The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 06.18.12
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Live from Long Island, NY
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Mick Foley joins us to start, and he’s acting as this week’s GM for both shows. Tonight’s main event is Kane & Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk & Sheamus. Mick brings out Big Johnny for his farewell address and then disappears for the rest of the show, so for those who had “The very next night” in the pool of when he’d be back on the show after getting fired, you win. And before he got fired, he booked Cena v. himself, Big Show & David Otunga. That makes him the most far-sighted member of the creative team they have, then.
Kane & Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk & Sheamus
So not the main event, I guess. Bryan is crazy over tonight, as you’d expect from a super-smark crowd. Bryan low-bridges Sheamus out of the ring, but he slingshots back in with a shoulderblock and powerslams Bryan for two. Punk slingshots in for two, but he gets beat down in the heel corner. Kane with a corner clothesline for two as the announcers actually put over Punk by talking about how Punk is a very long reigning champion. Kane works him over and gets the flying clothesline as we take a break. Back with Kane trying a chokeslam, but Punk counters out with the high kick. Hot tag to Sheamus and he comes off the top with a shoulderblock on Kane, and a powerslam gets two. He pounds on Bryan with the forearms, but Kane dumps him after an awkward spot where Sheamus was clearly waiting for Kane to hit his mark. Bryan gets a low dropkick on the floor and now Sheamus is the face in peril. Bryan with a dropkick in the corner and he hits the chinlock, and kicks Sheamus down for two. Kane comes in with the flying clothesline for two. Bryan misses a blind charge and it’s hot tag Punk. Bulldog gets two and he goes up, but Bryan brings him down with a superplex. And then AJ skips down to the ring, dressed like Kane. This of course has Kane flummoxed, and Punk brings in Sheamus to finish with a GTS into a Brogue Kick at 14:00. Entertaining TV tag match with the usual fuck finish for this feud. ***1/2
Meanwhile, Ziggler and Swagger are back to arguing again, so Vickie wants to settle things tonight for good.
Meanwhile, Big Johnny is laughing it up with Otunga, but Big Show finds NOTHING funny.
Jack Swagger v. Dolph Ziggler
The announcers argue about who has been carrying the team. I’ll settle it: In kayfabe, they both suck. Ziggler grabs a headlock, but hurts his knee when Swagger reverses out, so Swagger goes after it. He works on that while the crowd doesn’t really care about either guy. Ziggler makes a comeback, but Swagger puts him in the anklelock until Dolph powers out and finishes with the Zig Zag at 4:07. Vickie rewards him with a kiss and they leave Swagger laying in the ring. Not exactly a dominating win for Ziggler, but I’ll take what I can get. **
RAW 1000 Moment: Mick Foley annoys Vince McMahon in the hospital, and then Austin beats the crap out of him. They focus on the bedpan shot and skip the sodomy via catheter.
Paul Heyman comes out to answer HHH’s challenge from last night. The answers are no, no, and no. In that order. COOHHH interrupts, and points out that he’s not a “Heyman crony from the 90s and we’re not in a bingo hall” and he’s not drinking Heyman’s Kool-Aid. But he can give Brock Lesnar the promotional push he wants at Summerslam. Heyman laughs it off and notes that HHH is becoming more like Vince every day. He tries to goad HHH into hitting him so he can sue (“…but I do have something for Stephanie!”),but it’s not until he insinuates that he’s smarter than HHH that the knockout punch comes. Mess with the man’s wife if you will, but you better not mess with the catchphrase! This was all really, REALLY inside and I don’t know if it connected like they wanted.
Alberto Del Rio v. Santino Marella
Wait, so Del Rio couldn’t get cleared for last night, but he’s fine for RAW? As usual, Santino is not defending the US title. Del Rio with a low dropkick for two, but Santino makes the comeback. ADR blocks the Cobra with an enzuigiri and the armbar finishes at 1:20. Well Santino lasted longer than last time. ½*
Layla introduces Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter, but Heath Slater quickly interrupts as this goes off the cliff in record time. And then it manages to go off ANOTHER cliff as Roddy Piper interrupts Heath’s new single and declares his love for Cyndi. Michael Cole spends the whole segment burying it, so WHY DID THEY PUT IT ON TV?! THREE HOUR RAWS ARE COMING, PEOPLE. There’s only gonna be more of this crap. Oh, and TAKE THAT, Cyndi Lauper, for daring to be successful and ungrateful towards the WWF.
Epico & Primo v. The Primetime Playaz
Epico gets dominated in the AW corner, but quickly makes the hot tag to Primo. He dropkicks Young and gets a rollup for two, but O’Neil cleans house. Primo hits the backstabber on Young for two, but Titus makes the save and the Playaz walk out at 2:50. This show is getting worse by the second. ½*
John Cena v. Big Show, David Otunga & Johnny Ace
As if this is gonna happen. Show decides to walk out because he’s onto bigger things. So that leaves Cena merely 2-on-1. Otunga poses as usual and gets his ass kicked, and Big Johnny wants no part of a tag. Cena brawls outside with Otunga and gets sent into the stairs. Back in, Otunga works him over, and now Johnny wants in, and you know how that goes for him. Three FUs and the STF hopefully retire the Big Johnny character for a long time at 6:00. DUD
Is Eve dead or what? And where the fuck is Jerry Lawler’s pizza already? And what happened to a different legends match on RAW every week leading up to the 1000th show?
See you on Thursday for Impact.