Hello Pulse readers, I’m
that guy who types things Harold Fitterman but you already knew that.
What’s that assistant? What do you mean they don’t know who I am? What about the flyers and billboard signs? What do you mean there was no advertisement campaign? What am I under-paying you for?
Anyway as the newest and highest paid recapper on this site I….
What do you mean I’m not being paid?! You get my agent on the phone now!
What do you mean you can’t do that because you’re just a figment of my imagination?! You’re fired!
Where was I? Oh yes, to ensure that this is the best column not only on this site but the entire internet I’ll be giving out cash prizes to the first 10 people who comment on this article, and by cash I mean Monopoly money and by “giving out” I mean I.O.U.s which you may or may not receive.
(imaginary assistant) You’ll never get one.
I thought I fired you!
So are you excited? I know I am. Let’s get this party started.
Zack Ryder vs. Michael McGillicutty
Arm drag by McG to start. Ryder responds with a behind-the-back wristlock. McG gets the rope-break. The 2 start jaw-jacking and McG pie-faces him so Ryder puts him down with a right hand. Ryder with a pair of arm-drags (Armstrong calls one of them a hip toss) and a flapjack. A lariat sends McG over the top rope and Ryder follows him outside with a slingshot cross body. They end up on the ring edge and McG drops him face-first with a D.D.T. which gets a 2-count. Armstrong mentions that Ryder has a D.V.D. out. Why he felt the need to tell such a cruel and classless joke I’ll never know. A back breaker and diving double-axe handle by McG gets another 2-count. Zack fights out of a chin lock and hits a face buster. McG sends an advancing Ryder over the top rope but he lands on the apron. McG is ready though and executes a neck breaker using the top rope. Fade to black….
…and it’s commercial time. An advertisement for “The Best of Clash of The Champions” is shown. I’ll have to look this up on Amazon.
We rejoin the action as Ryder starts to fight back with some right hands. He ducks the 1st lariat but doesn’t see the second one since he doesn’t have eyes in the back of his hand. Well that or the ability to get management to treat him with any respect. McG gets 2. Ryder gets draped on the middle rope and takes some cross-face strikes for another 2-count. A standing dropkick gets 2. McG uses a body slam to set up another diving axe handle but Ryder rolls out of the way. McG tries to invade Ryder’s personal space in the corner but is thwarted by a pair of knees to the face and a missile dropkick. A jumping forearm shot puts McG on his ass which sets him up perfectly for the Browski Boot. This only gets 2 though. McG reverses an Irish-whip into a twisting backdrop driver for 2. Ryder slips out of a suplex and hits a hangman’s neck breaker for 2. Zack goes for the Rough Ryder but McG throws him over his head. Ryder goes for a toe kick but McG catches the leg. Zack counters with the gamengiri and finally hits the Rough Ryder for the 3-count.
Commercial for the main event at No Way Out which is Cena vs. Show. This will be the 4th…no 5th P.P.V. in a row that Cena will headline despite not holding a title since Sept. /Oct. of last year. Then again maybe “John Cena” is the most important title of all in the W.W.E.
The Usos vs. The Primetime Playas
Darren backs Jay into a corner with a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Jay puts Young in the corner and pats his ‘fro. Young doesn’t like this. Jay doesn’t care and floors him with a pair of knife edge chops. Jimmy is now legal and The Usos hit Darren with double back-elbows and follow up with a double elbow drop. Jumping lariat and knife edge chop for Young in the corner. Jay’s tagged back in and uses a running shoulder block on Young as Jimmy secures him in their corner with shoulder thrust for a 2-count. Jay catches a charging Young with a European uppercut in the corner and cuts-off O’Neil on the ring edge with a clothesline but Darren recovers and chop-blocks Jay’s left knee. O’Neil tags in and grabs the ankle so he can whip Jay’s leg and drive his knee into the canvas. Darren is front-suplexed by Titus onto Jay’s knee for 2. Titus with a body slam for 2. Jay fights out of a knee submission and catches Titus with a back body drop to tag in Jimmy. Jimmy goes to work on Young with a running head butt and a pair of lariats. One Samoan drop later and Young is sitting in the corner. Bad for him, good for Jimmy who smashes his face with a running hip attack. All four men are in the ring now and Titus throws Jay outside which hurts his knee even more. Jimmy throws Titus out and turns around just in time for Young to chop-block his left knee. Titus uses a backbreaker to hold Jay in place for Young’s middle-turnbuckle elbow drop and that’s enough for the win.
