Ahoy, landlubbers! Enjoy this latest endeavor from your favorite mismatched pair.
AJ opens Smackdown to explain her tonsil action with Kane on Monday night. Vickie Guerrero interrupts with Dolph Ziggler, but CM Punk makes the save. Daniel Bryan throws in his two cents until Sheamus joins everyone and tonight’s main event…is on right now!!!
Mike: Welcome back to the best dialogue in the business!
Kelly: Not hard to accomplish, but I’ll take it!
Mike: Bet your ass, you will.
Kelly: Tonight should be…something, right Goji?
Mike: Yup, especially since you now absolutely love AJ.
Kelly: I don’t recall ever saying such a despicable thing.
Mike: I dreamed that you said it. Therefore, it happened.
Kelly: You know me, I love spazzy bitches who skip in the ring and drown in their own teeth.
Mike: That kiss on Monday was bizarre, yet strangely entertaining.
Kelly: I’ve never been so happy to see Vickie Guerrero.
Mike: Me either, but that’s because it segues into an appearance from Ziggler.
Kelly: Wow, she is just awful on the mic.
Mike: She just got her face slapped off by Vickie and she ENJOYED IT.
Kelly: That was actually kind of cool…who said that?!
Kelly: I’m not sure I understand how these two are linked. He gives her the “stay calm, just don’t eat my kidneys” smile every time he’s around her.
Mike: Are you talking about CM Punk?
Mike: I think they make an awesome pair. Here comes Daniel Bryan to tell CM Punk he’s a fool for trusting AJ.
Kelly: I actually do find the entire scenario interesting, I’ll say that. Sheamus joins the party.
Mike: Blair must be creaming his pants right now.
Mike: The guy who loves Mark Henry.
Kelly: …who? Anyway. AJ goes nuts, flailing like Kelly Kelly’s hair.
Mike: Looks like tonight’s promised main event…is opening the show?
Kelly: Well if this happens, do we really have to watch the rest of the show?
Mike: We are contractually obligated, dear.
Kelly: Oh, right. I need to stop drinking every now and then.
Mike: Sheamus starts things off with Daniel Bryan and immediately we get the rolling Senton.
Kelly: Punk wears Ziggler down, tags in Sheamus who launches that vicious shoulder.
Mike: The faces dominate the opening portion with hot tags. As opposed to hot flashes.
Kelly: I live in Phoenix, one gigantic, nonstop hot flash. Nice hanging suplex from Punk.
Mike: Sheamus is using those pale Irish potatoes of his to turn Bryan into a Shepherd’s pie.
Kelly: I like what you did, there.
Kelly: Punk and Bryan get fired up! SO MUCH IS HAPPENING.
Mike: Blarney stone.
Kelly: Oh boy.
Mike: You know, I just realized something.
Mike: Both Sheamus and Punk are opening Smackdown tonight. You do know what that means, don’t you?
Kelly: They’ll keep their belts? They are thought of highly? They’re secretly dating?
Mike: John Cena must be closing the show.
Kelly: …of course.
Mike: Ziggler gets the win with a roll-up thanks to a distraction from Vickie Guerrero!
Kelly: AJ crawls into the ring to stare down a screaming Vickie. Vickie shoves her, AJ smirks, and attacks!
Mike: Vickie escapes by ramming AJ into the apron…and BAH GAWD IT’S KANE!
Kelly: Doesn’t this feel like end-of-the-show kind of stuff? I’m confused.
Mike: Kane carries AJ away a la Tori from back in his DX days. You’d think he’d have learned by now…
Kelly: And Punk won’t let him reach the stage! The two lovesick puppies are battling it out in the ring as AJ watched on. She drops to her knees (mind out of the gutter, folks…) and laughs.
Mike: Many of my dreams involve her doing that.
Kelly: What, the laughing part?
Brodus Clay vs Heath Slater
Kelly: Oh for the love of god…
Kelly: Nothing, nothing at all.
Mike: Brodus sounds like he’s out of breath just introducing the Funkadactyls.
