Time for another round of awesome sauce!
Big Show heads to the ring to remind everyone that he knocks people out, but not when it counts in title matches. Sheamus interrupts and offers to shake hands but Show refuses. Sheamus insults his last title reign (again), so Show decides to accept the handshake. Unfortunately for him, Sheamus has changed his mind and leaves Big Show hanging.
Kelly: Hello, again! You’re back! Wait. Why are you back? Do you people seriously read this?
Mike: No, they don’t.
Kelly: That’s what I thought. Though, this kinda-sorta-recap is more painless than the show itself.
Mike: We start with a montage of all of Big Show’s victims. Since that list includes EVERYONE who’s had a match with the guy in his career, we’re gonna be here for a while.
Kelly: Sheamus to the rescue!
Mike: Blair Douglas must be masturbating to this segment.
Kelly: I demand that he not masturbate to Sheamus until he learns how to spell his name.
Mike: Ooh, Big Show refused a handshake. WHAT A HEEL!
Kelly: Must we re-watch the Show/Henry monstrosity?
Mike: Sounds like a sex tape gone horribly wrong.
Kelly: Handshake is back on, it seems.
Mike: Nope. Sheamus decided he was gonna fix his hair instead.
Kelly: Love it.
WWE Tag Team Championship Number One Contender’s Tournament: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs The Primetime Players
Mike: Here comes your boy Kofi and his life partner, R-Truth!
Kelly: Aw, my mustache-doodlin’-on-Cena bestie. We’ve also chatted on Twitter. This means I should care about him more, yes?
Mike: Now all that’s left is for you to stalk him.
Kelly: Nah. I’m too lazy for that.
Mike: MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
Kelly: I watched two kids mimicking the Millions of Dollars thing fall off a short wall in my favorite bar at the last PPV. I cackled like a witch.
Mike: Now that’s comedy.
Kelly: And infinitely more interesting than this match.
Mike: I want to see Kofi and Truth win so they can face Rey and Sin Cara. That way, the PTP can cost Sin Cara and Rey the match next week and we can have TWO tag team feuds at the same time.
Kelly: …I think you’re asking for a lot from the ‘E.
Mike: If they’re serious about the tag team division, then there’s no reason why we can’t have Rhodes Scholars vs Hell No AND Los Mexicanos vs Primetime Players at the same time.
Kelly: Looks like it won’t happen. PTP wins.
Mike: It still can if they lose next week and cost Mysterio and Sin Cara in the finals.
Ryback vs Primo w/ Epico and Rosa Mendes
Kelly: Ah, Rosa. Goodbye, Mike.
Mike: Me gusta mucho.
Kelly: And here’s Ryback. I think I might love him.
Kelly: Platonically, of course.
Mike: Do you think she likes Italian men?
Kelly: I think she likes all the peen.
Mike: I have all the peen.
Kelly: The men try to bolt. Rosa screeches in Spanish. Ryback brings Primo back in. It’s over.
Mike: It’s not screeching. It’s heavenly.
Kelly: My ears are bleeding.
Mike: CM Punk and Paul Heyman are backstage looking for Dolph Ziggler……
Layla vs Alicia Fox
Mike: Here comes Tiff…er, Layla!
Kelly: I hate that song. HATE IT.
Mike: And here comes Alicia “I’m still here!” Fox.
Kelly: I can’t believe there’s an actual Divas match. I smell shenanigans.
Mike: That’s not what I smell.
Kelly: Well, shenanigans and the powder that strippers put on their lady parts.
Mike: You know me so well.
Kelly: Alicia Fox is attempting to prove this is not her first match until Layla regains control.
Mike: The longer this goes, the less likely Fox will prove that.
Kelly: SPOILER ALERT: She doesn’t.
Mike: Matt Striker in the ring to interview Layla.
Kelly: She implies that Eve was behind it all. Boring. But Layla looks pretty good tonight.
CM Punk and Paul Heyman confront Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero for bailing on Punk on Monday night. Booker T intercedes and puts them in a one-on-one match tonight.
Mike: Backstage we get Punk confronting Ziggler.
Kelly: Booker breaks up the cat fight.
Mike: Two “fan favorite” heels fighting in a match tonight? Winning!
Wade Barrett beats up a jobber.
Kelly: Hooray for Wade Barrett!
Mike: I’m souring on him right now.
Kelly: Who the dick is in the ring?
Mike: Some dick.
Kelly: Fair enough.
Mike: We really recapping this?
Mike: Love ya.
Kelly: I know it.
Mike: Hey, it’s over!
Sheamus vs The Miz
Kelly: Ooo. WWE13 promo.
Mike: Already pre-ordered that bitch.
Kelly: I don’t game enough to upgrade my PS2, so I’m screwed.
Mike: I’m calling a Big Show attack.
Kelly: Both men take their turns pounding on each other in the corner.
Mike: Sounds like gay porn. Or so I’ve heard.
Kelly: “Sheamus was bullied for having pale skin and red hair…” …in IRELAND?!
Mike: Yeah. They said he wasn’t pale enough.
Kelly: Rolling fireman’s carry slam…I love it. Mainly because it’s one of the three maneuvers I know the name of.
Mike: The other two being “clothesline” and “WHATAMANEUVER!”.
Kelly: Backbreaker. Know that one. And suplex. And bitch slap.
