We’re back, bitches. Roll that beautiful bean footage…
Edge is here as he calls out the WWE Tag Team Champions for the absurdity of their angle. Daniel Bryan comes out and says that he has improved since meeting with Dr. Shelby and nothing can get to him. Of course, this means Edge accepts the challenge and gets Bryan to scream “No!” until Kane interrupts. He tells Edge that he forgives him for everything they’ve been through…and they hug. Daniel Bryan is about to get in on it until Damien Sandow calls the whole situation a travesty. Edge goads him into challenging either Kane or Bryan tonight.
Kelly: Well, hello ladies and gentlemen! We’re back, and stuff.
Mike: Two weeks in a row? That’s gotta be some kind of record.
Kelly: It sure is. And we get an episode with Edge?
Mike: Yup. Sans pyro, which makes his entrance a bit awkward.
Kelly: I bet you’re the only one who noticed. Everyone else is just happy to see him.
Mike: I wonder if CM Punk is okay with getting Copeland’s sloppy seconds.
Kelly: His short hair is darling.
Mike: Good job dodging my comment.
Kelly: One of my many gifts.
Mike: Edge just plugged his appearance on Syfy’s Haven. Unfortunately for the live crowd on Tuesday, he said the show was on right after Smackdown. I wonder how many people went home and were disappointed.
Kelly: Ha. He’s discussing the strange taped-together tag team of Kane and Daniel Bryan.
Mike: I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Kelly: I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Mike: LOUD NOISES.
Mike: Bryan is trying to get under Edge’s skin by bringing up Vickie Guerrero.
Kelly: I want to see him snap!
Mike: Into a Slim Jim?
Kelly: Mmm. Slim Jim.
Mike: Oh Cthulhu….
Kelly: Edge gets in on the “Yes” chant and drives Bryan bonkers. So here comes Kane.
Mike: This “I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!” shtick is old already.
Kelly: I still chuckle. Because it’s absurd.
Mike: Ah, WWE History 101 as Edge reminds Kane of all the shit they put each other through.
Kelly: And the jacket comes off!
Mike: And the hug is on!
Kelly: Daniel Bryan is having a cow. Again.
Mike: And the group hug is interrupted by our intellectual savior!
Kelly: Damn. Some very loud boo’s.
Mike: They’re shouting “Boo-urns.”
Kelly: There’s an episode of Friends where Joey wants to sound more smart for a recommendation letter, so he uses the thesaurus on every word. That’s what Sandow reminds me of.
Mike: My brain hurts from this back and forth “Yes” and “No” stuff.
Kane vs Damien Sandow
Kelly: Sandow is outside of the ring, where Bryan yells about being the champ(s).
Mike: I can haz cheezburger?
Mike: Kane to the top rope for his flying clothesline!
Kelly: Bryan and Kane get stuck yelling again, so Sandow takes advantage.
Mike: Did…did Sandow just beat Kane?!
Kelly: He did.
Kelly: I don’t care what the intentions are…I like the breast cancer support. Boobies ain’t gonna save themselves.
Mike: My aunt’s a survivor, so I can get on board with that.
Kane angrily searches backstage for Daniel Bryan and finds Dr. Shelby. Bryan pops up from inside a case and Shelby convinces him to give back Kane’s title belt so that the Big Red Machine doesn’t “rip Bryan’s beard off his face.”
Kelly: What the hell is Saturday Morning Slam?
Mike: It’s WWE Superstars for the kiddies.
Kelly: Jeez. Well anyway, Kane is backstage looking for Bryan. And he sure is cross.
Mike: And Bryan pops out of a case. Is this an episode of “You Can’t Do That On Television”?
Kelly: Kane gets his belt back, and the men are talking it out with the doctor.
Mike: That was actually pretty entertaining.
Kelly: I can’t tell if it’s entertaining, or just silly.
Alberto del Rio is in Booker T’s office complaining about the reinstatement of the Brogue Kick. He tells del Rio he has to earn another title opportunity in tonight’s tag match with Dolph Ziggler against Sheamus and Randy Orton.
Kelly: Alberto is chit chatting with Booker, and asking for another match. Oh boy.
Mike: Thankfully, Booker says he has to look good in tonight’s tag match.
Kelly: And we end it on Eve entering the ring. Ugh.
Layla vs Natalya
Kelly: Layla and her godawful recycled music are in the ring.
Mike: Layla’s theme song does NOT fit her character.
Kelly: Hey, we get to see Nattie!
