania record after Vince talks about Cena’s loss to the Rock. So after talking about how it was MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD that he beat the Rock and how his career would be worthless, he’s now just laughing it off again.
Cage match: Big Show v. Kofi Kingston
Show pounds Kofi down and throws him into the cage a lot, but finally one time it backfires and Kofi clings onto the cage and then rebounds with the big kick for two. Kofi then tries to crawl out of the cage, but Show pulls him back in and knocks him out, and he calmly walks out at 7:15. Show’s a monster, got it. *1/2
Sin Cara v. Curt Hawkins
Cara sends Hawkins out with a flying headscissors, and follows with a dive, but Hawkins pulls him out. Back in, Sin Cara makes the comeback with kicks and a flying armdrag, and finishes with La Mistica at 2:20. Good to see them trying to mix him in with bigger guys. **
Meanwhile, Vince McMahon meets Daniel Bryan, and points out that there’s nothing he ever finished in 18 seconds.
Heath Slater v. The Man They Call Vader
This is in honor of RAW 1000, and I don’t like Slater’s chances here. As expected, Vader beats the holy hell out of Slater and looks pretty good doing it. Slater survives long enough to make a comeback, but stupidly tries a slam and gets splatted. Fans want a Vaderbomb, so he obliges and nearly kills the poor fool at 3:20. Of course Vader goes out and gets himself more over than 75% of their entire roster in one match. This was probably the best thing about the show. And then ironically after featuring VADER being a giant bully, they throw to a Be a STAR promo.
Kane & Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk & AJ
Punk fights off both heels and hits Bryan with the knee in the corner and a powerslam for two, but the Macho Elbow misses. Kane comes in and tries the chokeslam, but Punk escapes and accidentally tags AJ. She tries to use her charms on Kane by skipping around him in an adorable spot, and offers a kiss so long that it almost needed an overrun of its own. Kane doesn’t really know what to do with this and he just tags Bryan in and walks away from the craziness. Punk casually gives Bryan the high kick and finishes him with the elbow at 4:55. This was…something. AJ is going to be a money valet for someone very soon like Lita was for Edge. It takes a special talent to walk the line between “annoying as hell” and “supremely bangable” and AJ is walking it, baby.
Vince McMahon and his security force call out Big Johnny to deliver the pink slip, but Big Show comes out and whines to Vince. John Cena interrupts, making more stupid jokes, and actually paints himself as the UNDERDOG. So Vince adds yet another stipulation: If Show doesn’t beat Cena, then Big Johnny is fired. If they want him fired so bad, why not just FIRE HIM? Show is so enraged that he beats up the security geeks, and then accidentally knocks out Vince as well. Cena is STUNNED and we’re out. Oh no, Vince is dead again or something, must be June. THE BUSINESS JUST CHANGED FOREVER. Again.
Halfway through the show, Jerry Lawler ordered a pizza from Domino’s and that was the last we ever heard of it. They can’t even follow through with their PIZZA STORYLINES. I liked the Ziggler win, I loved AJ, Vader was awesome, and everything else was basically filler on a show that was booked to run 3 hours and 20 minutes. Think about that: A PPV runs 2 hours and 45 minutes, give or take, and we now have a 3+ hour show on free TV every week we have to sit through.
This is gonna be a LONG summer.