The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 06.25.12
Live from Fort Wayne, IN
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Meanwhile, AJ is still crazy and talking to herself. Don’t care, I’d still hit it, I’ve been with crazier and survived.
Vickie Guerrero is this week’s GM, and announces that a permanent replacement will be named at RAW 1000.
Daniel Bryan v. Kane v. CM Punk
This is elimination rules and is obviously non-title. The latest obnoxious thing from WWE is running Twitter polls. Kane dominates both guys to start, but they put him down with stereo kicks as we’re back to “TRENDING WORLDWIDE! TRENDING WORLDWIDE!” bullshit again. Guess Vince must have woke up this morning and decided he loves Twitter again. Kane gets dumped, but still fights off both guys, and we take a break. Back with Kane beating on everyone in the corner, but he goes up and Bryan tries to bring him down, before settling for a rollup on Punk that gets two. Punk and Bryan hit Kane with a double suplex and Punk makes the comeback on Bryan, and then backdrops Bryan onto Kane outside. Back in, Punk springboards in, but Bryan blocks it and tries the Yes Lock. Punk catapults out of that and gets two, but Kane boots him down for two. Sideslam gets two. Kane gets the flying clothesline and goes to finish, but AJ skips out and Kane Goes 2 Sleep at 10:02. Bryan quickly kicks Punk out cold at 10:15 for the win. Not sure what the point of elimination rules was, but if it sets up another Punk-Bryan PPV match then it’s all good. ***
Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio tries to woo Vickie, but Dolph cockblocks him. Vickie makes a #1 contender on a pole match between them to settle things. Seriously? We’re back to “blank on a pole” matches again?
Big Show v. Brodus Clay
So much for that ban from RAW. Michael Cole explains that Vickie has overturned Big Johnny’s ruling, so Brodus is back on RAW. Slugfest to start, but Show kicks him in the knee and goes to work immediately. Show wraps it around the post and follows with a pump splash, but Clay makes the comeback. A slam backfires and Show gets the anticlimactic pin at 2:22 to end the undefeated streak. Dude got nothing here. DUD What’s even more annoying is that they’re playing the “WHO CAN END THE BIG SHOW’S REIGN OF TERROR?” card, but John Cena just beat him! So they’re telling the story backwards again.
Bob Barker shares his memories of hosting RAW.
Meanwhile, Kane shares his feelings with AJ: He’s just not boyfriend material, and he likes to eviscerate people and even he thinks she’s mentally unstable.
US title: Santino Marella v. Jack Swagger
Apparently Santino has been champion for FIVE MONTHS now. That’s crazy, especially since he’s had something like 2 title defenses in that time. Swagger pounds away in the corner, but runs away from a potential cobra strike. He manages to hit a slam for two, but Santino puts him down with a backdrop suplex. Santino makes the comeback and finishes with the Cobra at 2:35 to retain. *
John Cena is out to make stupid Star Wars references and a historic announcement, but Chris Jericho returns to interrupt him. Cena announces that he’s anticipating Big Show getting the belt any day now, so he’s entering himself into Money In The Bank so he can win it first. Jericho thinks he’s an arrogant jackass and also enters himself into the match. Vickie comes out and points out that neither guy can just enter himself into the match, but then she enters Cena, Jericho, Kane and Show into the match anyway, because only WWE former champions can enter. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the entire purpose of the match?
Heath Slater v. Sid
Perhaps, in retrospect, saying that he ruled the world was a bad move. Sid’s looking like an old redneck now and isn’t moving too well. Slater manages to get him down by attacking the knee, but he walks into a clothesline and legdrop. Powerbomb finishes at 1:30. Pretty tepid reaction for Sid, actually, but they’re definitely doing the right nostalgia by sticking to the 90s instead of the usual 70s and 80s guys.
Contract On A Pole: Alberto Del Rio v. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler makes a run for the pole, but ADR brings him down and gets a backbreaker. They both fail to get to the pole and ADR slingshots Ziggler into the corner, but he tries to climb instead. They both climb in the corner and Del Rio brings him down with a samoan drop off the top. This thing is just dying here. Ziggler climbs again and gets the contract, but Del Rio knocks it out of his hands and they fight for it on the mat as Cole says you have to “control it”. This match is stupid. Roberto tries to steal it, so Ziggler kicks it out of the ring and they tumble out together. Finally Sheamus comes out and announces that he’ll fight both of them on Friday. What a giant waste of time this all was. DUD
Divas battle royale:
Speaking of wastes of time, AJ wins at 1:30, eliminating Vickie. I hate to say I’m getting sick of AJ, but it might be happening.
Chris Jericho v. John Cena
Eh, I’m done with this show tonight. They get in one more shit finish, with Big Show coming in for the DQ and beating up Cena because he’s a big meanie.
So Charlie Sheen will be tweeting during RAW 1000. That’s something, right? Right?