Kelly: Well look at that big mamma jamma. He’s growing on me, but the floozies gots to go.
Mike: Based on his weight, he seems to be growing on himself, too.
Kelly: He’s got some Tyson Kidd-worthy hair, too.
Mike: The Funkasaurus had to “marinate on that” in reference to not being allowed to touch Big Show. Okay then.
Kelly: So…we get to watch Brodus Clay squash Heath Slater now.
Mike: Better than the alternative. I was afraid we’d get Tensai.
Kelly: Slater is already getting tossed around like a doll, and…it’s over. Your entrance should not be longer than your match.
Mike: Way to get the crowd behind Brodus again.
Kelly: Otunga ambushes Clay, destroying his left leg.
Mike: I’m sure the diabetes would have done it sooner or later.
Kelly: Hey, they just advanced a storyline for a match that is airing on YouTube. Baby steps for the ‘E.
Mike: I think I mentioned that they should have done that the first time they brought up the Youtube pre-show.
Kelly: You know what, I dig it. Maybe the next step would be to fix Cena up with an opponent where they didn’t just say, “Well, Big Show’s free…”
Alicia Fox vs Beth Phoenix
Mike: I…I think my eyes just exploded out of my head.
Mike: I just saw a commercial for a brand-new SyFy movie: Piranhaconda.
Kelly: Ha! I saw that commercial a day or so ago. It’s no Sharktopus, but still.
Mike: Hey, Beth Phoenix just beat Alicia Fox.
Kelly: She sure did.
Mike: I can’t believe this segment consisted of Layla’s entrance at commentary for 30 seconds, followed by a Glam Slam before another commercial. They could have AT LEAST given the competitors an entrance.
Kelly: How long have we been doing various recaps of this show? I’m surprised they showed the Divas at all.
Big Show and John Laurinaitis head to the ring to explain why Big Show is so cranky these days. Michael Cole informs them that John Cena is on his way to the arena.
Mike: Hornswoggle’s favorite Raw moment: Muppets take Monday night.
Kelly: What a cliche. John Laurinaitis hobbles out.
Mike: Oh great, a recap of “The Punch That Whiffed.”
Kelly: This was boring enough on Monday.
Mike: Smell the buys!
Kelly: You’re supposed to fall over in shock that I watched Raw this week.
Mike: Why should I? I texted you to watch it!
Kelly: You texted me while I was halfway through it! The decision to watch is one I made all by myself. :)
Mike: I’m so proud of you.
Kelly: I’m a big kid now!
Mike: Still a kid, though.
Kelly: Oh hey, something’s happening. Big Show is walking out now, to join Ace.
Mike: He’s talking about whether he meant to punch McMahon on purpose or by accident. He should be more concerned about whether he meant to BOTCH.
Kelly: I can see his mouth moving. I know he’s saying words. But all that’s happening in my head is a hamster wheel spinning furiously.
Mike: Show breaks kayfabe by telling the world his name is Paul Wight.
Mike: Looks like John Cena’s on his way to the show, courtesy of Michael Cole’s “good authority.”
Kelly: Ugh. And you just know that on Sunday, they’ll be the damn main event.
Christian vs Jack Swagger
Kelly: Here’s Christian!
Mike: And his opponent…waste of space!!!
Kelly: Cody Rhodes has the snazziest coat. Miz should be jealous. That probably came off as super random. We were just watching the recap of their feud, folks.
Mike: Miz is filming a movie right now. I think Cody should be jealous.
Kelly: …how did I not know this??
Mike: Because I’m better than you.
Kelly: Of course you are, champ.
Mike: What the…Christian won already?!
Kelly: So it was very quick, but Christian just defeated Swagger with a big Splash.
Mike: And Swagger continues to prove he’s worthless in my eyes.
Kelly: We could barely finish talking about Miz’s movie before it was finished!
Ryback destroys two more jobbers.
Kelly: More jobbers!
Mike: More Ryback!
Kelly: More routine!