Mike: And Eve just stumbled on her lines. Good stuff.
Kelly: Ha, my sister and I were just
Mike: Hi, sis!
Kelly: She says “HHHIII.”
Mike: She can throw in her two cents on the column. Hell, it can be a three-way!
Kelly: Um. No, Michael. No.
Mike: Was it something I said?
Mike: Wait…Sara Underwood on a Carl’s Jr. commercial. Yum, indeed.
Kelly: I skipped dinner, so all I can focus on is that delectable-looking burger.
Mike: Oh, was she eating food? I didn’t notice.
Alberto del Rio and Dolph Ziggler vs Randy Orton and Sheamus
Kelly: Yay, Caramel Thunder!
Mike: I just realized that we forgot to mention that Layla won her match.
Kelly: Oh yeah. Well, Divas don’t matter anyway, so.
Mike: I wonder if Randy will flip off the crowd again tonight.
Kelly: One can only hope.
Mike: And of course the full entrances can only mean one thing…
Kelly: Commercials! Yayyyyy…
Mike: Speaking of commercials, have you seen The Cabin in the Woods? Great movie.
Kelly: I have not. I tend to not see movies in theaters because the bank-account-rape hurts my soul.
Mike: It’s On Demand and on DVD now.
Kelly: Was it really that good? Sounds silly.
Mike: It makes fun of all the horror movie stereotypes. Definitely worth a watch.
Kelly: I will check it out. Maybe. So we have some Orton-on-Alberto action.
Mike: You must have climaxed 8 times already.
Kelly: Shut the fuck up. I’m not drunk enough for this.
Mike: So anyway there’s a match going on. Del Rio is working over Sheamus and makes a quick tag to Dolph.
Kelly: Dolph tags in Alberto to continue Sheamus’s pain. Orton looks perplexed.
Mike: He shows emotion? I thought Ortron (not a typo) wasn’t programmed with those.
Kelly: Bravo, Viper. He starts his routine. Pounds the mat. Scoop slam. Blah.
Mike: Blah bloo blah draping DDT.
Kelly: Still some back and forth. Dolph in control now.
Mike: Orton can’t reach the corner and del Rio continues the attack.
Kelly: Orton gets the tag, as does Alberto, Sheamus and Dolph are going at it. Sleeper applied, but Sheamus isn’t having any of it.
Mike: Cross arm breaker shrugged off into an RKO!
Kelly: Brogue Kick to Ziggles to win it.
Mike: Now Randall Keith can slither off to Hollywood.
Mike: By the way, guess who Sheamus will be facing in his next feud.
Mike: I wish. It’s actually Big Show.
Kelly: OH GOD.
Mike: I know. That’s what we have to look forward to every weekend.
Kelly: I’d like to publicly announce my resignation.
Mike: You can’t quit. I still have those incriminating photos.
Kelly: I don’t care if the world knows I dance to Justin Bieber when no one is home!!!
Cody Rhodes vs Daniel Bryan
Kelly: In other news. A Bound for Glory commercial just came on for me.
Mike: Not here in NYC.
Kelly: That’s because BFG will be here. Duh.
Mike: I’ve seen Impact commercials during Raw.
Kelly: FINE. Okay, we have Bryan and Rhodes now.
Mike: This should be good.
Kelly: Massive amounts of fire mid-match. Here we go.
Mike: Never mind then.
Kelly: That was shorter than a Divas match.
Mike: I’m calling it now: tag match to close the show.
Kelly: Yeah, they’ve kind of used all the usual suspects already.
Mike: A Tout commercial. I was wondering if the company already regretted their investment.
Kelly: I love Tout. Did you know that?
Mike: Yes. Have I been name-dropped lately in your Touts?
Mike: That’s why I don’t follow you.
Mike: You cry like Lucille Ball.
Daniel Bryan confronts Kane backstage. As they bicker, Sandow and Rhodes laugh at them. The Tag Team Champions challenge the two heels to a match tonight.
Mike: More backstage shenanigans with Kane and Daniel Bryan.
Kelly: Deja vu.
Mike: Bryan says Kane belongs in a damp, dusty basement (paradox?).
Kelly: And here’s Rhodes and Sandow. You get your tag team main event.
Mike: I love these two as tag champs.
Raw Rebound: CM Punk’s controversial loss with his foot on the ropes.
Kelly: How fucking dumb was that Night of Champions finish for Cena and Punk?
Mike: Did you read my column this week?
