The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 07.23.12
Live from St. Louis, MO
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross (for one match)
Nice montage to start, featuring RAW wackiness and notable retirements. I think maybe if they paid respect to their past like that more often, rather than mocking themselves or intentionally forgetting their own history, these kind of self-congratulatory shows would seem less obnoxious.
Vince McMahon welcomes us to the show, and brings out D-Generation X, complete with Shawn, HHH, Billy Gunn, Road Dogg and X-Pac. Which would actually make the first time ever that all five of them have appeared as D-X. Billy Gunn is very smart to show up in shape since I’m assuming he’s going to be looking for a job. Road Dogg does his spiel, HHH does his, Billy Gunn and Shawn argue over who gets to do the “two words” bit, everyone has a grand old time. Especially X-Pac, who looks like he drank a fifth of SOMETHING before the show. Eh, it’s a celebration, who can blame him? Damien Sandow interrupts, railing against sophomoric and degenerate behavior. D-X talks it over (“You need to wait over there.” “That’s very rude!”) and then Sandow gets destroyed. This was all good fun, although my wife (who didn’t know the D-X guys) pointed out that really it’s kind of an unfair set of choices if your only options are being down with them or sucking it. What if neither one appeals to you?
Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara & Sheamus v. Alberto Del Rio, Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler
I suspect the intros will run longer than the match. JIP after a break with Ziggler working on Sin Cara, and Jericho going to a chinlock. Cara gets a rollup for two, but Jericho dropkicks him down again and gets the ARROGANT COVER~! for two. ADR works on the back and goes to a rear chinlock, but it’s hot tag Sheamus and he destroys Jericho with the usual. Rey disposes of ADR and Sheamus tries to finish Jericho with White Noise, but Jericho reverses out. Sheamus blocks the codebreaker, but Ziggler nails Jericho and Sheamus finishes with the kick at 4:12. This was fine. **
Charlie Sheen joins us live via a webcam from 1997, apparently.
Meanwhile, AJ defends her mental instability by pointing out the wackiness happening in the hallway, including the grown-up hand delivered by Mae Young. That’s a pretty obscure reference these days, actually.
Jack Swagger v. Brodus Clay
I’m going to refrain from comment on the announcers getting Sonic drinks delivered to them, because we don’t have Sonic in Canada anyway. Poor Swagger gets the Curt Hawkins non-entrance. Even Dude Love gets an entrance! Swagger attacks, and he’s done at 0:11. Remember when he was World champion?
Meanwhile, Trish Stratus teaches HHH some yoga tips, and it’s gets awkward.
Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan confers backstage with guys in white coats. This is never mentioned again.
Wedding time! And who else to conduct the ceremony but REVEREND SLICK! His delivery is of course brilliant here, especially when no one objects and he’s amazed because that’s never happened at a wrestling wedding before. But indeed, Vince McMahon interrupts, because he already offered AJ his own proposal…a business proposal to be the new GM of RAW. I’m pretty sure that won’t help me be less sick of AJ. And after the break, Bryan destroys the set and CM Punk comes out to rub it in. Daniel feels that he’s the greatest WWE superstar of all-time, and that brings out the Rock. Bryan cuts off Rock’s spiel, and you just don’t do that. Rock announces that he’s getting a title shot at Royal Rumble, and Punk is just fine with that. NO! I want my dream of Punk Rock ripping up the tag team ranks to live! Bryan feels he’ll be the champion, but Rock calls him the offspring of a homeless lumberjack and an Oompaloompa and finishes with a Rock Bottom. How can you not love that?
Bret Hart joins us as guest ring announcer for some reason. Why not?
Intercontinental title: Christian v. The Miz
Bret’s total no-selling of the Miz’s intro makes the whole thing worthwhile by itself. Christian quickly gets a missile dropkick and tosses Miz, and we take a break. Back with Christian making the comeback and getting a cross-body for two. Sunset flip gets two. Miz boots him down for two. Christian gets a tornado DDT for two. Miz blocks the spear with a DDT for two. Blind charge misses and Christian tries the Killswitch, but the knee gives out and Miz wins the title with the SCF at 5:25. Zero chemistry from these two, but Christian was doing nothing with the belt anyway. *1/2 Miz is now very close to winning a double grand slam, which is kind of scary.
COOHHH returns, but this time he’s ANGRY HHH instead of WACKY HHH. Paul Heyman comes out to give Brock’s answer: No. And then he crosses the line by talking about HHH’s family, which brings out Stephanie for her cameo, looking hotter as she ages. She points out that Heyman is just hiding his failures (WCW, ECW) and his children are ashamed to be fathered by a parasite. This finally makes him snap and accept the challenge for Summerslam, but then he talks shit about the kids again and Steph attacks him. This finally brings out Brock for the attack on HHH, but of course HHH stands tall and clotheslines him out of the ring. And then Sheamus runs in and hits the Brogue Kick! No, sorry, I made that one up.
Heath Slater v. Lita
Man, botox is a hell of a drug. I was betting on Steve Austin, but obviously that didn’t happen due to knee surgery. CM Punk is a lucky, lucky, guy. And just for fun, Lita has hired the APA for protection. Slater makes a run for it, but all his former “victims” chase him back in for a JBL lariat and Litasault to finish. Ron Simmons of course has only one comment on the situation.
SEAN MOONEY makes an unlikely cameo to interview Daniel Bryan. Mooney was a terrible play by play guy but he’s 1000 times better than the goofs they have doing backstage interviews now, they should keep him around again. Bryan threatens Charlie Sheen for some reason.
Meanwhile, Zack Ryder reveals that GTV was all the plan of GENE OKERLUND. I KNEW IT! Sadly, before John Cena can debate this point any further, the Rock arrives and chases Zack off.
Kane v. Six Geeks
The Jinder Mahal-led job squad threatens to attack Kane, but Undertaker makes his return. The idiots helpfully wait for him to do his full entrance, and then the members of the undead pulverize them. Remember last year when Kane was bald and Undertaker had the long greasy hair? The crowd chants “this is awesome”. Have some standards, St. Louis!
WWE title: CM Punk v. John Cena
They battle to a STALEMATE to start and it goes nowhere for the first few minutes until Cena pounds away in the corner and grabs an ANGRY HEADLOCK. They slug it out and Punk gets the running knee, but Cena turns it into the backdrop suplex. Five-knuckle shuffle is blocked by a Punk kick, but the ref is bumped and Cena gets the FU to no avail. This brings out Big Show for a spear on Cena and KO punch, but Punk continues to be a pussy babyface and won’t just pin him. Punk revives the ref, but he’s CONFLICTED by shades of grey. Not fifty of them, luckily, because otherwise this would be TV-MA. Finally Punk gets two and then tries for the GTS, but Cena reverses him into the STF, and Big Show runs in for the DQ at 11:01. Really? That’s the finish they came up with for their big 1000th show? The usual ref bump and DQ screwjob? Show puts the beatdown on Cena, but Rock makes the save…and PUNK TURNS ON HIM. About damn time. I think it’s great that they had to use Rock for Punk’s heel turn, because NO ONE WOULD BOO HIM if he turned on Cena.
This was better than the wretched RAW X in 2002, so by that standard I was happy. There was some nostalgia, people had fun, I was entertained mostly. Plus now I can watch Punk again without feeling disgusted by what a nutless wuss he’s turned into. Three hours is just WAY too long for these shows, though. I’m glad all their build paid off with a monster rating, and I just hope that RAW 1001 and beyond don’t crash and burn again. Oh, and of course they’ll have to start hyping RAW 20 pretty soon, because that’s only 6 months away now too.