Ladies and gentlemen, we are mere DAYS away from the historic 1,000th episode of Monday Night Raw. Just think about that for a moment. For 1,000 weeks we have watched well over 2,000 hours of the WWE’s programming. That’s over 80 days of our lives we’ve fed the WWE machine, and that’s only counting Raw itself. With the obvious hype for the show well underway here at the Pulse, I thought it would be interesting to throw my two cents into the ring and book my own version of how next Monday’s three-hour extravaganza should play out. This little jaunt will attempt to satiate my own personal interests in the product and will probably not be fully agreed upon by my peers, but….so it goes.
The following “What If?” scenario takes into account the results of Money in the Bank but ignores the announcement of Cena’s cash-in and the AJ/Bryan wedding.
We get a video package highlighting Raw’s greatest moments from 1993 all the way through Punk’s pipe bomb of last year. Vince McMahon heads to the ring and reminisces for a bit, thanking the fans for getting the company this far. McMahon name-drops a bunch of former employees who are backstage and announces that there will be a Legends Battle Royale to determine the greatest Raw Superstar in history. He also says that, as a special treat for the fans, we will get to see CM Punk defend the WWE Championship in a 60-minute Ironman match with none other than Daniel Bryan!
Before Vince can announce who the new General Manager will be, he’s interrupted…by Damien Demento?! Demento tells Vince that he’s mad he didn’t get invited to the show; after all, he main evented the first-ever Raw with the Undertaker. He throws in a little worked-shoot promo about not getting an opportunity until the lights go out and Undertaker arrives! Vince tells Damien that he’s finally got another opportunity, but he has to defeat the Undertaker in a match right now! Taker makes short work of Demento, hitting all of his spots and ending the match with a Tombstone. Vince then reveals that Undertaker is the new GM of Monday Night Raw!
Chris Jericho and Christian vs Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler
This match came about as a result of Ziggler’s smack talk last Monday night. It also reunites the team of Jericho and Christian. Ziggler avoids Jericho for much of the match and abandons Rhodes when the going gets rough, which lets the faces dominate and win with the Walls of Jericho.
Backstage, John Cena is talking to Matt Striker about holding the Money in the Bank briefcase and The Rock shows up to interrupt! They have a verbal sparring session and Rock tells Cena he’s going to make a statement tonight in the Battle Royale by taking out Mr. Money in the Bank.
The DX Reunion and Brock Lesnar
Triple H and Shawn Michaels head to the ring and play some clips of their time in the first version of DX as well as the watered-down version we all got a few years ago. They yuck it up until Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman interrupt to a chorus of boos. Heyman does most of the talking, but Lesnar sums it up by saying that at Summerslam, he will break every bone in Triple H’s body. He cheap shots Triple H and HBK attacks Lesnar. Meanwhile, Heyman handcuffs The Game to the ring ropes and assists Lesnar in taking care of Michaels. Lesnar destroys HBK as Triple H looks on helplessly.
Backstage, AJ tells Punk that he’s invited to their wedding (it’s still happening, just not at the 1,000th episode) and he tries to talk her out of it. Bryan interrupts and tells Punk that he should be more focused on holding onto the title because there’s no way he can go 60 minutes with Daniel Bryan.
Alberto del Rio vs Rey Mysterio vs Sin Cara
Yup, a triple threat with three luchadores. Awesome, I know. Rey wins his first match back after his suspension.
An assortment of backstage shenanigans with Santino Marella, Zack Ryder, Hornswoggle, and past WWE C-listers ends with a Ron Simmons “Damn!”
WWE Divas’ Championship: Layla vs Beth Phoenix
Layla gets in some token offense, but Beth proves why she’s the dominant Diva with a Glam Slam and wins the title. Immediately after the match, Kharma heads to the ring and uses Layla as an example while Beth watches on in horror.
Legends Battle Royale
Rowdy Roddy Piper heads to the ring and Big Show interrupts his candid little speech. He says he’s going to win the Battle Royale and dares ANYONE to prove him wrong…cue the glass breaking; it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin! Austin stuns Show and Piper as other wrestlers from the past and present get their entrances: Bret Hart, John Cena, Sheamus, Ted DiBiase, Rikishi, Vader, Kane, Sycho Sid, Mick Foley, etc with The Rock as the last man to enter. The match is fierce and boils down to Hart, Cena, Rock, and Austin. Bret clearly is in no condition to work a match, so Austin manages to eliminate him. Both he and Rock double team Cena and then go after one another to a huge crowd reaction. Cena tosses Rock and, as he gloats, walks right into a Stunner! Cena tumbles out of the ring and Austin is the winner!
We get a montage of the wrestlers we’ve lost along the way, starting with Andre and ending with Savage.
The Miz and Heath Slater vs ?????????
The Miz heads to the ring to announce that he’s been overlooked for months but all that is going to change. Slater appears at the ramp and tells Miz that he feels the same way, but if they team up, they can beat anyone. Slater says that he knows he and Miz can beat anyone who heads down the ramp…as Miz tries to shut him up, knowing that all of Slater’s challenges end in failure. Lo and behold, the New Age Outlaws head to the ring in style and our impromptu match is underway! Miz gets in most of the offense for his team, but Slater tags himself in and the Outlaws take him apart. It’s not long before Road Dogg and Billy Gunn pick up the victory.
Backstage, Vince McMahon tries to calm Triple H down but he refuses to listen and promises to make Lesnar pay. He walks into Vince’s office and finds Stephanie McMahon crying and shaking on the floor. She tells her husband that Lesnar threatened her and that sets Triple H off as he destroys the office.
Ironman Match for the WWE Championship: CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan
An amazing showing from these two, as you’d come to expect. Mere written words can’t do this justice, but in the end Punk wins the match. The crowd is emotionally spent as Punk celebrates…until The Rock shows up! He delivers a Rockbottom and a message: Summerslam, the title is his!
And so ends my version of next week’s historic event. Honestly, that’s a tough show to book and I hope I did it justice. You know the old cliche about how some ideas look good on paper….
In any case, would you do anything similar? Perhaps completely different? I’m intrigued (that means you should probably fill up my comment section).
For my first “What IF?” column on how the Nexus should have played out, click here.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, Andre the Giant, Battle Royale, Beth Phoenix, big show, Bret Hart, Brock Lesnar, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Demento, Daniel Bryan, Divas Championship, Dolph Ziggler, DX, Heath Slater, Hornswoggle, Ironman match, john cena, kane, kharma, Layla, Mick Foley, Mike Gojira, money in the bank, New Age Outlaws, Paul Heyman, Randy Savage, Raw 1000, rey mysterio, Rikishi, Roddy Piper, Ron Simmons, Santino Marella, shawn michaels, sheamus, sin cara, Stephanie McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Summerslam, Sycho Sid, ted dibiase, The Miz, The Rock, triple h, undertaker, Vader, vince mcmahon, WWE, wwe championship, zack ryder