Welcome back to the latest installment of what the Daily Bugle calls, “The most pointless exercise in reading…ever,” and the Arizona State Sentinel declares, “Really? That’s a thing? Never heard of it.” Let’s get right down to brass tacks!
Teddy Long appears at the ramp to remind us that Mick Foley is in charge this week after John Laurinaitis was fired last Sunday at No Way Out. Before he can say anything else, Big Show interrupts to tell everyone he’s going to be in one of the Money in the Bank matches this year. Brodus Clay heads to the ring to settle the score with Show, but Otunga attacks his injured leg from behind and Big Show wipes Clay out.
Kelly: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Nope, your time machine is still a pile of junk. We are actually coming at you on time this week!
Mike: Well, by the time they read this, it’ll be Saturday morning the earliest.
Kelly: Well…WE’RE on time. That’s all that matters.
Mike: Teddy Long is out to let us all know that John Laurinaitis was fired last Sunday. Who knew, right?
Kelly: I barely do. DirecTV screwed me big time on Sunday.
Mike: You didn’t miss much. Hey, here’s Big Show.
Kelly: He talks about Cena for a hot minute, and moves on to talk about Money in the Bank.
Mike: Show says the fans are booing him because he claims that he’ll beat Cena one-on-one. Yeah, Paul; that’s why they’re booing you. It has nothing to do with the fact that you should be retired by now.
Kelly: Holy Funkasaurus, Batman.
Mike: He’s about to get his ass beat….wow, eat my words! Show gets taken down!
Kelly: Big things happen when you don’t dance like Elaine from Seinfeld.
Mike: Do our readers even know what Seinfeld is? I had to explain to my students the other day what a VHS tape is.
Kelly: Don’t even talk to me about it. My kids think AC/DC is country music.
Kelly: Oh, is this over with? Splendid.
Mike: Otunga attacks Brodus Clay’s leg, allowing Big Show to deliver the WMD.
Kelly: It seems that Otunga found Randy Orton’s spare baby oil supply.
Ryback destroys two more jobbers. Yawn. After that, Vickie Guerrero informs Mick Foley backstage that she’ll be running the show next week and threatens to make him her lackey. Foley counters that by telling her Great Khali is his second-in-command tonight.
Kelly: Lilian looks hot today.
Mike: Hey, two scrawny kids are in the ring. Guess what that means?
Kelly: I’m distracted by the “RYBACK…feed me more!” sign with a heart on it. Raunchy.
Mike: I forgot that shiny objects grab your attention easily.
Kelly: It happens.
Mike: Ryback takes a page out of Orton’s book and calls his opponents “stupid” before destroying them utterly.
Kelly: I love Ryback, and even I’m losing wood for these matches.
Mike: Honestly, for all the readers know, we could have skipped this match completely and no one would be the wiser.
Kelly: Speaking of skipping, can we blow past Foley speaking with the Orange Blob?
Mike: Which one, Vickie or Khali?
Christian vs Alberto del Rio
Mike: Daniel Bryan reminisces about Marty Jannetty taking the Intercontinental Championship from Shawn Michaels.
Kelly: Next, Caramel Thunder appears.
Mike: I heard he’s not exactly happy with his role in the company as of late.
Kelly: I don’t really blame him.
Mike: His “destiny” was the right place, wrong time, if you ask me.
Kelly: I completely agree.
Mike: Del Rio is picking apart Christian with knees to the head in the corner.
Kelly: Alberto seems to have the upper hand when we return from the commercial break, working on Christian’s left arm vigorously.
Mike: Christian mounts a comeback and climbs to the top rope…but del Rio avoids it!
Kelly: Boom! Huge DDT to del Rio, but it ain’t over.
Mike: Alberto fights back and runs at Christian in the corner, but he eats feet and Christian is able to hit the missile drop kick for two!
Kelly: Del Rio is on his back, as Christian calls for a Spear that Alberto stops.
