Seems like it’s been awhile since I did one of these by myself, hasn’t it? Kelly’s on vacation this weekend and won’t be able to join me on our usual raunchy excursion. She did, however, leave a note for all of you:
Hello boys and girls! As you know, I live in Phoenix, Arizona, so I’ve run off to Santa Ana, California mere seconds before bursting into flames. Which was stupid, considering Money in the Bank is in my own damn backyard this weekend, but I requested the time off too far in advance so shut up. It’s forty degrees cooler here, so LEAVE ME ALONE. Anywho. Hope you have fun listening to Mike laugh at the jokes that only make sense in his head. I’m going to try and get some color in these pasty white legs. Be well, and junk.
Ah, Kelly……you’re lucky the fact that you have a rack gives you carte blanche to say whatever the hell you want in my columns. In light of Miss Floyd’s absence, I’ve asked two of my closest buds, Murphy and Shawn, to sit on my brand-new microfiber couch and watch the show with me this evening. I’ve been friends with these two for a good 20 years and they watched wrestling avidly back in the day; these days, not so much. Murphy watches Raw here and there and Shawn only follows when he’s invited over for a PPV, but they both know the business pretty well. I’ll recap each segment and they’ll throw in their two cents at the end of each one.
As the show begins Shawn remarks, “Smackdown’s on SyFy?! When the fuck did that happen?!” That should give you a clue as to how much wrestling he watches lately. We get a reminder that Zack Ryder is in charge tonight and lookee here…I was right, Kelly! Tonight’s show is called “Zackdown” after all! Lillian introduces our new GM and he feeds us his catchphrases until Alberto del Rio interrupts. He insults Ryder’s Internet Championship and says he’ll rule Smackdown after this Sunday. Ryder tells del Rio that he should shut up and get ready for his match against someone who owes del Rio a beating…
Alberto del Rio vs Sin Cara
Early in the match, del Rio assaults Sin Cara and whips him into the corner. Sin Cara avoids a charge and pounds away in anger, following it up with a DDT and a two count. The Mexican aristocrat tries to straddle Sin Cara against the ropes but misses a facewash and slips out of the ring. Sin Cara drops him into the barricade as del Rio attempts to get back in the ring and we head into the first commercial break.
Shawn: Things looked kind of off as del Rio worked slower than usual. Is Sin Cara accustomed to the WWE style yet?
Murphy: Shawn thinks Sin Cara will lose, but I don’t see it. He’s got his lighting, so that gives him the advantage.
Back from break, and del Rio is headbutting Sin Cara on the top rope. Sin Cara gets tossed off the top and a pin is attempted, but Sin Cara kicks out. An attempt to regain momentum with a flying leap is countered into a backbreaker. Del Rio begins working on the arm as Sin Cara screams in pain. He finally gains the advantage with a botched corner charge into a headscissors takedown. Sin Cara leaps off the top rope and misses a splash, which allows del Rio to lock in the Cross Arm Breaker for the tap out.
John Cena tells Tout his favorite moment on Raw was when he was first drafted to the show. Then we get fan submissions. I’ve only just heard of Tout…what the fuck is the point of this?
Teddy Long tells Zack he thinks he’ll do a great job. Big Show threatens to destroy Ryder and take over his job….but Great Khali saves the day and will apparently face Show later tonight.
Murphy: That Khali/Show match is going to suck.
Shawn: I agree.
Darren Young vs Primo
The lovely Rosa Mendes is back on my TV screen! Yay! The whole room is silent as she dances into the ring. See, Kelly? It’s not just me! Abraham Washington is miked up again, so we need to hear his inane commentary throughout the arena as Rosa screams at him to stop talking. This cheap attempt at heel heat just distracts from the match; in theory, it should distract an opponent, but it distracts the fans too. Young is working over Primo as AW screams, “Millions of dollars!” every time his man hits a move. Eventually, both men avoid each other’s finishers and Primo wins with a nice roll up!
Murphy: I remember when Layla and Michelle McCool tried that microphone gag. That lasted a week for a reason.
Shawn: I don’t mind hearing Rosa scream; she’s not as bad as Vickie Guerrero. But damn, can she move!
Memorable Raw Moment: Edge’s retirement speech. Murphy says, “Edge turned into a really good wrestler and I never saw that shit coming.”
Sheamus and Ryder are chatting backstage when Chris Jericho interrupts to say he wanted to see this train wreck for himself. Ryder makes a match between Jericho and Sheamus for later tonight!
Murphy: Sheamus is apparently borrowing lines from Major League 2.
Christian and Santino Marella vs Dolph Ziggler and Cody Rhodes
This should be a good match. Shawn is glad Cody finally lost the face protector (!), while Murphy is glad he finally decided to wear knee pads. Christian starts with Rhodes and Cody gets the upper hand with stomps until Christian counters and tags in Santino. Cody wants nothing to do with Marella and tags in Ziggler. Santino leap frogs over a Dolph charge into the corner and nails a perfect hip toss. Christian gets the tag and hits his “slide out of the ring and slap a guy” move for a two count. Really? Two? Dolph and Cody make a series of quick tags, ending with a sleeper on Christian. The Intercontinental Champion tries to escape but it’s no good as Cody gets tagged in to continue the beating. Christian avoids an Alabama Slam and brings in Santino for the hot tag! He cleans house and goes for the Cobra, but a clusterfuck ensues as Ziggler (now the legal man) drops Santino with the ZigZag for the win.