Mike: I gotta say, this is brilliant strategy. Get two losers in the ring that the fans want to see get pounded, then send out Ryback and the audience has no choice but to cheer.
Kelly: But how much longer should it go? I want to see him really go for it in a relentless, brutal feud.
Mike: Not gonna happen. The boys in the back allegedly want nothing to do with him.
Kelly: That makes my heart sad.
Mike: Hey, I’ve got a joke for you. Why don’t we hear Goldberg chants any more?
Kelly: I don’t know, Goji, why?
Mike: Because they were edited out!
Kelly: I hear crickets.
Mike: Those were edited IN.
Damien Sandow vs Tyson Kidd
Kelly: Is that Tyson Kidd? The hair always throws me off.
Mike: He’s about to get squashed, too.
Kelly: I like that he almost had the upper hand last week. Substance is good.
Mike: LOL…Booker T just said he needed to get a dictionary.
Kelly: He was just verbalizing what we were all thinking…there’s a reason he’s always silent when he comes out.
Mike: I love how Vince still thinks most fans are ignoramuses and will boo anyone who speaks perfect English.
Kelly: And Sandow wins it.
Mike: Love that pin.
Kelly: I love the cartwheel.
John Cena is in the building, and he’s looking for Big Show and Laurinaitis.
Kelly: I could have lived my whole life without reliving Michael Cole’s nasty foot in England.
Mike: Yuck. Figures, that THAT would be Cole’s favorite Raw moment.
Kelly: Oh hey look, it’s Cena.
Mike: He fake-kicked down Big Johnny’s door. How cute.
Kelly: We’re back to a commercial. Even cuter.
Mike: This show is SERIOUSLY backwards.
Kelly: No, it’s about right. Short matches, the main event-worthy match is no where near the main event, and Cena closes it. Sounds like Friday Night RAW to me!
John Cena confronts John Laurinaitis in the ring, who tells Cena that Big Show has been sent home. Johnny Ace tells Cena that if he loses on Sunday, he’ll be fired come Monday. Cena responds by decking Ace in his mush.
Kelly: Time for more verbal gems from Cena. Tuning out now.
Mike: I feel like this Big Show heel turn should have happened ten years ago. It would have been much more compelling.
Kelly: Cena wants to knock out Big Show. Big Show went home. He wants to knock out Laurinaitis now. The hat came off. Blah.
Mike: Betcha Big Show is still here.
Kelly: No doubt about it.
Mike: I’m just gonna sit back and wait for Show to arrive.
Kelly: And I’ll just wait for the credits to arrive. There they are! And with no Show in sight.
Mike: Wow. Cena hurt his hand punching Big Johnny.
Kelly: Despite how weak the punch actually looked.
Mike: It was 100x more legit than the punch that felled Vince.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: The only good part was the first little chunk. With all the Bryan/Punk/AJ/Kane/Sheamus/Ziggles/Vickie stuff.
Mike: I feel like the show should have gone this way: open with Big Show and Ace, end the first hour with Cena, and finish with the tag team match.
Kelly: Exactly. But no. They refuse to do that with Punk or Bryan or anybody else, but Cena. Very frustrating to see him close everything out, even though he’s not really relevant right now.
Mike: One could argue that control of both Raw and Smackdown is more important than either title.
Kelly: I guess so. But it’s all a little too absurd.
Mike: This is wrestling we’re talking about.
Kelly: Ugh. Stop being right.
Mike: Anywho, I’d like to give all you dads a shout-out. Happy Father’s Day, ya old windbags!
Kelly: Drink a beer or two, and make your kids do shit!
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, alicia fox, Beth Phoenix, big show, Booker T, brodus clay, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, Heath Slater, Hornswoggle, jack swagger, john cena, John Laurinaitis, kane, Kelly Floyd, Layla, Mark Henry, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, muppets, No Way Out, ryback, sheamus, Smackdown, Tensai, The Miz, Tyson Kidd, Vickie Guerrero, vince mcmahon, WWE