Mike: Brogue Kick is called for…but here comes Big Show’s theme song!
Kelly: Hold on. Falling over in shock. Be right back.
Mike: Big Show knocks out The Miz to give him the win.
David Otunga heads to the ring to praise Alberto del Rio for taking out Randy Orton. Orton’s music hits….but it’s del Rio impersonating him. He calls himself the new Apex Predator and Booker T rewards him and Otunga with a match against Team Hell No.
Kelly: Oh golly. We get some Otunga time today.
Kelly: He’s talking some shit about Orton. Cue Orton SMASH.
Mike: But it’s del Rio, walking to the ring like Randy!
Kelly: Well I’ll be damned. And he’s impersonating Orton. You go, Caramel Thunder!
Mike: I’ve been meaning to tell you that. I think you’re already damned.
Kelly: Oh, girl. I know.
Mike: Del Rio calls himself the new “Apex Predator,” but he pronounces it like “ah-pecks.”
Kelly: Ah, Otunga and del Rio will face Hell No! Best. Name. Ever.
Mike: This should be fun.
Kelly: Minus Otunga, I agree.
Team Hell No vs Alberto del Rio and David Otunga w/ Ricardo Rodriguez
Mike: Here we go!
Kelly: Daniel Bryan is already fired up. Even his beard is flailing.
Kelly: You love it.
Mike: Bryan tags in Kane and the Big Red Machine unloads on del Rio.
Kelly: Kane goes to the top rope and del Rio eats it.
Mike: In a humorous moment, Kane stops Bryan from tagging himself in!
Kelly: Near fall but Kane kicks out. Otunga gets a slice of offense before being Chokeslammed. Uh oh, DB steals the pinfall once again!
Mike: “I’m the Tag Team Champions!” That should be an option for a victory celebration in WWE ’13.
Eve tells Teddy Long that he DID tell her to suspend Beth Phoenix, but he just “doesn’t remember.” Booker T interrupts and tells them both to skedaddle.
Kelly: Eve is trying to convince Teddy that he actually did tell her to suspend Beth.
Mike: Booker T is actually taking the bait. What an ass.
Kelly: This is stu-pid. *clap clap clapclapclap*
Big Show vs Tensai
Kelly: So, Big Show and Giant Bernard.
Mike: These two would main event in the 1980s. How scary is that thought?
Kelly: Very. It might (I said MIGHT) be cool if they built up to a big feud, considering they are nearly the same size. Done right, it could be better than what we’re currently watching.
Mike: You must be joking.
Kelly: Nope. Dead serious. I’ve seen Bernard rock it. Perhaps it was the live experience, but he did well against Val Venis and Derick Neikirk in EXW. And as I was babbling, Sheamus ruins Show’s match just as Show did earlier.
Raw Rebound: AJ dumps her coach and referees the main event between Hell No and Punk/Ziggler.
Mike: Raw Rebound of the pointless Executive Coach angle on Raw.
Kelly: Remember when I hated AJ?
Mike: I only remember that fucking awesome referee outfit she wore on Monday.
Kelly: Good job staying focused. Perv.
Mike: Let’s just say I loved every near-fall she had to count the pin for.
CM Punk vs Dolph Ziggler
Kelly: Are you ready for this?
Mike: Yuppers. They talk shit to one another as Punk one-ups Ziggler. “I won Money in the Bank twice!”
Kelly: Dolph responds with “No one cares!” Not a bad start!
Mike: Punk has a leg scissors on Ziggler as Vickie screeches.
Kelly: Punk begins to climb the ropes, but Dolph is right there with him. Both make it to the middle rope before tumbling HARD to the ground.
Mike: Heyman asks Punk, “You’re not dead, are you?” Ha.
Kelly: Ref counts to nine, and both are back in the ring.
Mike: Ziggler pulls the tights but only gets two!
Kelly: Great chain of counters between the two. Boom. Big kick to Ziggler’s skull.
Mike: Punk takes too much time for the Macho Elbow and Ziggler tosses him.
Kelly: GTS connects hard and it’s already over.
Mike: I expected a more hectic ending.
Kelly: Me too. That was too abrupt.
Mike: Punk has a mic….
Kelly: He’s talking about the potential HIAC match with Cena…but nope, he says it will not happen.
Mike: Gasp. Shock. Awe.
Mike: Final thoughts?
Kelly: I’m not sure. Wasn’t great. Wasn’t terrible. Just kind of happened.
Mike: That’s because we have 4 weeks until the next PPV.
Kelly: Yeah, here’s hoping it will heat up.
Mike: Like our sex life?
Kelly: …faster than that. I hate waiting.
Mike: Damn. So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, alicia fox, Beth Phoenix, big show, Booker T, cm punk, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, derick neikirk, Dolph Ziggler, Epico, Eve, exw, Giant Bernard, Hell in a Cell, John Cena twitter, kane, Kelly Floyd, Kofi Kingston, Layla, Matt Striker, Mike Gojira, Paul Heyman, Primetime Players, Primo, R-Truth, randy orton, RAW rebound, rey mysterio, Ricardo Rodriguez, Rosa Mendes, ryback, sheamus, sin cara, Smackdown, Team Hell No, Teddy Long, Tensai, The Miz, Val Venis, Vickie Guerrero, Wade Barrett, WWE, WWE Tag Team Championship