Mike: Rodriguez distracts Christian long enough for Alberto to hit the Enziguri and he forces Christian to tap out!
Mike: Cody Rhodes is here to pick apart the remains of the Intercontinental Champion!
Kelly: Not too shabby.
Kane vs Daniel Bryan w/ Special Guest Bell Ringer AJ Lee
Mike: Recap of the AJ/Kane/Punk/Bryan quadrangle. Thoughts?
Kelly: Hard to give thoughts. I missed most of the beginning, was blind to some of it through hatred, and just when I got on board with it, missed the PPV.
Mike: This is why you should always listen to me.
Kelly: Kane walks out all scary-like.
Mike: That could actually be AJ. They look alike now, apparently.
Kelly: No but like seriously, bitch is crazy.
Mike: Crazy is relative.
Kelly: Speaking of crazy, here she is.
Mike: I know; I’ve been speaking to you for about an hour now.
Kelly: Hey, she makes me look like dried paint.
Mike: That’s why I love her.
Kelly: As long as she stays like this, I’m okay with it. Keep her out of the boots, and keep her in the crazy eyes.
Mike: DB is actually holding his own quite well against Kane.
Kelly: I’ve noticed that recently. His size doesn’t stick out anymore.
Mike: Kane catches Bryan by the throat as he delivers a series of kicks.
Kelly: Now Kane’s pissed, doing anything he can to halt the momentum of D-Bry.
Mike: Choke slam countered into a low kick to the knee, followed by a vicious kick to the temple!
Kelly: Bryan flies through the air, but smacks against the mat, lifting his head only because Kane’s hand is on his throat. Suddenly, sleeper hold from Bryan!
Mike: Kane breaks free, but Bryan rolls through for the Yes Lock!
Kelly: Kane reaches for the rope and misses but…the bell rings. Stupid AJ.
Mike: Bryan thinks he’s won, but the ref tells him he never called for the bell. Kane ends it with a choke slam!
Kelly: Call me crazy, but that wasn’t too bad!
Mike: I know; aside from the finish, I liked that match. That makes two in a row tonight.
Kelly: I’d say hell is freezing over, but I live in hell, and it’s still hot.
Heath Slater vs Zack Ryder
Mike: Here comes the fashionably-challenged Mick Foley. Is that a tie-dye shirt under a sports jacket?
Kelly: He looks snazzy, okay?
Mike: Yes. Spazzy.
Kelly: Ugh. Why does Heath Slater exist?
Mike: So Zack Ryder can defeat him!
Kelly: While we’re (sort of) on the topic…did Justin Gabriel die?
Mike: No, he’s teaming with Tyson Kidd.
Kelly: I always thought that diving into the endless folds of Kelly Kelly would be his demise. Oh well. Ryder is embarrassing Slater as promised.
Mike: “Endless folds”?
Kelly: Use your imagination.
Mike: I am. It currently involves Trish Stratus, Rosa Mendes, and Jessica Alba in a tub of champagne.
Damien Sandow encounters Ryder and Foley backstage. Afterwards, the Primetime Players battle the Usos in the ring.
Kelly: The TV PG symbol is in the way, but I assume that’s Damien Sandow that Foley and Ryder are talking to?
Mike: Unless the symbol grew a beard.
Kelly: Which would be awesome.
Mike: Here come the screaming Usos, ready to job to the Primetime Players.
Kelly: Who are the tag team champions, again?
Mike: The Bushwhackers, I think.
Kelly: I could actually believe that, considering the WWE spends more time focusing on Former NFL Guy and Black Cena than their own champs.
Mike: To be fair, R-Truth has a broken foot.
Kelly: Suck it up. Wuss.
Mike: I suspect O’Neil and Young will walk away from this match like they did on Monday night.
Kelly: I was kind of hoping that Abraham Washington would die with ECW.
Mike: They don’t even refer to him by name; now he’s just AW.