So I went to Amazon to get some details on this Clash of Champions release and start looking around and I notice…an actual Zack Ryder D.V.D.
Speaking of D.V.D.’s an advertisement for “E.C.W. Unreleased Vol. 1.” is shown. Damn it W.W.E. I only have finite funds. Stop trying to take it all. Hype video for the No Way Out pre-match show and a recap for a McMahon/John/Show/Cena segment from Raw. So McMahon calls out Lauren…uh however you spell his last name and John makes his way to OHMYGODIDONOTCARE!
Justin Gabriel vs. Hunico w/ Camacho
The two lock up. Hunico gains the advantage and uses a hip toss takedown. Gabriel responds with an arm drag into a shoulder lock. Hunico counters with a single-leg takedown but Gabriel is able to apply the shoulder lock again but this time he turns it into a sit-out pin forcing Hunico to grab the ropes. Hunico applies a cross-face and turns it into a pin but that only gets a count of 1. Gabriel with a headlock. Hunico pushes him off and gets shoulder-blocked. Nice sequence with Hunico leapfrogging Gabriel, Gabriel avoiding an inverted monkey flip with a cartwheel and Hunico ducking a lariat to attempt a springboard moonsault. Said moonsault is countered with a head-scissors takedown. Hunico responds with one of his own. Hunico charges and gets a back body drop to the floor. Gabriel follows him outside with a suicide dive. Ha ha ha, he didn’t even wait for him to turn around. Fantastic. Back in the ring Gabriel takes flight with the springboard cross body for 2. Gabriel with the suplex and he rolls through to apply a double shoulder lock. Hunico fights out but is put down with multiple kicks and overhead chops in a corner. Gabriel goes for a springboard maneuver but gets a dropkick to the gut. Both men are down as we head to a break.
A commercial for the 1,000 episode of Raw is shown. DX will be there. Joy.
Back to the action now and Hunico has a shoulder lock applied to Gabriel’s previously injured appendage. Gabriel fights back but gets hit with a spinning back drop driver for 2. Hunico targets the shoulder again and a small “U.S.A.” chant breaks out. For the guy from South Africa. Yep. Gabriel breaks the hold and uses a running sunset flip but Hunico rolls through and roundhouse kicks Gabriel in the head for a 2-count. Hunico reapplies the shoulder lock and Gabriel escapes but runs into a tilt-a-whirl breaker for another 2-count. Hunico with another shoulder lock (I’m starting to sound like a broken record here) and Gabriel turns it into an arm drag. A kick to the gut sets up Hunico for a springboard inverted ddt which gets 2. A jumping back kick and reverse crescent kick from Gabriel gets 2. Hunico appears to be going for a schoolboy pin but maintains the hold and dead-lifts Gabriel for a suplex but only gets 2. Gabriel catches Hunico bouncing off the ropes with a blue thunder bomb for 2. Gabriel with a tornado ddt attempt but Hunico turns it into a northern lights suplex for 2. Hunico ducks a kick but gets nailed with the enzugiri and Gabriel goes up top. Hunico sweeps the legs and crotches him on the top turnbuckle. The two fight for position and Gabriel gains the advantage. Camacho tries to interfere and Gabriel kicks him away. The distraction allows Hunico to land a few head-butts to the torso and execute what I can best describe as an inverted-sunset-flip-bomb to pick up the win. I feel confident in saying this match>every Raw main event for the past 3 months.
Well that’s it for this edition. Join me next time. Please. My confidence, and maybe sanity, depends on it.