The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 07.02.12
Live from Laredo, TX
John Cena is out to talk about how UNPREDICTABLE the Money In The Bank match is, but Daniel Bryan interrupts, and gets into a war of YES with CM Punk. Jericho joins them as they have a retarded argument about stealing catchphrases (and Punk calls Jericho “Bon Jovi”, which has to be a rib on Bryan Alvarez), and then Big Show and Kane both come out as this trainwreck continues, which triggers a big brawl to set up the main event tonight.
The Primetime Playaz, David Otunga & Cody Rhodes v. Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Christian & Santino Marella
Darren Young gets caught in the babyface corner to start, but O’Neil pulls him out to save, allowing Kofi to hit a dive on him. A donnybrook is threatened, but we take a break. Back with AW now mic’d up, as Titus gets a slam on Kofi for two. His wisdom includes “Go Titus!” and “Stay down, Kofi!”. Hot tag to Santino, who puts Otunga down for two and it’s BONZO GONZO. The Playaz take a walk to avoid any further damage, leaving Otunga and Cody on their own. And then Cody walks out on Otunga as well, just in time for a Brodus Clay run-in that leads to Santino hitting the Cobra at 7:02. So all the heels are losers and cowards. That sure makes me want to see the PPV. Total nothing match. ½*
Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio whines to guest GM Teddy Long about not getting his World title shot, so Long announces that it’s finally Sheamus v. Del Rio at the PPV because the all-powerful Board of Directors has decided that ADR is the #1 contender. For some reason. That match is like the drum solo of World title matches. They have no real issue with each other and it’s just Del Rio’s time to get the match so there it is, like it or not. Teddy promises a big surprise for Del Rio tonight.
RAW 1000 Moment: Shane McMahon trains Vince for his match with Steve Austin.
Alberto Del Rio v. Sin Cara
Del Rio blindsides him on the slide into the ring and tosses him, and applies the armbar on the floor for an apparent no-contest. If that was Teddy’s surprise I’d say it backfired. And what was the point of that? They want to beat Sin Cara but don’t actually want to BEAT him, I guess. Regardless, that doesn’t bode well for the long term prospects of Mr. Cara.
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan tries to woo AJ again, but she’s CRAZY.
Tomorrow night, Smackdown is live for some reason, and the main event is a battle royale for some reason. Compelling!
Paul Heyman, live via satellite, announces that Brock will be at RAW 1000 to answer HHH’s challenge. However, if Brock DOES accept the challenge, he’ll end HHH’s career so that he can retire and go run WWE. Oh man, HHH is going over.
Vickie Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler v. AJ & Sheamus
Jesus, so in addition to controlling the fate of the WWE title match at the PPV, AJ is ALSO feuding with Vickie Guerrero? And yet they have a backlog of guys in developmental that they can’t fit onto this show because they can’t come up with anything for them. Dolph dropkicks Sheamus out of the corner and works on the arm. DDT gets two and he goes to the chinlock, but Sheamus lays him out with a forearm and hits White Noise. Dolph tags out to Vickie to avoid the Brogue Kick, but Sheamus hits him with it anyway. And then AJ finishes Vickie with a Shining Wizard of all things at 3:23. I’m getting really sick of the AJ Show. They need to give her a week off or something. I guess it could have been worse and they could have had AJ pin Dolph or something. *
Meanwhile, AJ is IN THE VERY NEXT SEGMENT and stalks CM Punk, as he’s talking to his sister on the phone and she thinks he’s cheating on her.
Heath Slater v. Doink the Clown
Pretty sure that’s just some guy in the clown suit. Slater gets the advantage with a kneelift and a neckbreaker out of the corner for the pin at 1:18. Sadly for him, his celebration is cut off by DDP, who gives him a diamond cutter for some reason.
Kane v. Big Show
Show shoulderblocks Kane off the apron for a nice bump into the railing, and sends him gently into the stairs. He grabs a chair as they head back in, but Kane makes the comeback with a DDT for two. He grabs the chair, but Show spears him and chokeslams him on the chair for the pin at 3:41, looking like he messed up his shoulder hardcore in the process. *
Eve Torres returns from the dead, and Teddy gives her a nametag. And wouldn’t you know, it’s MORE AJ.
RAW 1000 Moment: Alberto Del Rio talks about the DX invasion. I somehow doubt that’s actually his favorite moment.
Tensai v. Tyson Kidd
Tensai beats on him in the corner, but Kidd gets a fluke rollup for the pin at 0:30. Well, see, they’re both in the MITB match, so they’ll trade wins and losses for a couple of weeks because none of them matter anyway, so that way instead of someone going into the match with momentum, everyone goes in with a bunch of losses.
Tensai beats up Kidd in the locker room afterwards to get his heat back. Wait, sorry, what heat?
John Cena & CM Punk v. Daniel Bryan & Chris Jericho
The babyfaces control Jericho and we take a break. Back with Jericho getting the arrogant cover on Cena before hitting the chinlock, but he misses the Lionsault. Bryan cuts off the tag and throws the kicks on Cena in the corner, for two. Jericho comes back in and they have an awkward attempt at a suplex that fails until Jericho just goes to a facelock. Wonder what the problem was there? Jericho with a DDT for two. Cena sends him into the corner and makes the hot tag to Punk, and it’s high knee and bulldog, but Bryan counters out. Punk powerslams him instead, into the Anaconda Vice, but Jericho makes the save. Cena and Jericho brawl to the back for some reason, leaving us with Punk v. Bryan. Punk gets a rollup for two, but Bryan hits the high kick and head kick for two. They fight to the top rope and Punk gets a superplex for two. And then it’s, you guessed it, more AJ. The guys ignore her and continue fighting, so she pulls a table out of the magic hyperspace under the ring. And the match just STOPS while they lie around off a collision and AJ threatens to put herself through the table. Both guys finally revive and AJ pushes Punk into Bryan and through the table. The referee is apparently unconcerned about any of this and doesn’t even call for a bell or check on the participants. Because, you know, it’s just stuff that happens on a show, so why should we care about petty concerns like wins and losses?
So yeah, that was a show. And another HOUR is coming in three weeks. Guess AJ will have to be in 20 segments instead of her usual 12.
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