So, SummerFest is like, happening this weekend and stuff. What will the Blue Crew do to make you pay for it?
Alberto del Rio heads to the ring, demanding that his title match against Sheamus is reinstated. Booker T tells del Rio that he doesn’t deserve the match and before Alberto can respond, Chris Jericho (?!) interrupts him and Booker makes tonight’s main event Jericho vs del Rio.
Kelly: Well, hello boys and girls! Your favorite power couple is back with the final Smackdown before this year’s SummerSlam!
Mike: Yup, and here’s Alberto del Rio, bitching about having his title match called off.
Kelly: Didn’t he kind of piss away his opportunity? Or was I too drunk when that all happened…
Mike: He lost every opportunity. The ‘E just didn’t want to change up Sheamus’s contenders.
Mike: Here comes Chris Jericho!!!
Kelly: My hero!
Mike: He’s actually getting into a war of words with del Rio…in Spanish! Ha!
Kelly: I adore this.
Mike: Ooh…tonight’s main event should be good. Jericho vs del Rio? Sign me up.
Kelly: Yeah, that’s how you do a main event. Okay, so tonight’s looking pretty good!
Mike: Looks can be deceiving….
Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes and The Miz
Kelly: Yay! Mysterio and Cara, together?? I love it. And I’m sure I’m the only one.
Mike: Probably not. There are children wearing masks in the crowd.
Kelly: Okay, the only one with a double-digit age.
Mike: I’m not digging Sin Cara’s new entrance. That little flip is pathetic.
Kelly: I was actually just thinking that. It’s a little too lame to have pyro.
Mike: He should have Gillberg’s sparklers.
Mike: That was an…interesting drawing of Sin Cara unmasked.
Kelly: Bet the kiddies ate it up. Both masked men start off hot once the bell rings.
Mike: Huge suicide dives from both luchadores!
Kelly: Annnd…the momentum shifts. Miz and Rhodes alternate their attempts to flatten Cara.
Mike: Again with this mask crap. Can’t we have some originality?
Kelly: Hell no. It’s the same as Jericho/Mysterio in ’09, and even Rhodes/Mysterio last year.
Mike: Sin Cara tries to skin the cat but Rhodes grabs his mask! Rey counters with a 619!
Kelly: And it’s ov-ahhh. Cara and Mysterio pick up the victory. Boom. You go, girls.
Mike: Rey stares at the Intercontinental Championship, no doubt thinking, “How have I fallen so far? Oh that’s right; drugs.”
Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins head to the ring and….strip….and dance…….and beat two jobbers. That was….something.
Mike: Here come Reks and Hawkins. And they’re…….pop ‘n locking?
Kelly: What is this, I don’t even…
Mike: I haven’t been this confused since I heard Chyna was posing for Playboy. Talk about mixed signals…
Kelly: I’ve seen better hip hop at my white-ass high school. And they’re facing two no-names, to boot. I love Hawkins, but it’s hard to find a singular fuck to give about this whole ordeal.
Mike: The fans are tearing into them. Did Michael Cole really just say “interesting gyrations”?
Kelly: I’m moving on from this monstrosity.
Kaitlyn vs Eve
Mike: IS THAT WILLIAM REGAL ON MY SCREEN?!
Kelly: It sure is, sugar plum! This episode keeps climbing…until they reveal he’s a janitor. Whoopsie.
Mike: I love Regal. Man crush, mind you.
Kelly: My boo, Kaitlyn…so delightful.
Mike: What is with that wardrobe, though?
Kelly: Don’t care. Though I hate this whole stupid audition/interview/nonsense.
Mike: Doesn’t matter. Eve wins.
Mike: I don’t understand why it would be a problem with a heel as an assistant. The boss is a face, right? Which means she has absolutely NO power.
Kelly: It’s just dumb, that’s all. One more Diva shelved. Not that I particularly like Eve in the ring, but still.
Mike: She’s actually one of the better wrestlers.
Kelly: I disagree.
Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan
Mike: Here comes mah boy D-Bry!
Kelly: Oh yeah, it’s the hour mark. And he’s facing Orton, right?
Mike: Yup yup.
Kelly: Eh, I have high hopes for this one.
Mike: I call bullshit ending.
Kelly: Yeah, I can’t really see it ending any other way.
Mike: Aaaaaand Bryan is interacting with the fans again. Awesome spot.
Kelly: MARK MOMENT: How cool would that be. Honestly.
Mike: On a scale of 1 to 10, it would be an 11.
Kelly: Bryan works on Orton’s leg…and ew, it’s twisted in an uncomfortable-looking way.