Shawn: I think Dolph is winning Money in the Bank this Sunday. Tensai/Albert doesn’t stand a chance.
Murphy: After he lost to Tyson Kidd, Tensai’s got nothing going for him. It’s like Umaga: take a guy with not much talent and turn him into a monster.
Raw Recap: The CM Punk/Daniel Bryan/AJ Love Triangle.
Shawn: THAT’S AJ? I’d definitely let her come near me.
Murphy: They really turned Daniel Bryan into the ladies’ man. First Gail Kim, then the Bellas, then AJ.
Shawn: I love AJ. She could be a crazy bitch and I’ll take her any day.
Big Show vs Great Khali
“Match of the century,” says Murphy. I love sarcasm. “I predict Khali wins with the 450 Splash,” Murphy continues. Show wins with the WMD in about 15 seconds. “Really?! I couldn’t even take an actual piss break!”, Shawn laments.
Ryback vs Tyler Reks
Trash talking from Reks to start things off. I’m intrigued to get the first reaction from my friends on Ryback. Reks gets in some offense, but Ryback shrugs it all off and nails an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Not long after that, he finishes the match with his finisher.
Shawn: GOOOOOOLDBERG! I can’t see how that finisher would actually put someone away.
Murphy: I don’t know.
Memorable Raw Moment: Hugh Jackson reminisces about the time he “broke” Ziggler’s jaw.
Damien Sandow vs Justin Gabriel
Murphy thinks Sandow has the edge in the beard department, even surpassing Daniel Bryan. I have to agree. Gabriel weathers an early beating, but a leap of faith into the corner allows Sandow to regain the advantage, ending the match with the Rude Awakening.
Shawn: He can do a cartwheel! I think it was over too fast.
Murphy: He might do okay in the future.
Recap of the Anonymous GM reveal.
Shawn: So Hornswoggle was allegedly the GM this whole time? Riiiiight.
Murphy: I might be tempted to go back and see if there were clues to his identity back when he ran Raw a couple of years ago, but that would require me to care.
Sheamus vs Chris Jericho
Time for what should be an awesome main event! Both men try to gain the early lead as they trade moves in the opening moments. Sheamus has control in the corner and traps Y2J in the ropes for his clubbing attack and knocks Jericho off the apron and right into the announce table! As Sheamus tries to continue the assault outside, Y2J tosses the champ into the steel steps! They get back into the ring and Jericho works over Sheamus’s head and tries to spear him in the corner…but Sheamus dodges him! Jericho runs at his opponent and Sheamus catches him in the Irish Curse backbreaker! Rolling Senton gets a two count! Jericho hits a thumb to the eye and tries for a Code Breaker, but Sheamus blocks it! Brogue Kick is dodged and Sheamus eats a drop kick, followed by the Lionsault! Sheamus gets his third wind and attempts a Celtic Cross, but Y2J counters it into the Walls of Jericho! Sheamus reaches the ropes, attempts White Noise, and Jericho reverses THAT into another Walls! Sheamus nearly taps but he manages to break free! White Noise connects for two and three-quarters! Jericho dodges another Brogue Kick and lands a Code Breaker! Sheamus barely manages to kick out. He crawls to the corner and kicks Jericho away, then flips up to the top rope. Shoulder tackle is countered into a brilliant Code Breaker!!! Sheamus AGAIN kicks out and both men slowly get to their feet. Jericho calls for Sheamus to get up and he eats a Brogue Kick! That’s all she wrote. What a great bout! After the match, del Rio’s car makes an appearance and Sheamus focuses on the ruse as del Rio himself attacks from behind and kicks the champ’s head clean off! Well, not really, but you get the idea. He traps Sheamus in the Cross Arm Breaker, using the stage for leverage, as the show ends.
Shawn: Great match, but I was hoping Jericho would win.
Murphy: Pretty damn good for a Smackdown match.
Final thoughts on the show, guys?
Shawn: I was hoping it would have been better, like it was years ago. That Jericho match was awesome, though. I really liked the AJ bit.
Murphy: Dude, that was just a recap from Raw.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: abraham washington, aj lee, alberto del rio, Anonymous GM, big show, chris jericho, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Darren Young, Dolph Ziggler, edge, goldberg, Great Khali, Hornswoggle, Hugh Jackman, john cena, Justin Gabriel, Kelly Floyd, Layla, michelle mccool, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, money in the bank, Primo, Rosa Mendes, ryback, Santino Marella, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, Teddy Long, Tensai, Tyler Reks, Tyson Kidd, Umaga, Vickie Guerrero, WWE, zack ryder