Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your web browsers! You have not stumbled upon a mis-titled edition of our weekend recap of Smackdown!
Kelly: I’m sure you can expect the same nonsense, but this time we’re free of recapping! We get to just talk shit…er…discuss…SummerSlam!
Mike: Which is pretty much what we do every weekend, so…yeah.
Mike: Some would say I am lazy for traveling down the same road as my contemporaries this week by going on and on about Sunday’s PPV.
Kelly: And they’d be right.
Mike: And they would most certainly be right.
Kelly: Shall we begin?
Mike: We shall! Cue drum roll!
Mike: Okay then.
United States Championship: Santino Marella vs Antonio Cesaro
Mike: First match of the evening: the United States Championship match.
Kelly: Which no one saw/cared about.
Mike: Ironic, given that the only noteworthy event of the night happened for free on Youtube.
Kelly: Right? Explain that logic.
Mike: Three letters: WWE.
Kelly: Ugh. But l guess it has potential to be good. Maybe they’ll actually do something with that belt.
Mike: Also ironic is that the match was the one thing I missed that night.
Kelly: I did, too. Something about pre-gaming was much more enticing.
Mike: Well, in any case congrats to Claudio Cesaro. And yes, I know what I did with his name.
Kelly: We’ll see.
Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho
Mike: After that we got our first match of the PPV proper, Jericho and Ziggler.
Kelly: I love love loved that one.
Mike: That was the only bout I expected to be great, and it didn’t disappoint.
Kelly: I might be totally biased, considering I love Y2J as much as I do. But I felt like it was a super strong opener.
Mike: As most PPVs should have. I loved the old school Lion Tamer that ended the match. There was no legit way out of that move.
Kelly: I’ve noticed he’s using that almost exclusively now.
Mike: Well, not anymore. He’s “retired.”
Kelly: Wait…do I drink too much? I’M SICK OF MISSING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I’M A DRUNK.
Mike: You knew his contracted dates were up, kid. Besides, he lost to Dolph on Raw and had his contract terminated.
Kelly: Damn Raw. Comin’ on all late and junk now.
Mike: It’s called a DVR. And Youtube. And PULSE WRESTLING RECAPS.
Kelly: I TRY.
Mike: Do or do not; there is no try.
Kelly: Yes, Master Yoda.
Daniel Bryan vs Kane
Mike: Daniel Bryan vs Kane! Discuss!
Kelly: I actually liked this one, too. Call me crazy!
Mike: I’m not feeding into that joke.
Kelly: That was no joke.
Mike: Your tastes in men are. BA ZING!
Kelly: …says the man who I was last romantically linked to. Hubba hubba.
Mike: This was a nothing match. It was mostly Kane lumbering around, abusing DB, until he got the upset victory. And no Sheen.
Kelly: I don’t know, I was interested. Maybe I just like the two. Maybe it was the non-wrestling fan I brought with me who was buzzing a little bit while watching. Who knows.
Mike: Ah, you had a hostage. Or as you call it, a “date.”
Kelly: Hey, my pickup techniques are my business.
Intercontinental Championship: The Miz vs Rey Mysterio
Mike: The Intercontinental title defense.
Mike: I thought it was decent…for a Raw match.
Kelly: Let’s face it. Miz wrestled because he’s the champ. Rey Mysterio wrestled because he’s Rey Mysterio. Done.
Mike: Actually, he was dressed as Batmanuel at the PPV.
Kelly: Actually, that was the best part! I love what a Batman mark he seems to be. Though, the Joker outfit from ‘Mania 25 was the best.
Mike: Hmmm….actually, now that I think about it, he might be a bigger South Park fan. Rey Mysterio + superhero costume + question mark on outfit = MYSTERION! I knew it!
Kelly: OH MY GOD. I NEVER KNEW!!
Mike: And all this time I thought Kenny was Mysterion.
Kelly: This is why Pulse is the best. We bring you the inside scoop on EVERYTHING.
Mike: Wait…it could never have been Kenny. He’s too busy badmouthing John Cena on Twitter.
Kelly: …and you took it a step too far.
World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio
Mike: Next we have Sheamus defending against your Caramel Thunder.
Kelly: My man!
Mike: He got shafted, eh?
Kelly: Refresh my memory. My mind has just been blown learning that an FSW wrestler was in a backstage segment that night, and I totally missed it.
Mike: Sheamus pulled del Rio’s foot off the rope as Mike Chioda counted the pin.
Kelly: Oh RIGHT! What the hell was that?