Mike: Like your cha-cha?
Kelly: That might be the dumbest word I’ve ever heard. You sound like an erotic novel written by Ned Flanders.
Mike: Fifty Shades of Flanders.
Kelly: BEST SELLER ALERT.
Mike: Every word I write is best-seller worthy.
Kelly: …sure. Orton’s leg is still the target of Bryan’s wrath.
Mike: Stiff clotheslines from Orton.
Kelly: DDT position…nope. Bryan slips away, both men are outside of the ring…and Bryan crashes into the barricade thanks to Randy.
Mike: I hate when Orton sets up that DDT. It works better when it’s situational.
Kelly: Series of kicks to Orton, but Orton seems to have dug up some energy.
Mike: Careful, Randy. One more strike….
Kelly: Ha! Bryan is trying to lock in the No-Lock.
Mike: And before Orton can tap, BAH GAWD IT’S KANE………well, his music and pyro.
Kelly: The music dies, Bryan jumps back into the ring, and eats an RKO.
Mike: Well, aside from the BS finish, that was a nice match.
Kelly: Absolutely. I need another beer.
Antonio Cesaro vs Zack Ryder
Kelly: Oh boy. Santino as a guest announcer. That means we get Cesaro in the ring, right?
Mike: One of those things is not good.
Kelly: Antonio reminds me of someone. I don’t know who…
Mike: Claudio Castagnoli.
Kelly: Yeah, that’s the one! The guy from the sweet tag team in Japan…wait…
Mike: You’ve lost me totally.
Kelly: That’s one of the few things I’m good at. Looks like he’ll face Zack Ryder, too.
Mike: Santino is talking about taking extra sodium so he can explode or something.
Mike: And it’s all over. Santino gets shoved around afterward.
Alberto del Rio vs Chris Jericho
Mike: A black scarf on del Rio?
Kelly: Same as last week. Duh.
Mike: Ziggler assaults Jericho in the back!
Kelly: Gettin’ spicy up in here!
Mike: No Jericho match?! NO JERICHO MATCH?!
Kelly: What the dick. You better be wrong. He’ll overcome!
Mike: He’s here!
Kelly: Called it.
Mike: That clinches it for me. Jericho is winning this Sunday.
Kelly: Hey guess what.
Mike: Chicken butt.
Kelly: Nope, better.
Mike: Rosa Mendes’s butt?
Kelly: Even better.
Mike: Jessica Alba’s butt?
Kelly: NO, DAMN IT.
Mike: Then just fucking tell me.
Kelly: I just Touted.
Mike: Oh sweet monkey Jesus.
Kelly: About this column. WHILE WE WERE WRITING IT.
Mike: No way. I gotta watch that. I trust you name-dropped moi?
Kelly: Um…I need a do-over!
Kelly: I heart Y2J. Did you see his belly? Poor baby.
Mike: You’re right. Why is he wrestling pregnant? That poor baby.
Kelly: Ha, after I said it, I wondered if it looked like I was saying that he was knocked up. Guess the cat’s out of the bag.
Mike: Maybe if he kept the “cat” in the “bag” he wouldn’t have gotten knocked up.
Kelly: I have very powerful sperm. Anyway, Dolph interfered once more and Alberto capitalized for the victory.
Mike: I’ll just ignore the sperm remark for now. Here comes Sheamus!
Kelly: To save the day!
Mike: And here comes Booker T to reinstate the match, no doubt.
Kelly: Word for word.
Kelly: Sheamus persuades Booker to reinstate the match. Which of course, he does.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: I’m pretty excited for SummerSlam after this episode.
Mike: I’m still not impressed with the card.
Kelly: Which matches are you concerned about?
Mike: I only want to see the Jericho/Ziggler bout.
Kelly: That will be awesome, no doubt about it. I can’t wait to hear what everyone at Pulse thinks about this card, when the Rasslin’ Roundtable is up.
Mike: Based on how few of us contribute to the Roundtable these days, you won’t be hearing many opinions.
Kelly: Very true. Did anyone even notice there were no TNA Roundtables the last two PPVs? It’s because…NO ONE SENT IN PICKS!
Mike: Not surprised. In any case, let’s stop venting and end this shindig.
Kelly: Sounds like a plan.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Booker T, chris jericho, Chyna, Cody Rhodes, curt hawkins, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Eve, gillberg, Intercontinental Championship, Kaitlyn, kane, Kelly Floyd, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Ned Flanders, Playboy, randy orton, rey mysterio, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, Summerslam, The Miz, Tout, Tyler Reks, William Regal, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, zack ryder