Mike: Liar. Anywho, after consideration, I thought it was a great way to end the match.
Kelly: I don’t mind the finish on paper…it was just done kind of silly.
Mike: It was necessary for the storyline.
Brodus Clay vs Heath Slater
Mike: Here comes Brodus Clay, Naomi, and the Drunkadactyl Cameron.
Kelly: Holy shit. You know the other’s name. Weird.
Mike: I know more than you’ve ever forgotten.
Kelly: I’ve forgotten a lot, so I’m impressed.
Mike: And I’ll forget less than you’ll ever know I’ve forgotten to know.
Kelly: What were we talking about?
Mike: I forgot.
Kelly: So we get Brodus Clay and Heath Slater…time for a power nap.
Mike: Slater just screamed like a girl with that body slam.
Kelly: Heath Slater gets a flying lesson and…Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre join the party.
Mike: Talk about completely random.
Kelly: Who the hell is screaming?
Mike: Some girl in the crowd.
Kelly: …I guess we’re going literal with that one.
Mike: How else would one take that?
Kelly: Bitch with me. “Yeah, that’s so annoying, right?” “What a crazy bitch!” “[generic Mike Gojira analogy].”
Mike: Oh, I get it. Here, let me try. “I’m Kelly Floyd. I like Alberto del Rio and Sin Cara. Mike Gojira is the greatest man I’ve ever worked with.”
Kelly: Maturity is neat.
Mike: Love it.
Antonio Cesaro vs Santino Marella
Kelly: Santino enters the ring, followed by Cesaro. New music?
Mike: He’s had that music for a few weeks now.
Kelly: I’m tired.
Mike: Aksana tries to grab the Cobra but gets inadvertently knocked into the ring, costing Cesaro the match.
Kelly: Cesaro is not happy. And dumps her in five different languages.
Mike: And he breaks up with her for one little screw-up?
Kelly: With the volume of her voice as he walked away, I don’t blame him.
Mike: This seems way too abrupt. I smell new manager.
Kane and Daniel Bryan vs Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow
Kelly: Why are Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd together, and why do they look like they should be walking kids across the street to get to school?
Mike: Is this some sort of tag team lumberjack match? I see the Usos and the Primetime Players out there.
Kelly: Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. Was I tuning out, or did they mention that at some point?
Mike: They did not.
Kelly: Okay, good. Cody quickly tags a surprised Sandow when Kane stomps towards him.
Mike: Nice low dropkick to Sandow via Kane.
Kelly: Bryan wears Cody down, goes to tag Kane but instead yells, “NO!”
Mike: Beautiful Disaster gets two!
Kelly: Oh, it seems the tag teams are out there just to watch. Neat.
Mike: Yes, because that’s always worked out peacefully.
Kelly: DDT from Kane to Sandow…Chokeslam attempt once, twice…connects.
Mike: And we get a DQ thanks to Cody and a chair.
Kelly: Bryan protects Kane from Cody’s chair. Bryan goes to strike Cody with it…and hands it to Kane!
Mike: Kane nails Rhodes with the chair! Both tag champs have a chair and they are destroying Sandow!
Kelly: Kane drags the Usos in, and it’s absolute mayhem.
Mike: He’s just feeding everyone to Bryan for chair shots! This is fucking awesome!
Kelly: I love this! Both stand together with belts in hand! I LOVE THIS!
Mike: Dare I say this rivals JeriShow?
Kelly: It just might. I didn’t know it until now, but I’ve always dreamed of this! The silly backstage stuff is so worth it now.
Kelly: So, a tag team was the main focus of the show. When was the last time that that has happened?
Kelly: Been a minute.
Mike: Yes, well, they did have to rebuild the tag team division.
Kelly: All I wanted was to applaud the fact that this episode had some actual tag team substance and you’re ruining it. GOD.
Mike: About time you called me by my nickname.
Mike: Ugh’s my cousin.
Kelly: Do you people see what I deal with?
Mike: They can’t see us. We’re just words to them.
Mike: I don’t even think a decoder ring will help with that one.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aksana, alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, big show, Booker T, brodus clay, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Dr. Shelby, Drew McIntyre, edge, Eve, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, john cena, Justin Gabriel, kane, Kelly Floyd, Layla, Mike Gojira, monday night raw, Natalya, Primetime Players, randy orton, Santino Marella, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, the usos, Tout, Tyson Kidd, Vickie Guerrero, WWE, WWE Tag Team Championship