Mike: THAT was an excuse to keep del Rio in the title picture so we can add Randy Orton to it.
Kelly: I figured about continuing the feud, but do you really think they’ll throw Orton in?
Mike: Most assuredly. And then he’ll go and film “12 Rounds II: The Search for More Money”.
Mike: If they’re so pressed for good heels in the Smackdown title scene, why not go with Rhodes or the returning Barrett?
Kelly: There’s that darn logic again.
WWE Tag Team Championship: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs The Primetime Players
Mike: The Primetime Players seemed a bit…neutered on Sunday.
Kelly: I completely zoned out on that match. I mean, who, the hell, CARES.
Mike: Not the higher-ups, that’s for damn sure. With Kofi and R-Truth’s new matching attire, it was a given that they’d retain.
Kelly: This is almost more boring to talk about than it was to watch.
Mike: I’d like to pop you in the mouth right now.
Kelly: I bet you would. Perv.
WWE Championship Triple Threat: CM Punk vs John Cena vs Big Show
Mike: The WWE Championship match.
Kelly: I don’t really know what to say about that one. It was…okay?…for what it was.
Mike: I honestly did not even give a quarter of a shit. We all knew what was going to happen…except for that false finish.
Kelly: Yeah that ended up being completely pointless. Not to mention the continuity flaws (which I know, is a lot to ask for). AJ’s entrance was longer than the restarted match.
Mike: And Big Show should have been eliminated! He tapped to both men! I mean, I get that they wanted Punk to steal the win but there was no need for the submission double tap out. If that’s even a thing.
Kelly: I remember one PPV…Breaking Point? Survivor Series? Something? Where there were two men with a submission placed on a third, who tapped, and the ref’s hands were tied. DUMB.
Mike: I think it may have involved Jack Swagger or someone to that effect.
Kelly: Don’t know. Don’t care. I just know it happened. Or, didn’t happen, really.
Mike: In any case, now we have a full Punk heel turn. Yes, CB; that’s a FULL HEEL TURN. There’s no tweener shit about it. He attacked the face commentator from behind. Michael Cole is on Punk’s side. He’s officially a heel.
Kelly: That’s a more fitting role for him, but I still don’t know how I feel about it
Mike: I prefer smarmy heel Punk, not whiny “I demand respect” Punk. But we’ll see where this goes.
Brock Lesnar vs Triple H
Mike: The “Butt Kicker” vs “The Game.”
Kelly: Don’t even get me started. I’m sick of these nostalgic stars coming in and cleaning house.
Mike: The fight against Cena was more vicious and brutal than what we got on Sunday.
Kelly: And the pathetic “I’m sorry” Trips was absurd.
Mike: Not one person gave two shits about it.
Kelly: Well what is WWE’s market right now? Kids. Do these youngsters have any idea who the hell Lesnar is? They barely know Triple H anymore!
Mike: If you were to ask me my Top Twenty Superstars of the Attitude Era, he’d barely break the list. I have never been a fan of his work.
Kelly: Which one?
Mike: Triple H, of course. Brock was post-Attitude.
Kelly: Oh. That’s what I get for skimming.
Mike: How about that Kevin Rudolf “concert”?
Kelly: You mean the thing they put in lieu of a a Divas match simply to feature the Divas sluttin’ it up?
Mike: Yeah, THAT. And how about Fred “I want to be relevant again” Durst flipping off the camera? The WWE’s response: cut out the SOUND. Brilliant work, Mr. Dunn.
Kelly: Ha! That was silly. But more so because I recognized Durst, for whatever reason.
Mike: He did it all for the nookie, you know.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: I’m sure I could dig some up, but the monsoon is getting so bad here, I fear I may lose power in the process.
Mike: CB summed it up best when he said this in his recap: “Knowing everything that transpired, would you want to watch this again? And if you would, how much of it would you skip?” Just a very “blah” show for me.
Kelly: That man has a way with words that I’ll never understand.
Mike: Catch us this weekend in our usual stint as we cover the post-Summerslam Smackdown.
Kelly: Sure to be better than the PPV itself…right? Right?
Mike: I’m praying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that it will be.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, Batmanuel, big show, Brock Lesnar, chris jericho, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Fred Durst, Intercontinental Championship, jack swagger, john cena, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kevin Rudolf, Kofi Kingston, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, Primetime Players, R-Truth, randy orton, rey mysterio, Santino Marella, sheamus, Smackdown, Summerslam, the big show, The Miz, triple h, United States Championship, Wade Barrett, World Heavyweight Championship, WWE, wwe championship, WWE Tag Team Championship