This past Monday, Chairman Vince McMahon was scheduled to issue his “State of the WWE Address” on Raw but was interrupted by CM Punk and all notions of actually giving this address seems to have gone out the window. I feel like it is a shame that such an address is getting overlooked so I have taken the liberties of making my own address. I am the obvious choice for such a task seeing as how I plan on running for president in 2024 (along with my alter-ego/running mate, Dick Knightly, and my press secretary Vermin Supreme). Ahem…
My fellow Americans and wrestling viewers, I have come to you today on my own authorities and not at all because I was scrambling to think of something interesting to talk about this week (at least things not involving Punk backhanding a fan). I come here to share with you the current condition of the entertainment portion of this beloved company.
Our WWE champion, CM Punk, is saddling a fence where he’s trying desperately to be hatred by the fans but we just love that bearded man too much to let that happen.
The World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus, is just about as stale as I’ve seen a champion in recent memory but the great news that we could give you all is that he’s no longer involved in a feud with Del Rio. Yes, Big Show will prove to be much more interesting, right? Right?
The Intercontinental Champion, The Miz, has made a splash after filming some Cena leftovers by winning the white belt right out the gate. What has he done since then? Had his tv show set destroyed by a guy wanting some subway. Most recently, he stuck it to Larry King and his wife of the week before Kofi decided to B A Star all over Miz’s face. What a champ!
The United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro, has apparently dropped his arm candy Aksana and here’s to hoping he drops the five languages schtick and let everyone concentrate on his ring work because I’ve been impressed so far (except for his finisher, it looks like a prostate exam that’s gone very…very wrong).
Our current Divas Champion is Eve (it’s more of a reminder than a statement). It seems as if there is a shell of a storyline involving her going on but I can’t really tell because there doesn’t seem to be much of an effort going forth with this.
Daniel Bryan is 1/2 of the WWE Tag Team Champions and his biggest struggle lately has been to try to maintain a straight face in the ring with Kane. Bryan is really hitting a stride in his character which is great because I was afraid that WWE would continue to have no idea what to do with him once he was no longer the Heavyweight Champion.
Kane is the other half of the WWE Tag Team Champions and this is by far my favorite version of Kane because it’s so refreshing because we thought we saw every single kind of story this character could possibly be involved in. We finally get to see some sort of humor and it’s obvious that he is enjoying himself.
AJ Lee is the current Raw GM due to a grand experiment the company wanted to try. We’ve tried and there’s been high and lows but I think more can be done with AJ as a Diva at this point and I believe we are seeing the beginnings of her transition back into that role.
Booker T is the Smackdown DM and I don’t have much to say because I really don’t watch much of SD anymore due to being completely uninterested. I will say this, he’s not on commentary and he doesn’t dance like Teddy so I’m all game for that.
Aksana – I’m not sure why she was taken away from Cesaro’s side but it’s not like she did much there. I suppose with the Bella Twins gone, WWE will need professional arm candy for whomever and whatever and that seems to be her thing.
Alberto Del Rio – I still can’t shake the feeling of him not really wanting to be here and phoning everything in. He had a horrific feud with Sheamus that completely rendered him useless. I know I’ve said it plenty of times but I just don’t see him in the company for much longer.
Alex Riley – Here’s a guy that I don’t understand. I don’t understand him because he’s hardly ever on TV but gets a huge reaction from the crowd every time he comes out. WWE really tried to push him against Miz last year and tried to build him up as a face but then just simply gave up.
Alicia Fox – I will give anyone a whole dollar if they can tell me if Fox is a heel or face right now.
Beth Phoenix – Please don’t leave us!
The Big Show – I gave Show a lot of grief the entire time of being a heel lately but I will give him props for not being completely terrible at Summer Slam. He took some time off and now he returns to challenge Sheamus and I blame myself because I said his name three times the Monday before he came back.
Brodus Clay – Clay seems to be suffering, he debuted this character that nobody expected to see and we were all excited about it for a while. Now it seems like this character has run its course there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot he can do in his current state. However, what could possibly help that would be to put him in an actual storyline with somebody. Maybe we could get creative on that…or at least the next batch of creative that will come in.
Camacho – Camacho’s whereabouts seem to be still a mystery.
Cameron – I still can’t get over the fact that she is the only person from Tough Enough that we will see in WWE for quite some time. Cameron is really making a name for herself or at least she should make an alias or something. (see what I did there?)
Christian – We haven’t seen much of Christian, most speculate that it’s due to the agreement between WWE and TNA to allow him to partake in TNA’s hall of fame festivities. WWE reportedly doesn’t want to put him on TV until after the ordeal is done but now it seems TNA doesn’t even want him for some unknown reason.
Be sure to come back next week for the thrilling and uplifting conclusion of The State of the WWE Address!
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
The Answer: For the record, Frankenweenie promotes racism and the notion that kids don’t have to deal with loss at all.