I have weird friends.
You see, I made it a goal to watch every single one of the films in the Medved brothers’ 50 Worst Movies of All Time book. I got stuck on 45, but then I was given The World’s Worst Movies by Tim Healey, and so I’ve seen another 60 or so films from that tome as well. Well, my friends have decided that I am to be the recipient of the worst movies they’ve ever seen. Last year that resulted in me writing a review of 5 “classic” films for the movies section of Inside Pulse (which I shan’t do again; let’s call it editorial differences).
But that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped watching them. Oh no. So why, you are probably asking around about now, are we talking about movies in a wrestling website? Sure, bad films often feature wrestlers, but why this? Well, a bizarre friend gave me a copy of Monster Brawl (2011), and this one is based all around wrestling.
Well, I guess it’s wrestling.
You see, it is a free-for-all “wrestling” tournament, using wrestling-style moves, featuring monsters against monsters. There are two conferences – undead and monsters. Jimmy Hart provides post-match commentary and is the in-ring announcer (with, of course, megaphone). The fighters are introduced with different sorts of intros. There’s an odd voice-over man (called God in the credits) who says little phrases at random times every so often as though it’s a video game, weapons are allowed, the referee is killed during the first match and, well, it’s odd.
And I could not stop watching it.
Match 1: Witch Bitch (introduced by her finding a midget to be her manager after the local townsfolk take to hassling her) vs Cyclops (introduced by some sort of Greek tragedy set-up on an island, talking about fortune telling and revenge against Hades). Weapons aplenty, and Cyclops wins by using some sort of laser from his eye.
Match 2: Lady Vampire (introduced by her eating an investigator in Vlad the Impaler’s castle, if his castle was an English country garden) vs The Mummy (introduced by a news report of a mummy missing from a museum, possibly running on a rampage, including a sheriff who sounds like a poor Elvis impersonator). Lady Vampire wins by ripping out The Mummy’s heart.
Match 3: Swamp Gut (introduced by a poor Richard Attenborough-type documentary about his fatness and putridness, all as an overweight swamp creature attacks two fishermen) vs Werewolf (introduced by a cliché-filled homage to all werewolf and revenge films ever, including the montage scene and heavy strings on the soundtrack). Werewolf wins by making Swamp Gut’s stomach explode.
Match 4: Zombie Man (introduced by Kevin Nash, playing an officer with the ultimate soldier/weapon) vs Frankenstein (introduced by a Frankenstein-esque voice-over of a German scientist who has created this Frankenstein’s-monster-like beast). Nash is Zombie Man’s manager. This film just stepped over the line into the surreal. Why isn’t Nash a manager in WWE at the moment? The commentators even mention that “technically it’s Frankenstein’s Monster if you want to be a dick about it.” Yeah, I’m enjoying this, so sue me. Frankenstein squashes Zombie Man’s head by stepping on it for the win.
Okay, about now, the dead rise from the graves to avenge Zombie Man, but Frankenstein scares them off. So the dead then eat Kevin Nash.
Now that the majority of matches are over… The wrestling is no worse than what you see in many indys. The camera angles and editing are quite well done, and the make-up beats half of the films I’ve seen lately. I should mention about now that this is virtually a one-man show, written, directed, edited and half a dozen other things by Jesse T Cook. Awesome.
Okay, I won’t go on. That’s enough spoilers. The tournament continues to the end, and it’s left open for a sequel. I think.
Look, if you rent this (or, heaven help you, buy it), then don’t expect an out-an-out gorefest, or Wrestlemania 18. It’s a bit gory and horror-like, and the wrestling is probably closer to Wrestlemania 9. The comedy doesn’t always hit the mark, but this is a rather entertaining parody of professional wrestling and all those monster v monster films.
It’s not a brilliant film, but it’s a harmless way to spend an hour and a half with a few mates and a lot of pizza and beer.
I enjoyed it. After all, what’s better than seeing Kevin Nash eaten by zombies?
Now, this fortnight’s Australiana is self-serving. It’s my book! If you go to the Amazon kindle page for the book, you can even read the first chapter for free, to see what it’s all about.
So, here’s the cover again!