Kelly: And biggity boom, the Primetime Players win it. Yay. And there was much rejoicing.
Mike: No Holds Barred commercial! And they made a “Dooky” reference!
Kelly: I have a Doo-Key. It’s a pink poop that fits over my work key. There’s your random fact for the day.
Backstage, Epico and Primo jump the Primetime Players. Santino is in the ring, showing off fan signs. He asks a Santino fan to come into the ring and she devours him with a kiss in a rather pointless comedy segment.
Mike: Epico and Primo jump the Primetime Players backstage as lovely Rosa screams at them!
Kelly: Screeches, more like.
Mike: She has the voice of an angel.
Kelly: That has been shot with a crossbow. That is also on fire. And filled with snakes.
Mike: Whatevs. Santino is in the ring, making the cameraman show off the signs in the crowd.
Kelly: He asks an eager lady with an “I <3 Santino” sign to come down to the ring…and she eats his face.
Mike: That was A LOT of lipstick.
Sheamus vs Dolph Ziggler
Kelly: My dad still calls him “Mr. Ziggles” to this day.
Mike: How cute.
Kelly: I thought so.
Mike: This should be another great match.
Kelly: Because it should be, it won’t be. Count on it.
Mike: We haven’t gone wrong yet tonight. Have some faith!
Kelly: Having faith is not my superpower. Being super-bitchy is.
Mike: This is true.
Kelly: Sheamus is thrown from the ring, and denied re-entry thanks to Ziggles.
Mike: Ziggler has Sheamus trapped in a headlock, but Sheamus fights out and tosses Dolph to the outside.
Kelly: Sheamus has Dolph’s orange leg on the steel step, but Vickie distracts long enough for Dolph to turn the tables.
Mike: Wow! Beautiful FameAsser off the steps!
Kelly: Sheamus kicks out so hard, Dolph headbutts the ref. Ziggler tries for the sleeper but never locks it in. Sheamus is thrown into 619 position…wait…
Mike: Shades of Mysterio?
Kelly: I miss that glorious little caramel bastard.
Mike: Ewww. Please stop referring to men as caramel. It’s not appetizing.
Kelly: Speak for yourself.
Mike: Dolph slips out of White Noise and plants Sheamus with a beautiful DDT!
Kelly: That was incredible!
Mike: Sheamus to the top rope….flying shoulder tackle!
Kelly: But Dolph kicks out.
Mike: Vicious chops to Ziggler’s chest, but Dolph still has enough energy to fight back. He runs into a devastating Brogue Kick from out of nowhere!
Kelly: Sheamus gets the pin, with the “Push Ziggler” sign in the background.
Mike: Closing thoughts?
Kelly: One of the better episodes I’ve seen lately. Not a lot of fluff and some good, good matches.
Mike: See? Say I was right.
Kelly: I was right.
Mike: No, I was right.
Kelly: That’s what I said. Bitch.
Kelly: Watch me win some more arguments next week, and I’ll teach Goji how to tap dance while I’m at it!
Mike: I’ll teach you how to be funny.
Kelly: I’ll teach you how to be polite.
Mike: Not bloody likely.
Kelly: Okay, then watch Goji hurt my feelings some more next week!
Kelly: So long…
Mike: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: abraham washington, aj lee, alberto del rio, big show, brodus clay, Bushwhackers, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, ECW, Epico, Great Khali, Heath Slater, Intercontinental Championship, john cena, John Laurinaitis, Justin Gabriel, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kelly Kelly, Lillian Garcia, Marty Jannetty, Mick Foley, Mike Gojira, No Holds Barred, Primetime Players, Primo, R-Truth, randy orton, rey mysterio, Ricardo Rodriguez, Rosa Mendes, ryback, Santino Marella, shawn michaels, sheamus, Smackdown, Teddy Long, Trish Stratus, Tyson Kidd, usos, Vickie Guerrero, WWE, zack ryder